No one can Know

No one can Know

:: 2003 28 June :: 6.16 pm

what have i become?
sometimes i dont even know.
what has got me where i am?
my choices
my thoughts
my situtions
me
there are times when i am so bitter someone without taste buds would cringe.
there are times when i am so soft its like walking though air.
sometimes i dont know the differences between love and hate, because they can both end in pain.
i dont always know how to express my self. most of the times its though words, drawings, paintings, scuptlures, that only i could understand. though my artwork there is usually a hidden message. not everyone can find them, even peope who know me the most dont always see. sad thing is i dont always see until i look back. once more i ask myself a question.

what have i become?
no answer

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:: 2003 19 June :: 10.39 pm

news on the guy i met
i met trunx (not real name) monday. at the time i was almost in tears, sweaty, messy hair, and pants that were full of holes. the last one doesn't bother me much. the reason i was almost in tears was because of my car. we didn't really say much to each other. that night when i talked to thumby i told him that i thought trunx was cute. he laughed. i asked why he laughed, and he said he would tell me the next day. i talked to him tuesday morning. he said he laughed because trunx thought i was cute too. he also laugh because trunx said i looked like a prep. 1 i didn't get how i looked cute in the condition i was in, 2 i am so not a prep. any way, later during the day i got one of those little pop ups that askes if a person can add you to their list. i said sure. i checked my email and i had an email from him just saying who he was. i replyed. we talked for a bit on the internet he told me he thought i was cute. and beautiful (i dont know where he got that idea). wednesday i picked up thumby and we went and picked trunx up. we went and got some food from an ice-cream store, then went to a park. thumby and trunx put 2 picinc tables like a te-pe, put another one on the railing of the zebo, swung on swings, he tried to knock me down, he did, but i tripped him at the same time. it was funny i laughed. later that night we talked on the net again, i got an email address that notmanycanknow and he has sent me a few emails. calling me b-s names like "beautiful" or "cutie" then today we went to rivertown. i rode in the back with him. the car smelled funny because we had a socks off. he bite me a few times. i bit him back. its so much fun when guys are tickleish, esepally him. he licked my cheek. i point to my cheek later, and when he went to kiss me i turned my head so we were kissing on the lips. i thought it would just be quick, it wasn't, then again it wasn't long either. the mall was pretty cool. after we went to the mall we went down town grand rapids and were just driving around. thumby had me drive because he was sick of driving.

to be contuied,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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:: 2003 18 June :: 9.17 pm

i got some sun today.
my mom is so pissy today. if i ask if i can go to the lake she spazes on me. and when i dropepd justin offmy mom followed and just about bit my head off.

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:: 2003 18 June :: 9.12 pm

thumby, why do you do this? remember the last time? i swear i am going to go nuts, he's so cute.

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:: 2003 16 June :: 11.23 pm

not a day
not a day has gone by where i haven't thought about him, what was, and what could have been. i try not to let it get to me. just when i thought i was over him he came back into my life, only to leave again. its for the better i guess. i'm just sick of getting played. it was my mistake to think i could have meant something to him. scary thing is i had a dream about him.
"it was a late evening. the open house tent was still there. my grandma and grandpa were coming over, my parents were going to leave with them. i was ready to go to bed. and then my dad said someone was here, i looked out the window and there he was, his car and all. i was in shock i couldn't believe he came, because of how i talked to him the last time and the fact that he had a girlfriend. i was sitting on the loveseat in the panio room, i had a blanket. he kept getting close to me, i kept moving away, in my mind i was thinking of what a jerk he is, how he has a girlfriend. he tried to kiss me a few times, then he kissed my stomach, he always had a stomach fedish. i asked him why he was doing what he was even though he had a girl friend. he said it didn't work out. i wasn't really surprised. he kept trying to hold me, and kiss me, but i wouldn't really let him. i kept thinking about what he did, and how ally would kill me if i did anything. i told him the thing about ally, he didn't seem to care much, then i woke up."

ally i know you'll read this, and the reason you would "kill me" is because you had told me not to let him come back. i dont think i would, even if he tried, he would have to earn my confidence back first.

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:: 2003 15 June :: 11.17 pm

songs
Christina Aguilera - fighter
Jimmy Wayne - Stay Gone
most of evansncese
saliva - rest in pieces

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:: 2003 14 June :: 11.25 pm

kiss my white ass, jerk
he's a rat bastard, hipocrate, who needs to get his act together, sure he's better off without me, as long as he doesn't come back again i think i'll be fine.

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:: 2003 12 June :: 6.18 pm

kiss my white ace! jerk

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:: 2003 12 June :: 3.45 pm

i'm "faites"
i "peuvent" not "admettre leguel" anymore
"l'�motion" is "rattrpant" me
i'm "faites"
i "avons avaient" it

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:: 2003 11 June :: 11.47 pm

lately i dont know whats wrong, or whats going though my head. people think that i am acting like something is wrong. i tell them no, because i can't think of anything at the time, or i just wont tell the whole story. i can't think of anyone i would tell the whole story too, not even myself. i fear saturday, its my sisters open house. people usually pay more atteion to her when they are at my stuff, so its going to be even worse then. she has been giving me so much crap lately. about anything she can. most of the time i end up saying "its my life not yours" or "you have no right to tell me what i should do with my life" or something like that. its really been driving me nuts. and the guy sitution really doesn't help at all.

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:: 2003 10 June :: 11.01 pm

maybe he would have been better off without me..
maybe everyone would be better off without me..
what do i have to offer?
why do i do this to myself?
they say when you hit bottom the only way you can go is up, not if there is quick sand.

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:: 2003 10 June :: 9.14 pm

i guess its better to be alone..
no one can hurt you...
yet they still do

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:: 2003 9 June :: 10.13 pm

i just feel so alone...........

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:: 2003 9 June :: 8.48 pm

there are times i want to run away, but where would i go. i could drive away, but how far. i could go to a friends house, but it would need to be someone i trust, even then i wont tell them everything. there are times when its like there is only one thing i am good for. just a boys toy. like no one really cares. there are times when i dont know what i am doing, or why its happening. but as usual its my fault. no one said love was easy. but they did say love was kind, there are times when that statement is false. right now i am going to drive away. i am not really sure where.

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