self esteem is a fickle thing. one day you're on top of the world, and the next some careless tactless asshole destroys it. of course, self esteem should come primarily from within, but words hurt, and once said can't be unsaid.

over the past few several years i have had a chain of "relationships", all of which centered around sex and control. i have often felt frustrated that men would find me good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be seen in public with me. its something i never understood until recently.

and i suppose i've known it my whole life, since my whole life i've struggled with this spare tire around my waist. but i had also been under the illusion that people cared about more than our corporeal form, and could see how much i have to offer outside that. ultimately, shallowness prevails and my weight is much more of an issue than it really should be.

thus ensues the struggle that seems to define my life - lose weight and attempt to achieve our society's standard of beauty (and in that action, creating a sense of "selling out") or remain at the weight i am and feel as though i'm taking a stand against "body currency".

i realize, even though i despise body currency, i cannot help but buy into it. it's immersive, inescapable and a permanent piece of the culture in which i have been born. into which countless of women are born. and no matter how hot a woman is, how desirable she is, she still suffers harsh criticism and a constant barrage of "you'll never be good enough". Our economy runs on the constant need to be "better".

the worst part is i feel completely powerless to affect it. i am small. i am merely an insignificant speck laying on a mote of dust in an endless expanse, and yet, i'm still much too big to exist. i take up twice as much room as i should. and my mind? well, that's completely disposable.

so, let's just say "fuck it" and move on.. right?

up