suspensionrings
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2004 19 October :: 2.36pm
and this girl, this vision i have. of the one who would be "perfect" for him . . . maybe it's too simplified. this little waif of a princess. this helpless little shit in a white dress. waitingwaitingwaiting doing nothing until she's rescued. all broken but beautiful. so beautiful.
[so pathetic, she snarls. she'sright.]
and it's possiblypossible that he finds my aggression a not unnattractive quality but . . .
claire. i've heard him on the phone with her. talking her down as she cries. he is [maybe was, they had a . . . falling-out sort of thing] who she goes to for comfort. he is [was? will be again? does it matter? i'm screwed from the beginning . . .] her security blanket. and she's the perfect damsel in distress.
i can't describe this well. it's in his body language. tone of voice. over the phone, in person . . . even just talking about her, there's a difference. and it fucking breaks my heart, not because he's madly in love with someone else [whocanblamehim? she's probably as brilliant as the other one was, as they always are . . .] but because i don't stand. a. fucking. chance. if she ever decides to let him move in.
he says i make him happy, but that's bollocks. or rather, semantics. i can make him happy. but she makes him fucking euphoric.
and the truth of the matter is i want nothing more than for her to do it. and make it work. fucking make him that happy all the time, you stupid little girl, you have no idea what's right in front of you. i don't matter, i'm not even in the equation. i just want him to smile. like he does around her. every goddamn day.
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suspensionrings
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2004 19 October :: 2.14pm
that falling is floating in heaven for hours
and it still hurts, you know, when i remember what it felt like. to have and to hold. to stare at your sleeping face.
but. well. weep not.
i want to tell the [former] source. things. anything. but this goes right along with the other Oath. certain things when said cannot be unsaid. certain promises when made must be kept at any cost. i'm finding my honor in the most unlikely of places . . .
. . . a neon green guardian? pfah! i would surely have said. pfah!
if jim is my white knight then she is my black knight. he is unreachable but offers salvation. she offers life itself, but at such a cost. i'm too weak to survive without both of them. i'll take her when he's not around.
. . . the part that bothers me is, she'll still be there when i do meet him again. like it or not i am changed and changing. constantly. i keep worrying that the person i am now is not the one he fell[1021] [idon'tbelieveawordofit] in love with. or worse, that said person never really existed.
i knew when i met him i could never have him. he was beyond me, morally and ethically. too pure. too good.
on the beach, dan passed out behind us, a feeble sunrise behind a shit-smear of clouds. i said something about my [very short] hair and he said he prefers when girls have longer hair. so he can brush it out of their eyes. like this.
i had to look away.
splat, there goes my heart on the sand.
i knew i could never have him.
i also knew i could never stop.
i'll be his shadow.
his lesser half.
his. whatever.
as long as he'll let me.
until it starts hurting him.
[maybe it already has. maybe i've already done so much damage that nothing else matters.]
i can't. leave this.
not until i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he doesn't want me, or can't handle me anymore.
not until i've sucked every last drop of goodness from it.
arg.
arg.
i hate it when i do that.
that filth, it's still there.
i still don't want it on him. anywhere near him. in the same fucking universe as him.
he's too good for you, i say.
to the other version of me.
i'm right. i think.
but.
.
.
.
something.
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suspensionrings
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2004 17 October :: 10.22am
a white knight deserves a princess. a princess in a tower, a princess you have to kill a dragon for, a princess under a curse. hard to get, but worth it in the end.
you don't get it, retard. you haven't seen things from my perspective. haven't felt this Filth in every vein in every pore in every breath. i don't want you ever to feel it. i am covered in shit and you are an angel of light to me, i want more than anything to be held in your arms but then you'd be covered in it too. understand? i corrupt. i make good things go bad. that's why i keep all of this to myself. nobody needs this. i don't need to drag anybody down.
if i had the courage, the means, and a decent reason to . . . but you know what's holding me back? that fucking five percent. humans will do anything for the slightest chance that something good will happen. especially when there's no other options.
just want to stare death in the face and bang. easy. over. out.
people keep thinking i'm more than i am [dwelling on it dwelling on it rereading the] [&does that make ignorance bliss? is any of that true anymore? does it matter if it is? it may scar over but you'll still twitch when i move at you. still expect me to bite.]
&strange but now i'm the one incapable of non-monogamy. i can't. won't. am incapable of dating other people. well. i don't date anyway. so that's out.
but i'm very . . . uni-directional when it gets to this point. that's why i don't like falling in the first place. i know where it leads. i get too focused. too obsessed. way the fuck too obsessed.
it's a question of morals. yes, amazingly enough, i have them. they're just skewed, is all. but . . . once i've made that oath. to myself, to nothing else, it's nothing but a decision but one i will not waver from. the cost may be as it is and if it takes another two years, three years, ten years to recover then so be it. an oath once said shall not be broken. that's part of her moral code.
frightening. she's just as human as the rest of us. a monster, yes, but she's a knight too. she'll die for me, for children or those too weak to defend themselves, for certain ideals. she already did, once.
there is one [1] [a new meaning to the name, ahhahaha] hole in my heart. it can be filled by 1 [one] person at a time. i gave up god for her. i gave up her for you.
you can have it all
my empire of dirt
i will bring you down
i will make you hurt
maybe you and that stupid white-knight tendency . . . yeah, maybe you could bring me out of it. but at what cost to yourself? it's triage, my boy, some people just aren't worth it. limited resources. go save someone who can save you back.
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suspensionrings
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2004 14 October :: 10.45am
And if I don't say anything about it, nobody has to know.
The last thing I need to infect other people with this. To cause them distress because I am what I am.
He says next december. I say, we'll see. You might not like what you find when you get here. You might snap to your senses before then. Most of me wants you to.
I'm so bad for him. He's great for me, but I'm so bad for him. He says I make him happy, but my god man, not euphoric. Not like she could. I wish I could have done something besides sit there and be frustrated. Those two would have been so goddamn great together. And she would have been so good for him. Instead he's got . . . this. Beast.
Fairly sure he has no idea what's going on in here. What "I'm" really like. Or maybe he does and he underestimates it . . . I'm more than high-maintainence, I'm aggressively insecure. Very aggressive. He's seen it. He's too retarded to ditch me yet, though. Maybe this whole life-getting-together thing, maybe he'll grow a spine, grow some common sense.
Maybe we're too young for it to matter, but if he stays with me it'll be fucking throwing his life away . . . at the very least I don't want kids. He does. He really, really does. I'm not affectionate. I can't reassure him when he's down, offer advice. I can't do much more than sit there and look stupid. I can be a shoulder to cry on but nothing more than that. I can't heal people, I'm too worried I'll fuck something up trying, or I just lack the capacity. I care, I'm just incompetant. Women are supposed to be the caretakers and everything, all sympathetic and emotional and . . . we're supposed to be the healers. But I'm the one that needs healing. All the fucking time. This goes beyond high-maintainence. You don't want this. I don't want to you want this. I don't want to bring you down.
And that's pretty much all it is. I don't want to bring you down. I don't want you ever to feel this because of me. So.
If in the next fourteen months. It somehow falls apart. Or you find somebody else. I'll be glad for you.
But you don't ever need to know that.
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suspensionrings
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2004 13 October :: 1.24pm
i can never remember writing this shit down. it's like woohu is a big memory blank to me. but whatever.
thing. about. yeah, it will. maybe it won't, but probably it will. that gives me joy. a step up. able to find my way out of the very deepest bits, at least.
and somehow it's the catalyst for everything.
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suspensionrings
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2004 8 October :: 1.40pm
&time or something
How long was I in love with Corwin? Can you even call it love? Is anything I do worthy of the moniker "love"? A year and a half getting over it, I don't know how long before, a week in between [hahahaHAHA. so. pathetic.]
I should stop giving out advice.
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suspensionrings
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2004 8 October :: 1.32pm
Yes, dear girl. It hurts. It hurts like a bitch. [I know you're not reading this. Maybe I'm writing it for me.] But you can't give up. [Hypocrite! You almost did.] You can't close yourself off, curl up into a little ball and hope that everything good will leave you alone. The temptation, it'll always be there. The hope, it'll always be there. The break in your heart which is now so vast, yes it'll close, yes it'll stop throbbing, yes it'll eventually dim until it no longer occupies so much of your perceptions. But that little crack will always be there. That yearning . . . despite logic, despite possibilities, despite even your own eventual feelings on the matter, will always be there.
I talk like I know anything. I'm a fucking infant. A larval mass.
But there is change within this chrysalis.
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suspensionrings
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2004 7 October :: 2.36pm
How many months?
And . . . jebuz. The parallels. Poor girl. I know, I knowIknowIknowIknow how badly it hurts . . . almost makes me wish I weren't coming at it from the other side.
Maybe.
Fucker says he wants to marry me . . . or rather, that such a thing is financially/spacially/realistically possible. When he gets his black belt. [Hold to that, in case it's all destroyed. Remember that emotion.]
He's changed me. So much.
So's Shillowe, but one plays off against the other. What Shi taught me to be [I love her all the same] must forever be beaten into submission by that which desires to hold on to him. Always.
And that stain, that mark of what I've done, who I was, who I could too easily be again . . . it'll always be there too. The pain that I caused him will always exist, I'm not sure if he realizes that. I'm not sure if it'll poison things.
I could easily spend what remains of my life with him. I could just as easily fuck it all up again. Or watch impotently as he finds and loves someone else.
I don't know. I'm . . . cautious. Perhaps overly so. I'd been prepared to accept being his friend and nothing more for however long we could stand to talk to each other. That bittersweetness of being love with your best [fuck, only] friend . . . I've been there. I could deal with it.
And I don't know if I want to get my hopes up again. In a week, in a month, by the summer, is he still going to care?
Although frankly it doesn't matter. He could kick me to the ground time and again, and as long as he still let me hang around, as long as I knew it wasn't somehow hurting him by doing so, I'd follow his ass around concievably forever. Just to see him smile.
Sappy little bastard.
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suspensionrings
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2004 29 July :: 4.29pm
Wow. Wherehave and whenhave, why? Running back to the old and the cold . . . so this is where all the rotten stuff went, all the mold along the walls all the delusions all the . . . neverland. Neverland neverland neverland. The red walls will never match up to the grey.
I've got to archive this shit. I read it and can barely remember writing it. Details washed away in weeks of being someone else.
Who is this Chesh? What does she mean to me? Does anything mean anything anymore? I can feel him squirming under the surface, but still. One day to crash and then I'm right as rain? Am I just waiting to explode, or . . . too many questions.
Tell you this. I don't believe in love. And if I did, it would scare the shit out of me.
Boy, you best stop with that shit. I'm trying to do for you what God did for me. Don't turn it into something special. I'm an enabler, maybe, just this once, but I will always walk alone. I will always walk with her.
You know who I mean.
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suspensionrings
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2004 5 May :: 4.46pm
RUN RUN RUN
you know, fuck it.
Oath pt. 1 DOESN"T WORK
never has never will i can't keep myself away from it.
Oath pt. 2, however . . . mmyes.
But on the other hand there's just, you know, the Source being the Source, it makes my brain all a-tingle. Thingthingthingwhatever. The worm gets all huffy because it wants neverland to be this cool too . . . but it's too vague, even effigy knows that. I can't tell a fucking story to save my life.
The worm screams. [behind its mask.]
the fool, it does not seek your advice. your advice is flaws unlimited.
i would call it a glitterchild but it would not know what that means! oh!the pity.
and effigy says: if you call it a fucking glitterchild.
what
do you call
YOURSELF.
[idiot.]
but i don't want to think that hard about it, ego is a killer of joy.
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suspensionrings
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2004 29 April :: 5.14pm
but the point is, is is is is is.
well.
the wonderworm?
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suspensionrings
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2004 28 April :: 5.39pm
the wierd part is i still don't care.
the mask, the mask, the mask, the mask.
&i shall call it a leech. parasite, parasite, suck your blood and make you sick.
then you kick it off and think no more of the stupid pathetic beast.
maggot.
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suspensionrings
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2004 27 April :: 6.28pm
'it's those that never admit it that don't learn."
i've admitted it. and apologized for it. again and again and i.
it.
noun verb.
it's those who can't stop that must be destroyed.
[but have you done it to her face? for the real thing? i know you've groveled at Alice's feet a million times for effigy, but i think you already knew she'd accept you nevertheless [anti] . . . but this is different. you know without a doubt that every word is sin. that even being here is sin. that every line you place on paper is sin.
and you still want more.
and you can't handle rejection.
and you still want more.
this is reality, if you do something bad you must pay for it.
and you are certainly becoming a very very bad little doggy.]
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suspensionrings
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2004 27 April :: 6.04pm
no. shut your fucking trap. you are hereby confined to a muzzle. now and forever.
plan if you must, but never-not in this name again.
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suspensionrings
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2004 27 April :: 5.59pm
fuckfuckfuckyoumotherfucker, you fucking snake and his fucking lies
CHESHIRECHESHIRECHESHIRE
...and it occurs to me that that really just about says it all. CHESHIRE. i am a cheshire i am the cheshire i
still
can't stop this fucking
whatever it is.
whatever my buzzword for it is.
shithead. shitheel. shit everywhere on everything. you are FILTH.
told you you'd cause trouble.
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