:)

I just want to say that weed makes life so wonderful. I wish it was this great for everyone.

I'm so thankful for my friends. they help me learn so much about myself and others. I can't imagine what my life would be like without them.

but I look at the pictures on my wall. and there's this stunning face that isn't in my life anymore... and it makes me sad inside.

I feel like these past few months have been the darkest since I left Sus.. and I just feel a little hollow space in my heart.

I have no fucking clue what to do with my life. and all of my friends are in the same boat. Aimee was induced today. I'm so excited to meet baby Payton, I hope I get to hold her. I want a baby so badly. I think people can see it in my eyes and it scares them. I probably look ravenous.

and then there's Walter. and I'm feeling kinda smitten. and I'm not sure what to do. I feel as though I'm perpetually in limbo. but it's also been a really nice ride.. he's going to come to a band practice and it makes my heart go pitterpat. I wonder what he looks like in real life? he always has white tube socks with black loafers, khaki pants or jeans that are high waters, and then a loose collared shirt or button up. he showed me some of his scars. and tells me about his family and past.. and he is so aligned with me in many metaphysical characteristics.. and he's my type: slender, shorter for a male, with green hazel eyes. and a great smile. and plays the bass. he has this adorable sideways chuckle he does and I just adore it.

ugh I sound like a school girl (god damn it feels good)

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

squee

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godessalthena

:: 2015 7 July :: 9.31pm
:: Mood: pensive

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems

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godessalthena

:: 2015 6 July :: 1.29pm

so I know it's super far away but here are my Halloween costume ideas:

piggy stardust (pig version of ziggy stardust)
an elephant inside a boa constrictor
totoro (and Bjorne and rika can be susuwatari)

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godessalthena

:: 2015 2 July :: 11.10pm

I can't help but still feel like a child. I know nothing.

the other side is that I know enough to be tired.

I keep waiting for a surprise, the toy at the bottom of the box. but maybe there is no toy.

a desire to be seen, but unable to even see myself.

friends help me to grow into who I am.

at the same time they can crush my spirits and make me question my perceptions of myself.

but maybe I am a pussy. I'm a chicken shit who is afraid to speak my mind lest I make a fool of myself.

because what does any of this matter? I'm too unsure of anything to really take a strong position in things. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives anymore.

i am deliriously tired.

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moomoo

:: 2015 2 July :: 3.40pm

Ella is finally here. She came 2 week and a couple days earlier. She is a tiny little thing, but so cute. Shes doing well for the most part, besides coming down with jaundice a couple of times now. Doctor doesnt seem to be concerned so trying not to worry. Starting back on the bili blanket tonight. She is a happy baby most of the time and sleeping well for the most part. I got 5hrs last night :). I love watching Jordan wit her, she totally has him wrapped around her finger already. I was looking forward to all my time off work, but quite bored. I have no idea how people dont work. My house has never been so clean and organized. Ella got newborn picutes last weekend, I cant wait till we get them back. I love being a mom. Never knew I could love someone so much. I love just watching her. So excited for this next journey in my life.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 30 June :: 6.08pm

I get laid and the dark clouds lifted...

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godessalthena

:: 2015 26 June :: 9.46am

I dreamt about being at samies cousins house, the meeting up with a man who was my uncle and we killed a bald eagle from the basement. then I was in this large entertainment hall? I'm not really sure what it was, but it was huge and busy. rika ran away and I went to find her and it took me to some slummy flats in some British neighborhood with a bunch of punks, then these drug enforcement officers came to save me, one was Tristan (a guy who shot me down like 3 years ago). he got shot in the head. I was reeeeally upset, I went to see if he was still alive and he was, with blood all over his face, his face was black, I could see the entry and exit wounds. but he didn't die. I stayed with him the whole time and he still didn't love me after. then all the punks turn into zombies and we had to mow them down with automatic weapons.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 25 June :: 10.02pm

what's so great about being in the "in" crowd if all they are are spiteful bitches?

when did being greatful for what you have become so "out"?

these people need a healthy dose of get the fuck over yourself and check into reality.

they make my skin crawl. I hope there aren't any more work parties that I feel obligated to attend.

why are people so shitty.. why are they so fake and two faced? they all say I'm "soooo sweet" but they won't even acknowledge I exist? fuck that.

I hate this world, and most of the people in it. I don't like where things are heading in several relationships, and the moments of truth are drawing close.

the future is murky, and I feel blind and defenseless moving forward.

I'm terrified and lonely. I wish I had someone. I'm so tired of feeling so alone.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 23 June :: 9.55am

corpulent sub-human filth

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godessalthena

:: 2015 22 June :: 9.29pm

I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt

I'm sorry for all the wrong choices I've made

all the chances I missed

all the beauty I've let go of, the dreams I left to die

I'm trying to make up for it, but for every inch I climb up, I slide another inch back down.

my past haunts me like a nightmare, my future hangs over me like an axe.

what does any of this mean? does any of it even matter?

it's just one sad joke with no punchline.

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