godessalthena
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2018 22 February :: 10.16pm
maybe I'm looking for something I can't have...
every song coming on YouTube feels so significant right now. I hate having these stupid fights over nothing. I hate feeling trapped but paralyzed by social anxiety. I have such a hard time making it into a friendship after the first part.
I need to do something with myself I'm losing my God damned mind but nothing sounds like it would be interesting... And cheap. Ugh.
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 20 February :: 12.11pm
It's a lonely world, I know
Gonna get a lonely girl that's for sure
Knowing I hurt you
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 19 February :: 2.06pm
There's always going to be an excuse for you to not come over to my house.
Always.
So no matter how much or often I tell you it hurts my feelings, it's never ever going to change.
Sometimes I really wish I hadn't taken a chance. So I could just be alone and lonely. And I wouldn't have to feel bad about everything because I'm not over my trauma and I'll never be normal.
I'm not worth this.
3 Nachrichten |
und was sagst du dazu?
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goodbye
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2018 18 February :: 11.21pm
I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:
Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.
It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.
Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.
I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.
Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 15 February :: 6.52am
When all you can think about is how lonely you feel
When all you can think about is how lonely every family must feel after losing a child
Or how lonely the best friends of those children feel
Or how lonely the dead children feel
How lonely the world feels
3 Nachrichten |
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 13 February :: 9.42am
Found the journal entry my first boyfriend posted after we broke up... Daggers in my heart but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did so long ago. That was 12 years ago, but it still is deep in my heart.
I say often that I am atoning for past sins in my current days, the scars on my heart from all the people I've wronged or hurt still throb in my mind.
I know I can't make up for everything and I know holding onto these things are detrimental to me. How do you let go, how do you leave the past in the past?
I can feel all the pain in the world, and it mixes with my own. The paints blur together into a grey and dismal portrait and we all know once mixed they can't be separated. Will these paints ever dry and allow me to paint over with something beautiful?
What is even beautiful for a life?
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 6 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: bleachers - dont take the money
When you're looking for your shadow
Standing on the edge of yourself
Praying on the darkness
Just don't take the money
Dreaming of an easy
Waking up without weight now
And you're looking at the heartless
Just don't take the money
You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it
I pray for everything we lost, buy back the secrets
Your hand forever's all I want
Don't take the money
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 5 February :: 4.02pm
I have a very difficult time relating to people who love life
What do you mean you don't want it to end? That's the only part i am looking forward to...
3 Nachrichten |
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 3 February :: 11.40am
I find the face of a woman very comforting
I miss many faces I used to know
But I'm very happy about the faces still in my life
And hopefully I can help them smile once in a while
und was sagst du dazu?
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goodbye
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2018 30 January :: 10.53am
Had a great weekend on the west side. I miss my coworkers. It was nice hanging out with some of them at the baby shower. I really miss M most of all, honestly. Every time I talk to M I feel reassured that I was good at my job. If only they didn't leave and could have been in my corner... maybe I wouldn't have left.
I loved driving that little hatchback rental car. It was so fun and fast and responsive to my touch. I love my car, don't get me wrong... I just would love for it to pickup a little faster.
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 28 January :: 10.51am
I just want to feel loved
How do you keep.gping when all you are at the end of the day is a number
2 Nachrichten |
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 26 January :: 11.59pm
I've been dying to reach you... But my extension cord doesn't reach that far.
There's just no fighting the sadness
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 26 January :: 11.21pm
I wish I was anything but white
3 Nachrichten |
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 26 January :: 9.47pm
Would we even really care cuz the world has ended?
und was sagst du dazu?
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godessalthena
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2018 26 January :: 7.18am
What do you do when someone doesn't think people give them a chance when it's really them not giving anyone else a chance?
Idk. Life is way more challenging than I ever dreamed it would be.
und was sagst du dazu?
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