::dinosaur grr::
hola guys...am so mad...i guess at myself... for crew, if you want to be a head, you write so on the back of your sign up sheet...and i didnt figureing that they wouldnt need a little sound asst. but of course, without me, they hired arshonsky. BLAH! am so pissed...he pretends to know what hes doing and doesnt and yells at you and messes stuff up and acts like its all ok. He's the fake over-achiever! it drives everyone insane. he would be a cool guy if he didnt try so damn hard! ::sigh::

if you've got nothing better to do, you shud dL this font:

quizzies

Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
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Electron -- You are full of energy and frentic
movement. Although you have a philosophicaly
"negative" outlook, people would
hardly be able to tell it by looking at you.
You get along well with protons and those who
are positive.


What kind of subatomic particle are you?
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Your treasure is an Emerald. You find luck in all
things.


What's Your Treasure?
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Anyone know why im like the queen of green?

WILMOT!
i drove to wilmot today! woo! trix and jillian...i promise you guys i will get you until you get your licenses...and i can keep it because i live near you and you are the only ones (other than sandy, who lives by jackie) who dont have thier licenses and so ill take you to crew and stuff! am excited! nearly three hours tdoay! woO!
on another note, i dont feel like doing my spanish hmwk...but its okie...
and yet another note...i shud by some sticky notes so i dont lose my-wait...im forgetting something.....hm...Q and stunkel came by...eh...no interest...and im starting to get sick of neil again...not sick sick justl ike i wnat to be by myself so often...i dont know i dont want people around lately
ive got a cough and it hurts my chest and it tastes weird and yesterday and this morning my temp was pretty low considering its supposed to be 98.6 and 100.6 is a low temp, i had 96.6...which i dont think is good...um...yes...::cough:: my head hurts o well...dinner's ready...later!

TAKE MY QUIZ!!!

I MADE A QUIZ!
GUYS I MADE A QUIZ! YOU MUST TAKE IT! TIS LOADS OF MILKY FUN!


Plain, cold milk...Yum! Refreshing and awesome with
Oreos! Put a few ice cubes in and enjoy it even
colder!


What kind of milk are you?
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same

Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
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hehe now im making a quiz!

quizzes

You represent... happiness.
Boy, are you full of cheer or what...? You have a
sunny disposition and enjoy trying to spread
your happiness. You have a tendency to be a
little hyper, but you have the ability to make
your own fun no matter what.


What feeling do you represent?
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there was this one question that went either way, depending whether im with people or not so i got two

Goddess of green. You probably prefer to be outside
where you can get some fresh air!


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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i think more the first but whatever

What Is Your Animal Personality?
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You're An Intellectual!
You can always be found reading or on the computer.
People always come to you when they need
information. You don't really care about love
at this point, your only goal is to improve
your mind. After all, knowledge is power!


What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.


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grr
the god damn smoke is in my face! just like always, the tv is on loud...just like always.... the other one is blaring over it...just like every minute between 5 and 10...im aggravated because my dad is trying to control the shit he doesnt know anything about...how new...::sigh:: my head hurts, everyone is at the football game...grr! i want to leave, ive gotten an hour of driving so i cant go anymore (went to gurnee today) i want to leave though! ama find how to put pictures in html.

quizzies

You are Beauty.

You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the
outside, or both. People are drawn to you as
strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the
world around you.


What Emotion Are You?
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congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
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you're asshole.


What swear word are you?
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Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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The Lost Soul


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
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Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.

Made by
Sara


What color do you see the world in?
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You Like Straight hair like Avril (8() AHHHHH
NOOOOOOOO.


Witch Hair style would you have.
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Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
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Congratulations!! You're a glass of water!! . .. um


What Drink Are You?
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~woo! water!~


"Sweet Dreams" (by Eurythmics)
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused


Which 80's Song Fits You?
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~oo i like it~


Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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regular, plain old sex-- boring to some, yet you
seem to love it. hey, do whatever pleases you!
(and of course your significant other)


What type of SEX do You enjoy?
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~guys...i wouldnt know for sure...~


Your: Happy eyes! Your cheerfull, bright and always
want to try something new. Your inquisitive and
quite lovable. You have many friends and will
succseed in life.


What type of eyes do you have?
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YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret?
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footsie - you like to goof around and laugh with
the people you care about.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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HIyA!
am going to homecoming! erm...i dont know if im excited or nervous or scared or what...well let me explain~am excited just cuz i got flowers, well basically anyway. half of it is surprise...i had no idea he was going to ask so soon. its six weeks {as stacey so kindly just informed me ::bows to stacey::} until then, and i really hope we stay together until then. am sort of worried that jackie will be mad at me, or pretend shes not yet making it so blatently obvious she is. stacey has already said "i wish i was going to homecoming", which, it is also true that she will be asked sometime during the next six weeks::again, bows to staceys time lapse statement::. I want Q to ask trixy really bad; i think they would make a cute couple, although, trix, if you are reading this, i will nto tell him to. its his decision, ive already said i think you guys would be cute together, and i explained "our plan" and he laughed, in agreeance i suppose. ooo btw, jackie and benton and i got our zoo pics today! they are really funny! well anyway. Jackie is going to get asked by benton, because wender will give way to his power, although benton may hold off as an effect to wender. ::shrugs:: eh! itll work itself out. sandy...well...i think well get her someone...i think kyle and lisa are set, even though they arent doing too well, they are too attached to break up...spencer and jillian too...i dont think they are done yet. sandy, wender could take or benton...depending...chris broke up with jenny, so he'll have to find someone! ::gasp:: am helping fritz with creative ways to ask his girlfriend...but i cant think of any...she swims which he might be able to do soemthing with...o well...post any suggestions...::sigh:: yesterday i bought a four by four piece of wallboard. am drawing a load of disney characters on it...twill be loads of fun! and then i will paint them! woo! i think i will give it to jackie or jennifer...jennifer because of her new house but jackie because she loves disney. [HammeTrucci: i was just telling him how it was perfect that i asked you out today and i was going to ask you to homecoming
battlestarre: and what did he say
HammeTrucci: yeah said "beautiful"] well...gnight...

a story to tell your friends

confusion
several recent entries from the thoughts notebook...yup.

How can it be that one moment happiness fills every cell of my body, and moments later, sadness ensues? can it be, that the moment contains words that puncture the balloon filling my heart? Shall I cry, or will I laugh? I ask myself several times recently-what is depression? Could I be depressed? Or is happiness just ever-so-often interrupted by evil thoughts? I think maybe we only use ten percent of our brains because we can only control five percent or so. Humans don’t like what they cant control. They avoid it at all costs. If it cannot be CONTROLLED, then we assume alterations, as if we are only factory machines. Our feelings sometimesescape our grasp, therefore we claim (v).to be insane ; creating a backwards perception of FEAR. But smile and ignore all, and happiness shall reign, correct? Hm? Another thought completed at 1:28 AM, the 7th day of the 7th month in the two thousand and third year or our lord, who happens to be another fraud of our world. {if you believe differently, that is fine, I accept your beliefs and I ask of you to do the same.}

how sweet?
It’s amazing how one word can make or break your day, jump start your heart or puncture it, run adrenaline through your mind or sorrow.

sort of poet
(Sorry, am not really a poet, but I like to put words together. So for anyone who is a real poet, please deal with it and don’t criticize it.)

stacey's house one night
(24/6) I want to write so very badly. Words are coming to mind in a wonderful combination. I’m half-tired. I was laying on him listening to his heart, feeling it take advantage of the soft architecture of his ribs, the same way I was, and only mine wasn’t a consistent beating. I love how his curls wrap around my fingers when I run them throught the gelled rings. They fit in my fingers perfectly. Even though the room is unbelieveably hot, I love laying on him to feel the warmth of his skin. He has such a gentle touch; I feel safe and protected, as if I will never feel pain again. But I know I will. I know how it will hurt. I know what I will miss most. How I wish to be a poet, to put my words beautifully, unlike the rough, foreign way they are here. Some are not as happy as I feel like a balloon; she sits before, glancing almost longingly at him and me. I see the way her eyes water when she hears of the sweetness anyone of us receives. She only feels misery, from the one who made her happy only twice. Two times that ended nearly as fast as they’d begun; she held the highest for only moments before reality set in. Reality that he wouldn’t change for her, and she would only feel like a toy, no, an appliance. IF she lets it continue, she will become rusty and stained. Can she break the tie she’s been meaning to for a small three months? Or will it continue, making her pain swim through her heart? Another stares as if hers is perfect. Does she see how she is only bound; in more than one way is she bound though. She is tied to him, to the title. Bound to be hurt, pain actually slicing as easily as cake through the recently healed surface. Once the scab is broken, it will bleed again, twice as thick, doubled in amount. She will remember, denying the memory, believing ‘twas only a dream this time. One more, whose denial matches the supposed mythology of a unicorn or centaur. She conceals her tears as if never there, pretends she never realized the amount he doesn’t want her-the way he pushes her away releases its secret. Ah, the drama of the theatre people. It’s funny how I see it as if in the audience, as another, unattached, yet I am blind to my own soon-to-be pain. It may be just as clear, but it is hidden in the darkness. I watch the show, not knowing I am part of it myself.

Quote on my wall
(5/5)

NoTeBoOk of the PaSt
(6/6)The world makes me wonder. So many people are depressed, failing to have compliance with their thoughts, derogatory opinions, and negative ideas. So much of the world is sad. Emotionally confused. Scared. Afraid. Unloved. Afraid to love; to trust. Thinking no one cares, no one’s there. So many want another-doesn’t matter who. Someone to tell them the answer. Someone to wake them up. Someone to end the never-ending war. Another treaty with life; a bargain with the devil. Just anything, done by anyone-because they believe someone else can do it. Believing incapability, giving in to fear. So caught up in trying to get someone to love you, do you love you? What is depressed; sad; unhappy; discontent? Another theory; observation? Yet another creation of the human mind? Who has decided? Am I strange? Odd? Weird? Wrong? Backwards? Challenged? Am I different -too different to know? Is it natural to be sad? And those who are happy are diseased? Have I betrayed my kind? Who says I don’t stand while they move? Am I backwards; insane? What says it is not just me that belongs in the nut house rather than you-all of you. The 80% of knowingly depressed and medicated in my school; Those who spend time in prison, asylums, houses? Who said humans are not meant to be sad? Majority being normal, are we not odd in this kingdom of content animals? Is there so few who are willing to fight this imagined master? What monster really exists? Do the dandelions speak? Can we see the dead? Do we all experience the same thing and take it differently? Or do we refuse to admit what we see for fear of rejection, and so agree? Is majority normality?

todays update!
::SIGH:: SOOO much happened today. First, i woke up at nine thirty, immediatly followed by my phone ringing with jackie on the other line asking to go to the zoo...sounded fantastic! and twas! trix and mel came too! we named all the animals by calling out our friends names and seeing which they responded to. [see toki journal for more info]
well, on our way back home, we stopped at jackies mums old friends house and watched "resurrecting nefertiti" on discovery channel {woo!} eventually leaving to pick up her brother and going back to her house and eating pizza
but before we got there, i got a call from nick, after seeing that *sally* and him had called...and he told me that *sally* had called him earlier telling him that she wanted to commit suicide, and he talked her out of it. honestly, i think *sally* just wanted to know if people cared and wouldnt have really done it...i dont know if she has the courage...but nick is freaked out, i guess he has never been in that situation before.
so neil came to jackies and we went to drop off the camera. after taking trixy and jackie home, i asked neil if he had talked to nick and he sayd no so i figured i was safe with waht was talked about last night. but i wouldnt kiss him.
jillian and spencer are having troubles; she doesnt think he likes her at all anymore, but she loves him...
jackie hasnt told me much but as far as i know she still likes benton...
lisa and kyle are still together yet so far apart...
and in the interesting new thought catagory, we concocted a plan today at the zoo! yes, we have belief that we may be able to get patrice, the most unlikely person, to be voted into homecoming court. She would then bring stunkel wth her and play twist and shout upon entrance and not wear anything neat. yes. and so, brittany was called to make arrangements to get everyone to vote for her. thoughts float back to last years homecoming, when someone ran thru our new stadium, first game played, in blue fuzzy underwear! only. a male, if i may enhance the image in your mind of the banned student.

el telefono
doom doom doom...on phone with jackie! shes talking to me now...which is good...we had a long discussion. THe reason i didnt write for so long is that my brother and kristy came in, and they go to bed early (usually having to get up for work) and the computer is in the room that they were staying in. Well, they stayed for ten days, and cathy and my grandma came in...it was kind of overwhelming...i wanted to talk to my grandma, but wanted to spend time with cathy and my brother...and its hard to keep them together-grandma~proper, cathy~not best manners, tyler~smart ass. so, after two or so months of my mum talking to jackie privately, and me guessing, phone calls started coming, "so you having a party this yr?" "how's that party coming along?" you know like that...all ending with my response of "huh?" then, the ninth of august morning, i checked my caller id and it said "card and party warehouse" o how nice...also, kristy said "so when is that party?". well, anyway...my brother came upstairs and asked to play computer games, quite obviously to keep me occupied...and then took me driving [in which, may i add, that i did quite well, stalling only twice], telling me he had never been down the road that took us to the park where the party was. yes...a surprise party! woo! everyone was there~37 people! everyone jackie (who was pissed at me at the time), sandy, yasamin, patrice, benton, hul, stacey, lisa, neil{'course}, danielle, jaymie, spencer, anthony, andy, anthony's girlfriend that i hate, nick, jill, chris, Q [mike], stunkel (kevin), jennifer, the girls i babysit, cathy {whom of which i've mentioned}, ::sigh:: i cant remember everyone. it was a lot of fun tho...if you want to know more about it, go to my friends and read goose's entry...thats jillian...shes fun!


so this is what is going on. i am mean...yes, your eyes hath not deceived you. kei, as ive told you, has left vhhs. and there have been two parties for her now. they were fun...but there are two problems...maybe that i have created for myself. first of all, i am very mean to neil. i am controlling and violent toward him. i only hurt him. i guess its what ive always done toward people...hurt them...if i spend enuf time around thm...i do so. wen i was little, everyone played school when jorie wanted them too...and with cathy, the same, and with anthony i hurt him too...and now with nick and neil. i hate it but i dont know how to stop it.


nick is going to make me cry. we have been talking about neil and me and how my whole thing with jackie and benton and wender created a disaster, destorying trust and friendships along the way. but no one changes on the outside. we still hug, tickle each other, talk about the same things. but only those involved know of the deceit and the fear of change. no one sees the tears run down or the things our desires drive us to do. no one knows the thoughts we think, but they know the situation. i hate the cold chill that runs thru my body when i think of how i am not even sure if neil cares for me or if it is only sexual lust that drives him to stay with me late at night. i shake thinking of the hate of men i have, because they lack the ability to think so itimatly as women do. this is a long ass entry. i was going to write of how i missed hul so much when i looked in his eyes tonight, but it doesnt matter...the truth has been verified...what ive wondered for a few weeks, something so obvious has been spoken true, and it sort of hurts, erasing any intrest i had in discussing past boyfriends. night.

WOO SHAKESPEARE!

You are OTHELLO. Iago, the jilted assistant to
Othello, plots to turn Othello against his new
wife, Desdemona. He succeeds, resulting in the
deaths of Desdemona, Othello, Roderigo, and his
wife, Emilia.


What Shakespearean Tragedy Are You?
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You are Francis Flute! You play Thisbe, the lady
that Pyramus must love. One tiny little problem
though... you're a guy. Oh, well.
You are...Viola from Twelfth Night!!! You dressed
up like a man to be near the one you love!
Kinda quirky...he's in love with the woman who
is now in love with your manly self. On top of
that, you're shipwrecked in this god-forsaken
town and you've lost your brother. Good luck
to you!


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You are A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM--you flee the
rule of Athens in order to marry some imbecile
named Lysander. Enjoy the marriage bed.


What Shakespeare Play Are You?
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You Are Romeo and Juliet! You're in love, but no
one must know! Beware, it won't end happily.


What Shakespeare Play Are you?
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I know him as well as I know myself *coughs*


Know Shakespeare?Rate yourself
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You are A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. 2 Athenian
couples find themselves romping in the forest
amidst fairies--who properly confuse them.
Everything turns out in the end, though!


What Shakespearean Comedy Are You?
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la la la
so i havent written in a while; i dont have any deep thoughts right now. im relaxed because ive just returned from keis party and we all massaged each others backs, hands, and temples and everyone was (in sandy terms) woosh! kei had a party because she used to go to vhhs but because of her not living in vernon hills, she cant go there any more-and so now goes to mhs, which happens to be more full of drugs than our school and she hates it. its her senior year and all her friends are at vhhs. we all love kei. shes funny and smart; shes the kind of girl who always makes you laugh and her jokes get funnier everytime she tells them. she has an aura that makes you happier when youre around her and is always smiling, no matter how bad her day is. shes an awesome actress and singer and shes been in vhhs for three years. we all love kei, that couldnt be said enough because it is so true, and it sort of hurts to watch the tears run down her face at the fact she cant play around in the halls with us, or come to crew, or play velindad (a russian woman that kei made up who teaches us "how to be sexy". The way she does it is hilarious. so anyway, sandy and i are going to the superintendents office on monday to either get kei back or to figure out a fundraiser to pay the 12,000 out-of-district fee.
well...school started. its alright. i have latin, spanish, u.s. history, gym, lunch, algebra II, american lit, and art. im excited about art and latin and sort of spanish. us history is alot of fun because the teacher, bellito, is funny and random. algebra is alright, stilling is nice but the class is slow. latin is the same. and spanish is sort of difficult...but i had a really easy teacher last year so i guess its just withdrawl. they are really drilling the american into us this year...cuz we all need to be good americans before going into the world you know. doom de doom doom...thats all i got...sweet dreams... night!

ouchies!
my head hurts alot...i think that i need to go to bed...i fell asleep for a half hour today, til the phone rang...well anyway...

so yesterday i didnt write because neil was here 'til two. yea...grr. it kinda makes me mad i ended up falling asleep next to him, which i guess wasnt too bad but he moved and woke me up. i dont know how im going to handle marrige...you know sleeping in the same bed with someone else...well be married for a week and ill end up in the other room for the rest of our marrige lol.
this is what happened. i went out with jennifer again and then nick picked me up and we went to sandy's, where wender(zzz) and hul were. hul's good at talking, but wender kinda makes the mood slower...so i felt bad for sandy whos like a fishy out of water, hyper-wise. and the four of us called jackie, whose phone was answered by benton. meghan and them were going to dinner and benton told us to come over, which obviously didnt fit jackies tastes. we got in the car and everyone rolled thier windows down and upon "guys roll your windows up its cold" nick stopped..."you have five seconds get a sweatshirt" but she refused, so she shivered, riding the whole way slumped down in her seat like a two year old refusing to eat peas off her plate...yea that pathetic. arriving at portillos got me glares, and her normal 'everyone else should shut up because im pissed off' face, tone and body expressions. i had a headache, sudden from when i got to jackies...and it really began to hurt then. She had the nerve to ask what was the matter with me. o by the way, i didnt ask her waht was up because she yelled at me at camp that i always asked, embarressing her...like people didnt notice the tears running down her face and the rose rimmed eyes....::sigh:: i told her that i wouldnt bother asking anymore... so that really drove me nuts.

alright...today. yes i believe that is in call.

today

i did...

...

..nothing.

yes, my anxious fans nothing...until about five...then i fell asleep...for a half hour. then my mum took me to buy shampoo and my dad took me to drive this golf cart he fixed for his sky diving place....and nick and neil showed up, shortly followed by jennifer and later Q and stunkel. nick and neil and i started playing around while jennifer was on the computer, before Q and stunkel showed up and i kicked nick in some muscle that hurt him really badly [okie am not naive, but it wasnt the spot.] but he kept complaining making me feel worse...o well, hes fine now.

nick just told me he wants to tell me something but wants to hear the expression in my voice so wouldnt tell me onlyn-neil just asked if i told everything we did together to jackie, because she tells me everything-Q is describing how he is depressed because of his mum and how he wants to be happy-and wender is telling me how much jackie hurt him...well she hurts everyone unfortunatly. i nearly want her to read this and the conversation and i want her to hear all my thoughts...but she would cry...cry and tell me that she is worth nothing which isnt what im saying at all...unless of course anyone who's reading this thinks so...~an hour has passed~ good lord i began this entry at twelve twelve alreay it is two forty two. o how do i even start. so much has gone down in two hours and thirty minutes. amazingly, my headache has disappeared. i feel really good right now. ive helped wender by telling him the complete truth. he asked for honesty and i gave it to him. i am quite blunt when asked. now Q on the other hand is convinced he is nothing, you know the whole 'mother fails to ensure good influence on child' thing. a degrading parent. always fun eh? ah fuck...tmros the first...neil and my month-a-versary. ::sigh:: im tired as all hell!...yes, hell is tiring! eureka! you'd think that after extensive emotional recall and listening to basic whining, immediatly followed by my yapping on positivity, i would feel like shit...all depressed and such, which btw, ive never felt, but i dont. i feel wonderful, freedom. or maybe thats because i complained about jackie enough to clear my mind.

eek! return of past journal entries
still more my thoughts...you may just want to skip over this section...its a bunch of boring stuff...

This entry was preceeded by a drawing of an eye, which i draw quite frequently

Just another eye drawn to appease the want to dra while bored. THe reflection was provided by the fireplace in the house of the people i happen to be babysitting for. the thoughts that provoked this eye to come out of my boredom reside in crew, with a person who i hope is thinking the same thoughts. the heart is not sporty-it doesnot lik games. it, rather, is more like plastic wrap-enjoying what it clings to. the eye is a window to the heart- not the soul. the eye dipicts the feelings of the heart. Any god takes care of the soul, for it s spiritual-and the heart is physical and mental. with this hand i could write forever- but that would leave no time for this mind to contemplate those words to descrive the feelings that would be put down. for now i have time and nothing better to do, which would make sense-having nothing to do provides time. havig any kind of utensil/instrument in my hand that can make marks and a paper mear my nose will result in seriuos thinkin. Warning stated. My eyes fight to close (~o they are now too~) but my battle to keep them open is winning by far. have the world pride? but is it the world or the people wich fails to cae? does one wish to destroy himself? or is it dne through actions that were unthought of having consequences? can it be told to our children that we failed ther future y our stubborness? what do we hold in the back of our minds taht we want no one to know? can one persons thoughs change the world? how bad would it be? could it possible be good? would the idea-meant for good-eventually kill the several actual good things taht were already there? do people purposely pretend? Or is it through childhood we learn to be fake and, through community's unspoken agreement, mak the world unreal? the questions that run throught my mind are throughly debatable and remain unanswered-thught open to be. Has anyone the time to contemplate the qustions hat subsconciously hold our lves togethe? or shall theymonce again, be forgotten until someone has nothing better to think of?

more past writings
more returning thoughts from the purple notebook with green crayon on it!!!

Where did i go wrong? how did i end up failing everyone-from myself to my farthest friend? when you think a hug is all you need, the arms are the farthest away. How long can a heart cry before the brain realises the pain? Do we all hold the power to heal our minds? to see waht hurts and heal our hearts? what must w do to keep ourselves happy; ultimatly making the world a fairy tale-with rainbows and bunnies? But the assurance we can live with happiness. close a person in a room and start filling it with water. from the moment he realises what is happening, to the second he decides to give up-the most important thing i his mind is an escape route. Upon finding hplessness, he begins to think of his life-what got him into such a predicament and waht mistakes he never should hav made. Can it be known what is the most important to us now, when our lives are not threatened? Do we fully understand waht threats we face and know how to heal our own minds-only to adjust to the criminal world that surrounds us? Who said we would be unhappy? who deermined our fate? people say God-but is Got not ourseles? We should love god mor than anything-but too much love gives dependancy. We choose our own pths. we are given the choices and even if we see the outcomes of both, we choose an instinct. Once i a predicament, we blame other people, failing to see the real fault. But amoung choosing our own paths, we choose how to overcome our obstacles. we expect people to heal us-as if children with small cuts that came from the tree they took the chance to climb. Ther is one time in our lives we notice that someone wont always be there and learn to live by ourselves. we learn to take car of ourselves. we see the tree is dangerous to climb, therfore avoiding cuts-but if the tee must be tackled, the wounds must be dealt with. The point is everything has its consequence- we have to learn to deal with things on our own. We need to understand ourselves to explain ourselves to other people, for an explanation without understanding is pointless yap. Some people pretend the wound doesnt exist-allowing it to get infected, which only hurts more than the original cut. These people hide things-allowing the infectionsto enter the bloodstream, eventually killing us. The problems are never dealt with; allowing them to pile upon each other, making the tree offensive to look at. These people feel they must climb the tree before the infected wounds are healed-causing weaknesses and making the person feel as if he will never achieve his goal opposed to he one who watched his mother disinfect, then protct his wound. He is the one who climbed the tree, and made it down safely. Even when his mother died, he remembeed her actions to heal his cuts, and used them himself on the wound she gained when she fell sick. He found the tired, sad, infected individual and took him to his home,where he taught him the methods he had learned. Eventually the infected learnd and climbed the tree. Some people think strength is never asking for help. But the real strength is having such a grip on life that help isnt needed, not setting yourself in ole, which youll eventually need a hand out of anyway.

~sorry that was long...erm...i sound really bible-ish, eh? its funny because that was only three and a half pages of four that i wrote that night

ive returned
alright...i got some anger out and i was playing around with the settings on my journal, ultimatly finding a squee picture to put up and now im pretty happy with it. and now im going to put in some entries that are things i wrote in a notebook before i had this and while my comp was broken (okie it still is; am on my friends) some of it sounds stupid now...but it sounded smart when i wrote it....

Where do people leave thier confidence? it seems as if they care more about what other people think than they do about making themselves happy. if you died, the one who criticized you would live on,m and making a change would never matter to them. If it was the other way around, and they died, what would you feel? you would not believe those things anymore if someone told you the opposite. Why does it take so much to make someone believe you wehn you tell him or her a positive thing about him or her, but onlyy once when it is negative? who decides waht is wrong with us? why are someone elses problems important in your life? they do not affect you in anyway that is life threatening. Why does it matter? people today need more confidence. it isnt something you can buy at a store, and not just one person can give it to you. it has to be given, like wind, in small gusts. and the sunlight shines through like love, warming the surface. and the light of the stars shows mercy in the dark sky. if we all had waht the earth does, would we be happy?

doom doom doom

GRR!
alrighty...so i feel like shit. i want everyone to go away. i want to be alone to listen to my own heart for a while. i grow tired of seeing fear and pain in other peoples eyes i grow weary of hearing thier troubles but i still listen hoping for a silent moment in which i can stop to listen to myself because i am calling my own name to listen...i ignore myself becasue others need me more than i do but i know that isnt true its just an excuse i use because i need one so that i dont snap and bitch at everyone who comes near and tries to talk with me. i want to cry but tears are useless. i want to find a place of peace. i wish i had a car. then i could drive and think and drive and think and listen to incubus and drive and think...i would be in control of myself for once rather than follow him to eat and her to her house to watch a movie...i could describe things to myself in vibrant paragraphs and not be told that i think too much about trivial matters. i wont be told that i have too much time on my hands when what i choose to do with my time is useless to someone else. all that is there is me and nature and waht is life and waht is not and i can actually accept myself for waht i am, which i do, but i dont want to have to think twice about me..i can just think thoughts...and i dont have to study looks and gaze into glazed eyes...ask the right questions only to recieve i dont know...because the questions always have answers and i always know them. ive been a bitch to neil lately, pretty controlling actually...and he told me he understands that you just need some alone time sometimes but i dont think he understands how i want to push him away but at the same time i want him there. i want to have him...but i want to be alone. ::sigh:: i dont knw what to think anymore...i like him so much i wonder waht love really is and if i could possibly be expiriencing it...but then i know i am not because-because...i cant think of a reason why not right now...but it doesnt seem plausible. my mum always says if when refering to our break up...i dont believe her. maybe im trying to avoid somthing or maybe im afraid
im afraid of a lot. mostly love. even by my friends. im loved too much. tears should not be shed for anyone other than yourself...people latch on to me. i wish they wouldnt because even though i help them, i dont know if i want them there...they make me think...im handed situatons that i normally wouldnt get myself into .... but cant there just be a listfor that...no...then the emotions wouldnt be included...the particular personality wouldnt change it all around...alright...im emotionally exhausted for right now ama go sleep..night..

::sigh::
so im supposed to have taken a shower like an hour and a half ago...neil wants to come over but my mum is driving me insane; shes more obsessed with him than i am...you'd think that he was her boyfriend (eww). i guess its alright...he gets along with her, and my dad, cuz hes into racing, what better way to impress an ex-race car driver, eh? all thats left is my brother, wehn he comes to visit in the first week of august. he's going to stay for a week last time i saw him for that long we went to flordia for christmas. i get along with him alright, with the exception of the maturity difference. okie ama go take a shower...