<p><p align=center>Hell</p>

:: 2020 19 October :: 10.00am

my life is a shitty mess

but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess

:(

:: 2020 9 October :: 10.34am

that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.

this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.

:: 2020 4 October :: 8.18am

i need you like water in my lungs

:: 2020 15 September :: 12.59pm

I hurt myself today

:: 2020 14 September :: 10.06am

that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.

:: 2020 29 August :: 10.21pm

someone actually paid me back today what the fuck

this is a strange feeling

:: 2020 21 August :: 7.59am

I very literally hate every day.

I hate my life.

I hate my choices in life.

I hate the future.

I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.

it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.

I'm so lonely.

:: 2020 11 August :: 5.54pm

quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.

I feel so isolated and lonely.

I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.

time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.

:: 2020 30 July :: 9.38am

who have I become?

I don't even recognize myself anymore

there's a stranger under my skin

:: 2020 25 July :: 12.38pm

trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point

I need a vacation

:: 2020 15 July :: 8.35am

I am really depressed, but a secret depressed that is hiding under a somewhat composed exterior.

I don't know the words to say, or not to say. I know massages and hugs are always comforting. but feeling this God damn helpless to bright his future horizon.

imagine your father dies. imagine he does because some asshole didn't think it was important to wear a mask in public because it's stepping on their "liberties". now imagine the last conversation with your dad was not a positive one, and there is literally no chance now for you to make things right.

now imagine this is the 3rd time it's happened since September.

what the fuck does your best friend/lover/fiance do to help? saying "it'll be okay" feels so cheap and hollow in this situation. "think of the good things" when they are being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by chains of guilt seems an impossible taste, as the darkness of the deep swallows slowly the sun light.

and I never got to give him a grandchild he'll see. I never really got to know him. and now that's a part of my life i have to miss. and our possible child will miss too.

my mind turns to my folks. what if they catch it? will I only have 5 days and no ability to see them or talk to them? will I have to make a life support decision?

my mom lost both her parents by my age. I literally can't even imagine how I would survive that. and now it's a reality for so many millennials. and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's lost family or friends to this stupid fucking virus, and these stupid fucking rude americans who all just live in their own hellish little bubble of self pity self loathing and inability to take responsibility for anything.

I can't help but agree with him though, like... in the face of all of this... what's the point? what is the fucking point of this absurd existence on an insignificant dot in the middle of no where in the vast infinity of the universe?

the only meaning life has, is the meaning you give it.

:: 2020 11 July :: 9.44am

and just like that he's gone.

3rd in 12 months. life is really fucking unfair.

:: 2020 7 July :: 10.30am

trying to remain calm
trying to have positive thoughts
but what if he dies?

:: 2020 4 July :: 8.25am

I keep wondering what's the point of moving forward.

I'm a miserable person doomed to feel this way for the rest of life.

I won't make a good mother, I'll teach my child how to be spineless, how to be a doormat, how to pathetically let people walk all over them.

I can't even carry a conversation. I can't make friends. I'm just boring, fat and hideous.

I don't want to buy a house anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to take care of anyone but myself. I just want to be alone and hide in my little hole.

I just want to be let go, so I can start my homesick fade to white.

:: 2020 27 June :: 11.01am

I'm not a rock

I'm crumbling sand stone

just garbage in the wind lacerating your lungs

shredding your heart

completely worthless

:: 2020 11 June :: 2.31pm

everybody's changing

and I don't feel right

:: 2020 10 June :: 7.45am
:: Mood: crushed

I'm a sad lonely girl

living in a cruel sick world

:: 2020 9 June :: 2.48pm

I am so fucking sick of people being assholes.

grow the fuck up.

:: 2020 31 May :: 9.44pm

I'm tired of everyone dying, why is life so sad?

drug addiction just decimated another bright young man.

just so some cartel can have another swimming pool or whatever else.

and now there's another hole in his heart and I hate that I can't fix it.

rip Ashton. you will be dearly missed, I know.

:: 2020 18 May :: 10.28am

can I just die now? thx

:: 2020 15 May :: 9.16am
:: Music: ember city by mastodon

I'm really missing you today corry. to think last year this time last year I was taking you to the hospital and you were in there so long... and I never visited you.

you must have felt so scared and alone. that probably pushed you away the most. like I only half cared about you.

I just miss you. why did you have to go. why aren't you here?

:: 2020 3 May :: 11.37am

I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling

I know I wish I could help, but I know that I can't

at least the view is beautiful

:: 2020 21 April :: 9.14pm

so sick of having a cycle. every month it's the same stupid feelings, same stupid insecurities.

just really homesick too. I'm lonely.

:: 2020 12 April :: 8.03am
:: Mood: utterly devastated

can it just be tomorrow?

I hate everything about today.

:: 2020 11 April :: 8.16am

it's called free fall
I'm the noose mistaken for a necklace.

:: 2020 31 March :: 3.25pm

I just wish I had someone to talk to, who said more than just "ok" or nothing. I have animals for that.

this is why I don't trust anyone, or open up, or share. because people always just are hard like rocks or prickly like porcupines when literally all I want is a hug and for someone to say "I know how you feel, and I hope it gets better for both of us" and maybe idk.. actually try to relate to me? rather than just making me feel like an idiot for even trying to share.

:: 2020 25 March :: 11.55am

happy birthday

:: 2020 23 March :: 3.38pm

I hate myself with every fiber of my being.

why are these decisions so hard?

:: 2020 13 March :: 12.43pm

I know my heart should guide me but,
There's a hole within my soul

What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?

:: 2020 13 March :: 8.41am

almost to our 4 year anniversary and finally starting to plan on moving in together

we both have a lot of trepidation as we are concerned our personalities might clash living together. we both enjoy our own time apart, but also enjoy each other's company.

I've been on edge lately. we went to Corry's grave last weekend and it filled me with sorrow, grief, regrets and introspection. I wish I had done more to help him, taken him to follow up appointments. he is buried next to his dad, who literally died the year before. so much heartbreak. I miss you.

and that just tore open the flood gates for all my other negative emotions. I just feel terrible about myself, and everything seems to freak me out. this move is scary because of my past with roommates. this move is scary cuz I still have a bit of debt and I'd like to not have that hanging over me. I'm nervous about living with a 19 year old.

but I'm excited to start my life with him, and excited for the future, and I want to stay that way. it's just hard to overcome my negative thoughts.

idk what to do. stay here longer? move out now? wait for the bubble to pop and buy a house and live there?

I wish I knew. I wish I had a sign.