fly defiant

:: 2018 22 June :: 9.51am

on vacation trying to have a good time

feeling like a piece of shit failure

I hate being alive

:: 2018 17 June :: 1.01pm

I have to stop expending my energy on people who don't deserve it.
It's been two years since that interaction occurred. I just learned about it and not from you. It was pure coincidence that I learned about it. You have never told me about it. You expressly hid it because you knew how I would "react." I've put so much into you. I've loved you like a sister. But you're damaged as fuck, looking for sexual attention from anyone you can and it ends up being a betrayal of everything we've had... everything we've shared. And never telling me about it? And me helping you so much directly after that? Years after that? Because I never knew about it. Because I thought you were a real friend. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucked up life and your fucked up family. I don't care anymore. Don't expect a fucking explanation. Piss off.

And you? Everything you have ever said to me was an insult. No one likes you for good damn reasons. You fuck everyone you've ever known. I've tried so hard to be understanding of your situation. I've tried so hard to be there for her and for you and also to be there for you emotionally, as a crutch but you never take responsibility for any of your bullshit. You just continue to fuck up and I deal with it. You never take responsibility for the problems you cause - the things you say or do - and it's not my damn job to forgive all of the mistakes you keep making. I'm your enabler. No fucking more.

Why do I keep becoming attached to little puppy dogs who need my help? Why do I feel like I can save them or change them to help them help themselves? Why do people who I put so much into continue to let me down and abuse my love? Why do people I love keep on taking advantage of me?

I'm not fucking with this anymore. I have enough good friends to not need bad ones.

:: 2018 14 June :: 6.55pm

I want to offer my condolences to anyone who doesn't have a sister or isn't on close terms with their sisters...

because I absolutely love my sister and I would be so lost without her. it's a special connection between sisters, especially when you grow up close in age.

we might not talk every day or see each other all the time, but she always has my back and I always have hers. she helps me see insights into myself I wouldn't have otherwise, and always comforts me even when there isn't anything else to be done.

I just hope she knows that she is the most precious gem I know

1 Nachricht | und was sagst du dazu?

:: 2018 12 June :: 10.51pm

you know you are pathetic when.....

you can't sleep because you are busy thinking about the shitty escalated call out you have to make because another senior representative couldn't do their fucking job.

why is she not held to the same standards as the newer seniors? why are none of them?

WHY DO THEY GET PAID MORE FOR FUCKING UP EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH!?!!

I need a fucking vacation... starting in T minus 3 days and counting down...

2 Nachrichten | und was sagst du dazu?

:: 2018 12 June :: 4.02pm

there isn't anything more than empty conversations filled with empty words.

I keep waiting for someone to save me. I know I have to save myself. I'm too weak. I'm too worthless.im too meek.

all these suicides in the news, and all I can do is longingly dream of the day that I might find peace.

my childhood and adult traumas have led me down this road where I constantly try so hard to have people love me and remain loyal to me. as a kid people told me I was creepy for trying too hard. all I wanted was a friend, to not feel alone,to maybe have the abuse stopped or at least have a sympathetic ear. now as an adult once I do find a friend I try too hard. I let my friends and lovers take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, my time, and I rarely get anything in return, I rarely ask anything in return.

I don't ask, because my needs aren't as important as everyone else's. if I try to cry in front of someone to maybe get a little sympathy, maybe not feel so isolated, I just get pushed even further away by harsh words of judgment. or they run away, afraid of someone else's feelings.

as a child I was cast away to the isle of solitude. there was no devil there waiting for me, a monster I could befriend. instead it was just an empty rock poking out of the bottom of the ocean, and here I still reside, waiting for the day I no longer count another day.

2 Nachrichten | und was sagst du dazu?

:: 2018 11 June :: 9.40am

let me paint in ultraemotion

let me set this thing to hyperfeeling

sentimentality is running high and we have a nostalgia super bonus saved up

just know that you did touch my heart deeply, I think about you constantly and I hope whatever pain is in your heart finds a little peace somewhere in this endless blue sky.

:: 2018 8 June :: 2.31pm

cicadas chripping in the heart of the day

:: 2018 8 June :: 9.50am

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.

:: 2018 4 June :: 4.46pm

After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.

And now, for sleep. All the sleep. u.u zzz

:: 2018 30 May :: 6.30pm

My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.

:: 2018 19 May :: 10.43pm

It's a get-fucked-up kinda night.

:: 2018 15 May :: 9.41am

it's a placebo kinda day

:: 2018 11 May :: 9.26am

every night I go to sleep optimistic that I will not wake up

every day I awaken to the same nightmare

the sets and faces change, but the feelings always remain.

worthless. lonely. isolated. absurd. pointless. grey. empty. devastated. crushed.

I'm just so tired, but sleep doesn't seem to rest my soul. do I even have a soul?

all I feel is blood and bone. no heart. no soul.

4 Nachrichten | und was sagst du dazu?

:: 2018 11 May :: 7.53am

I wish I had someone to talk to

:: 2018 10 May :: 9.47am

wake up
wake up

WAKE UP