:: 2004 8 November :: 12.44 am
:: Mood: exhausted

WE'RE A SWEEPSTAKES BAND!!
screenname: marching band is, like, totally taking over your life.
screenname: omigod

And that's from one of the youth group councilors at my church. LOL!

WE'RE A SWEEPSTAKES BAND!! WHOOO!!!

(That means that we beat all of the 1A, 2A, and 3A bands!! Ummm, which means that we beat every band with 100 members or less!)

Oh, and my group for the WLH presentation is awesome. We spent like 4 hours planning our presentation today--and worked for about 30 minutes. Haha!

Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me grief about not doing certain things. (i.e. horseback riding lessons, church parties/functions/rehearsals/services, plays, etc.) I'm only one person. I can't do everything. Currently, marching band is my life, and I will do everything possible to spend as much time with my marching band friends while it lasts. I apoloize for my lack of attendance at anything non-marching band related.

4 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 3 November :: 6.53 pm

...and about the election...
We had an awesome hour-long discussion in WLH today about the above topic. Of course, the class is mostly composed of intelligent, liberal individuals, who basically all have the same views on everything. A few of my favorite quotes (not word for word) from the conversation:

"I don't understand why America can't understand that the real importance is in the issues such as the economy, health care, and the war on terror. If people are voting based on "moral values", the majority of people aren't voting for what's best for the country. They aren't thinking about how their vote affects the rest of the world."

"Why is some man in a suit allowed to make decisions regarding a women's right to choose? He'll NEVER have to deal with that issue himself, and just because he personally feels a certain way about it doesn't give him the right to make the decision for all of us."

"I hope he REALLY fucks up, just so the rest of the world can be like, why did I vote for that idiot? Yeah, I just want him to fuck something up really badly, just so people have that realization."

38 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 3 November :: 4.18 pm
:: Mood: anxious

A Girl of Many Lives...
So often am I reminded that I am negatively affected by my nonexistant free time. I didn't do my homework last night because I randomly had a headache, felt dizzy, and proceded to fall asleep on the couch. (This is the second time I've fallen asleep unintentionally while trying to do my homework.) It's a little crazy to think that while most people have 3 classes on Wednesday and (2, 4, and 6) and 3 on Thursday (1, 3, and 5), I have 5 on both Wednesday and Thursday. (0 split between Marching Band and G21, 2, 4, 6) and then (Concert Choir, 1, 3, G21, 5, 7). It's not like I come home and have free time after school, though, either. I have marching band twice a week, one voice lesson a week, horseback riding once a week, church/youth group (of which I'm VP)/church choir on Sundays. (And this is after quitting PYT shows, Girl Scouts, school soccer and volleyball, and CYSA soccer.) I have 0-7, and will have 0-7 next semester.

The thing is, I like my life like this. I wouldn't have it any other way. When marching band season ends (tear!) I'll add oboe and piano lessons to my schedule and take P.E. zero period.

In an ideal world, there'd be 48 hours in every day, and sleep wouldn't be necessary. But, since this is not true, and it majorly SUCKS that I can't devote the time necessary to excell in all of my activities, I've decided that there are a number of different lives I could take on. Each would leave me fulfilled in one area of study.

1. The Academic Life
My mom once told me that a daughter of a friend from work had just been accepted to Stanford. Apparently this daughter spent hours upon hours studying each of her classes every night, never went out on weekends, and was a brilliant scholar. In this life I would excell academically, take 8 ACADEMIC classes a day, (and use my electives for interesting classes such as Art Appreciation and Psychology and Global Connections and whatnot). I wouldn't really have a social life, and my extracurriculars would be minimal. The one or two performing arts classes I would take would be very intellectually oriented. I'd study like a mofo and consiquentually get a 4.0 (or whatever I'd get with the max number of AP classes) and do super well on SATs and SATIIs and AP tests because all I'd ever do is study for them. Hopefully I'd get into a crazy good college and spend my time alone in my dorm studying...as I always did.

2.The Performing Arts/Music Life
In this life I'd shift the focus from academics to music and performing arts. I'd take voice lessons from 2 or 3 different voice teachers (probably one classical/operatic teacher and one broadway style teacher) and take a Music Theory class at Foothill or somewhere on my own time. I'd take oboe and clarinet lessons, and buy a decent clarinet and oboe, and I'd practice at least an hour every day. I'd join something like CYS and spend my time there. I'd make the band/choir rooms my second homes. I'd also devote a lot of time to musical theatre and acting and I'd audition for Broken Box as well as become a regular at PYT. Every moment of free time would be dedicated to an instrument or performance of some time. I'd apply to conservatories and hopefully be accepted to some college with a crazy good music program and become a Music Major, ultimately ending up as an Instrumental Music director at a high school, a professional musician myself, a musical director for a children's theatre, a conductor, or something of that sort.

3. My Life at the Barn
This is where I dedicate my life to horses. I'd own my own horse (or two!) and spend hours after school at the barn every day. I'd probably be a working student at my barn and maybe help teach small lessons. I'd spend an incredible amount of time working with my horse every day and compete at shows almost every weekend. I'd become very close to my barn friends and hang out with them outside of riding. I'd travel a lot for shows and practice cross country. I'd also fork over tons of cash for lessons from a number of trainers and to participate in numerous clinics. I'd be very fit, know a ton about horse care/riding, and be a huge contribution to whatever barn I rode at/for. I'd go to a college with an amazing equestrian team, and board my horse at the college that I attended. I'd probably end up owning my own barn, teaching lessons, training horses, guiding trail rides, or something of that nature.

4. The Life of LAHS Clubs/Organizations
This is where I go club crazy. I'd be an active part of Mock Trial, Speech and Debate, Gay-Straight Alliance, Ruach Club, Christian Club, the "Save the Children" Club, Community Performing Group, Improv Club, Key Club, Safe Rides, Model UN, Class Council, Slam Poetry, and the book club. Every lunch would be spent at one of these clubs and I'd probably be an officer of one or more of them. I'd spend my free time at meetings for S & D, Mock Trial, or MUN, and I'd spend the rest of it brainstorming ideas for fundraisers or attending fundraisers. I'd put a lot of time and effort into the intellectual clubs like Speech and Debate, Mock Trial, and MUN. I'd be a very active member of GSA and Key Club. I'd enjoy the variety of the clubs and the diversity of people in each of them. I'd get into college for community service hours and a diversity of extracurriculars, but probably get into an average-ranked college. I'd have learned a lot about different things, though, and contribute to charitable organizations.

5. The Spiritual/Church Life
For this I'd join many committees for the church, be the President of the youth group. I'd actively help organize church services and spend a lot of time at Bible Study classes. I'd put a lot of effort into singing with the church choir and probably join Starfire. I'd fight for changes that I'd like to make in the church services and make my voice heard. I'd probably reinstate the whole acolyte thing and organize the youth to read the Opening Prayer every sunday. I'd also try to make a Youth Sunday (similar to the laity sunday) where the youth get to plan and run the church services. I'd make our youth group more active and make sure that we do more things for the community.

6. The Social Life
This is where my academics kind of go down the drain but I have a TON of fun! I'd spend like every waking moment with friends and go out every weekend. I'd spend a lot of time shopping and put a lot of effort into my appearance. I'd pribably ask a ton of guys out just for the social expreience of getting to know a lot of different people. I'd invite people over a lot and use the telephone more than a normal person would. I'd hardly ever spend time alone. I'd also be an incredibly caring friend and do a lot to make sure that the people I loved were happy. I'd do special things for people's birthdays and celebrate with them any little achievement. I'd also make sure to help any of my friends who were unhappy and do little things to cheer them up.




If only there was some way to combine ALL of that into once person! If I could do it all, you'd bet I'd do it. I'd also try out for Dance Team (which I might do just for the fun of it anyway) and do a few sports (swimming, gymnastics, soccer, maybe field hockey) for fun. I wish I could!!

Well, that was fun. Now I have to go study for an Algebra II test (I've gotta get all of the extra credit possible or my grade will go down becuase it's still like 102.something%) and 2 French essays. Ugh. OH, and a Chem quiz on Friday. And I have to catch up on MEHAP and finish All Quiet on the Western Front. Fun stuff! Later!

4 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 29 October :: 9.04 pm

OBOE!!!
It's really quite dissapointing to think about the millions of people who haven't experienced the joy of playing an instrument. Ah well, sucks for them!

Since I joined Symphonic Band at the quarter, I've been playing a semi-crappy (okay, REALLY crappy) student model that I loaned from a friend. (I shouldn't be complaining, because if it weren't for her I wouldn't have had anything to play for the past 2 weeks.) But anyway, I also bought a reed from West Valley at the last second to tide me over.

Bad. Baaaad.

I was freaking out that my embouchure had been completely lost and that I was an oboe FAILURE, until just now.

MY MOM RENTED ME A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL RENOIR-FOX INTERMEDIATE OBOE, AND I LOVE IT! The sound is AMAZING. She also bought me 3 reeds and a tuner. YAY FOR ALBION BLACK REEDS!! OHHH I LOVE THEM!!

Quite a change from the brand-less, crappy West Valley thing I was trying to play on.

Next time Mr. Ferrucci gestures me to play the oboe solo, (as I'm the only oboe in Symphonic band...:-P) he'd better watch out--I'LL ACTUALLY PLAY IT WELL!

Happy happy! And I think I did okay on the chem test! WHOO!!

I'd better get some hw done before Fresh Choice with the sax's/trumpets. I doubt there'll be more than like 8 ppl there. Kinda sad, but why do intersectional bonding THIS weekend? Everyone's busy up the wazoo!

sing to me

:: 2004 27 October :: 3.32 pm
:: Mood: pensive

Wow, I have A LOT to update on!
I'll probably forget a few major things in this entry. Oh well. If there's anything obvious left out, comment and I'll add it.

Homecoming Week:
Extremely stressful. I came home from school on Monday, layed down on my bed, and cried. It was rather pathetic, but it was all I could do. I was just that depressed and stressed. (Gotta love how those two adjectives rhyme!) Was like crying at my voice lesson (much to the confusion of my voice teacher) and pretty much had a shitty day. And yes, I DID fail the Chem test. (But yeah, so did a lot of other people, so I don't feel like such an idiot.) The week in general was just excrutiatingly slow. It seemed like every day stretched on and on and every evening took forever to be over. By Friday, though, things were better and I enjoyed missing WLH and Chem for marching band...: )

Homecoming Game/Dance:
We had the longest, most serious marching band rehearsal EVER on Saturday before the game. I was so fried mentally from the week that I just totally lost it in rehearsal. We did music for like an hour and a half (standing...in the cold...with annoying, nitpicky musicians correcting like EVERY LITTLE PHRASE!!) By the time we started marching, half of us were ready to kill some of the staff coughgabicough and the other half were just like freezing and unhappy. Well, that's the sense that I got, at least. We started cleaning everything in drill so then we got yelled at for our music 'dropping in intensity.' Yeah whatever. These music people are hired becuase of their MUSICAL TALENT, not marching. I don't even think they KNOW how hard it is to march well AND play such nitpicky crap in our music. Whatever. My best moment was during a run-thru of Stained Glass where I just totally had a brain fart and marched like random places (no joke) at the very end. I'm like the front of the line (Howdy should be, but he's out of commission cuz of mono) and MY ENTIRE LINE FOLLOWED ME!! It was hilarious! We end and I look back and Vanity's looking at me like 'what the hell?!' and Lane just starts cracking up. It was so great. I felt like such an idiot. : P I did the same thing for like 2 measures in NCD, but luckily* (edited because of Molly's brilliance) I found my place really quickly. Lord, that's so scary. Like suddenly you don't know where the hell to go and NOTHING looks familiar. It's so freaky! I was sincerely afraid that I'd have a brain fart during the halftime show.

Went to In & Out (thank God!) for lunch. It was so great to get out of there.

Was extremely tired during the football game. Didn't do much. Hey, at least we won. It wasn't a great game, but whatever. Everyone like LEFT (including HC Court, HOW RUDE!!) and didn't watch our post game show. I didn't screw that up either! Yay!

Then I like came home and practically fell asleep. But then...

off to Mer's! Whoo! It was so much fun getting ready with all the girls! SOOO much better than going out to dinner with ppl and their dates. We had a blast!

Homecoming dance was so-so. Good, but not great, yknow? I won't go into all of the details, but a lot of time was wasted standing in line for pictures (those people are sooo annoying! first telling us to come back at 9:30 for a group photo, then 10:00...) and such. Some people were like really not into dancing either. I feel like whenever I go to a dance I have to like FORCE people to dance. Is it not called a 'DANCE' for a reason? YOU GO TO ONE TO DANCE, OKAY? I think it's lame to sit outside and talk when you bought a bid to a HOMECOMING DANCE. It's not a homecoming-sit-around-and-talk-in-a-dress. Gahh! All in all, it was okay, and I'm glad I didn't have a date. Maybe for Winter Formal...who knows.

Sermon:
We had to sing in church too, which was UGLY (as it always is.) The youth stuff for the children's sermon (yay Andrew!) and the Gospel (yay Annie, Kyle, Courtney, Ruthie, and Andrew!) went really well. I mustered up some enthusiasm for the sermon and apparently it came off REALLY REALLY well! Sooo many people complimented us on the message we put forth and how well we presented it. So many touching stories from people! Maggie (associate pastor) sent us a nice e-mail and so did Bob (ex-pastor). We also got a card from someone and another person called us. I'm really, REALLY happy it went over so well! I had no idea it was going to be that sucessful! Very happy about it! *Molly and Nicole surprised me by showing up to watch me!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! That was so awesome of you!! <3

Pit/Clarinet/Sax Party and Flocking:
Had a good time with the pit/clarinets/sax's. We watched Office Space, but I had to leave early...hehehe. I was called at the last second to flock Jeff's house (where the dinner thing was being held) so I had to leave to come back and flock. Pretty darn awesome. So it's me, Marissa, Alan, and Gabi. Awesome group to flock with in the first place. So we're bringing out the sign, and Scott (Jeff's brother, who was at the house for some reason) totally walks out and catches us. He reads the sign and is like, "So, what does it mean to be flocked by the lahs marching band, anyway?" LOL!! We told him not to tell anyone and go back inside. So then I'm like RIGHT in the front of the yard, sticking a flamingo into the ground, and JEFF DRIVES UP!! He gets out, looks at me (i'm like cracking up) and walks into the house. He then comes back out to say 'Hi' to all of us. LOL!! 2 PEOPLE CAUGHT US!! It was pretty darn great.

Recent Events:
1) I'm really sorry that this one thing had to happen. It actually makes me kinda sad even though I have nothing to do with it and am involved in no way. *sigh*

2) I definitely need to explore this further, but I REALLY want to figure out if he's really just using me. I trust him, my mom trusts him, but I could really see it if all he wanted to do was take advantage of me. It just doesn't seem like he'd be that kind of person, but that's what a lot of my friends think, and I'm starting to be convinced myself. On the one hand, yeah, it's kinda pathetic. Why would he even talk to me? But on the other hand, it's been like over a year, probably a year and a half, and he STILL talks to me. If he just wanted to take advantage of me, wouldn't he have just given up by now, seeing as it's obviously not gonna happen? I really don't know. I'm going to continue to talk to people about it.

3) My mom got in touch with my ex-oboe teacher and now I'm going to get to rent an oboe from Forrests!! WHOOO!! It's going to be either a Yamaha or a Fox, intermediate make, full conservatory system. : D Yess!! I don't think I deserve this for the amount of money it's going to cost to rent one of these, but oh well. The oboe I'm playing on now is kind of crap. I also get reeds! And a tuner (cuz I wanted one...)! I'm going to get the new/nice used oboe for my birthday, becuase renting one is for a min. of 3 months. Happy! I'll start oboe lessons again with Pam after New Year's.

Quarter Grades:
I'm not really sure why I'm posting these, but other people do, so whatever.

0 Girls 21: A- Student is Improving
0 PE Band Soph: A Cit: O W/H:* O Student doing excellent work
1 Alg II: A+ (let's hope so...)
2 European History AP: A (how the HELL did I get an A?! it's gotta be like from the essay alone because my work is crap in that class and i know like NOTHING)
3 Chorale: A- Student is improving
PE 1Q: A Cit: O Student doing excellent work
5 French III: B+ (not sure how I eeked that one out!)
6 World Lit H: A- student doing excellent work (umm, I had an A on the print out she gave us...where did the - come from?)
7 Chemistry B Cit: O (I hate this class! Gahhh!! I'd better figure out how to raise it this quarter...)
8 Concert Choir A-

Total GPA (non-weighted) 3.78
Total GPA (weighted, counting the AP as a 5 and the extracurriculars) 3.89

*What the hell does W/H stand for? "O" for citizenship means 'outstanding'-- is W/H different?

Not too bad. I'm gonna try super hard to raise the Chem grade to an A-. I'm not even going to try for an A- in French. It's just not gonna happen. Youatt's not gonna change anytime soon. I'm hoping the MEHAP grade stays the same at the semester...I really didn't deserve an A when he gave random people like Bs and B+s.

Well, I THINK that's all for now. <3!

10 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 25 October :: 10.41 pm
:: Mood: drained

Ummm...so my profile says that this is updated. See, I planned to update, but then I got sidetracked.

And I have a bitchload of chem to do. This is not good.

Hope you enjoyed the update! Later! : P

sing to me

:: 2004 18 October :: 3.51 pm
:: Mood: crushed

How many tears is it going to take before I realize that I need to change my life?

I finally broke down today and cried. I still have at least 20 minutues of good hard sobbing to do before the stressed/unhappy chemicals leak their way out of my system. At least I know what the problem is.

I'm trying to do too much and I expect myself to do exceptionally in everything. Why? Now that's a tough question to answer.

Mrs. Passallo informed me today that I'm going to have to drop SOMETHING in order to make time for my academics. It's okay now, but it'll have to change.

Unless I want to go to NYU or something.

Hrm. Do I?

And then sometimes I just sit and think, this is absurd. I'm 15 and I'm supposed to be making choices about my life and my career? I'm supposed to be managing my time in a way that most supports my future? I have an entire decade until I've completed A QUARTER of my life. What kind of society do we live in where we have to make choices like this NOW?!

16 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 16 October :: 8.47 pm

Okay, new goal: study harder and do better in school.

As much as I thought I valued my social life over anything high school has to teach me in the way of academic substance, I miss being somewhat of a teacher's pet. In elementary school and junior high, it was a known fact that many of my teachers liked me. That wasn't the case last year as much. I want to change that.

And I'm going to start now by studying my brains out. Toodles!

2 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 14 October :: 8.26 pm

Yeah Okay, This Is Kinda Lame...
I'm not fishing for comments, really...

I've been stressed out of my mind recently. It seems like the more I think about life as a whole, the more it freaks me out, and when I'm thinking about life and not schoolwork, EVERYTHING freaks me out.

*panic attack/stress mode*

I'm better now, though. Awesome marching band rehearsal this afternoon. WE HAVE NOW LEARNED OUR ENTIRE SHOW!! WHOO!! I love you, marching band!

Totally met a cool person in Concert Choir today. I've actually been relatively good! I haven't thought about him toooo much! :0D (I guess only a select few will understand that, but whatever. The 'he' is no one from LAHS or anything, so chill out if need be.)

I love people. Yay for people!

Alright, now for the lame part...

What Would You do if...
--I cried:
--I said I liked you:
--I kissed you:
--I was hospitalized:
--I got dumped:
--I pissed you off:
--I was in a wreck:

What Do You Think Of My...
--Personality:
--Eyes:
--Face:
--Hair:
--Decisions:

Would You...
--Be my friend:
--Tell me the truth no matter what:
--Lie to make me feel better:
--Keep a secret if I told you one:
--Hold my hand:
--Love me:
--Date me:


--Who are you, what's our relationship:
--How and where did we meet:
--What's my middle name:
--How long have you known me:
--Tell me one good thing about myself:
--When you first saw me what was your impression:
--Tell me one bad thing about myelf:
--Have you ever had a crush on me:
--Describe me in 3 words:
--Do you think I'm good looking:
--How would you describe me to someone:
--Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
--What do you like most about me:
--What reminds you of me? :

--What song (if any) reminds you of me? :
--If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? :
--Do I cross your mind at least once a day?:

7 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 11 October :: 7.19 pm

Homecoming?
I don't know. I'm 100% single and 2/3 open for a Homecoming date. Gabi and I are still gonna dance the night away, but the situation has changed slightly. Homecoming? Date? Stag?

We'll see.

sing to me

:: 2004 10 October :: 5.22 pm

A Rant is Needed
So I'm working on my stupid fucking Chem homework that's going to take me forfuckingever because I'm going to need to teach it all to myself AS WELL as catch up on like all of last week's homework, (which I decided not to do because I didn't have to) when the phone rings. After the third ring, very annoyed, I pick up the phone. It's this weird lady from church who proceeds to tell me all about why she's calling (because my mom's a lay leader and she was just wondering if the lay leaders have talked about the morality concerning stem cell research and she thought it might be nice to get a group together to discuss the morality behind it so that the voting churchmembers can have a clearer understanding of the moral issues concerning the topic *on and on and on and on*) before I hand the phone to my mom who walks out of her room, hair all messed up, who's obvoiusly been asleep.

My mom is fucking TAKING A NAP while I'm making like 100 flashcards for fucking chem which I'LL NEVER USE IN MY FUCKING LIFE EVER and won't even answer the fucking phone.

AND SHE GOT ALL ON MY CASE THIS MORNING BECAUSE I DIDN'T MANAGE MY TIME WELL ENOUGH THIS MORNING TO GET ENOUGH HOMEWORK DONE AND I SHOULD GO TO CHOIR AND YOUTH GROUP TONIGHT.

So she can fucking take a nap and do jack shit all day while I'm irresponsible for trying to juggle 8 classes a day along with marching band, horseback riding, voice lessons, and church shit? Mmm k.

Not sure why every little thing is changing my mood so drastically, but I think I just need a huge fucking rest from everything until I can calm down to the point where I think I can handle it.

7 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 10 October :: 3.12 pm

Just a short update...
La Traviata was AWESOME! I'm sure I would have gotten a ton more out of it if I was fully awake the entire time, but it was an awesome experience overall. The lead soprano was SOOOOO GORGEOUS (her voice, not in physicality *is that even a word?*) and there was a super duper powerful baritone/bass and a lovely tenor. Well, I guess that's just how operas are, huh. Lol. Good singers, leads for different voice ranges. Duhr. Annnyway, I lost myself for about 30 minutes just thinking about what it would be like to conduct an opera and got sidetracked thinking about how the heck the soprano was so good. (Like how she uses her air, keeps her tone forward and consistent etc.) The plot was pretty lame, but I guess that's how it goes with operas. The orchestra was sweeeet and there was a BEAUTIFUL clarinet solo. One of those oh-my-God-savor-the-moment kind of things.

Modesto competition was tons of fun! I really tapped into some marching band enthusiasm by the end of the rehearsal in the morning which was very satisfying. It was a little hard watching certain people in the bus and I thought about what I had last year, but I'm really glad that I've found I can have just as much fun without that kind of component. I personally thought we performed like CRAP compared to what we've done in rehearsal, and I wasn't impressed with my performance AT ALL, but oh well. So much of marching band is sitting in the stands and cheering your brains out for waffles, male color guards, and school spirit.

*sigh* I love marching band sooo much!!

Totally screwed up this morning, though. At about 12:45am this morning, I told my mom that there was no way I could go to church, horseback riding, choir, AND youth group today and still get my hw done. She said I could skip church. Ummm...major crapola right here. I was supposed to do that thing with the bell choir this morning and 'round up some other ppl' to do it with me. Can you say 'shit' and 'Deb's gonna kill me'? Yeah, after being yelled at by my mom in a sleepy stupor on the way to horseback riding, I was suitably stressed and unhappy. It didn't help that I didn't wake up until about 10:30 so I didn't get a whole lot of hw done before my lesson. Too much going on!!

I don't think anything else major has happened. Maybe I'll update later. For now I have to shower and start studying chem crap! Great fun...except not at all.

sing to me

:: 2004 8 October :: 7.23 pm

What You Think of Me
It's so interesting to think about the difference between your own perception of yourself and what other people see you as being.

I guess I should explain the context that lead me into this train of thought. (Funny...I only realized that I tend to blurt out seemingly random things without any context backing them because my mom told me that I did.) Anyway, I was thinking about this week in general and the random things that I've learned. There seemed to be a commonality between discussion in Chorale, World Lit, and with friends. I've been learning about myself through the perceptions of others. In Chorale, as we were discussing how to go about becoming a better singer, Mr. Shaull indirectly described me as someone without a 'can-do' attitude, in the sense that I doubt myself instead of trying and improving. We read an article in WLH about the nature of evil and what it takes to be cruel enough to rape and/or kill people. One of the personality traits was narcissism. I've been called narcissistic and pretentious many a time. Molly told me that I was the kind of person who focused on the bad instead of letting it go and moving on, as well as the kind of person who learns of all of the gossip before she does. People at church often refer to me as someone who only talks about boys and is often having blonde moments.


It's all so strange to think about. In some cases, there are moments when I can definitely relate to the above statements. I KNOW I've appeared narcissistic at times. I KNOW I often doubt my ability and reserve myself to keep from giving it my best shot and still failing. More often, though, am I surprised by these pronouncements.

It's definitely a shock to be categorized as something you never thought you were.

***

I surprised myself by branching out and talking to new people today. For some reason I felt really bad because Anna never really talks to anyone in French. I'm her partener, but I always talk to Sarah, Sara, or Rachel when we have time to mingle. She never really talks to anyone in Chem either, and I felt kinda bad for her. I realize that maybe she prefers being alone and observing rather than being a part of random discussion in class, but nevertheless I've made an effort to talk to her in French just so that she has someone. I saw her standing alone and waiting for her ride today, so I went over and talked to her. It was so strange. She's really nice, but I hardly know her so it was kind of awkward. The conversation was almost as forced as those stupid scenarios in French class. It got easier as we kept talking (well, it was mostly me talking...) but it was still kind of strange. I wonder if she'll go home and be surprised and maybe flattered that I'd come over and started up a conversation or just annoyed. I honestly don't know her well enough to know what she'd think about it.

***

I've gotta say that I LOVE all of the drama concerning Homecoming!! Maybe this'll come off as really insensitive, but even though people are being rejected and all, at least there's something to talk about that gets everyone excited. Well, maybe it's just me who goes crazy over everyone's stories about how they were asked and all, but I JUST LOVE IT! Even though I'm kind of out of the loop myself and pretty much just trying to stay on top of everyone else's Homecoming date situations, it's all so much fun.

Oh, and there's something I've learned from this year's Homecoming that might surprise you: I'm not desperate. I WON'T just ask some random guy in order to 'at least have a date.' I really won't go with a guy who I hardly know, even if I think he's a nice guy or hot or whatever. People have suggested that I ask 3 different guys, and though I don't have any problems with their personalities, I won't ask them. I DO have standards. Really. (And these standards aren't based apon grade level, social status, or physical appearance, either!)

***

It's a really cool idea to think that life has some sort of predestination involved. It is possible to combine the ideas of free will and destiny and say that though we appear to have free will, in actuality, our life is governed by "choices" which have already been decided in order to lead you to a certain life. Pretty crazy thought...

***

I think I've been journal-ed out for a bit. Opera tonight! Whoo!

Oh, and if you'd like to further enlighten me about myself, (since I really do value the comments) feel free to do so in a reply. Just, ya know, how you see me as a person in general. I can't promise that I'll be okay with it if you say something bad about me, since I'll surely dwell on it, but in the near future, I'll definitely use the feedback in order to try to change.

14 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 5 October :: 9.13 pm

Oh, Life is Random...It's Very Interesting...lalalala
Chem test was good. Not hard AT ALL. *hoping this saves my quarter grade...*

Still unsure about how MEHAP will turn out...dunno about WLH and French III either.

So I hear Mr. Shaull was talking about me in Girls Ensemble. Cool... He's been calling on the rest of the class, so everything's peachy with him at the moment. I don't mind being picked on SOMETIMES.

Still pretty angry about the narrative paper, but I'll get over it.

Dunno what to do about Homecoming. As of today I have a few scenarios, though. Gabi is my back-up date if not my actual one. Ideally, we'd both have dates that knew each other and all hang out together... that's unlikely to work out, though. Learned lotsa things about Homecoming and couples today...gotta love the social drama that surrounds Homecoming...:0D

So Brian came to pick me up after MB today, and I was like 'where's mom?' He tells me that she had a little accident and hurt her leg. So of course I'm like OMG she's in the hospital and she's gonna get a cast and she broke her leg and she's gonna be in a wheelchair OMG etc. Apparently she was running up some concrete stairs on the way to some church meeting that was at 7am this morning (crazy church committees...) and fell like RIGHT on her kneecap. She can hardly walk on it and it's swollen and cut and gross but nevertheless SHE WENT TO WORK and then came home. I can't believe her! Poor Mom!

OH! Another funny thing. Apparently parents have to deicde on a family who would care for their child in the unlikely event that they would both die. The top 2 choices are the Allens (lol nicole! i'd live with thomas' family!) or the Haymans. HAHAAHAAAA!! I said I'd rather live with the Haymans becuase I know the parents better and I'd be able to stay within the area. FUNNY STUFF!! I had no idea this kind of thing existed! Ya learn something new every day...

Well I have a GINORMOUS MEHAP in-class essay test tomorrow which I am NOT going to be prepared for, so I'd better try to change that. I've already wasted like an hour by IMing ppl and talking on the phone. I'm so dilligent. (sp?) LOL!

San Francisco Opera (La Traviata) Friday night and Modesto Competition Saturday. EXCITEMENT!

4 songs | sing to me

:: 2004 1 October :: 5.21 pm
:: Mood: cold

Today was crazy.
Mr. Shaull is going to put me in therapy. Really. I think that Molly counts has half-therapy because her dad's a psychologist and she's good at being calming and reassuring. So really, after a few weeks, I'M ALREADY HALFWAY THERE.

So what does Mr. Shaull do that threatens my psychological health? He's not mean to me. He doesn't constantly pick on my voice. He doesn't get mad at me for my behavior in class. He always calls on me. There must be at least 25 people in the class, but he must call on me like 50% of the time. I'm not exaggerating. It's totally random stuff too!

A few examples:

*Melissa, tell us a little about John Rutter.
*How has (soandso's) voice changed? How does it sound now? What do YOU hear? (this has happened at least 3 times, and he directs the questions to me and me ALONE.)
*Melissa, pick 2 rhythms from columns 1 and 2 and say them for the class.
*Okay Melissa, I'll say 2 measures, you'll say 2, and the class will figure out which ones they are.
*...and Melissa is coming up to the front of the class and saying the Italian for you to repeat.
*...and Melissa's coming up to the board and writing us a melody with rhythm.
*...and Melissa's going to write a melody for us. It cannot start on 1, must be in a different key than we are in now, must end on one, and be centered around 5.
*Melissa, you're a talented sightreader, talk us through what you think when you see a piece of music for the first time.

...AND THOSE ARE ONLY THE MAJOR ONES THAT STICK OUT IN MY MIND!! HE DIRECTS COUNTLESS OTHER QUESTIONS TO ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I honestly can't understand why. For the dictation crap especially. You'd think he'd realize it, but I'm not very good at composing quick melodies and general theory. I'm just not. Simple as that. And how should I know better than other people what improvements I hear in someone's voice? EVERYONE ELSE HAS EARS! It's not like I've had more musical training than anyone else.

Maybe it's just cause my hormones are all crazy right now, but IT REALLY GOT TO ME TODAY. I was near tears at the end of Chorale today and dreaded Concert Choir. I understand that it should be flattering and all, but HE NEEDS TO LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'M JUST GOING TO BREAK DOWN ONE OF THESE DAYS.

Maybe If I was in Girls' Ensemble and none of the freshman knew anything... but i'm not. There are so many other people who have more experience than I do! Maybe if I had the voice to go with what I know... but I don't. I'm NOT better. I DON'T deserve to be singled out.






In other news:

The hot guy in my PE class doesn't have the attitude or personality to go along with his extreme sexiness. It's kind of dissapointing, but whatever. He's still eye candy and he's still on my team...

There's only like 2 weeks left in the quarter and I'm worried about Chem, MEHAP, and French III... (not that those will necessarily be B's, but they could be.)

Marching band performs at MVHS at 4:00 tomorrow! :0D If you're free and want to come, that'd be cool! I'm pretty sure it's free, so just show up!

K, I think that's all for now. I'll go try to de-stressify myself now.

12 songs | sing to me