Emology

Emology

:: 2005 16 November :: 8.42 am

All right look everybody. I know that we have been dealing with this "real" friend issue lately. Everybody has been getting riled up and all, but I think its time to just drop the subject. We have eachother, and thats just fine for now. Others will need to prove themselves for us in the future, and thats fine too. That's it, decision is made, we can drop all this and move on. And I think we should. There is too much else in life to be held back by something stupid like this.

"You have the ability to choose to not be effect of things"

2 Whats | up

:: 2005 9 November :: 2.46 pm

Went out and got the anniversary presents. Can't tell cause they're a secret!

9 days since I've seen the sun

:: 2005 8 November :: 6.13 pm

Where's my Amelia Berghlur?

8 days since I've seen the sun

:: 2005 7 November :: 11.32 pm

Amelia made me feel extra special today. Her voice did make everything go away and make me better. I love her so much. The only problem is that I want to SUPER be with her right now. Only two days I guess. Still to long I think. I love you so much baby, and I know that we'll be together forever. Thank you for helping me with my hard day, you made it better. Can't wait to see you!

"Me gusta la gasolina"

:: 2005 6 November :: 3.39 pm

Stabbing myself over and over sounds real good right about now. I don't think I'm gonna do much of anything over the next few days, including writing in this journal. So, see ya later.

1 What | up

:: 2005 6 November :: 10.26 am

I want her so bad right now

6 days since I've seen the sun

:: 2005 5 November :: 9.56 pm

I feel so very very lost. And maybe like I'm just more or less fucking everything up. I seriously don't know what to do. I just want to let everything go right now, and I mean everything. Too much to deal with. I know I want to be with her for a very long time, that's for sure. But me coming first? I can't even imagine what that's supposed to be like. She feels horrible about being a dissapointment, but what am I supposed to do? Its hard to tell her cause I know I'll hurt her, it's apparently even harder on her when I don't admit it. I know that I'll never find anybody perfect in what I want for a significant other, so there is no point in leaving in search of. And I really want to have this all work out in the end. Yeah, I'm tired of thinking of all this, so I'm just going to shut the fuck up. Later.

:: 2005 5 November :: 9.12 am
:: Mood: happy

Well, I went and talked with sensei. He said he got a little too carried away and misinterpreted when he should have asked what was going on instead. We had a long discussion and talked out the problem. Now he is going to be a little more aware around me and we both know we can talk things out next time. He even said he went home and felt so bad he told his wife. I also shared with him how devote I am willing to be and how far I need to get. He said that he likes my desire in the martial arts, and wished there were more of his students that way. He even told me that after thanksgiving, we could talk again and he would try to give me some one on one time for a couple hours every week to help me improve that much quicker. So, it looks like through all this, behind the curtains, was my stupid postulate of wanting to train more sitting in disguise. If last night wouldn't have happened, I probably wouldn't have gone and talked to him, and probably not have gotten the opportunity to train with him. This is better, this is the way things should be. Well, in the martial arts world at least.

"8 hours a day for 10 years"

5 days since I've seen the sun

:: 2005 4 November :: 5.53 pm
:: Mood: crushed

I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I did absolutely horrible in Tae Kwon Do today. I didn't do well at all. I think it was partly due to me not being to focused on it. It was a big off day. Sensei thought I was trying to prove myself by placing myself above everybody else, but I was really just fighting blindly. So, he tried to make an example out of me. He thought I was trying to kick him as hard as I could, so he did the same to me. I could feel his intention of anger glaring at me, and I had no idea why he was fighting so hard. We had a little discussion afterward where he said that he thought I was trying to prove something, but the truth is I wasn't. It was all a big misunderstanding. I feel so lost and confused. He helps everybody else training-wise, but never me and I was starting to get confused why. I thought I was to learn just by experience because he wasn't saying anything to help me, but he really only wants to help those who don't try their hardest. Those who hit light and medium. I didn't know that, and I haven't been trying to kick my hardest either. I've just been trying to do my best. If I knew that all along, things would have gone well tonight. But instead I feel like shit. I almost broke down in front of him, but maneged to keep it in. I couldn't afterwards though, and the salt in my tears are burning the freshly shaven skin on my face. Oh well, I guess I deserve it. I feel so hopeless. Looking at Jet Li and my life, I have utterly no chance..........

"I'm not down because I lost, but because I've failed myself"

4 days since I've seen the sun

5 Whats | up

:: 2005 3 November :: 9.07 am
:: Mood: irritated

Well then. It seems like nobody has anything to be happy about anymore. And I can't help because I'm all the fucking way out here. You know what? That's it. I give up. No more. Can't deal with it, nothing I can do. I'm useless now. Absolutely too much shit happening right now. If nobody else is going to be happy, why the fuck should I try so hard? I just need to either totally beat the living daylights out of something, or just cry all this out and sleep it off. Don't talk to me. I have nothing of worth to say anymore.

"You all had better get ready to die"

3 days since I've seen the sun

:: 2005 2 November :: 1.25 pm
:: Mood: kinda shitty

Just watched Jet Li's Kiss of the Dragon. I wish there was somebody out here that had the same love and wanted to dedicate their time to building fight scenes and training. Jet Li trained eight hours a day for ten years between eight and eighteen. Geese, I have a lot of training to do. I dunno how I'm ever going to pull this off.

Uck, just uck, with a side dish of uck. I want to beat everything down with a sword, have a brawl, kick the shit out of somebody, stab something with my shuriyukens, or knock anyone out with my kali sticks. So angry! I need a big bowl of love right now

"My name's not Johnny"

2 days since I've seen the sun

2 Whats | up

:: 2005 1 November :: 7.58 pm

Well I'm back here. I'm going to try my hardest throughout the next little bit to be the best I can. Man, driving through all that stormy shit and the night time sucks! I'm a good driver though, so I made it. Now I just need to make it through the next ten days. Thank you JoAnne and Nick for letting me stay at your humble home, it made me feel so special. Thank you Brooke for being a true friend. I would never want to beat you with a stick, lol. Happy Birthday ZuZu! Hope you have a good one, thanks for being coo. And thank you Amelia for being the best girlfriend ever. You are so amazing in my eyes. I notice how much more perfect you get every time I visit you. I love you with all I can give. We'll make it all the way for sure.

"Someday I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday"

1 day since I've seen the sun

:: 2005 1 November :: 10.34 am

Damnet. I just woke up and it wasn't a dream. She really isn't here. Well, now I have to wait ten days. But that is hella lot better than three frickin weeks. Sad.....I want my Amelia......

"Interesting.......perhaps"

1 What | up

:: 2005 31 October :: 3.54 pm

MY heart hurts when you're not here. My heart misses you and I haven't even left yet. I already feel sad and like crying. I know that I'm going to miss the hell out of you. The next few weeks are going to be hard, and are going to take a lot of work. I I can't believe how fast the weekend has gone. You are too perfect for me to leave behind. Life shouldn't be like this. Six more months. Only six more fucking months. I will try my hardest for you because I love you. I am not looking forward to tomorrow morning.....

"The key to becoming immortal is living a life worth remembering"

:: 2005 26 October :: 7.45 pm

You all had better be ready, bitches.\

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