"once my lover, now my friend"
hi! sandy, lisa, kyle, hul, nick, spencer, neil, benton, and wender all came over. yea...twas nuts and a half. i wanted to call patrice and jill (really guys am so not making it up) but it was nuts and loud and i wanted everyone to leave!

yea...um...thoughts thoughts....o yes...thats right. alright, i believe trix will know what am talking about, sandy wont and jill might...but after i have a boyfriend (and break up la de da de da), i tend to be friends with him again after two or so weeks...well, when you hang out with them, you realise what you liked in them, and that you still have ever so little liking for them. and you dont want to, especially if you are currently in a relationship, because its "disloyal" and "unfaithful" and da de da. but its soo hard....okie so this is a stupid entry; i spent time with hul today and ::sigh:: maybe its just because stacey stole him away for so long that i miss him a load, or maybe am just stupid. yea...i like the latter; it makes more sense......

jill and patrice...i know what am getting you for x-mas; jen, i'll find something, cuz youy know...it's hard....you like everything you see in a store! :-D sandy, maybe ill buy you a baby...that doesnt cry, BUT it could wet its pant lol! it wont be defective either! yasamin...i dont know...o yes i do! brilliant! hm....spencer.....thats hard...wow...ill..um.....ill buy you a gerbil! you lack the energy they have too much of! it'd all even out! nah...ooo i got one! wicked! wow...::sigh:: am tired. night

i found that one girls journal guys! and i made a new one...cuz you know cleaning out ocmp...its only got my stories and dreams on it...not that interesting...but if you fail to have anything better to do....

the past is haunting me...
...actually, i just need to empty out shit on my comp! lol yea...so i found some stuff and i put it on a cd but ill put it here too so thats what the next some many entries will be you dont need to read them. :-D

its eight fifty four!
what does complacent mean anyway? i dont know i just picked it...it sounds like its content, but you have stuff going on but you are just like ::shrug:: btw..i dont know if it is "everybody loves or wants" i cant figure it out.....i never really cared til just a second ago. um....yea...i like my subject! the time is never right on the journal so....like it says nine now...but tisnt! yes...ive been random journal searching.....i mean, doing my history project...::hums:: oo the song changed...its bambi~ on my disney mix! um....anyway...i was going to say that this one girls was super awesome! first, it was GREENand it had eeyore EEYORE! and her title is "Further Down the River", which unless am just nuts, is an incubus lyric! woo INCUBUS!....okie well i was gonna type more but neil is here....talk later bye.

its a rainbow!
Greetings Virgo
Here is your horoscope for the week of November 3 through November 9

Both the Sun and Mercury continue to move through the sign of Scorpio, and both are making you aware of the need to communicate, and of the important things you need to say to certain people. This is highlighted by a Lunar Eclipse in Taurus, which puts the emphasis on your connections abroad, higher education and legal matters, as well as travel and vacations. A trip to another country could bring some crucial and exciting changes into your world, as could a person from another culture.


creepy how true it is...

erm yes....today i hardly had class! twas awesome! first period i fell asleep..second was a movie en espanol...third was group...fourth i got out early cuz another girl got a pass too ( was leaving fifth) and he just let us both out at the same time, so i wandered for a half hour...fifth, i was gone to lunch with tyler, sixth we did homework after quick notes...seventh i got a nine of ten on a letter i wrote for our group, fifteen of fifteen on a diary entry for Hester in The Scarlet Letter....so that was unusual...and eighth we started a new project so it was simple as all hell....for printmaking (if you knwo what that is) i am doing a spine....it looks cool. erm...have just been talking to jill, solved (i think) the halloween matter, then again, you can never know for shur what someone else is thinking; hell you cant even understand some of your own thoughts! trix i need help with this backgroundness...yup...candy is yummy too..erm....yes.....la la la!!! if you have time, or are bored or whatever....dL some perfect circle songs....theyre yummy! i personally like number three and nine on The Thirteenth Step....yes....okie loads to do ....later

la la la
so i was absolutly right about dinner....but its okie cuz after that we played cards...and that lasted forever and a half...but twas fun...loads of swearing...yea...um....til tmro!

happy fuckin thanksgiving to you too
my brothers in....and i forgot, half on purpose, because everytime he comes in i already have a thousand things to do and i dont get to see him hardly except for a hug when hes leaving. so finally, i told everyone no am not doing anythin to spend time with him and he kept doing other stuff so i got pissed and came up stair so i didnt blow up on anyone and we have to have thanksgiving cuz he cant come in for thanksgiving or christmas so were having family time. i got bored up here and couldnt hear him anymore so i went downstairs and asked if i could do anything and started the cranberry sauce...my mum had cards so i asked if we could play...so we start playing and she was teaching me this game and my dad starts talking...about christmas and vacastion and shit...and i listened, i definatly heard, but hes telling me that we can either go to vancouver, which he isnt fond of to see my entire extended family, or we can go someplace nice out of the country. i want to see my family so bad but he doesnt want i dont give a shit waht the weathers like....he probably doesnt care because its not his family and wahts left of his family, his mother, sees us twice a year nearly...its so fucking pisses me off...i cant decide that...so i didnt answer nor did my mum because how do you decide between your family and a nice vacation on the spot like that? and so two minutes later my dad goes "omg theres a mouse in here" and so am thinking oo is a gerbil...myn cuz she got out the other day...and he goes "that got your attention" am like you ass! you want me to choose that? waht am supposed to say? and earlier jill was tleling me to do my paper! everyone i understand tha i need to do homework but i cant do it..i start and if i force mysefl to write a paper, it is shit, so much that i might as well not even bother turning it itn...i hate when my friends get on my back about it...its like there is no escape from nagging and shit....arrrrgggggggggggggg and neil is coming to dinner
i dont want him to come...i really dont....its hard enuf to talk to my brother and now ama be left out cuz the four of them will talk about cars...or at least the three of them and my mum will eat....or somehow join....or my mum and dadll talk about something and tyler and neil will talk about music....and ama be left out cuz am patient and i dont change the subject if i dont understand it....am an idiot but if someone is talking about something am not going to ruin thier fun! arrrrrrrrg am soooooo mad....ama fail all my classes! ama be a fucking loser living in my parents house til am thirty and not go to college and die by drugs or some disease...am sorry to nick am sorry to jackie its really hard to accept people right now cuz am just so frustrated with myself so once someone is out its a little more relieving like i felt so relieved when hul broke up wiht stacey and it seems stupid to base emotions on other people but its true because they come and talk to me which i dont mind but sometimes i wish they would listen too! the only way you can people to listen is cry....or when they ask how you are tell them you feel like shit. i feel bad for neil cuz sometimes i get so pissed off about everything that i just cry and he doesnt know what the hell to do with tears! its like giving a tiger a fork! this week i have been crying so much i cant help it the littlest shit brings tears to my eyes...like last night wehn jill assumed i was going with laura and that i was calling her as a second rather tahn because i was scared i was going to not go...when we had fucking plans and if neil didnt have sandys number or she hadnt said that thats why jill was mad i wouldnt have gone to do something that i really wanted to do all week. my costume was so fucking wet by the time i got it on cuz i was so upset then i thought neil forgot about me cuz after he said he was coming it took him like an hour arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggg! i know people arent against me but i just want to be free i guess. of responsibility of everything. my dad just came in "mum needs you to set the table" 'k, be there in a minute' "you okie?" 'yea am fine' "you dont sound fine" 'am' "you shur" 'just leave me alone!' i cant stand it! he jsut finished being an ass, the reason i ran upstairs and hes trying to be all sympathetic......??????? arrrrrg ama go set table .........more later, am shur

if you are bored as all hell...
You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

dreams
so trix slept over and we both had dreams!

myn was about me.....i was a princess i guess...and we, being my court, my friends...something of the sort...were sitting in the courtyard, which was surrounded by tress and such...and the queen (my mum?)was talking about how the warriors/vikings/something? were near and she needed someone to fight for us...so she left and then came back and sayd how we have this....and we need this....we need this but want this and already have this....but were short of a leader...and am like ??? byt everyone else knows whats going on. and she goes you am like ::snort:: lol...she says "i tried to make you into a lady. i bought you white gowns and you got them dirty and i taught you to cook but you failed and told you to pick flowers and you couldnt do that you ended up rolling on them before you got home...(big long speech i didnt bore everyone wiht)" and then someone else, a guy i think sayd "collect flowers and pick grass" i laughed even harder and said "pick grass" {i guess i sayd it outloud cuz it woke patrice up} then later...we went inside the castle, which had a big chandelier with candles...and we sat on couches...all the girls leaned against each other by a window nad the queen/my mum sat in a chair opposite us by a table and someone suggested playing a game and so someone else says, then we need to pick grass. so one girl goes and comes back scared, so i go, frustrated with her childness. i go outside this big heavy door to this grassy hill...and i start picking and i have four pieces, all about equal length, but their bottoms am holding with thumb and forefinger and bottoms are hidden in my hand...and then i go back in and am like what am i doing? and so they all come wiht me, five girls, and one comes outside while the other three stand at the door. the one girl is patrice? and she starts brushing the grass with her hands..."you need one longer" so i pick one and am like okie got it....and she goes shhh....so i shut up and we hear banging like against rocks and so we think its only an old lady but we go in anyway and we nearly have the door closed and someone sees a guy with green on who patrice has recently like so they tell her and hes standing by a big rock all greenish (moldy) ~and you know how you know other peoples thoughts in your dreams~ i knew that patrice was thinking his body looked perfect in the green thing he was wearing. yes....thats my dream :)

HALLOWEEN! con't
okie so anyway... the other day was halloween...it was great!...at school, i was a sheeps.....well i was a sheeps all night but yea...and i was leaving cotton balls EVERYWHERE! everyone was like i saw you in every hall today! twas hee-larry-us! then we went to jills and sat around the fire. afterward we went inside and laid about her basement...spencer fell sleepy and i nearly did with jill and trix and sandy and neils band yak. who, outside of woodwinds, understands double toungeing anyway!?! then trix sleeped at my house. yay! we only stayed up til one thirty or so, getting home at midnight, and girls cant help but talk...but we didnt wake up til...

four! four o'clock in the afternoon! tlak about sleeping the day away... so then it was getting dark and her dad came at about 530 or so. i had to babysit at 7 or seven thirty, depending when they got home...which i agreed to only that day because i really ened money so i dont have to keep borrowing from jennifer, so i couldnt go to the youth group sleepover with small group that i said i would, because i need money damn it! but yea. so then i watched treasure planet after doing some of my art project...i got home and my bro was asleep and neil came over. i felt bad cuz i wouldnt let him kiss me really (sorry trix) cuz i knew he would get carried away...and i didnt feel like that. sooo yea. trix and i stayed onlyn til four...but then i slept cuz even after fourteen hours of sleep, you eventually get tired...o geez i forgot...o well next cont entry. um... i dLd loads of fonts! twas exciting! you shud go to Font Freak :) tis orange too!

so yes..then i slept til ten thirty or so...and woke up and showered and la de da...then my bro and mum woke up and my mum cooked eggs benny for breakfast and then we all went to world market and i didnt get any of th shit i wanted cuz wine is more important..but am patient...my brothers in town...am not going to whine...then my bro and i were supposed to go out driving...!yea fucking right!
my dad came home and i asked to go with him. and we did we got sugar and a movie..dreamcatcher jen...lol....and now am sitting...woo...sitting....jillian is bugging me about my paper but i dont wan to do anything! i dot even know wehn its due! arg....i ::sigh:: i wish i had my liscense so i could go somewhere where i wanted to go. like a cemetary..oo i love cemetarys...they are so pretty, peaceful, calm, serene, gentle, you feel like protected too...its weird you wouldnt expect so much...i love them...ama go read or eat candy ro something

HALLOWEEN!
for all those who wonder, the last entry took nearly no time at all to change the colours...if you are questioning how to do so... type < font color = orange > i put a space between them all so that you may see them....the only thing that was hard for me sand was to spell colour without the u because it doesnt accept that. but dont forget to end it with < / font color > put a space between font and colour but not between everything else on both of them.

HALLOWEEN!!!
so am making my halloween costume....ama be a sheepsssss! am soo excited and trix will be a goose...(endless jokes/stories) and jennifer a cherrio, and laura a lady bug...(also joke) and jill a duck! its so exciting! am going to see the mhs play tnt..am hoping is entertaining......ive heard that their theatre sux....but kei is in it and danielle is doing costumes so...yea! um.....jackie wasnt in school today, how appropriate..and la de da....nothing much more to say~!

FUCK!
how could anyone be so cruel to ruin someone elses life! she crys and crys and takes her away from the fun to cry some more. and once she believes shes away from the tears, she rips her apart! she is fucking ruining her life i hate her so much before i just disliked the fact and told her so and she hated me big whoop i didnt give a shit but now she is ruining other peopels lives too and she wont even accept it! i want to bitch at her so bad but its ten twenty one and i cant possibly call her now.

you know what i dont care if jackie is reading this...chances are she is in order to knwo why people hate her. yes its confirmed people cannot stand her right now! granted, no one knows for shur, emotionally what is going on in her head but the way she acts toward people. you would think that if one so desperately wantd friends, one would be nice to them and listen to them and at least pretend to be a friend. not her. as far as ive heard, she doesnt give a shit about waht is going on in other peoples lives, as long as she can cry. ~finish later

hul broke up with stacey ::applauds:: its about damn time.

so i dont even give a shit about who reads this! i know that people i dont want reading it do, and so whatever. jackie and wender are hilarious....i love how jackie blames neil for spreading shit, when he just says what hes heard...not like she would ever clarify anything if he asked. shed tell him it was none of his business, in fact, thats waht she would do to near everyone. so shes acutally encouraging the rumours! and wender...my dear friend wender... i dot know what is wrong with him...i suppose cannot keep himself away from girls. and denying things that are so blatent! oh my dear friends! this life is so entertaining from the outside...and you cry and pout and make yourselves sorry for waht you know you cannot stop because it was your fault in the first place! you cannot make out in a public place and not expect people to talk! o lord....you keep me laughing everyday!

people
::sigh:: i thnk ama supposed to be sleeping now....its eleven twenty nine...i met some new people from danielle. clara and austin...they are her friends from mundelein. austin is quiet and stuff...and clara is really...i dont know she seems nice...and you know me i have an extremely biased opinion...but she seems like she is about to break down into tears and is just smiling to look like she understands herself. well anyway, they werent really important until danielle told me a little about each. well it turns out they went out and that somehow turned sour. so he wants her back, but she refuses...because she was hurt so immensly by him. he feels awful about it and somehow hopes that he can bring her back to spirits by talking to him, which danielle says isnt so much talking...so the interesting story is this...she intends to make him jealous, and so flirts with nearly every guy around. he intends himself to gain pity...and so tells everyone his sob story. i heard the sob story. it was just what i sayd, cept a load more of "it hurt so bad" "i cryed that night" which you would expect me to be like o am sorry but have grown to not sympathize wiht people anymore...only to empathize because what the hell is apologizing going to do? o am sorry your heart is broken...am sorry your love left you....am sorry that you missed out...am sorry you got knocked over in football....i hate when people expect you to say sorry...it doesnt make it any better, especially since sorry has become somewhat of a general phrase, its automatic. it no longer means much...it sort of goes along with "hakuna matata" you cant change the past....and you cant heal hurt with one word. its like putting on a bandaid and immediatly ripping it off...it doesnt do much. am also getting sick of people milking stuff and shit...understandably they have feeelings wehn shit happens but they make it worse...wehn they know the outcome will be awful one way and they pick that way!...ooo dont ask for too much pity.....well anyway wehre was i? ::scrolls::o anyway...i odnt know i think its really fake...like this guy is not a sensitive one, you can tell...its like he wants people to think he cryed so that they will be like, thats awesome hes got emotions...but arg....i forgot where...o yes....well anyway i dont really give a shit about him cuz i dont know him that well but it applys to neil somewhat....because hwen i told him i hate how he is basically emotionless (okie i was softer than that but thereabouts so), he was like if you died i would cry, am crying just thinking about it. i was like grr...you so arent understanding what am talking about ....i hate when guys are emotinless....how do you get shit out of them? all three guys i dated are/were fucking secretive......and i dont think they want to be its just how they were brought up...and they dont know how to put it into words and they think emotion means tears but it doesnt it means describing how you feel okie am tired ama sleep night night night nig htnighitng sweetd reamssssssssssss

dreams
yup...am sick...sorry i didnt go to school today guys. i feel awful ::blah:: i want to rip out my ears/throat/ nose. well anyway, am here to find the stories that i need to make up stuff for lit. and to write my half-dreams. it was weird. i first was trying to go to sleep and i started thinking about faults and how they are the depths of hell if you couldnt see the bottom of them...like the seven stages of Dante's inferno and thats why you couldnt see teh actual fires, because they were so deep...and then i got up cuz jennifer rang the doorbell...i called her but her phone was off...i came back to bed and started this dream, but it was like a movie. it was written "DIABLO" and then the scene was this kid and she started to rip up meat for her kingdom, who was all vegetarians, but it was her sixteenth birthday and so she got to make one decision that changed everyone else as well. so the meat was fed, and the parents refused to eat anything but fruit (imagine thier diarrea). there were curtains, with a sufficient amount of space between each, like in theatre...and someone went behind one for something and immediately turned around saying that something bad was there...so a knight went behind the curtain and came back partially singed and the girl, i think, grabbed a gun and tryed to shoot at it, which knocked it down to a puddle of black blood on the ground, with steam of a reddish orange colour coming off of it. the party resumed and the voice spoke, resulting in the rows of tables to turn thier heads. the black things began to grow into a somewhat human like figure, and strangely enuf, thats all i remember. okie well anyways, off to land of hmwk....

wehn people read your journal...
when the wrong people read your journal
"its amazing what people will write when they think that no one is looking" yea. i learned the meaning of that quote today, when i learned that spencer, wender and nick were reading them. apparently people dont pay attention to stuff, like wha tthey say. im actually pretty upset because it was a girl thing, and it was even more fun becasue if we couldnt tlak to each other for a week or so, we wouldnt have to tell our stories fifty times. but now its ruined, because everything that we thought of the guys, everything we didn want them to know...thye know. i really like this journal and i dont really want to change it, but seeing as its well-known of now, i guess i must. adios mis amigos.

i dont know...
Arg! today is being a really bad day...it all started yesterday, when arshonsky got my job...but that wasnt that bad cuz it was like...o ill get it next show...but this morning, i went to talk to my counselor and she said i had to take soph lit next sem rather than theatre tech...im really pissed becasue i really want to do theatre tech...then i went to latin and i was talking to jennifer about this girl, *sally* that i talked about a bit ago...she gave me some letters last year and recently spent a week in the hospital...that doesnt exactly bring your spirits up from the earlier disappointments...then off to spanish. I dont get spanish right now and i got a quiz back tha i failed miserably...how the hell am i going to pass if i dont participate cuz i cant comprehend and i cant even get the fucking vocab right!?! so then off to bellitos, where i wrote jennifer a letter, having to stop every few sentances to get myself to stop crying. am sry jillian, that i didnt tell you then...i didnt want to cry in school. usualy his class cheers me up because of his awesome teaching style and positive energy, but today he had lost his voice and lacked the normal amount of enthusiasm. gym was again a drag, as always...and jennifer wasnt at lunch again, which dampens things because Q doesnt talk often and the andy kid doesnt talk at all...so its just LOADS of fun...plus, i was really looking forward to talking to her and getting our sandwich together...somehow its fun. then to algebra, which was rather boring, because of his slow-near drawl speech. so i talked to jackie, realising that i couldnt go to bed early because i had to babysit. another test back that i got a low grade on btw...and to travel to lit...we did this pointless trial, where the answers that the "witnesses" had to give were set in the damn thing we were reading, not like 'heres evidence. use it to argue your case'. it was sooo fucking pointless. and boring. art...finally...soemthing fun....cept that god-damned erin girl drives me insane...shes and idiot...and hypocritical and low esteem and all that shit but the most annoying is that she pretends to know pain or sorrow or regret or happiness that you kow she has no feeling of. and then, as i was looking at dina's painting, jennifer came up and told me to meet her in room 2206 after school. and so we stayed til 3:45 because she had to take a test that she missed. which didnt bother me, but it was like...hm...half hour of nothing...fun! well anyway, we left and went to my house for a bit and i made her a bracelet from the colours she took an hour (exaggeration) to choose. we went to walmart to pick out paints to paint her spongebob bathroom. tehn to her house and i played with ginas baby, ashley (jennifers middle name, named after her) and then i walked down to kates to babysit...we watched the lizzie mcguire movie..which was okie, but id rather sleep. THen the girls wanted to play computer games but i made them get ready for bed first ad their parents came home before i had them in bed and it was after bedtime. i came home, to my parents, quite naturally, and jennifer and neil came over. my mum started to sew the bodice of my dress, which made me happier, and i finished drawing belle and was quite proud of it, also making the day a bit brighter. in fact, i was alright, going on my merry way until i asked neil what he and chris were whispering about. jackie, if you are reading this, this is it.

Nick had a drinking party, which ive known about past ones, so it wasnt a big surprise. neil said that all he was saying was that nick told lisa and lisa had probably told all the girls, which was stupid. and that was it. thats all the convo was about. i asked why he would care hat the girls all knew...they knew about nick and his parties already..so waht was so important. he said becasue he didnt want anyone of importance (i.e. authorities, teachers, theatre coordinators) to know. i asked how he knew so much information, and he replied hat he had also attended this party, after leaving my house. i stared at him, hoping he would understand the look in my eyes {jillian would have} and he asked "what?" [only a guy] i told him he knew what i was thinking about. he sayd why i went? i dont know...now i think it was stupid i began to glare...he knew what i was talking about and trying to skip around it. "did you drink?" yea a little, but now i think it was stupid (oh i dearly despise this apprehensive follow up). to me, it means that there is really no regret, but as if speaking to parents, who you know would be disappointed and would ask if you had learned your lesson, a cover up as if to not get in trouble. If you fail to understand my anger in his decision, i have two parents who are constantly drinking when at home...and my mum smokes if you didnt know yet. I carefully chose my friends to not be like that, and upon learning "nuggets" like such about friends, i tend to drift away from them. i live with the shit; the last thing i want is friends who are just like home. when you leave your house, you want someone who is not like your family in the ways that you want to get away from them in the first place. that really disappointed me. My brother told me he wouldnt do it either, and so i dont trust neils promise to not to it again. i hardly trust him as it is. nick has opened him mouth too much and ruined it for me. and i want to cry. i am so mad at nick. what he knws he spreads...to the wrong people. i understand people tend to discuss certain things only wiht close friends and thye put a load of trust into that person, hoping to god that they will not tell another soul. and so, i told jackie things that i did with neil, until of course, i ruined that. and neil told nick. nick made the stupid mistake of mentioning a specific around our friends, so that only neil and i knew waht he was talking about, but it was upsetting that he so openly said it. i guess because it means that he most likely said it to someone esle. then, i was talking to him and he blatently stated his opinoin on the subject that i had told him nothing of, and asked no opinion of. and so i have ceased talking to him and he wonders why. i want to get away from this group so bad...and i cannot wait for them to leave more every day. in the summer, i dreaded the moment they did, but now i cannot feel the moment soon enough. i am beginning to feel so much hatred toward people, i cant even face them. maybe i am shamed to look them in the face for waht i have done to them...or possibly the fact taht they know the truth i prefer a secret...maybe it is that what people know me as is quietly being ruined as they learn secrets...and i know what they say when they just want to get away...but i know i cant because then it would just [a] be temporary, (b) return when i did, {c} never solve. and so, i am aggrevated and pissed and sad and upset and angry and impatient and tense.

i need a hug.

um...
so neils here...yup...thats it...if you are involved in crewa nd you havent checked gooses journal yet, do so, and leave some memory-ness! lata!