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:: 2015 8 August :: 1.03pm

it's such a beautiful day out. I've gotten a few things accomplished.

and as the dye soaks into my damaged hair I wonder if once it's done I'll feel it's childish and feel ashamed.

I hate getting older. this world is so oppressive.

will I let the rebel in me die?

:: 2015 6 August :: 7.52pm

sometimes, it feel better to just give in.

I want to let the dark consume me. I want to cry.

I want to feel my soul crush under the weight of desolate isolation.

it was so comforting. I miss that.

:: 2015 5 August :: 10.14am

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to run away

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

:: 2015 4 August :: 9.53am

I love collecting secrets. it's one of those little joys in life.

:: 2015 3 August :: 8.15pm

achievement unlocked: obtain a bachelor's degree.

D
1 perfect
57 great
I can't stop crying buckets of tears

:: 2015 3 August :: 4.48pm

I have never felt smaller than when I stood on the glacier

and pretty words are just that - pretty words. they mean nothing with out action.

but truths, as everything else in life, are merely constructs from our perception. highly subjective and singular.

I can see lazy dragons hanging in the sky. lethargic leviathans drifting until they dissipate. tails drifting into the sunset...

someday I'll be the rain falling on a wedding.

someday I'll be the earth for new life to spring forth.

or maybe this is all a dream and we all awaken to a new world after it ends.

:: 2015 1 August :: 6.02pm

maybe it is true... once you go black you don't go back.

1 Disobeyed | - No -

:: 2015 1 August :: 12.12pm

I had a missed connection.. I hope he reads CL

Read more..

1 Disobeyed | - No -

:: 2015 1 August :: 6.30am

it is an ungodly hour to be awake on a Saturday.

I might die.. if I do.. please tell my dogs I don't love them anymore and I'm never coming back. that'll help them mourn.

:: 2015 29 July :: 9.15pm

I have a lot of love to give.

but no body wants to take it.

:: 2015 28 July :: 8.03am

I feel guilty for not trusting an old dirty rat.

:: 2015 27 July :: 9.48am

insomnia fucking blows

I'm so incredibly tired and stiff and creaky

I just wanna pass the fuck out and sleep forever

:: 2015 23 July :: 5.15pm
:: Mood: cute

Zoe told me she thinks it's cute how I talk about all the people I sleep with as if they were all my boyfriends. that they aren't just a means to an end. she likes how different I feel about them, like when I feel like I'm in love or just enjoy the motion of the ocean.

it made me feel good about myself

I'm convinced I'm bi polar. they've suspected it for a long time, but this past year has really made it clear. I'm not sure if it's just worse or if my depression has morphed, or maybe I'm just changing. I am coming out of my "manic" phase. I'm started to go into my depressive phase. I'm hoping that I can learn to curb my actions to fit with my cycles because I don't want any more pills.

the dentist said he wished he came across more teeth like mine. that made me feel good too.

things are changing. my future looks financially shitty. but right now, I feel like it's all going to be ok. it'll all work out, things will fall into place as long as I'm good and work hard.

I don't like adulting. but adulting must be done.

:: 2015 21 July :: 9.44pm

What's done to children, they will do to society.
- Karl A. Menninger

:: 2015 21 July :: 6.41am

I'm about to be buried for the rest of my life.

:: 2015 11 July :: 11.41am

my dream home will have a hidden fort in the shrubbery, that my daughter or son will find and have all sorts of adventures

:: 2015 11 July :: 7.42am
:: Music: elated

I'm only happy when it raaaaaaains

and it's raining right now!!!

:: 2015 10 July :: 6.29pm

I just want to say that weed makes life so wonderful. I wish it was this great for everyone.

I'm so thankful for my friends. they help me learn so much about myself and others. I can't imagine what my life would be like without them.

but I look at the pictures on my wall. and there's this stunning face that isn't in my life anymore... and it makes me sad inside.

I feel like these past few months have been the darkest since I left Sus.. and I just feel a little hollow space in my heart.

I have no fucking clue what to do with my life. and all of my friends are in the same boat. Aimee was induced today. I'm so excited to meet baby Payton, I hope I get to hold her. I want a baby so badly. I think people can see it in my eyes and it scares them. I probably look ravenous.

and then there's Walter. and I'm feeling kinda smitten. and I'm not sure what to do. I feel as though I'm perpetually in limbo. but it's also been a really nice ride.. he's going to come to a band practice and it makes my heart go pitterpat. I wonder what he looks like in real life? he always has white tube socks with black loafers, khaki pants or jeans that are high waters, and then a loose collared shirt or button up. he showed me some of his scars. and tells me about his family and past.. and he is so aligned with me in many metaphysical characteristics.. and he's my type: slender, shorter for a male, with green hazel eyes. and a great smile. and plays the bass. he has this adorable sideways chuckle he does and I just adore it.

ugh I sound like a school girl (god damn it feels good)

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

squee

:: 2015 7 July :: 9.31pm
:: Mood: pensive

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems

2 Disobeyed | - No -

:: 2015 6 July :: 1.29pm

so I know it's super far away but here are my Halloween costume ideas:

piggy stardust (pig version of ziggy stardust)
an elephant inside a boa constrictor
totoro (and Bjorne and rika can be susuwatari)

:: 2015 2 July :: 11.10pm

I can't help but still feel like a child. I know nothing.

the other side is that I know enough to be tired.

I keep waiting for a surprise, the toy at the bottom of the box. but maybe there is no toy.

a desire to be seen, but unable to even see myself.

friends help me to grow into who I am.

at the same time they can crush my spirits and make me question my perceptions of myself.

but maybe I am a pussy. I'm a chicken shit who is afraid to speak my mind lest I make a fool of myself.

because what does any of this matter? I'm too unsure of anything to really take a strong position in things. I don't want to tell people how to live their lives anymore.

i am deliriously tired.

:: 2015 30 June :: 6.08pm

I get laid and the dark clouds lifted...

1 Disobeyed | - No -

:: 2015 26 June :: 9.46am

I dreamt about being at samies cousins house, the meeting up with a man who was my uncle and we killed a bald eagle from the basement. then I was in this large entertainment hall? I'm not really sure what it was, but it was huge and busy. rika ran away and I went to find her and it took me to some slummy flats in some British neighborhood with a bunch of punks, then these drug enforcement officers came to save me, one was Tristan (a guy who shot me down like 3 years ago). he got shot in the head. I was reeeeally upset, I went to see if he was still alive and he was, with blood all over his face, his face was black, I could see the entry and exit wounds. but he didn't die. I stayed with him the whole time and he still didn't love me after. then all the punks turn into zombies and we had to mow them down with automatic weapons.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

:: 2015 25 June :: 10.02pm

what's so great about being in the "in" crowd if all they are are spiteful bitches?

when did being greatful for what you have become so "out"?

these people need a healthy dose of get the fuck over yourself and check into reality.

they make my skin crawl. I hope there aren't any more work parties that I feel obligated to attend.

why are people so shitty.. why are they so fake and two faced? they all say I'm "soooo sweet" but they won't even acknowledge I exist? fuck that.

I hate this world, and most of the people in it. I don't like where things are heading in several relationships, and the moments of truth are drawing close.

the future is murky, and I feel blind and defenseless moving forward.

I'm terrified and lonely. I wish I had someone. I'm so tired of feeling so alone.

:: 2015 23 June :: 9.55am

corpulent sub-human filth

:: 2015 22 June :: 9.29pm

I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt

I'm sorry for all the wrong choices I've made

all the chances I missed

all the beauty I've let go of, the dreams I left to die

I'm trying to make up for it, but for every inch I climb up, I slide another inch back down.

my past haunts me like a nightmare, my future hangs over me like an axe.

what does any of this mean? does any of it even matter?

it's just one sad joke with no punchline.

:: 2015 21 June :: 1.00pm

I do not own the choices of my friends.

:: 2015 20 June :: 1.04am

why would God make doing the right thing so hard? why wouldn't a kind and benevolent God making doing the right thing easy? he's more amazing than the devil, so why does the devil win so much?

it's like the war on drugs. fuck.

1 Disobeyed | - No -

:: 2015 19 June :: 2.04pm

"there are many ways for a black woman to be beautiful. for a while woman, you just have to be skinny."

this sums up my life. fat = ugly to far too many shallow fucks.

:: 2015 18 June :: 3.08pm

does a complete package exist?

or should I just pick the one who treats me nice and is a truly good person?

decisions decisions

1 Disobeyed | - No -

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