godessalthena
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2011 19 October :: 6.22pm
New car.. New winter coat.. Better relationship with my family.. Today is a good day :D
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 17 October :: 11.44pm
It's days like today I wonder why the fuck I even bother.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 8 October :: 5.01pm
In retrospect.. I'm not really sure who was getting shafted in that relationship.
And honestly it isn't important I guess... But I don't understand why it hurts more now than it did then.
I feel so worthless compared to all the people who've left my life. I know I shouldn't base my self-worth on the success of others.. But for once I'm starting to believe that I'm really not better than anyone else.
I know I am marginally successful. And I know that some of my failures aren't necessarily my fault. But I can't help but feel like this is the best I'll ever achieve and it makes me wonder what's the purpose of existing? I'll never be happier than I am right now. I'll never be more successful.
I have an interview with Liberty Mutual in Redmond, WA on Wesnesday. I'm consumed with a desire to get back there. But.. Yesterday I exchanged emails with my dad and spoke to Sus about it.. And now I'm not sure if this is the best choice. On one hand I love Seattle and how much there is to do, the weather.. But on the other hand I don't have any friends there anymore. I don't have school to help me meet people. If something happened between Sus and I, what would I do? Where would I go? I think moving back would help us be happier, thus making our relationship better, but you never know.. Then there's also the logistics of moving. We'd need to find a big enough place for the right price, hire movers, break our current lease or find someone to take the lease over.. I'd need to get my car in running order since it'll be a commute to get to Redmond.. Sus told me he isn't ready to move.. Since school will have less distractions over here..
I'm just all kinds of confused and I just wish I had some answers and guidance. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I have no clue what I'm doing.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 6 October :: 2.47pm
How would my life be if something had for once just turned put how I meant it to..?
Would I still hurt? Would I be happy?
I just wish I could know what it felt like to have something go as planned... To succeed.
...
My brother wrote me a letter.. I'm going to read it next Thursday with my parents.. I'm terrified.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 5 October :: 8.19pm
34 BMI
240 lbs
I just did 20 mins of rowing with 25lbs of resistance. I had to stop because my hands are cramping. I barely feel like it accomplished anything.
I'm feeling like a complete loser. A fat, worthless, stupid loser. And I'm sure many people will agree with me.
Honestly I feel like I'll always be a fat stupid loser. I'm nothing to be proud of. I quit everything I start before I finish. I'm worthless.
I just wish for once I had the support I needed. The help I needed. The drive I needed. But I won't because I'm what's standing in my way and I have no fucking clue how to get out of it.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 2 October :: 8.07pm
Can I just crawl into a hole and die now..? Fuck.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 2 October :: 3.02pm
Requested info from WSU's BA of Social Services degree program. My parents suggested I look into it, since I work, can't drive long distances and need a degree. I originally was going to do an AA in Communications from SCC, but I think this will be a better idea. It's a better degree from a better school. Plus I want to go into the HR field and from what I researched, Social Services degree is a lot more geared to HR, while communications is more for VP's and what not.
I really need a degree to get anywhere in this company. I really want to get away from customer service. I am at my wit's end with this fucking people.
This job makes me feel so fucking shitty. I am probably the only one who isn't a new hire who hasn't earned a bravo award. My boss hates me or highly disapproves of me. I'm the only one who isn't married/has children or a college degree. I feel like an outcast here. I feel looked down on. Coming to work makes me feel like I'm the most pathetic waste of life here.
I want out. I want to do something else. I love my benefits. I love my pay. I just want to feel like I'm valued. Which I'm not.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 27 September :: 3.09pm
I'm exhausted after having nightmares all night. This stress is getting to be too much for me.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 21 September :: 6.05pm
I try. I try hard to be responsible. I always make sure bills are paid, I make sure they are paid on time. I try to balance that with stress relief, food, and paying off debt. But honestly I cannot get ahead. It's like at every turn I'm sent to collections, or a get a stupid moronic fee. I'm not a bad person, I'm not someone who isn't dependable. But these companies don't give a fuck about the individual, they just care about their profit margins. Times are difficult and I'm supporting more than my fair share. Rent's too expensive, but I can't afford to break the lease. I didn't have the support I needed from my family when I was bed ridden, so I accrued massive debt, on top of the debt I got when I made the mistake of moving here under false pretenses.
I am so exhausted. I never get a good night of sleep. I never feel safe and comfortable. I feel like a complete waste, I feel like an irresponsible dumb fuck. I don't know what to do.
Dad told me he's proud of me.. The more I think about it the more I feel like he's just saying it because he loves me and he knows I'm struggling. I know he thinks I've made a series of bad choices.. I know I'm the disappointment in the family. I just want to say honestly I'm trying the best I can and trying to fix all my juvenile mistakes.
World.. I'm sorry. I am a failure, but I'm trying to change that so please be patient.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 12 September :: 2.17pm
Half way thru my week already. I love working four tens!
Tho sadness that I don't have money for any vodka this weekend.. :/ but I guess it's not horrible since I don't really have any friend plans this weekend.
I've become enthralled with Star Trek Voyager. I find myself holding my breath and clutching my couch while I watch it. I'm so silly, but honestly after a long day at work it feels good to escape into the future with good people who I feel would accept me for my differences. I wouldn't be the weirdo there. Unlike here.
I am getting very disappointed with all my "friends" in Spokane. They are all too far away, flakey or busy being adults. Or "antisocial" which, I'm pretty sure, is Spokanese for "Amelia is too weird/offense so fuck that shit." Whatever.
Lots of important birthdays coming up! Yay the birth of my favorite people!
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 11 September :: 7.05pm
I find it amusing when, at work, when I'm obviously fucking around on my cell phone, people will start talking to me from their desk across the cubicle wall. They'll ask an extremely long winded question and then say my at the end. We havent made eye contact before my name has been said. Once I hear my name I look up and ask them what I can help them with and they respond with a sigh and angry laughter.
Seriously? I obviously wasn't paying attention to you. Why are you mad at me? It's so ridiculous.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 10 September :: 2.20pm
It's nice to know that he's proud of me.. Even if I'm not following the quickest path to wealth.. I feel like the struggles I'm going through are a really good learning experience.
Now if only I felt like I was succeeding in my life. I hung out with my sister yesterday.. She's growing up to be a gorgeous young lady and I have to admit I'm very jealous.
I feel so boring.. Fat.. Ugly.. I feel like one of the masses. Unremarkable and forgettable. Replaceable. I have no spark left. I have no passions, drive. I do what needs to be done to continue existence, but I'm no longer really living my life..
Though that raises the question if I was ever really living in the first place.
I just don't know what I should be doing. I see my sister with this group of friends who love her and enjoy hanging out with her.. I have nothing like that. I have Emily.. But we're both too busy to ever see each other.
I wish I could be someone people would want to be around. And honestly I don't see what I'm lacking.. Sigh.
I'm tired..
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 8 September :: 3.37pm
I can't fucking win.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 6 September :: 2.17am
Amelia: n. Failure. n. Waste of time. n. Unending disappointment.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 5 September :: 12.56am
I look back on my life and I wish so desperately that I had a period I could look back on fondly and say, "I was happy once" but.. Throughout my whole life I've always managed to get fucked over or do the fucking up myself..
I feel as though I'm destined to have nothing but bad memories. Failed attempts to make something more out of my life than suffering. I want to have just an extended period of time where, even if I wasn't exceptionally happy, at least I wasn't miserable either.
I feel like trying is a futile effort. And I want to give up so badly.. But if this is all there is, miserable is better than nothing.
I'm only human. I'm doing the best I can with what is given to me. Is it really too much to just ask for a hand once in a while?
Apparently it honestly is.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 4 September :: 6.13pm
Fuck California. They can all rot in Hell.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 26 August :: 4.37pm
All necessary bills caught up.. Rent paid a week early (WITH a motherfucking receipt, learned my lesson).. And enough left over to go out on a much needed date!
Now to decide if we want a movie or a strip club.. Or Irv's. Descisions, descisions! :)
But def getting some sushi! X3 Nom, nom, omnomnom!
Haha also this girl made a HUGE effort to apologize about being a flake and came over, kept talking about how she just wanted to have angry make up sex with whoever she could, and how much her ex hated us, and when we didn't take advantage of her, started completely ignoring us and then removed us from her facebook friends. WTF? this is how I view EVERY Spokane resident. Batshit crazy.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2011 23 August :: 3.12pm
Haha I am "the weird chick" at work. I'm pretty sure people are nice to me so I don't kill them when I go postal.
disclaimer: I probably will never go postal since I dont hate anything about my job. Except for the woman who talks about NOTHING BUT her 2 year-old.. A topic I have absolute 0 interest in.
and tha sun got brighter then
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