:)

:: 2018 21 March :: 9.51pm

love is this thing I've been chasing ever since my childhood. I keep putting my heart into people, imagining that one of them will put me as number one, put me on a pedestal and let me still be independent.

I have been asking for space, but also suffocating attention. My childhood was taken from me, and my emotions are all fucked up. But I finally had this moment of clarity...

Maybe my second relationship would have worked out if I had just stayed in college. If I had valued that stupid worthless piece of paper over my dillusional image of what love is.

Love isn't noble or pure, just or heavenly. I haven't really believed in it for a long time, but it's still something I crave. I my relationship I can feel the same feelings that love is in my heart, and I suppose it is still love... My mind just warps it into this cynical and painful experience where nothing is ever good enough.

I'm never good enough
They never read my mind well enough
I cant even read my mind well enough to know what I need or want

I just want to feel important to you. But first I need to feel important to myself.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 21 March :: 9.03pm

Ate two medicated cookies before my drive home from work,they hit me maybe half an hour after I got home, I fell into a hole.

Edibles are always too much for me. I don't know why, maybe I just underestimate their power... Maybe they just hate me.

Maybe I just got some that were really strong, the distillate didn't blend into the icing well so it turned out really random, some are weak and some will make you get lost in a hole!

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godessalthena

:: 2018 19 March :: 10.00pm

soon my work raise will hit

If they offer OT I'm taking it as much as that place removes my soul and consumes it while I watch in terror I really need to get serious about making some cash

FUCKING 1%ERS CAN KISS MY ASS

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godessalthena

:: 2018 16 March :: 10.12pm

If I ever start balding I'm going to shave my head and have a giant eyeball tattooed on the back of my head and make it so it follows you everywhere you go

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godessalthena

:: 2018 13 March :: 9.58am

Sometimes I will sit at my desk at work and look at my waterfall background and pretend the white noise machine is the creek with the waterfall rushing through the wet Pacific rainforest

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godessalthena

:: 2018 12 March :: 8.10pm

Finally got an RX for glasses

Only one in the family who is farsighted hahaha

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godessalthena

:: 2018 9 March :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: disappointed

Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones who make us feel the most alone.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 9 March :: 9.39am

I got a good girl ear rub

First time I've been that good

And I was a Looney toon

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godessalthena

:: 2018 8 March :: 8.39am
:: Music: Portugal. The man

You don't need sympathy
They got a pill for everything
Just take that dark cloud
Ring it out to wash em down

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godessalthena

:: 2018 8 March :: 12.19am

I have two little dogs. The smaller girl dog always humps the bigger boy dog's head when she gets excited. My dad came up with a new nick name for him: fuck face. I ask so does that make hers fucker?

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godessalthena

:: 2018 6 March :: 10.18pm

Shit is too hard sometimes
Other people are challenging
I don't like feeling like an asshole and I don't like making the people I love out to be them
It is PTSD I have been diagnosed with it by every doctor I've seen
I know bad things happened too you too, but your triggers aren't being in a relationship and men who look a certain way

Not that one person's trauma is worse than the others, I guess I just can simply say I'm doing the best I can, I do have a hard time communicating but that is also a two way street.

I said I wouldn't be easy. And I said it's ok to leave if it's too hard. I still say the same thing. I just also know I am a good kind hearted person and I do always try to do what's right and what's in everyone's best interest (even at the cost of myself). I just sometimes lose my mind and can't handle being a human being.

I am hoping a large part of the problems are from stress due to depression and winter and work. I need something new and exciting.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.41am

Found an Xmas pic of you. You still look like a hideous monster.

I feel left behind.. not sure by who or what. I feel like I'm out of time,out of phase, shifting to the blue spectrum with high frequency panic electricity in my veins.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 6 March :: 11.38am

0049. THE FCC STOLE MY WALLET AND KIDNAPPED MY SISTER

Unless my brain is foreign, I think most censorshipped radio's boring. And who claims that orange doesn't rhyme? I'm chilling right here with David Lawrence. It's Online Tonight, they wanna wind up fights for free speech, broadcast as far as they can reach. It's a swell day, let's see what they'll say when I'm dialed up live, Toronto to LA. But look what's come up with that Janet Jackson - FCC with $5,000 infractions. We got a plan of action.

FCC cracking down to burn Bubba the Love Sponge and also Howard Stern. Oh dear, man overboard at Clear Channel. What dorks and weird panel of analysts decides what to battle with? The whole thing's just a waste of time, and I hope I don't see anybody paying the fine. I'll fight this 'til I'm old and washed up, and I'm sure right beside me will be Lily Von Schtupp. What's up? Censorship? Not for long. Is someone gonna step to me and try to stop this song? It's cool to protect our children; I've got no qualms. So maybe the president should stop dropping bombs.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 2 March :: 5.43pm

My timing is so fucking wretched

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