a bit of everything.
well hi to everyone. i havent updated in a very long time it seems. i always think up really long entries of stuff going on in my life on the walk to school because thats when i do all my thinking, but like everything else that i think about then i seem to just forget it almost the instant i reach s'wold high street and sit on the cold bench waiting for the bus. i was remembering the other day and i thought about how in year 8 i was so obsessed with dirty dancing. i was determined that i would dance like that- the idea is laughable now but i really thought i could. i used to watch the film everyday and the feelings of hope that it used to invoke were increadable. i really was kinda obsessed. well thats a pretty random thought but i suddenly just remembered it again. like i said i do all of my thinking on the journey to and from school. with my music on full blast. i love it- the aloneness. just me, the music, my thoughts (not always a good thing ill admit) and the rhythm of my steps. and the views. its always just before dawn at this time of year and its a ritual for me to stop on the bridge and look out to the distance (you can see in the sun rays peeking over the edge) and every day i still love what i see. its home to me. i have taken to always stopping at a certain point on the bridge because the maintainance men measured along the bridge and theres a little "45" marked on a girder. ive kind of adopted that number as my own now. i was feelng so hopeful a few days ago and my mind was haywire but now im really feeling kind of drained so my fantasies have been limited. when i say fanasies i dont mean perversions i mean the little dreams i have. it amazes me how i can possibly make a whole flipping journal entry out of such a boring thing!
theres this boy thats a friend of a friend. ive never met him but he seems like a really nice guy and hes asked me to the cinema! so nice huh? me and sarah were fudging around in the fudge cuboard (theres a sign on it saying dont fudge around in the cuboard- hense the name) in the artroom trying to see how many people we could fit in there and basically a few of us were staying in there giggling and this little boy (year below me) presses up behind me and puts a hand n my waist and he's got a flipping hard on! can you bloody believe!!! i was so shocked! i left the fudge cuboard promptly afterwards. randy little bugger.
its weird, ive never had this problem before. i used to have loads of crushes on so many different people- usually with a at least two at the same time, and now i cant even comprehend liking someone else. its frustrating coz you know- it used to be my therory that if i had a back up then it would hurt less if i was turned down by the first. well- one- i never dared tell anyone let alone be turned down and- two- it probably wouldnt have hurt so much if i was able to like a back up at the same time would it? oh lord how my mind wanders! so it feels like im now permanently stuck with my crush in my head and even thinking of liking someone else feels like a betrayal which is the most stupid thing i have ever heard. of course it isnt- is it?? ahhh!!! im being so stupid.
dont wanna go home- dear pappa is there and if he hasnt got mum to drink by now hell probably still be ranting about how hes going to die or a similar load of bollocks. he bought me glow in the dark pens for christmas which i have already written on my wall with. and a bracelet thats too small.
well id better go anyway as i think my sisters having a row downstairs. dont wanna intrude.

Can I?