Emology

Emology

:: 2016 6 February :: 8.50pm

expressing my deep
inner thoughts...

clinging to a pole in a hurricane
climbing a sheer vertical cliff with no gear

I just need you to ask the right questions.

I honestly don't know how I feel 99% of the time. not saying anything makes it easier to change my mind about how I felt when a decision was made.

godessalthena

:: 2016 4 February :: 7.50am

happy birthday to one of my absolutely favorite people!! ALEXZ YOU ROCK!!!! I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend <3 <3

godessalthena

:: 2016 2 February :: 5.08pm

when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

godessalthena

:: 2016 1 February :: 7.27am

day 1 of new shift...

someone shoot. meh.

hopeful long being off at 4:15 will be its own reward

godessalthena

:: 2016 29 January :: 7.40am

so many crafts.. so little time!!!

godessalthena

:: 2016 27 January :: 10.42pm

I hate you. i hate you so much. I hate that I loved you so much. I did everything for you.

I compromised my morals. I completely lost myself in you. all I could see was through your eyes, and every fiber of my being wanted to make you happy. I wanted to untwist your dark and damaged heart, because I could still see the hurt little boy underneath.

you encouraged me to face my demons. you pressured me into getting help I desperately needed. you were my best friend. I shared every inch of my labyrinth heart to you. I showed you more of me than anyone has ever seen.

but none of that could ever make you content. none of that ever meant a damn thing to you. you took my love and you used it against me. you poisoned me. three years later, and I'm still trying to clear the radioactive waste you left decaying in my chest. I am tainted, and every time I get close to someone, I am once again reminded of how you ruined me.

I wish there wasn't some demented part of me that still loves you. I should never have let you in. you've really taken 7 years of my life from me. and I know you'll continue to haunt me. there isn't a single day that passes where I don't think of you. you're still very much a part of me.

you torment me.

godessalthena

:: 2016 25 January :: 6.58pm

sometimes, you just need to be confided in by a new friend to make you feel like maybe all this pain and misery is worth it.

"I love you, friend" is just one of the best things to hear from such a sweet and thoughtful woman. I'm really glad I met Tracie, she always brightens my day at work. it sucks we can only talk at the end of the day.. she started just waiting for me, 15 whole minutes! just to talk with me.

I have some truly amazing ladies in my life. Alexz is always there, so fiercely loyal and wonderfully blunt. hearing shit talked straight is such a rare thing these days I feel like. and Zoe is just always my inner voice to keep fighting. she and I are almost the same person in so many ways, and yet in some ways we are so radically different. we balance each other well. these two women have saved my life on too many occasions to count.

in this horrible flood called life, I'm just thankful to have such steadfast boulders to be bound to.

Abe is always there for me, with this seemingly unconditional love. he is a much needed outlet and an excellent window.

and weed. it may be a crutch, but what do crutches do? they help people walk. I was crawling in the muddy dark, when weed grabbed my hand and helped me to stand.

but god damn, am I still filthy.

1 What | up

godessalthena

:: 2016 25 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: aggravated

so much to say.

no ability to get the words out.

i am pissed, hurt, confused, and relieved.

maybe i should do something stupid too.

godessalthena

:: 2016 23 January :: 7.53am
:: Mood: accomplished

when I look in the mirror, I love who I see. I even danced for myself in the mirror this morning.

I am a hot babe.

godessalthena

:: 2016 22 January :: 8.06pm

hell has no fury as a woman scorned

godessalthena

:: 2016 18 January :: 8.42am

I wish people cloud hear what they sound like sometimes.

would you tell a burn victim you can't be friends because you find having healthy skin too important?

there are nicer ways to say no.

people are asshats.

fuck Monday's

godessalthena

:: 2016 13 January :: 2.10pm

Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered

godessalthena

:: 2016 9 January :: 6.20am

is there a difference between liking something because you're good at it and being good at something because you really enjoy it?

4 Whats | up

godessalthena

:: 2016 5 January :: 7.37pm

why I am quiet:

I speak my mind, and everyone systematically tears my idea down.

godessalthena

:: 2016 5 January :: 1.54pm

still feeling like shit, but made it into work. trying not to escape into work requests and music, because everything else just feels like too much.

things don't go how you want them to. and people keep hounding for things they'll never get. and my patience is wearing thin.

I hate being a woman. I hate society. I hate how we raise our children and I hate how we all feel worthless and powerless and insignificant.

I've lost 20 pounds since I've moved home. I can see it all pretty much left my belly. I don't know if I want to be skinny, but being at 200 pounds would be pretty cool. I guess. I don't fucking know.