:: 2005 13 May :: 8.41 am

so the show went pretty well last night, at least from the audience. it doesnt feel like show week at all, but maybe that's because i've lost all idea of time, as the kids i drive in the morning could probably vouch for. i finally finished my frickin psych project, and now i get a latin project due the day before prom and the one after orchesis. that sucks.

im tired cuz i didnt go to bed until five and i feel dirty cuz i woke up at 7:19, a minute before i had to leave, and didnt get to take a shower and it would have been nice to eat.

i should be cutting foamboard for architechtural drawing and im going to have to start working on my set for theatre tech; that's a lot of foam.

so apparently, this is our last show. i dont feel it, but maybe that's becuase in my head, it still isnt show week...

alright time to clean up foam balls.

martini?

:: 2005 7 May :: 5.27 pm

I am not resentful.
I do not regret.
I am not be impatient.
I have no frustration.
I feel no dissappointment.
I do not have stress.
I cannot feel emotions.
I do not feel worthless.
I am not dreading work.
I am not annoyed.
I am not dreadful.

I'm boosting morale...

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 4 May :: 11.42 pm
:: Mood: apathetic

50 Questions- I'm just like all the others. i did this backwards, it was fun.

1. What is your name? i have no name.

2. What color underwear are you wearing now? red. it was green stripes earlier

3. What are you listening to right now? craig something, english guy, late late show

4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 46, or 14 if im home.

5. What was the last thing you ate? um i think it was a peach from my frozen fruit bag beside me

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? just not pink. maybe orange

7. How is the weather right now? good question. it probably changed since 10:30

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? i dont knw...that was so long ago.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Their body shape. i seem to be very attracted to skinny guys. very skinny guys.

10. Favorite Food? avocado and mango

11. Favorite Drink? Milk

12. Favorite Alcoholic Drink? ive tasted alcoholic stuff...i hate the taste of alcohol...ask my family they think im funny cuz i dont like it.

13. Favorite place to shop? world market.

14. Hair color: strawberry blonde

15. Eye Color: green

16. Do you wear contacts? nope 20/20

17. Top or Bottom? pants are nice...but if i had to walk around in a t-shirt and underwear or bra and pants, id pick the t-shirt and underwear cuz my shirt would probably be long enough.

18. Favorite Month? December makes me happy. though, the freedom of the summer is sweet too.

19. Favorite Fast Food? Rammy's!

20. Last Movie you Watched? good question. probably zim...does that count? oh kissing jessica stien? is that he title? i dont know it was on tv and i watched half of it....wasnt what i thought from the title.

21. Favorite Day of the Year? lol sandy said the last day of school. i say the first cuz it feels so fresh, like melon that's been in the fridge.

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? no

23. Summer or Winter? i love snow and i love sun. i lvoe being outside so either is just fine with me. people think snow sucks, but its sooo pretty and you can read outside in the summer, not to mention you can roll the windows down

24. Hugs or Kisses? Hugs

25. Chocolate or Vanilla? depends. every so often vanilla just tastes better, like not as heavy...even though it usually is just as much

26. Do you want your friends to respond back? doestn matter

27. Who is most likely to respond? You. if you get through it, you're likely to respond.

28. Who is least likely to respond? Everyone.

29. What books are you reading? A Great and Terrible Beauty and The Divinci Code.

30. Favorite TV Show? INVADER ZIM, closely followed by Tru calling, but i like the simpsons too. and any animal channel or oh i love when they do surgeries cuz you usually dont get to see taht stuff.

31. What's on your mouse pad? um...theres no pad at either comp. here, its a lap top...soo finger oil is on the mouse...upstairs is laser!

32. Favorite board game? Trivial Pursuit! no one likes playing it though. i also like LIFE.

33. What did you do last night? Crew. read susies story. slept.

34. Favorite Author? I dont know. one that writes. i found i actually really like E.L. Doctorow, and i know for sure i like J.K. Rowling. um... tamora pierce was entertaining for a while but im more into learning right now than fiction.

35. Who inspires you? everyone. everyone has some amazing quality, some have more than one!

36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? omg i love all of them. not carmel so much, but butter at the movie theatre, plain if i make it myself, and just salted at a campfire. mmm

37. Dogs or cats? Dogs

38. Favorite Flower? i dont know. i like two colour flowers. i only like real flowers though. painted or floral patterns bother me cuz nothing does them justice.
39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M.? usually fuck cuz i realise i dont have enough time to take a shower or even to get to everyone and not be late.

40. Do you still talk to your best friends from middle school? no and im glad i dont. they're bad.

41. What's on your desk? five candles in a dish with some glass beads, april's dog fancy magazine, frozen fruit, a purple ribbon, a black pen, and a blue retractable dog leash. but the table looks clean...

42. Rock Concert or symphony? rock if im not on the floor getting smothered. symphony id go for anytime though.

43. Play or Opera? Dancing. i like watching dancing. ive never been to an opera, although, i want to see carmen so badly. play if its nto hs play...::snore:: *or* this sucks, that sucks, face your damn platforms and tape your stupid seams!!

44. Have you ever fired a gun? Sandy Kim "Nope. Wait....does a water gun count?" hehe. yea once at a carnival. at a piece of paper that i missed. oh and matts little guns with plastic pellets

45. Do you like to travel by plane? i love watching the ground get small and all the little cars...when it snows and you're landing its really cool too...oh...so yes.

46. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right, although ambidexterous would rock.

47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? stupid you sandy kim and your JIF reference. chunky...i feel safer like its not fake peanuts.
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? one right now, sometimes i switch
49. City and State you were born in? Fon du Lac, WI
50. Ever hitchhiked? No

martini?

:: 2005 4 May :: 11.04 pm

have you ever began to hate yourself so much that you wished you could sabatoge yourself? maybe people wouldnt dislike you so...maybe, if everything was wrong, then one thing right would feel so much better...

but then someone points it out. and the fact that it's unavoidable is not the painful thing. its the truth of it and you know you're wrong, but you cant do anything about it now.

so then you feel more like shit. and when that happens, the sabotaging instinct comes back.

::woosh::

but you'd miss out on so much pride.

martini?

:: 2005 3 May :: 11.40 pm

DAILYVirgo - August 23 - September 22
You're still quite focused on your sweetheart, and the feeling is mutual. Have dinner out, and don't be afraid to talk about the future. You won't be the only person at that candlelit table who's been thinking in terms of permanence.

WEEKLYVirgo - August 23 - September 22
Love's never perfect, despite you fervently wishing it would be so -- and trying with all your might to make it that way. Go easy on your efforts at the beginning of the week; you don't want to make anyone dear to you feel inadequate, and that includes yourself! Wednesday brings high spirits -- you're up for challenging the universe to give you exactly what you want. What a brilliant approach! By the weekend, someone compatible makes you question your expectations and deepen your definition of love. It's a good thing!

martini?

:: 2005 30 April :: 5.57 pm

ugh am sooo frustrated it feels like am doing everything wrong

i cant even begin to describe it

so ama go read or something...maybe work on my story which is really horrible rihgt now...

martini?

:: 2005 30 April :: 5.53 pm

i cant drive anymore.

i never paid the fee.

martini?

:: 2005 29 April :: 11.34 pm

i just ate...but i opened the fridge and guess what i found!!!!!

RAGOONS!!!!!!

woo! patrice likes ragoons toO!

we went to the libertyville play and the set was just horrible...the platforms had holes and no facing and the walls werent decorated and seams werent taped and sound was too loud and wood grain failed and the tables were wrapped in tin foil....-_-

am only so disappointed because i know kevin holly can do better than this....

oh well...ragoons.....::mm::

okie i guess thats it...

martini?

:: 2005 28 April :: 10.14 pm

so that crappy feeling's still there...

i feel bad for stunkel. not cuz he does stupid stuff, cuz thats obvious...but because he's trapped in a mindset taht everyone should laugh at life and still a child. his intentions are good, no matter how much anyone tries to argue with me, and i feel bad that they arent always taken the way he wishes. he's like anyone of us, where he doesnt want to be a disappointment to himself, his family, or his friends. He's not like us where he'll go very far to make someone laugh, and soemtimes doesnt think of the consequences. point blank, no one should ever hate stunkel, no matter how mad they get at him.

yes...erm...lol a stunkel entry.

id write more but i think its something that's going to be a private entry because am just going to get yelled at for it.

martini?

:: 2005 28 April :: 12.45 am

is there anyone that wants to run with me everyday. the thing is, you gotta keep me on it and want to go yourself...

heh, a want ad...

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 28 April :: 12.04 am

ever had a sudden mood change?

yea that sucks..oh well...

so not much is going on...happy bday stunkel

my teeth still hurt and all but that's been heard.

there is no peanut butter (nor brown sugar, kristen)

okie that's it...g'night

martini?

:: 2005 25 April :: 8.03 am

holy crappy morning. i couldnt sleep last night so i ran at one thirty and getting up sucked and then i couldnt get ready fast enough to get patrice. kristen, btw, no traffic to get you so no problem...

btw, today i win the actually ugly skirt contest...

martini?

:: 2005 23 April :: 12.03 am

i dont know why am not sleeping am so tired

oh yes, am eating cheetos yay for me

i wanted millk but both jugs are bad :P

oh not much...am boring...

quote of the day:
Bo: Gayson. we have to focus the side lights.
Gayson: So you want me to fly in first electric?

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 22 April :: 8.04 am

i feel sick...

my ear hurts :-P

hardly an update. oh well. last night mundelein's play was okie. "Brown sugar" was really really cute and he could sing...::dies::

i drove kristen and stunkel shopping "downtown" and then they went to a "fancy" dinner followed by night at the theatre. lol. i was the limo driver...who ate with them...

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 21 April :: 12.50 pm

ow my precious feet.

martini?

:: 2005 21 April :: 8.37 am
:: Mood: lazy

my mum called mrs. firnbach and told her she was worried i wouldnt graduate ::rolls eyes::

cuz she gave me cap and gown money and i said i dont want it and she asked why and i told because i dont want to graduate, meaning, hello, i dont want to leave everything i know behind and lose half my friends and all my acquaitences in an instant. it meant that i like walking down the hall and hearing fourteen hi's and knowing everyone's name.

but of course, she thinks i will "sabotage" myself...hehe throw shoes at my self, and my bro was like no big deal she doesnt want to go through the ceremony, (see i told you shes making a big pointless deal) and my mum "rambled on" about prom and a boyfriend ::rolls eyes::

peanut butter has lost all the fun
i just feel desperate now.

its pathetic. oh well.

bye.

martini?

:: 2005 21 April :: 8.04 am
:: Mood: crushed

So I got the coolest ugly skirt ever. It’s awesome and I got other stuff too! Am going to have horrible blisters by the end of today. Oh well.

I really don’t want to be inside today! Grr…

Weekend? Where are you weekend? Am looking for you but you aren’t here… Where are you?

Today is the Mundelein play. Yay for Danielle and mary!

Okie…that’s really all…

martini?

:: 2005 20 April :: 9.58 pm

yay for oatmeal yay for new pope smell yay for skirts so ugly they're pretty yay for blue dog leashes yay for Kristen yay for elisa yay for shootings yay for better homes and gardens yay for really bad acting (or eggs) yay for stupidity yay rof sdrowkcab epyt yay for milk yay for nny yay for candle scents yay for bad friends yay for old men yay for chrystler’s spring sale event yay for html yay for feeling crappy yay for wet dog yay for abc 7 news at 10 yay for bananas yay for placentas yay for pigtails yay for grass yay for fake fire yay for waiting for darkness yay for latin yay for a yellow glow yay for green pants yay for "a grateful city and a grateful nation" yay for uic yay for blue jays yay for tigerlilies yay for funny names yay for bagdad yay for Iraqi officials yay for soccer stadiums yay for ethics yay for mean neighbours yay for dumbasses yay for betrayal yay for dirty feet yay for diabetes yay for running circus elephants yay for lacrosse yay for cash back and no down payments yay for agreeing yay for remote controls yay for instruction manuals yay for cell phones yay for short toenails yay for lowe’s yay for refletions in your backdoor yay for rocking horse people eating marshmallow pies yay for you if you got this far.

martini?

:: 2005 20 April :: 9.46 pm

so today could have sucked little more...

oh well.

so...yes...

who needs milk
to accompany his or her
cereal otherwise
drys your throat?

who really cares cuz
its all gone
in some time
anyway.

martini?

:: 2005 19 April :: 4.15 pm

on my phone i had two really shiny stickers but then they got all scratchy and ugly so now they are just shiny instead of feet and palm trees...

i drew noodle boy on the back and i think ama go find squee or gir to put on the front...

yay for me

am still asking, but just asking.

i still dont understand why i cant let go, but i cant.

and throw your dog a peanut...can she crack the shell and eat only the nut like my dog can?!?! huh can she?!?

martini?

:: 2005 17 April :: 12.48 am

matt smiths birthday was fun...fire and beading and fighting and lacrosse and brownies and all sorts of fun stuff....

okie so it wasnt that fun, in fact, it could have been a lot better...look im even trying to be optimisitc and it fails too...

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 17 April :: 12.34 am

its funny how, when there's one little crappy thing in your life, your random button reminds you of all the crappiest things that you have to deal with everyday anyway.

i'm afraid of being alone. i really am. just alone. not boyfriend alone necessarily, although it sort of plays a part. not having a best friend, not having even a really good friend. i think everyone's afraid of being alone. add that to the fear of falling and the fear of the unknown.

i think its normal. do bugs feel safer when the shoe is above them if they have a colony with them? do they convince themselves that it's not going to be them that dies, but the one beside them? or do they just wonder how it will feel?

if one believes in god, does god regret the moment he makes someone die? does he shake his head at the stupidity that leads him to taking that person's life? does he cry when he watches someone in pain? how would it be to have god as your best friend? would it be wrong to only idol and not put god as a god in your mind? i dont even know if i believe in god but how would it feel to know your best friend could take care of all your problems, but would rather you solve them on your own? to acknowledge taht you are stuck and have to accept what you ahve and use that to climb out of your hole, and just have him pat you on the back, and notice a tear fall on your pants and realise you arent the one crying.

6 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2005 15 April :: 10.57 pm

so im here cuz everyones at the band thing yay...

have you ever missed someone as soon as they got out of the car? its weird......only ever happened with neil before....but it happened again tonight.....for the first time in forever...

martini?

:: 2005 15 April :: 10.45 am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: odd ringing

martini?

:: 2005 12 April :: 10.31 pm
:: Music: Travis-

martini?

:: 2005 11 April :: 10.59 pm

note to visitors: if you can, visit the friends only area :)

martini?

:: 2005 11 April :: 2.11 am

im crying now. im not saying this so you give me hugs or pity, but because ive needed to.

what made me cry? neil.

its a very long conversation, feel free to read it or skip...i took out the not so important parts.

HammeTrucci: just because she is leaving does not mean you are goin to lose her
battlestarre: you tell me that but ive never ever kept someone who has gone away.....
HammeTrucci: we may have broken up but you havent lost me
battlestarre: there is no longer such a connection anymore
battlestarre: that's loss
HammeTrucci: really you and sandy are the only people that i still deeply care about
HammeTrucci: all im trying to say is that i still care if you are sad
battlestarre: :-\
battlestarre: i miss you so much
HammeTrucci: yeah
battlestarre: cuz i still love you so much
HammeTrucci: me too jorie
HammeTrucci: me too
battlestarre: why cant you come back so i can hug you
battlestarre: why do i want to hug you so badly but feel so wrong doing so?
battlestarre: and how can you sit so close and seem so far from caring
battlestarre: why did it always feel that way
battlestarre: why did it get worse hwen you went away
battlestarre: why couldnt you make me feel like you cared?
battlestarre: you're one of the few things ive ever wanted to hold on to so mch
battlestarre: why are you the only thing that makes me cry now?
battlestarre: why do i miss you so much?
battlestarre: why cant i just get over you?
battlestarre: you're so far away
HammeTrucci: it really pisses me off that i lost all sight of what "we" were
battlestarre: i dont even care that i lost jen
battlestarre: i havent
HammeTrucci: i wish sometimes that i could go back in time to christmas break and feel like i do now
battlestarre: my idea of "us": you holding me on my bed just because; us wrestling, and you pinning me down, only to gently kiss me; you waking me up wiht a kiss and the soft click of a camera; then you going away and seeming to forget me
HammeTrucci: the last part is what pisses me off
HammeTrucci: there was so much here that blinded me from you
HammeTrucci: i wanted to just talk to you over christmas break
HammeTrucci: tell you how i really felt
HammeTrucci: i felt like shit for alot of december, i still dont understand why i felt the way i did
HammeTrucci: i basically screwed myself into a corner i couldnt get out of
battlestarre: is that something that i do?
battlestarre: i did it to hul too
battlestarre: i lose the greatest things to them backing themselves in a corner
battlestarre: neil why couldnt you care about me for the first four months you were away
battlestarre: why didnt you choose me over your football game?
HammeTrucci: it became to easy
HammeTrucci: in a sense
battlestarre: HOW?!??
HammeTrucci: cause you werent here so once we stopped talkin on the phone, i could do anything
HammeTrucci: and what i was afraid of happened, you became part of my ddaily routinee
HammeTrucci: it was like, talk to jorie because i have to
HammeTrucci: i hated that feeling
HammeTrucci: thats why i didnt like talkin everyday
HammeTrucci: it made it seem like i had to
battlestarre: but you never called me!
battlestarre: you hate talking on the phone so you wouldnt call
battlestarre: and then it was like i was a chore
battlestarre: i called because i had no one else to talk to!
HammeTrucci: that's because i knew you would call
battlestarre: dont you realise you were my only friend for a while?
HammeTrucci: yes i do
battlestarre: you didnt even noticed when i stopped calling!

anyway, it goes on...but that's all that's important...

i dont understand why he makes me cry
all week...i needed to cry so badly...

maybe jeff reminds me of him. maybe that's why i wont give up on him...i dont know.

i know its a good thing he wont go out with me though...because it would clearly be rebound.

im obviously stuck on neil.

martini?

:: 2005 10 April :: 3.09 pm

hi.

so...today...nothing special

it's weird, i wont let myself give up on him.

theres some odd amount of hope...

eh...prom

martini?

:: 2005 10 April :: 1.40 am

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

martini?

:: 2005 10 April :: 1.13 am

he is standing still, but i am slipping on the ground beneath my feet.

i got these from kevin's journal yay for kevin!

You scored as Goofy. Your alter ego is Goofy! You are fun and great to be around, and you are always willing to help others. You arn't worried about embarrassing yourself, so you are one who is more willing to try new things. Goofy 75% Ariel 75% Peter Pan 75% Sleeping Beauty 50% Snow White 50% Cruella De Ville 44% Donald Duck 38% Cinderella 38% Pinocchio 38% The Beast 31% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Sweet. Sweet 94% Hot 56% Wet 44% Shy 31% Awkward 31% Soft 31% Exciting 25% Violent 19% What is your sexual style? created with QuizFarm.com

martini?