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godessalthena

:: 2015 10 September :: 6.14am

this week has been really rough.

treasured friend has malignant brain tumor
Dali died
horrible slander about me thru the grapevine
a dead bird at work

it was nice sleeping all last weekend, forgetting about how fucked up things are, how shitty and petty people are, how shitty I've been.

I am swallowed up by the current. my head is a meter under water.

if I could just be held, and told it was alright, maybe I could breathe for just one moment.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 9 September :: 9.13pm

happiness is fakin' it til you make it.

maybe you'll never make it, but at least people will remember you as happy when you're rotting in the cold wet earth.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 8 September :: 12.09pm

you can't kill what's already dead, so leave my soul alone.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 7 September :: 1.35pm

most days I wake up and I wonder... what the fuck am I still doing here?

and I still don't know.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 4 September :: 6.44am

I just don't want to feel invisible anymore.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 3 September :: 7.41am

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

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godessalthena

:: 2015 1 September :: 8.35pm

I am not sure who I want to be right now.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 29 August :: 3.27pm

I cleaned the shit out of that apartment. I better get my deposit back. that place was a dump when I moved in!

but damn I sure am going to miss it. it was my little slice of heaven. I'm eager for my home. I'm going to make a list of things I really want it to have.. like a good view.

I am so exhausted but pretty content. seeing the doctor Thursday to see about my insomnia. I'm dying. and I have been having it since I started cymbalta.. say 5 years ago? I just need to sleep.

it rained today. it filled me with delight. everything is so thirsty.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 26 August :: 11.47am
:: Mood: ecstatic

the man from the shopping spree finally responded to my missed connection!!! and the adventure begins!

1 What | up


godessalthena

:: 2015 20 August :: 7.58am

I hope my baby dog will be ok :(

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godessalthena

:: 2015 19 August :: 12.28pm

I just want to touch someone again.

I want to explore and admire a body.

I want to be held and kissed tenderly.

I want to give someone a massage.

I want to feel human again.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 15 August :: 8.51am

fuck you, Sus. I finally got to say what I wanted. I finally stood up for myself and drove that dagger as deep as it would go into your crocodilian hyde.

sistas are doin it for themselves.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 14 August :: 7.08am

shal·low
ˈSHalō/
adjective
1.
of little depth.

i.e. when the only reason you stay with someone is because they are pretty.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 11 August :: 3.35pm

all time low
I want to be exanimate.

there really isn't a point to any of this.

I'm tired of pain and rejection. of not fitting in. of all the barriers I create to ensure these are the ends I come to.

I miss my grandpa.

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godessalthena

:: 2015 11 August :: 10.47am

everyone is falling in love.

I feel left out.

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