"; echo "If you think you have been banned in error please contact me."; $fp = fopen("code/data/ip_data.dat", "a"); fputs($fp, "**BANNED** Visit logged on $getdate at $gettime internet time) for IP: $getip "); fputs($fp, ""); fclose($fp); exit(); } } echo "Update in progress."; echo "
"; echo "'Authorized Visit' detected and logged on $getdate at $gettime internet time) for IP: $getip"; $fp = fopen("code/data/ip_data.dat", "a"); fputs($fp, "Authorized Visit logged on $getdate at $gettime internet time) for IP: $getip "); fputs($fp, ""); fclose($fp); ?>

 

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Hope is for Suckers

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allyson

:: 2011 10 November :: 11.55pm

My whole life there has only been one thing Ive known I have always wanted. To feel beautiful. And still to this day I have yet to feel that way.

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 9 November :: 6.27pm

I think I lost my fuckin headache.

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 3 November :: 8.21am

in the now

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 28 October :: 11.30am

yeah you're life's hard, tough shit, there's 7 billion people in this world and you think your issues are tough

first world problems

2 transitions | shape me


allyson

:: 2011 27 October :: 12.07am

Wow it's been long. I have a few posts about Callie Mae... but I just wrote them.. like with a paper and pencil! OMG! haha Anyways. She's a whole year old. I've missed... a lot lately. I've been so sick. No one understands how I feel. But I thought of it today. Imagine have the flu, yes the diarrhea upset stomach achey tired flu... for 9 weeks straight. That's how I felt and still feel. It's very hard for me to do anything without having to run to the bathroom. Recently I've had an upset stomach that comes and goes and has made me lose my appetite. So much that.. I'm down to 89 lbs. I'm 5'4 and 89 lbs.. I look.. horrible. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible parent. I can't do things with my kids. I missed autumn's first day of school, I haven't been able to go for walks all summer or go to the park, Autumn's halloween party is tomorrow, as well as dr appointment and "family" pictures that I won't be attending are friday, I did however make it through autumn's birthday and Callie's without too many episodes. I didn't feel good.. but I made it through. Callie has started walking from the couch to the table and to the wall willingly... but won't walk any further even though she can. (she walked 22+ steps the other night). She still have beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes... she loves her sister and her daddy.. and even me too!
Ugh, I can't believe I missed so much. I just have to take each day.. one step at a time. I can't believe I've been sick so long.. with no answers. Hopefully soon.
Prayers are needed.

1 transition | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 20 October :: 7.02pm

And it's gonna be hell to pay.

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 13 October :: 11.29pm

I have conversations with Nathan sometimes, they are pleasant. We talk about our lives and the world.

1 transition | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 10 October :: 12.25pm

No gods, No masters

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 3 October :: 2.54pm

Sometimes I scare the hell out of myself, I like those days.

shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 30 September :: 11.26am

BAWWWWW LIFE'S HARD

1 transition | shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 29 September :: 8.29pm

Tired of everyone's QQ on facebook

shape me


spud

:: 2011 18 September :: 12.19pm

i drank ALL the rum.

why did i do that?

this explains so much.

shape me


spud

:: 2011 17 September :: 3.06pm

this is relevant to my interests.


shape me


phil-himself

:: 2011 13 September :: 11.21am

All I know about Katy Perry is huge tits and music I don't care for.

1 transition | shape me


spud

:: 2011 11 September :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Scott Butler (i need to get a hold of him....)

Fuckin' Fall!
it's getting to be that time of year. we're not quite there yet, but getting steadily closer. it's cooling off. the kiddies are back in school. hell, the trees were starting to turn colors when i went up north last weekend.

it's coming, people. and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.

every year, when it gets to be about this time, i get... weird. well... even weirder than normal. but i like it, okay? this is probably my favorite time of year, and a large part of that is because it makes me feel this way. i'm not entirely convinced i'm alone in this, either. i mean, i seem to recall posting this spring about how i'd seen all these people breaking up because the weather was turning nice, and it was time to go out and play the field for the summer. and now that things are winding down, everyone's looking to snatch up somebody (or has already... they've had all bleeding summer) to hunker down with and spend the winter months together. i could be imagining all of this, and probably am, but it seems like an interesting theory, just in the nature of humans.

as fixated as i am on this possible phenomenon (if it is in fact more than in my head), i'm not sure that it applies to me. i'm in a constant state of oscillation between looking for someone to hunker down with, and looking for nothing but my own satisfaction (which would invariably be complicated by involving another person). this inability to settle on one option or the other primarily causes me to want to beat my head against a brick wall. which, in all actuality, would probably be about as productive as the running in circles i usually wind up doing.

but fall makes it different. it's more intense. the smells. the sounds. the way the air feels. it all means that it's time for introspection and reflection. soaking up nature, and all of the bounties of harvest time. quiet time alone to think about shit. lots of shit. to think about. i get nostalgic. i have ridiculous romanticized fantasies for the future. but they're all hypotheticals. because i like the subtle ache of watching everyone else be happy together. i was never a part of their happiness. even if i pretended awhile. but theirs isn't what makes me happy. i'm happy alone in my head. it's where i spent the first 7 years of my life. and all the bullshit of this world that i've encountered since has succeeded in doing nothing but confuse and depress me. why can't i go back and just think on things, and feel the ache, and have people leave me alone.

but the rest of the world won't let me do that. i guess that's why they say i get weird this time of year. because, to them, it is weird. sucks to be them. i like it this way. it's the way my brain was designed to be. if that's not good enough for you, then go suck a bag of dicks. because that's as good as it's ever going to be.

6 transitions | shape me

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