<p><p align=center>Hell</p>

:: 2011 27 June :: 1.44pm

I feel like there can be no winner in this situation.
And I feel like that's whats expected.
And it's sad :(

:: 2011 26 June :: 1.48pm

Things are tough. And unpleasant. But I still have a few good things to hold onto.

Mark fucked up. Big time. And I'm pissed and hurt.
Alyson fucked up big time. Over and over again. And I'm pissed and emotionally exhausted.
Things with Sus are still rocky. Mostly because I fuck up. And it's really saddening.

But I made a few new friends. Liv and Heath. They are really rad. They spoil me. And whenever I go over there we just sit and watch stupid tv, smoking and drinking. No one cries. No one gets jealous. No one gets way too drunk and fucks up. It's just relaxed, some cuddling with Liv. Some girl on girl action. Stress relief. I feel a little guilty because I'm the only one in the house getting relief from stress. But I think I deserve it. Not more than anyone else, but I went looking and found it. I got lucky.

Also. I think I'm going to start doing my hair and makeup more often. I feel so much better about myself when I do. And I need all the good feelings I can get.

:: 2011 25 June :: 4.28pm

I am so confused.. :(

:: 2011 25 June :: 2.20pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Bon Iver

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know.

:: 2011 24 June :: 2.55am

I love the foo fighters.

:: 2011 23 June :: 8.24pm

Why can't that be me?

:: 2011 23 June :: 11.21am

I want to salvage my day without taking pills. So I need to start thinking positive and focus on the good things in my life rather than this issue that won't go away over night and is completely ruining what's left of our relationship.

So.. I have an adorable puppy who loves me and misses me when I'm gone.
I have new amazing friends who spoil me like I deserve to be spoiled.
I have a wonderful job that's easy and has good pay and benefits.
I'm smart, skilled and live in a country where I can be myself.

Idk if it's helping yet. But here's to healing!

:: 2011 22 June :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: awake

Those who really love, love in silence.

1 Disobeyed | - No -

:: 2011 21 June :: 6.25pm

Day 4 w/o meds. I can't even tell the difference.

I feel like it's a little too soon to say I'm cured, but I feel so good that I want to say it :)

:: 2011 20 June :: 10.57pm

Had my first sober girl experience the other night............ AND LOVED THE HELL OUTTA IT!!

Tbh I was worried I was of those obnoxious drunk lesbos but I'm totally a sober lesbo haha go me!

:: 2011 17 June :: 5.08pm

Gr. >:(

:: 2011 16 June :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Sondre Lerche

[Dan In Real Life]
"Because when you're out there and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again and that you could just split into a million pieces and just sink down all the way down into the deep... it's the light that keeps us on course; it's the light."

:: 2011 15 June :: 1.09pm

:( I honestly think this has been the shittiest week ever.

:: 2011 14 June :: 6.28pm

I'm tired of being #5.

Can someone please stop my life? I want to get off please.

:: 2011 13 June :: 12.35pm

What do you do when nothing feels right and you don't get a moment's reprieve?

What happens when everything you thought you knew turns out wrong and you fall?

Is there really any life to be had here?

What is it that I'm fighting for?

I feel like there is so little meaning left in my life that is not really worth it to move forward. What do I get out of living? A hollowness? An empty vacant space where a heart used to be? My dreams all crushed and forgotten. My hopes trampled down. I've forgotten what it feels like to have something worth working towards. I feel as though I'll never see beauty in the world. I'll never look at spring the same way. I'll never be happy again.

:: 2011 13 June :: 2.09am

I dont know how I should feel. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm lost.

Things are hard. And impossible.

:: 2011 11 June :: 9.33pm

"motorboating over the phone just isn't the same."

:: 2011 11 June :: 3.57pm

I'm a little disappointed.

Ok maybe a lot.

I just want it to work out. But I know I'm the thing preventing it.

I'm a terrible waste. Such a shame.

:: 2011 8 June :: 1.10pm

Bjorne is losing his baby teeth! We've caught 2! So cute!!

:: 2011 7 June :: 1.51pm

I'm so fucking sick of being so dispensable. I'm so fuckin sick of being an average sack of shit. I'm sick of being worthless and meaningless to everyone in my life. I want to run away but can't because people are dependent on my money. Not me. My money.

I'm fat, ugly, too tall. I'm perfectly disgusting, repulsive. I'm a putrid waste of space. Of air. Of food. And what's better I'm a walking misery machine, making everyone I come in contact with more miserable then they ever have been.

And no one cares.

:: 2011 6 June :: 7.13pm
:: Music: Foo Fighters - my hero

I just put lyrics to a song on FB and then it came on Pandora! I love this song

:: 2011 5 June :: 9.44pm

I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.

:: 2011 5 June :: 2.50pm

I'm ready!

Start: 244

End: 160

Time frame: 1 year.

April next year I will be a bombshell.

:: 2011 2 June :: 2.46pm

I feel very unwanted. I feel very disgusting.

I feel like I have no real friends. I feel alone in the cold, world so cold.

I just want to feel happy. Beautiful. Important. Needed. And I don't get that from anyone or anything.

I'm in a dark place. And there is no help for me.

:: 2011 31 May :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative

"I found myself thinking about you tonight on a walk under some makeshift constellations struggling through the light pollution of the city, fleeting thoughts coming and going like New England snowfalls. I want to bear my soul to you in the way that symphonies are written, so that at its completion, my story will have completely enveloped you like B minor at the predawn of a snow-covered day, and you'll realize that there is nothing more painfully right than the overlap of the lines on our palms and all the countless intersections of your eyes and mine."

:: 2011 31 May :: 12.43pm
:: Mood: anxious

Let's try again...
I'm seriously considering going back to UW and staying in the dorms again. I am getting really excited just thinking about it. I really want to focus on my education and if my dad agrees to the arrangement we had before then I'll be set.

Yes, it would be living in the stupid dorms again, yes I may get stuck with a horrible room mate again. But I think I've grown a lot in the last few years and I think this time I can really do it. I want to succeed in life, I want to get my degree and move forward and be everything I know I can be but was too stupid to care about last time around.

I know it'll probably be a big landmark in my relationship, but honestly, this is REALLY important to me and if Sus doesn't want to support me then we need to reassess our relationship. Though I don't see him not supporting me, I can see an agruement about not living in the same place anymore. But I think we'll work something out. I know we can do it.

But it all hinges on what my dad says. I can't really do it if he doesn't agree to help. I'll have to wait until I qualify for financial aid, and I know that's at least another year away UGH

I'm really excited and nervous and this is exactly what I needed. I need a goal that's obtainable and important. I'm finally where I need to be to be driven to do something.

I will succeed. I will overcome. I will be the successful one in the family.

:: 2011 30 May :: 7.44pm

I'd give up forever to touch you.

:: 2011 29 May :: 10.57pm

It's sad. I look back on my teenage years with such nostalgia for something wonderful lost. And yet they were probably the worst years. But compared to now life was good.

Life had meaning. Feelings felt like something worthwhile.

:: 2011 28 May :: 3.12pm

I'm so fucking done with my life.

[ e d i t ]

I know I'm probabaly over reactiv but honestly it's just a constant shit storm over here. First it's my tire, then its all my tires. Now I don't have enough for electric. We have to eat shitty bad for you food because I dont make enough to afford better. I'm gaining weight like a motherfucker and I can't do anything about it because I'm so fucking tired all the time. Work is so stressful and hard to deal with, I was late to work today because the approve OT w/o so much as a call and I didn't think to call them. I feel like I'm a failure. No one to admire. I work hard, I have nothing to show for it and then this stupid bullshit happens.

I just want to go to school and that's it. Or I want a job that isn't so stressful and tedious. I'm so tired of living in this town where no one accepts me. They are all so shallow and backwards here. No one gives a shit. No one anywhere gives a shit. I have no fucking clue why I moved here. I knew it was a lie, it was too good to be true. And now we're stuck here.

I think I have manic depression. And I think it's getting worse everyday. Happy pills don't help anymore. Nothing helps. I don't even feel happy when I'm messed up. I feel like I'm going to turn into a junkie in the street or something trying to find anything that will make me happy.

I'm so fucking tired of being broken.

:: 2011 27 May :: 4.15pm

I am so.. so.. SO tired. I just want to crawl in a hole n die.