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2006 26 January :: 6.56pm
Your ignorance cramps my conversation. ~Anthony Hope
"Ya, it's the goth kids"
"no,it's more of the emo kids that do it"
"ya, fucking always want attention"
What little arrogant bitches.
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2006 20 January :: 9.23am
Last day of the semester! I'm very excited.
No more AP Biology.
Now: Bioethics
An interesting switch.
I had a lesson with linda last night. It went better than I expected. I'm doing very well on my solo now, a lot better :).
I have an english test today. Five reading assignments in two days and then a test. Odd?
I just had some bacon and mushroom pizza and a cup of mountain dew listening to banter abroad. Pep band tonight, I'm not going home after school, but rather staying after with my flute ensemble to practice and going to subway and then coming back to school for pep band. It's going to be long day. But, that pizza WAS good.
michelle
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2006 12 January :: 7.57pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Syrinx by Debussy
I'm listening to syrinx by debussy, which is my solo for solo and ensemble. I think I've gotten myself in fairly deep this time, I have two weeks to learn it to a good level. That means listening to different recordings of it many times a day a practicing for god knows how long. That reminds me, I have to go to the KDL website and find the recordings of it.
Semester is almost done with. That's a good thing, I think. I'm looking forward to bioethics. Eventhough it's a college class, I'm fairly sure I'll enjoy it quite a bit more than AP bio. I'm still stuck with Dolbee for AP lit, but I guess I can suffer through for another semester.
My duet with Rob (and with Jenny's accompiment) is going along quite well for the challenging level of it. It's not too hard in sections, but all together it's quite imposing, at least for me. It has a ton of runs and whatnot.
Today was sunny and warm and I was pleased with it.
Perhaps later.
Michelle
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2005 12 December :: 3.38pm
I've been so tired lately. I've gotten an average of ten hours a sleep a night, and still it does not seem to be enough. I don't have time to sleep, I have too many things to do. Too much homework, working, blah I have to call them. Blah Blah.
I want to cry. My body hurts. All I want to do is sleep. I'm drinking a mountain dew in hopes of staying awake until five.
I have an essay to write. I hate fricken ap lit. what a bitch.
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2005 26 November :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: cold
So many things to do, so little time to squeeze them all in. Everything is crazy busy, and I need to get together with my english group. I have a feeling we're going to be half assing our way to a B.
I swear I can hear music comming from somewhere in this house, but everytime I walk around I can't find the source. Maybe I'm finally going crazy. Maybe my house is haunted. These things I do not know.
Whatever it is, it has a good beat.
I think I figured out the reason why I shake when I drink. See, I get cold really easy, and when you drink you're body thinks it feels hot, and your blood vessels open up to let off the heat, which isn't really there, so it cools you when you're not hot, making your normal body temperature go down instead of a hot temperature go to normal. Then I shake because I'm cold. Just shivering, that's all that it is.
This imaginary music is driving me fucking nuts.
I want to be done, I want to be out. I'm not quite sure what I want to be doing instead, but just not this. All this shit. I hate it. I don't want to be stuck anywhere, I want to do what I want. I guess that's what everyone wants, but, as in Ethan Frome, "only the smart ones get away."
I hope I'm one of the smart ones.
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2005 3 November :: 5.58pm
I've been accepted to CMU. They sent me a t-shirt today. It's a very bright white. I like its newness.
So much as been going on lately. I leave for school in the morning when it's dark out, and I get home when it's dark outside. It's almost as if there was never a day at all. But of course that would be false, because even if I don't see it, it's still there, right? I hope so.
All state band auditions are saturday. I'm not sure I'm as prepared as I should be. I've been practicing between three and five hours a day for a little over the past week. My tone is getting a lot better (recovering from the horridness of piccolo). I'm still nervous, though. I guess I've talked myself into believing that it doesn't matter if I get in or not, but it does. It's one of the only things that I'll be able to do. I can't go to CMU's workshop, I can't go to CMU's honors band, I can't go to EMU's honors band. This is about the last thing that I'll be able to do where I'll be challenged and not have to play horridly easy music with people who don't know how to play their fucking instrument.
But I rant.
My eighteenth birthday is a month from tomorrow. Work will be happy because then I can sell lottery and tobacco at the service desk. As much as I want to kill people who run that place, I still can't help but fantasize that someday I could get a degree in marketing or something and be a higher executive than all of them and fire them because they're stupid. I don't think that they realize that they expect too much out of people they only pay six dollars an hour to. I see so many people there that are intelligent and should be doing something, but no, they work for a measly six dollars an hour and will never do any better. The waste of potential disgusts me.
Whenever I am there I feel as though some goodness, some intelligent part of me is dying. Everytime someone yells at me because meijer screwed them over I feel like saying "You know what? They're screwing me over too. I get paid fucking six dollars and hour to stand here and take your shit for them, and guess what, they don't care, even if I do get a manager and they listen to you and assure you they'll 'look into it', nothing is going to happen. You standing here yelling at me is doing neither of us any good, and nothing is going to change because frankly all that corporate does care about are numbers, their profit, how many defective items they can pass off you to, how many times they can screw you over by not pricing things and you aren't a number, you're a real person, just like me, and therefore, they don't care. So fuck off."
End rant.
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2005 25 October :: 10.19pm
No more marching band. It can't be true! O the happiness.
Use another fucking pan. I can't fucking wash it out, remember, I'm the one who doesn't know how to do anything. I'm the one who has to be told to do something all the time because obviously I'm too helpless to think for myself. That's it.
Wash out your fucking coffee cups then. I might want to use them to make hot cocoa. HA fucking ha.
They have disappeared and it is so.
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2005 29 September :: 6.53pm
Getting all fired up for all that fun college stuff and deadlines and blah blah blah.
My three choices:
1. CMU
2. Grand Valley
3. Eastern Michigan
I know that I'm going to get into all of them, just which one will give me enough scholarships to go?
All in due time i suppose.
In the mean time, many things for english to do.
Fruit flies are breeding just fine. My F1 generation is taking over the vials!
They twitch when i nap them. It's scary. I put them on the t.v. screen. My fruit flies are famous now.
Indeed.
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2005 22 September :: 5.36pm
:: Mood: discontent
School is getting to me, i'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner. The only good thing coming up is homecomming. I like planning for that, it keeps me occupied.
We'll see..hmm...
:)
I love you Jessie!
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2005 8 September :: 8.59pm
I like having an hour of independent study. I like being able to play piano and flute and think about music for an hour every day except band. It's relaxing. Yes, i know....freakish. it happens
michelle
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2005 8 September :: 6.23pm
You think about what you DID too much.
And as a result you don't DO as much as you think you DID because you overanalyze and it seems bigger and more important that what you really DID.
So get out there and DO something instead of dwelling on what you DID.
It's called living.
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2005 5 September :: 10.50am
:: Mood: cold
Freshy year
Last first day of high school tomorrow. That's exciting.
Eh, I can still remember the first day of my freshman year clearly. I went up to my locker to put my backpack in it before first hour, and I couldn't get it open. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, so I went and got Ms. Scott, and she was like, "are you sure you know how to work a combination lock?"
That got me pissed. Yes, I was a freshman, not an inferior human being (although sometimes those ARE one in the same I realized later). So, she tried it and it didn't work. That was one of the best moments of high school right there, and it seemed to set the trend for the rest of high school, always having to prove myself, prove that I can do it. Well, it turned out that one of the numbers in my combination was 10 numbers off...so I got a note during first hour with the right one, and I haven't had any problems since, for three years.
Hmm. Just thought I would put that in here before alzheimers hits, I am almost 18 ya know.
michelle
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2005 29 August :: 3.03pm
Listening to Karl talk makes me want to shoot someone. He has the oddest way of talking and yelling at the same time.
My schedule is as follows:
1 Marching Band - Robuck
2 JA Economics - Busen
3 AP Statistics - Andrus
4 AP Literature - Dolbee
5 Independent Study - Robuck
6 AP Biology - Fornier
3 easy classes, 3 hard classes.
I don't have seminar period on my schedule...does that mean I don't have to go?......
michelle
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2005 21 August :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: calm
Every day that I get up and drive to work (which is almost every day now) I walk into the place and everything just melts together. Nothing really changes there, maybe subtly.
I always punch in on time, get my drawer, wait on people, punch for all my breaks, feel bad if I spend too much money on lunch, because I'm not making that much money in the first place, punch out, go home. Next day: repeat.
I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's an awful feeling.
I guess the only saving graces are the weird people that I laugh to myself about, like the lady with the mustache or the really big older guy that always hits on lisa.
The people who get really angry are a source of my laughter too; the people who get so angry about not being able to return their $2.00 light bulbs because they don't have their receipt and yell at the manager thinking it will make a difference. Those people are just pathetic. The funny part is that when they get so angry their blood pressure rises, and I bet in the future they'll end up having a heart attack because of stress like that and have a hospital bill over $4,000.
Rueben just left a while ago. I'm putting off going to bed; when he left there was a creepy little glow worm attatched to his pant leg, and we were cuddling in my bed. Even if it just randomly attatched itself to him when he came in, just the thought of it crawling around in my bed is reason enough for me not to sleep half the night. Ehh....creepy crawlies.
Tomorrow night is band, Tuesdays are lessons. Piano is comming along nicely. I can't do anything too complicated yet, but we'll see by the end of the year how good I can get.
It's nice and cold, perfect sleeping weather.
Good night (all).
michelle
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2005 14 August :: 9.51pm
It's starting to get cooler out. That's nice.
I lost touch for a while. That was nice too. Fall is approaching; that makes me relieved.
This moth flying around my screen on the other hand is making me annoyed.
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2005 11 August :: 7.24pm
:: Music: Come around again - Jet
Today I wasted seven and a half hours of my life. Yes, at meijer (where else). I trained for credit cards today and did that all day long. It entails walking up to people and saying, "Hi, would you be interested in saving ten percent on your purchases today by applying for a meijer credit card?"
I got 1 yes out of about 150 people.
Do you know how depressing that is?
And even after that one person applied I felt I had destroyed her life because just maybe she would end up going into debt with that meijer credit card. She would be five or six thousand dollars in debt because she has a compulsive personality and she would lose her house, her car, her kids, her husband, and maybe even her cute little dog. I really felt like a used car salesman, that's the best way I can describe it.
Anyway, I'm all done with band camp and working fourty hours a week at the courtesy desk at meijer. About all the time I have is used up working or being with Rueben or going to band, or getting ready for band.
I got the Rotary Life Leadership Scholarship, it's $1,000. That will help a little bit, probably enough for books for a couple of years. Oh well, the cost of everything is going up, I mean, gas at $2.59. I can remember my mom bitching because it was $1.11. I bet it'll be around $3.00 a gallon by Christmas, if not the start of school.
At least it's green outside and it smells like spring from all the rain. Rain makes me happy, well, melancholy at least, that's about the happiest I get. I mean, yeah, I can be bubbly and blonde sometimes, but I am rarely ever happy or in a good mood. Everything just runs a lot smoother when everyone thinks everything is going okay. Then they leave you alone. I've figured out that much.
School is starting soon. It's a year of lasts. I've already had my last band camp, which I am not sad about at all. Soon it will be the last first day of school, last play, last Christmas vacation, last sping break, last prom, and then finally graduation. I cannot wait until that day. It means that I am one step closer to being a principle flutist in a world class orchestra or symphony. Of course I would settle for the Boston Philharmonic ;).
-pleasure is only the relief from pain; as humans we are in a constant state of suffering unknown to those who do not know life-
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2005 12 July :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: chipper
ACT results are in.
I'm a little disappointed.
I got a 27.
My highest score was in science, it was 29/36.
It figures, the subject I hate the most is the one I score best in.
That's how it goes I guess.
I'm working a lot now. I never knew how bad people could be until now. God, what asses. All you can do is nod and smile. I didn't even take the weird guy screaming about the dollar on his gas can personally.
Even my manager looked shook up.
It actually made me happy. Is that odd?
Probably.
-michelle
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2005 2 July :: 11.28am
I'm back from LLC and Girl's State. Both were fun. I almost died at Girl's State, no air conditioning (anywhere). We were in the middle of Lansing and there were 90 girls crammed into a classroom at a time. With no fans. I think it was around 110 degrees.
I'm at the service desk now. I just checked my schedule, i have to work until ten monday (the fourth). That's dissapointing, but okay because fireworks aren't until 11pm and I still get to eat with my family at 1pm.
Ah, what fun working almost fourty hours a week!
Band camp is in a month.
michelle
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2005 13 June :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: busy
I'm leaving Wednesday morning for my leadership camp sponsered by the Rotary (the one where i could get a $1,000 scholarship) and then I'm getting back Saturday night only to leave again Sunday morning for Girl's State at MSU. I'll be gone to that one for a week. That one might give me the chance to go to Washington D.C.
I finished my cashier training and when I get back I'm moving up to the service desk. I've been doing almost nothing for a while. I have cd's to make and piccolos to deliver, yet I find myself sitting in my room that should be condemned because of disorder.
I took my ACT saturday morning at GRCC, in an unairconditioned room. It was absolutely horrid. Finally, though after the English portion we got moved to another room that was airconditioned. It felt like heaven. I swear that room got up to over ninety because it was smaller than a normal highschool classroom and had like thirty five people in it, and no fan, in Grand Rapids. Ah, well, so in another four to seven weeks I'll get those results back. I think I did between a twenty five and a thirty, but I wouldn't really know. I got my report card. I'm up to a 3.871. It's a little less than expected, but what do I expect after getting a C in Algebra II last year? I'm still waiting for my elusive AP chem test results.
Tomorrow I have a piano lesson with Jenny. I started playing Jingle Bells with both hands Saturday. It was very exciting, yet excruciating to listen to, I'm sure. I thought perhaps, that it would fool the weather, and it would go from ninety five to fourty or twenty. Eh, I should have wished on a wishing well, too. That would have sealed the deal.
I bought Koala Yummies for my camps. They're scrumptious.
Good night.
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2005 7 June :: 11.12am
:: Music: Marching Band Show
Yesterday was really fun. Rueben and I went to see Madagascar. The little lemur thing is so cute! It makes me want to have a little lemur baby.
CUBAN PETE!
(such a band dork)
Then we went to Old Country Buffet. They have really good macaroni and cheese. Then we randomly drove places and ended up at home depot looking at paint and concrete, then to J.W. Peppers where I got Syrinx by Debussy. Now there is a solo. Then we came back to my house and got some towels and my bathing suit and went to baptist lake and went swimming. Well, I really only actually swam for about five minutes....since it did take me about twenty to finally get up the courage to take the plunge. The water was cold; or maybe I'm just a chicken.
In any case, I got Jessie her birthday present. We went to Hobby Lobby before the movie (because we went to Star). It's very cool. Of course I can't disclose what it is. It's classified information and if you knew I'd have to kill you, of course.
A few other things went quite well yesterday too.
Today I'm off to Jenny's for a piano lesson and then I'm training five to nine for a cashier. I'm moving up to the service desk, even though I'm not eighteen. The S.C.'s are throwing a fit about it, but it was the managers who are doing it, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. I'm not eighteen so I can't sell tobacco and lottery, which is about seventy five percent of the business up there, but as long as I have someone else up there with me who is over eighteen everything will be just fine.
Anyway, it'll all work out in the end, now won't it?
ACT is Saturday. I'm hoping for at least a thirty. I should be getting my AP chem test results anytime and my report card also. That reminds me, I should go check the mail.
-michelle-
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2005 3 June :: 1.02pm
This summer is going to be unpredictable. We're already on a track that no one thought they would be on.
I love you Jessie, and I know you can get through this, however it's gonna happen. I've known you forever and I know you're strong to enough to do whatever is meant for you.
It feels like it's going to rain, but I can't tell. The forecast says no, but I have this inckling that what others feel is certain is going to change dramatically.
Sometimes even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
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2005 27 May :: 10.29am
I hate you, you're such a fucking bitch.
Leave me alone.
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2005 21 May :: 11.13am
I have work in a few hours.
I spent the night up at the lake. It's so odd how everyone has changed, yet it seems like it was just yesterday we were playing flashlight tag in the pine woods.......
Work tomorrow, then concert an hour after that.
Hmm.
We are in the midsts of summer. Green is wonderful. I hate sunburns.
Happy Saturday.
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2005 13 May :: 6.21pm
:: Mood: awake
I just don't know quite what to say. I'm afraid that humanity has sunk to a new low.
"He didn't know what he was doing! How could he have known it was dangerous?"
Well then I suppose that is proof of Americans not instilling the importance of education in their children. He's not stupid. We all know that, but what he did was stupid. Because of ignorance, a lack of education, which was readily available, yet overlooked, he inconvienced thousands of people. Hundreds of people are mad. They have the right to be. They want to place the blame on him. It is his fault, yes, and I'm not even defending him to the least bit because I think he knew, to some degree, what he was doing.
But at some point you have to ask yourself, why didn't he know it was dangerous? Who's to blame for that?
Another quite heated situation at school, election. I believe I voted for the right people. They will do what needs to be done. If you didn't win, then you didn't do your job good enough to be reelected. If they fail, so be it, it's only high school. It's not like they can take us to war with another country, or have the power to kill thousands of people.
They have control over our senior year, yes. But guess what, it's only a year, actually less. I bet you won't even remember what the theme to homecomming was in fourty years.
It's very green outside today. I like it.
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2005 8 May :: 8.30pm
I don't know what's going on tomorrow. The ap test is tuesday morning. I have this feeling inside my stomach that is telling me I'm going to fail. Hmm.
My parents are watching a show about cows. Seriously. It's about cows.
My cousins are really stupid. I think I lose brain cells everytime I'm around them.
I'm sad and tired. And I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow about cooking and whatnot.
I don't understand why some people bother talking to me when I'm blatantly ignoring them. It really confuses me. They keep on talking. Shut the fuck up, enough is enough.
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2005 1 May :: 6.49pm
This is the hardest part. Resistance.
It's going to be one hell of a week. Fine Arts Night, Flute choir concert, studying for the AP chem test, Rueben's birthday, dinner.....blah blah blah.
It all just has to happen in one week, doesn't it?
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2005 21 April :: 6.51pm
:: Mood: sad
It's going to be cold out again. Gas went up.
If I know I was born to perform on stage, then why does it scare me so much to know that I want to do that for the rest of my life?
Maybe because it's not a stable job like being a teacher or an accountant or a dietician.
Maybe it's because I want it so bad that if I fail I'm not going to know what else to do.
Maybe it's because I love it so much.
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2005 20 April :: 5.26pm
I wore my brand new woohu.com t-shirt today.
It made me feel special.
Spahgetti for supper tonight. Summer is filling in with things by the week. I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed. I remember all those summer vacations where I sat and did nothing every single day. I didn't go anywhere for days at a time. Those were my most precious days. Those were the days when I knew things, characters in books don't betray. The lilac bush outside my window is budding. In a few weeks it will be bursting with purple and white. And then in a week it will be over.
The flower only gets a while to shine, while the bush lives the year 'round. It seems like that sometimes. We have only a few select times in our lives in which we can impose our beauty on the world. Are you a lilac or a venus fly trap?
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2005 14 April :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Everything is upon me. Or so it seems. Do you ever have those days where your head is just buzzing with things that you think you have to do, or just actionless emotions, and then you realize that it all means nothing? Everything is going to be just fine. You aren't being overstretched or spread too thin as the jumble of things in your head might want you to think. Like a well organized space. Things take up a lot of room when they are unorganized and you don't know what to do with them, but if you just sit down and figure out where everything goes, in the closet, on the shelf, next to the window, on the bookcase, and you know that it's where it belongs and you can easily find it again, then they take up a lot less room and you have more area to move around.
I've taken to observing people a lot lately. How they walk, talk, gesture. It's all very interesting. I realized that I do it a lot when I become withdrawn. It doesn't make me as happy, but I learn a lot. Just slow down and not talk, pretend that I'm not there, and just watch what happens without interacting. Many things are apparent when you only sit and watch. Today I watched a group of three people. All three are "involved" with another person. Two are guys, one is a girl. She controls them like nothing could ever control a man. She touches them and looks at them with large eyes when they are jokingly rough with her. She knows it's just play, but likes the attention. She gets hugs and lots of physical touch between both the guys. The two guys are friends, although from very different social cliques. They bonded in the way men do best, through competition. You can easily tell the younger is the submissive one because he always walks just a little behind the older, although he is in better physical condition. Both practically beg for her attention, although I'm sure not intentional, but the practices are reminiscent of some long burried mating interaction they do not recognize, but still put to action by their instincts.
Are you scared yet? I'm sure most of you know these three people. Have you ever looked at people in this way? Not as your friend, enemy, or associate, but as a human. Humans are quite odd creatures.
I've also observed that the overweight female, as long as she carries herself with convidence and a friendly nature, along with good grooming habits is far more accepted by her peers than a female with a perfect figure and ugly diposition.
It's all in the way you carry yourself.
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2005 13 April :: 12.20pm
Rueben
Hey, if you get out of class and want to come to the auction at grand valley tonight.....go to grandvalley's campus (take 131 to Pearl, get in either one of the two center lanes, go past GVSU to fulton, turn left onto fulton and park in the parking lot just before the river)
to the L.V eberhard center walk past the back of the bulding, past the other parking lot, go in glass doors and follow signs
you don't have to come, but if you get this i'll be there til almost 11pm
We can give you a ride home if you want to come and volunteer....free chinese food!
And for anyone else, those are the directions.....if you want to volunteer you have to be there by five pm....you'll get free food and be on tv (if you want) for a little bit...Plus it counts as community service hours.
The people are really nice...and it runs through saturday.
michelle
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