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2004 3 May :: 7.10pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Hoobastank-The reason
I'm finally done with it!
I know you still look,
At me like you did then,
And it's so confusing.
That's what kept me going
Back and forth
Back and forth
And driving me to the
Point of insanity,
Until the cup spilled,
And it all came rushing out.
And now I find,
That I have the strength,
Not to participate,
Any longer.
And that is a relief,
I haven't known for a long while.
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2004 2 May :: 6.47pm
I feel like shit. This is just SO much fun. UUUUGGHH...mommy, i don't wannna be sickkkkkkk........
Just drug me up and send me off. I'll be okay.
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2004 30 April :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: contemplative
This is my 368th journal entry. Go me.
Why does a person even get up in the morning? You have breakfast, you floss your teeth so you'll have healthy gums in your old age, and then you get in your car and drive down I-10 and die. Life is so stupid I can't stand it. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
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2004 30 April :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Where are you now-michelle branch
Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness. ~André Gide, L'immoraliste
People are so frustrating. I don't know why they do what they do. I'm not sure I want to know, because then I would know the truth. I don't think I want to know that. Remember, you are only as sick as your secrets.
Have fun with those, kids.
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2004 26 April :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: content
This is what I'm thinking:
1. Segement Two is done Wednesday
2. I'm not going to take the MEAPS this year
3. I've run out of interesting things to talk about
4. That means that this entry is over
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2004 24 April :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: blink 182- I miss you
My very unimportant life
Yesterday was a long long day. I went to school and was throughly confused like every other day. Our substitute for Chem failed to show up, so we had free reign of the classroom for all of second hour. In third hour (drama) we had that super fun lady, mrs. kaiser. what a bitch. I think you've all had her at one time or another, she's the one that wears the air purifier around her neck, and screams at anyone that accidentally puts on lotion. I couldn't help it if turtle and i had dry hands.
Fourth hour, had a quiz. Nothing new. I'm going to go and finish that novel tomorrow. Huckleberry Finn. Not a hard read at all, and I like it because it's fast paced and is so literal. Lunch, food. I'm weaning myself off of caffiene. It's not working too well.
Fifth hour, Civics, with Ahmed. It was time for my lovely debate, and I do believe that my statistics about the bodies found in the WTC rubble really did help my arguement. Over 19,000 separate body parts were found. There were only 259 bodies intact. Almost 3,000 people died. I wouldn't have wanted to clean that up at all. Oh, and my subject was about secrect evidence via the Patriot Act signed into law on October 26, 2001 by Bush. Really, not much to argue for, I certainly don't believe it helps anything, but that just makes it all the better that I'm winning on absolutely nothing but my debating skills.
I took my quiz in sixth hour (algebra II) and I got an eighty. I forgot what the mantissa and characteristic were. Actually, i switched them around. I should have double checked in the book, but i didn't. oh well. I still have to do that whole chapter of homework before the test. The test is Monday.
Jessie rode the bus home with me. I enjoyed that. Carl tied his shoe to the air vent in the top of the bus, and left it there. He also put pieces of yellow duct tape on the ceiling, almost like streamers. It actually looked pretty cool.
We had to be to school again around four, so we got chinese and ate it in the band hallway. Yes, my friends, that's why it smelled so bad.
The bus ride to Coopersville is scenic. Cows and fields and more cows and barns.
Wind Ensemble got straight two's. We deserved it. Our performance was no where it could have been, but we performed as we did in class. Our band could be so damn good if a few people just practiced a little more, but you can't force people to do something that they don't want to do. I got really stressed out about a few things that shall remain unknown at the moment while we were there. Being around certain people for too long is like slowly poisening yourself. I ended up balling my eyes out for about an hour. I talked to Alice about a few things and it really helped to know that I wasn't alone for what I felt and what I thought.
On the bus ride home i sat across from the lesbians known as becky and jessie. No, i'm just kidding, but i think they should stay away from caffiene and sugar, though. We can blame it on the cupcakes. I sat with Zac and we talked about a lot of things on the ride home. I haven't talked to him like that since Florida, and it was really nice. The only bad part about the whole bus ride home was the really annoying red flashing light in the front of the bus from the camera. At least I'm short enough to duck below the seat so I couldn't see it. It was giving me a headache. I just devoted two sentences to a flashing red light. That's pretty sad.
Anyway, so I got home and completely crashed. Well, I read my tarot cards first. And then I went to sleep. It helped me understand everything a lot better.
This morning I got up at seven and went to flute choir. Our snare drummer for our march came today and it helped that song so much. I play bass flute on it, and it was awesome because everyone finally stayed together. On our mass number, Ode to Joy, i stood next to this one girl. She played really really loud. And she couldn't count. I didn't say anything to her because i didn't want to be mean, but I won't be by her next weekend. By the way, our concert is next Saturday night (In grand rapids), see me or the poster on the bandroom door if you're interested.
So then I went up to the lake and worked for a few hours. We went out for supper to the Coral Bar. That was fun. The band that was playing there really sucked though, and they were way too loud. Although, I wasn't too worried, because they're a bar band. That's just what bar bands do.
I got back to the lake, and I had already decided that I wasn't going to stay the night for certain reasons, so I came home. Sam and Alaina and various cousins of mine were there. They're probably all watching some movies right now. Oh well. You do what you gotta do.
Congrats if you made it through my enormously long entry. If you didn't, I don't care. It's just my life. I'm not sure it even interests me sometimes.
michelle.
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2004 24 April :: 8.17pm
I decide to stay home tonight and not be with all of them. It would have been fun. So I get here, and no one is on.
Wait, Jacqui is on.
This is good.
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2004 21 April :: 4.31pm
I hate it when the truth is, well, true.
School didn't go too bad today. We've been playing in the auditorium for band because of the damn noise in/around/by the bandroom. Chemistry, of course, a third of the class was missing because of senior interviews. We worked on those stupid grams to moles acid/base reactions crap. Make up quiz tomorrow. I got a 60% on the first one.
Drama, let's not get into that. Monologues due tomorrow..
American Lit- Uhh. I hate that class with a passion. She makes us write these questions out, like..What does Doctor Robinson symbolize? We have to write the answer in a minumum of one paragragh, using two direct quotes, and explain how the relavance of the question relates to the message.
And then she throws them away.
Lunch, always a fun time.
Civics is a joke.
Algebra II, I finally did the work today, becaue I understood what he taught, and I did it right. Go me.
Bus ride home. I'll be so happy when I have my license.
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2004 19 April :: 6.58pm
:: Mood: confused
There is no one to trust anymore,
You've all become corrupt,
I see your hypocritical words,
Chained together in sentences,
You don't know what you want.
You don't know what you need.
I thought you would be there,
To catch me when I fell,
But I shouldn't have expected it,
You've never done it before,
But you weren't there.
You stepped back,
Watched it happen,
And you said you felt so bad,
But you'll do nothing,
And say nothing,
And just keep on doing it,
And that's the part that's sad.
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2004 15 April :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: chipper
(from Tabletop's Journal)
I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions. Anything you want. Then go to your journal and copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything
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2004 15 April :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: content
All the boys that I am friends with are so fucking retarded. What is it? Let's be fucking Retarded week or something?
I stayed after school today to copy the music for next marching season so i could take it home and obessively play it. You know I did.
Congrats to the following people who made Field Commander:
1. Roman
2. Shae
3. Dani
Everyone who tried out was good, but they all had their negative points, too.
Congrats to the section leaders, also (note-that would be me, also).
Also, in further band news, I challenged Dani and won by three fucking points out of over 500. It's always so close between us.
After I did that stuff for band, Lisa and I played tennis for a while until we left because the boy's team had a match. We went to my house and ate pudding at the picnic table. It was an adventure.
-michelle-
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2004 14 April :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and the window was open. I felt the warm evening breeze and I wondered, did I really want to miss this?
The answer is no. I was in too deep to see what I would be missing. I'm glad I didn't.
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2004 11 April :: 5.24pm
:: Mood: drained
Easter
Church, crying babies, bad breath (not me), chanting catholics that sound like the KKK, tall ladies sitting in front of me so when i kneel (and she didn't) i got a face full of her bun that added an extra 10 inches to her, my grandmother who is very catty about the organist (and the choir, and the violinist, and the reader..), retarded cousins who have fat boyfriends and brag about them, sugar, Easter cards, the good silverware, cousins being retarded some more, my catty aunt, food, ham, more of the retarded cousins, more sugar, looking at my grandfather's old pictures, cousins being even more retarded, even more sugar in the form of jelly beans this time, and then the cousins, yet again, were retarded. And hyperactive due to the pounds of sugar they ingested.
Heh. At least I don't have to deal with them now.
It's enough to make me want to shoot myself sometimes.
Happy Easter Everyone
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2004 10 April :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: bouncy
For what it's worth, it's worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.
Really, I do.
-michelle-
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2004 9 April :: 7.35pm
I think..............i need to go lay down
Today was odd. To say the least. Today was my last day of sleeping in. Tomorrow i have to go work at the lake, and Sunday I get to go to church. I think it's to make up for avoiding it all year. Yup, probably. I'm not the world's most religious person. I think organized religion is just a breeding ground for corruption, mass control, dicatorship, and a little pinch of tyranny. Not that it's a bad thing.........sure. Right.
Anyway, I got some tarot cards yesterday. They're fun. When we get back to school, I'll bring them, so anyone that want's a reading, feel free. It's fun, and they have gorgeous pictures on them.
I don't like MSN messenger right now. It told me to be able to sign in I had to download a new version. It's been fifteen minutes, and i'm not even half way done.
I think everything is just going past me today. I can't concentrate on anything. Is there such a thing as a case of 24 hour ADD?
hmm...
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2004 8 April :: 6.40pm
I went shopping today with my mother and grandma. Oh boy. It was fun. And we went to the empire buffet for lunch. Good stuff.
We also went to a book store. My mom and i looked at sex books together. Well, they called it the "gender studies" section. Sure. It's gender studies when you have books titled "Bondage: A complete Explainatory Guide with Photographs", "Seductresses throughout History: 7 famous seductresses", oh, and of course my FAVORITE "A Women's Guide: The Joys of Anal Sex".
We didn't look at those.....
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2004 6 April :: 8.19pm
Me and lovely anne dear having a discussion
my favorite mistake says:
are they like, compulsive morons?
There wouldn't be a sky full of stars if we were all meant to wish on the same one says:
umm, no, americans
my favorite mistake says:
heh, same difference
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2004 1 April :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: content
Well, yesterday i finally got everything cleared up with me and zac. We're friends now. Which is good. At least i KNOW now.
The talent show was a tad boring today. The best part was at the end when FUZZY LOGIC played 'sweet home alabama'. Jacqui, Katie, and myself danced at the top of the bleachers until 2:06. It was quite enjoyable.
FYI: I'll be getting a picture of that damn pelican soon.
That makes me happy.
-michelle-
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2004 29 March :: 6.48pm
:: Music: Blowin' in the wind- Peter, Paul, and Mary
The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind
How long can I live like this? I'm not sure. I've been fighting for so long, and it's moments like this that I just want to give up. Pack everything up. Cut my losses. Go home.
If there is a place like that. I don't think I've ever been in a place that's felt like home. Not even my house. My house is strange. I feel like a stranger in it sometimes. I'm just drifting in and out, not really doing anything. My room seems strange sometimes. Like it's not really mine, like I don't sleep there every single night, and wake up there every single morning. Sometimes it just feels like I don't belong anywhere. I'm just drifting from place to place with nothing tangible to hang onto. It's frightening, sometimes, to not belong. To be feel like you're a stranger, even to your own thoughts. I just get tired of it sometimes. Tired of not really knowing anyone, except for maybe Jessie. I was so close today, but I didn't. I don't know why. I think I'm living on broken promises and borrowed time. It seems like it, at least.
-michelle-
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2004 27 March :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: dirty
I went to SOLO ENSEMBLE TODAY
-michelle went to state solo ensemble today-
michelle got a division I.
hehe. i'm happy now.
dani and fred got twos, but they are also in a harder proficiency than me. i didn't get to watch them either.
the judge was sorta mean, but oh well. i got a one. that's all that matters.
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2004 26 March :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: confused
I have a lot going on right now. I've been on the edge all week. It's hell.
I have solo ensemble tomorrow. State. I'm scared to death. I don't mind the sight reading part, or the scales, I just hate my solo. I hate it a lot. I think the only reason I hate it is because it's my solo. Probably. Oh well.
I guess he doesn't like me now. I can live with that. It'll take a while, but I'll deal. I always do........
About that whole "other" thing. Yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about. I don't even have to say it. As far as I'm concerned, everyone will eventually move on. And we all learned a few things. It will take time before things are back to anywhere near where they were. I think you need to know that, instead of just pretending that everything's ok. It's not. At least not between the four of us.
Jessies coming with me tomorrow. That makes me extremely happy. She'll keep me from having a nervous break down, which I am on the brink of. Lucky me.
-michelle-
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2004 21 March :: 9.06pm
What makes you laugh?: | When someone says/ does something funny, or when I think of my past (mostly middle school) | Who is your hero?: | Me | Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?: | I...wouldn't. I like to have free movement of all of my limbs at times of my choosing. | How many pairs of shoes do you own?: | 8 | Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?: | The dryer monster a.k.a under my bed | Who do you blame for your mood today?: | My parents. They have serious mental retardation issues. | If the Internet were sex... I would: | Lick it, a lot. And do it over, and over, and over and over and over..you get the point. | Have you ever seen a dead body?: | Yes. A few. | What is something scientists need to invent?: | A cure for AIDS | What should we do with stupid people?: | Shoot them in the head. Over and over. Many times. | Have you ever broken a bone?: | No | Do you watch local news? Why?: | Yes, because they're stupid, and I laugh at the "diversity" reports because they are so hypocritical | What happens after you die?: | You're buried. Or they burn you. Or you're left to decompose in a spot of your choice. | How big is your bed? Big enough?: | No, not big enough. I have a twin. It's small. Any boyfriend of mine will have to have AT LEAST a double. :) | How long do you think you will live?: | Until I die. |
Random Thought Provokers brought to you by BZOINK!
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2004 21 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: annoyed
I know you're out there somewhere. And I'm here. Typing this, waiting for you.
How pathetic am I?
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2004 19 March :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: calm
I was thinking about it last night. About Florida. About everything that has happened since then. When all of us got on that bus, we didn't know what would happen. We all had our expectations, our goals, of course, but what ended up happening was absolutely nothing of what we could expect. And how irevricably that has changed us, i can't even imagine. We are not the same people. Although we all came back, and for the past month we've been doing what we've always done. Wake up early, classes, jobs, friends, activities. But Florida gave us all a chance to be with people who we normally wouldn't have. To really got to know a lot about each other.
We did things that we loved, we did things that others don't even know about, and better yet, we learned what our actions can do, without anyone to tell us otherwise. Whether it was a good thing, or a bad thing (and i'm not just talking about my personal experience here, either) we still got to do it on our own. Our own choices. I think that's what has made the greatest difference.
But, now that we are back here, it's all gone away, almost as if everything that has happened cannot be spoken of, or acknowledged. We were different people, then, not influenced by the factors that are here. No matter how shallow that sounds, it's true.
I saw the truest nature of people when we were in Florida. It made me form new opinions and ideas. I loved it. But now we are back, and we are doing what we always do. My point? Don't get stuck in the everyday routine. You are a product of your environment. Perhaps, you don't even know who you are, only because you've been in one environment for so long. Change things up a little. Talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to. Enjoy it. Enjoy people. They are your future, they are your life. They are your influence, they are the people that will one day make the food you eat, the chairs you sit in, and the toliet paper you'll wipe your ass with.
Only the shallowness and unwillinglyness of humanity to change will be it's ugliness and sole downfall. Don't let it happen to you.
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2004 16 March :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: confused
Sometimes I wonder what your intentions are,
I just want to ask you, "What the hell were you thinking?"
Because then I would know for sure,
And I wouldn't have to keep guessing.
If you came out and told me the story,
I wouldn't have to fill in the parts,
And make metaphors and big words,
To fill inbetween the lines.
So why don't I just ask you,
Exactly what you want,
Because I'm afraid if I ask you,
You'll be just as undecided as me.
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2004 15 March :: 5.44pm
EVERYONE,
I don't know if you all know, but Gunny was really really close to shutting down woohu. I don't blame him. Thank goodness he has decided otherwise, but now i want all your wonderful people's help. I would really like to have some people make donations. I don't care if you want to give me a bag of pop bottles, I'll take care of it for you, and send him the money. Tonight I'm cleaning out my room for all the spare change and everything, so don't think I'm not doing anything. Anyway, I know how all you people love your journals SO much. So, please, even if it's only a dollar, it would really help. Thank you all so much!
--michelle--
p.s. If you want to send him some money, the address for his P.O. box is on his contact page. Thank you!
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2004 14 March :: 11.50am
The play is over with. I miss everyone already. We have strike today at two. It should be fun.
On another note, I've been waiting to say this, hoping it wasn't true, but i realized that night that it was...
You really need to get your head out of your fucking ass. You didn't realize how much I put myself out there for you, and now, there is nothing. But you don't even realize it, because you're too fucking afraid. I guess it never meant anything at all, none of it. I guess it's just wasted time now. All of it.
And you, you have no RIGHT to treat her like you do. You don't realize what she's like. You need to die. Right now, because after what you did, that's all you deserve. Go fuck yourself, in the ass preferrably.
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2004 13 March :: 3.44pm
Yesterday was one of those days. You know you'll never have a day close to it whatsoever. It was tiring, but it was fun. It made me see a few people in a whole different way.
I love acting. I really do. I love being on stage, and the energy from the crowd...you have no idea.
It's like paradise.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~Bill Vaughn
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2004 10 March :: 12.24pm
I know I can do so much better than this, but really, what's the point of life if you can't be superficial SOMETIMES?..........
Yeah, so today was a half day of school.
Woohu.
I got six hours of sleep last night.
We had dress rehearsal for THE JUNGLE BOOK
(showing thursday, friday, and saturday 7:30pm in the high school auditorium, tickets are $7 and can be bought at the door, there, i did my shameless self promotion).
I was in full costume/make up, well, everyone was, but that's not the point...
So, i'm a wolf, and i can garuntee you my hair color isn't normally found in nature (I'm just a genetic mishap....), so we had to "dust" my hair with hair color.
It was suppose to wash out.
It took me an hour to wash it out last night.
I shampooed at least 5 times.
It was hell. And you can still sorta see where it's dark, that's why i wore my hair down today.
Sacrifices, Sacrifices.
Wind ensemble and Concert band is going to STATE festival. Woohu.
I love the music that we got...it's so great.
Anyway, i have another 5 hours before i have to go back to school, for another dress rehearsal, but this time, we get to have old people from METRON as our audience.....
I hope none of them have heart attacks during our play...and if you come to see THE JUNGLE BOOK, you'll see why i say that :).
Until then,
good bye.
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2004 8 March :: 6.51pm
:: Mood: cold
My bad day, that didn't seem that bad until i thought of all the things that happened, and now i know why i feel like crying.
This is all getting VERY frustrating for me. Today was not a very good day. Not at all.
I was in a bad mood third hour and almost cried.
I didn't finish my outline for english, and we had to write an in class essay from it, as part of our test. The outline was also a grade. I made up so much shit......
It doesn't seem like i can talk to *person* anymore...all they do is ignore me.....or at least it seems like it.
Jessie is having a really rough day.
All the sudden in sixth hour my eye started hurting, and it's swelling up, and i have no idea whats going on, only that it hurts.
At lunch, everyone piled their trays on Baylee's because she was going on a trash run, and a cup of pop spilled on the table and got my pants and my sweatshirt all wet. My sweatshirt is still sticky.
I was talking to someone, and I told them some things against my better judgement...
Well, they told me some things too, so i guess it'll be ok.
I just want to go cuddle with some one and cry right now.....
really, i do.
eh.
-michelle.
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