Afterall, We're just animals.

:: 2023 24 July :: 2.45pm

been sitting back and watching the flux of the universe

ebbing and flowing, bringing bounty and ruin

through the chaos, bubbles form in the matter

sparking a sense of organization and meaning once lost on me

despite the constant flood of bad news and terroristic acts, my heart has found a raft in his love

weather beaten and storm torn, I still feel stunning and resolute when his baby blues rest lovingly upon my corpulent frame

I just want to be better every day to make him proud of me, because I want to be proud of me, because I believe in the him that believes in me

we are all living on a spiral, and instead of out, I am lovingly spiraling up

:: 2023 7 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

I am now a Mrs! we eloped on Tuesday because the small group we invited to the ceremony started getting very... selfish? so we just did our own thing. we had sushi at our favorite restaurant and everyone got along and had a beautiful time.

the fire pit and patio are huge successes!! we have had 4 fires so far, and I just can't get enough toasted marshmallows. our butterfly garden is starting to really take off, but some critter keeps coming in at night trying to fuck shit up!

also finally losing weight. my last day at work is the 14th and I already feel like this huge weight is lifted off my back....

next on the agenda... buy a house so my disabled friend can live in it and get out of the shitty section 8 housing complex she is stuck in. this has been a dream for a very long time, and my partner is completely on board with the idea. having an actual partner who always meets me at least halfway is just... remarkable.

I didn't think life could feel this good. I just hope it's not short lived. I know this marriage will take a lot of work, but he's worth it.

I could just pop, so happy.

3 Shots | Point and Shoot

:: 2023 24 June :: 10.03pm
:: Music: Taylor swift- you need to calm down

Mom, I am a rich man.

:: 2023 24 June :: 9.59pm
:: Music: Fall out boy- this ain't a scene it's an arms race

At night we're painting your trash gold, while you sleep/ Crashing not like hips or cars/ No, more like p-p-parties

I am an arms dealer
Fitting you with weapons in the form of words
And don't really care which side wins
Long as the room keeps singing
That's just the business I'm in
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
I'm not a shoulder to cry on, but I digress
I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate
Oh so intricate yeah
I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate
Oh so intricate yeah
I wrote the gospel on giving up (you look pretty sinking)
But the real bombshells have already sunk (prima donnas of the gutter)
At night we're painting your trash gold, while you sleep
Crashing not like hips or cars
No, more like p-p-parties
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
Bandwagon's full, please catch another
I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate
Oh so intricate yeah
I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate
Oh so intricate yeah, whoa oh oh oh whoa oh
All the boys who the dance floor didn't love
And all the girls whose lips couldn't move fast enough
Sing, until your lungs give out
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race (now you)
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race (wear out the groove)
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race (sing out loud)
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race (oh, oh)
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate
Oh so intricate yeah
I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate
Oh so intricate

:: 2023 11 June :: 8.19pm
:: Music: Panic! At the disco/ viva Las vengeance

I don't want to be anonymous/ but I don't want to be you...
hut up and go to bed
She said, "Viva Las Vengeance"
Shut up and go to bed
She said, "Viva Las Vengeance"
Hacking at my feed, act like you are me
No one really cares (really cares)
Nothing's really real, no one really feels
Nothing to declare (to declare)
I don't wanna be anonymous
But, I don't wanna be you
In a city full of promises
Nothing rings true
Shut up and go to bed
She said, "Viva Las Vengeance"
Shut up and go to bed
She said, "Viva Las Vengeance"
Giving up the key to paint a masterpiece
What am I doing here?
Stuck here in the weeds
On a road that leads
To nowhere, to nowhere, to nowhere, to nowhere
To nowhere, to nowhere, to nowhere, to nowhere
Shut up and go to bed
Viva Las Vengeance
Shut up and go to bed
Viva Las Vengeance
Shut up and go to bed
Viva Las Vengeance
Shut up and go to bed
She said, "Viva Las Vengeance"
Shut up and go to bed
She said, "Viva Las Vengeance"
Every moment is a replay
I'm being buried alive
Didn't wanna kill the DJ
But it can't hurt to try

:: 2023 26 May :: 10.27pm

life is a rollercoaster ride that you are either too short or too tall for.

my heart is the fullest it's ever been. I finally feel optimistic for the future. I finally see there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

plans for a hummingbird garden and a fire pit are coming together. the big day is set for the end of next month. I can't believe this is real life. I feel stupid for waiting so long to reach out, but I love the whirlwind I'm wrapped up in.

1 Shot | Point and Shoot

:: 2023 21 April :: 9.29pm
:: Music: Panic! At the disco- this is gospel

Don't try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive/ 'Cause I won't give up without a fight
This is gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories

This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart

Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven't seen the best of us yet

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart

This is gospel for the vagabonds
Ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Led away by imperfect impostors

This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart

Don't try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive
'Cause I won't give up without a fight

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

The fear of falling apart
The fear, the fear of falling apart

(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart

(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart

:: 2023 20 April :: 11.19pm
:: Music: Bleachers- I wanna get better

I miss the days of a life still permanent
Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I frozen time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when i panicked at the acid test

I wanna get better

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars

Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til i wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better

I go up to my room and there's girls on the ceiling
Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling
Of an eighteen year old who didn't know what loss was

Now I'm a stranger

And I miss the days of a life still permanent
Mourn the years before I got carried away
So now I'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself

Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn't know I was lonely 'til i saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til i wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better

'Cause I'm sleeping in the back of a taxi
I'm screaming from my bedroom window
Even if it's gonna kill me

Woke up this morning early before my family
From this dream where she was trying to show me
How a life can move from the darkness
She said to get better
So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet
And I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away
That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself
Hey, I wanna get better!
I didn't know I was lonely 'til i saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til i wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better

:: 2023 18 March :: 10.22pm
:: Music: Fall Out Boy- love from the other side

We're told we gotta get ahead, yeah No matter what it takes But there's no way off the hamster wheel on this rat race I'd never go, I just want to be invited, oh
Model house life meltdown
Still a modern dream let down
It kills me, you know I'm dying out here
What would you trade the pain for?
I'm not sure
We were a hammer to the statue of David
We were a painting you could never frame and
You were the sunshine of my lifetime
What would you trade the pain for?
This city always hangs a little bit lonely on me
Loose, like a kid playing pretend in his father's suit
I'd never go, I just want to be invited, oh
Got to give up
Get the feeling, get the feeling
Don't fight it, fight it
Sending my love from the other side of the apocalypse
And I just about snapped
Don't look back
Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand
Love from the other side of the apocalypse
And I just about snapped
Don't look back
Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand
Generation sleep, I'm falling in and out of love
I'm getting that tilted feeling out here
What would you trade the pain for?
I'm not sure
Nowhere left for us to go but heaven
Summer falling through our fingers again and
You were the sunshine of my lifetime
What would you trade the pain for?
We're told we gotta get ahead, yeah
No matter what it takes
But there's no way off the hamster wheel on this rat race
I'd never go, I just want to be invited, oh
Got to give up
Get the feeling, get the feeling
Don't fight it, fight it
Sending my love from the other side of the apocalypse
And I just about snapped
Don't look back
Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand
Love from the other side of the apocalypse
And I just about snapped
Don't look back
Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand
I saw you in a bright clear field
Hurricane heat in my head
The kind of pain you feel to get good in the end
Good in the end
Inscribed like stone and faded by the rain
"Give up what you love"
"Give up what you love, before it does you in"
Sending my love from the other side of the apocalypse
And I just about snapped
Don't look back
Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand
Love from the other side of the apocalypse
And I just about snapped
Don't look back
Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand
Sending my love
Sending my love

:: 2023 6 March :: 5.14pm

I hate these chronic feelings of being completely unimportant

:: 2023 1 March :: 10.35am

I am just a piece of shitty trash in the Pacific ocean garbage patch

1 Shot | Point and Shoot

:: 2023 24 January :: 11.08pm
:: Music: Steve Aoki- Pretender

I'm just like you/ I'm a good pretender...
I'm a good pretender
Won't you come see my show?
Won't you come see my show?
I've got lots of problems
Well, good thing nobody knows
Good thing nobody knows
Oh, I'm insecure, I'm insecure
I think I like what I'm supposed to
Like what I'm supposed to
I don't even mess with drugs
I do that 'cause you say it's dope to
You say it is dope to
I'm a good pretender
I'm not really cool
I'm a good pretender
'Cause I'm just like you
I do not belong here
You all clearly do
But I'm a good pretender
So I'm just like you
I'm a good pretender
I'm a good pretender
Steve Aoki
Lil' Boat
I look happy in every picture
Just so you'd think I am
I never say no to pictures
'Cause that's just the person I am
In high school, I was tryna figure myself out
I was tryna be just like him (okay)
Tryna do things I don't usually do (why?)
I'm pretending to be too cool
I wish my mother had more sons
I wish my friends were my brothers
I wish my ex-girlfriend didn't cheat, she pretended to be my lover
In front of the camera screen
I make it look just like a movie scene
Diamonds on my hand, call me Lord of the Rings
Still insecure behind the scenes, though
Oh, I'm insecure, I'm insecure
I think I like what I'm supposed to
Like what I'm supposed to
I don't even mess with drugs
I do that 'cause you say it's dope to
You say it is dope to
I'm a good pretender
I'm not really cool (okay)
I'm a good pretender (yah)
'Cause I'm just like you (you)
I do not belong here (no)
You all clearly do
But I'm a good pretender
'Cause I'm just like you
I'm a good pretender
I'm a good pretender
I'm just like you, do you like me too?
Now I'm just like you
I'm a good pretender

catatonicsean

:: 2023 20 January :: 8.56pm
:: Mood: morose
:: Music: Peter Schilling - Major Tom (Coming Home)

I am divorced, reduced to smoldering rubble, and I want to kill myself. I am beyond consolation, in spite of having a girlfriend who loves me, I feel small and that no one will notice me being dead.

2 Shots | Point and Shoot

:: 2023 19 January :: 8.43pm
:: Music: Green Day- Waiting

Oh, so close enough to taste it/ Almost, I can embrace this/ Feeling on the tip of my tongue
I've been waiting a long time
For this moment to come, I'm
Destined for anything at all
Downtown, lights will be shining
On me, like in a diamond
Ring out under the midnight hour
Well, no one can touch me now, well
And I can't turn my back, it's
Too late, ready or not at all
Well, I'm so much closer than
I have ever known
Wake up!
Dawning of a new era calling
Don't let it catch you falling
Ready or not at all
Oh, so close enough to taste it
Almost, I can embrace this
Feeling on the tip of my tongue
Well, I'm so much closer than
I have ever known
Wake up!
Better thank your lucky stars
Say, hey, hey
Well, I'm so much closer than
I have ever known
Wake up!
You better thank your lucky stars
Say, hey, hey!
I've been waiting a lifetime
For this moment to come, I'm
Destined for anything at all
Dumbstruck, color me stupid
Good luck, you're gonna need it
Where I'm going, if I get there at all
Wake up!
And better thank your lucky stars