:: 2003 19 April :: 8.21 pm

i was happy at first (key word "was"). i have a boyfriend now. i was happy, then he left, and i talked to the one i didn't choose. and it destroyed me inside. it was like when he had broken up with me. it hurts sooo bad. i just want to blow my fucking head off. i am soo scared. the weather even seems to reflect what i am going though.
-stormy
-lighting
-muggy
-grey
-gloomly
the pain is destroying me inside. but i must press on. i must wait until the storm passes. the storm will pass, and i know more will come. but i must go on. i can't hold back. i have to keep going. i know i am repeating that, but i need to. a part of me regrets what i did, but a part of me doesn't. i dont know what will happen, but no matter what happens. i will keep going on. i must. i will. the descion has been made, i just wish he would live a little closer. so now who ever reads this should know who i am chosen. i dont regrete it, i just wish this pain would go away.

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:: 2003 18 April :: 10.31 pm

It just drives me crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really care about both of them. I love them both. But the past more than the present. The present seems to be irritated with me, not that I can’t blame him. I want to be with him, but I am no longer sure if he wants to be with me. Mainly because he has been talking a lot with an old girlfriend, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me a little jealous, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little uncomfortable. I want to pick him but at times it doesn’t feel like he wants me too. It’s all just so confusing. I am consumed by the thoughts that dwell in my mind. I can’t escape them, and it scares me. Another thing is, most of it is probably just things I have in my head, that also frightens me.

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:: 2003 16 April :: 7.17 pm

getting worse. i can't decide. i love them both.

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:: 2003 15 April :: 4.00 pm

i still dont know what to do. things have been racing though my head and i dont know what to think of it. i think..never mind

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:: 2003 14 April :: 5.50 pm

getting worse
he says:
hey babe
me says:
hi
he says:
hello!?!?!?
he says:
how are you?
me says:
pretty good
he says:
thats good
me says:
u?
he says:
ok
me says:
thats good
me says:
glad to be back at school?
he says:
NO
he says:
are you?
me says:
meh
he says:
so...
he says:
how was your spring break?
me says:
good
me says:
u?
he says:
alright
he says:
what'd you do?
me says:
shopping, went to _______
he says:
cool
he says:
are you single?
me says:
ya
he says:
why?!
me says:
i said no
he says:
to who?
me says:
i said no to 2 guys
me says:
i still can't decide, but i have to on thursday
me says:
sorry got kicked off
me says:
what was the last thing you read before i got kicked off
he says:
i asked you who you said no to
me says:
oh
he says:
so who?
me says:
me says:
i said no to 2 guys
me says:
i still can't decide, but i have to on thursday
he says:
between who?
me says:
someone from _______ and ____
he says:
who from ____?
me says:
not telling
he says:
why not?
he says:
:(
me says:
because
me says:
no one will know
me says:
unless i go out with him
he says:
what would you say if i asked you out?
me says:
same thing i said to them "i dont know" or "i can't"
he says:
why can't you?
me says:
because 2 other guys have asked me
he says:
oh
he says:
:(
me says:
besides you wouldn't want me anyway
he says:
why not?
me says:
i dunno, you tell me
he says:
why wouldn't i????
me says:
why would you
he says:
i dont know
he says:
why wouldnt i is the question
me says:
well it seems like you dont have a reason to, like you said "i dont know"


then i got kicked off line, by the time i got back on, he wasn't. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do as it is. i dont it wouldn't be him. definetly not. *sigh* me confuesed.

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:: 2003 7 April :: 8.14 pm

the decsion is becoming harder and harder

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:: 2003 29 March :: 9.17 pm

it scares me becasue i dont know if he likes me as much as he says he does. there are times when i question it. but it usually doesn't last long. sigh*

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