I have to.
I have to write right now, i have no idea what about or anything, i just need to.

i can't control my thoughts, i've been trying so hard to be strong, to do what needs to be done to get along with my friends, not to annoy anyone, to do whats right- for me and others.

i'm not ready. i'm not ready for any of it- i'm not ready to be on my own.

i can't believe that im never going to see her, ever again, she'll never see my driving licence, my a levvel results, my 1st g/b- friend.

i don't want to be on my own- i dont want to be responsible, i dont wt everything to change. everything has changed. andi'll never come home to see her or to speak to her, to have her say "have you had a good day?" and for me to reply "it's school" and us both rolling our eyes and laughing.

great, im crying again- my eyes appear to have been leaking for the last hour and a half. it just hit me that i am never going to see her or my pappa again. it's been over a month and it only just hit me. i was hysterical at my mums funeral yeah but that was just because the vicar kept going on and on about my dad as well- it just broke me. my dads funeral ws just a blur- i blocked emotion out. i think i may visit his grave tomorrow.

i miss him too- it wa harder for him to sink in as i didnt see him every day but now im never going to have his silly jokes or hear him laughing at them himself. or see him yelling and jumping in the air rather like a babboon as the rugby was on. i know neither of them were perfect- but heir good points are really sticking right now.

i wish i could get the pain out. i keep having scary and horrid, realistic dreams of them. i hope they stop soon.

i miss them.

so much.

This song, although meant to be about a lover really reminds me of my mum:

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Can I?