fly defiant

fly defiant

:: 2017 7 June :: 1.25pm

dear computers everywhere:

FUCK YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHY CANT YOU EVER FUCKING WORK IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FUCKING ONCE DO WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL BUT YOU WONT BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID INANIMATE UNFEELING THINGS THAT EXIST SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

sincerely,
fuck you

und was sagst du dazu?

goodbye

:: 2017 7 June :: 5.39am

Sometimes I don't understand why my friends like me so much... I'm not very attentive. I'm not good at having conversations and not being awkward. I'm not a very kind or generous person.

I suppose I'm caring... but am I really? Can any human truly be so? Often times I wonder whether I'm just attempting to fit a role made up for me... One I don't really belong to or believe in but one I feel I must achieve or show I care about.

Do I really care about anything? Nhialism got ahold of me last summer and it's hard for me to shake it, even though I've been trying. It all continues to seem so pointless in many ways.

I'm a few months away from 30 years old and I still can't figure this thing out. I still can't get a grasp on life and society. I still feel like a child. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like a kid dressing up as an adult. I'm sure my height has something to do with it... but I'm just... I'm not ready... for any of this.

1 Nachricht | und was sagst du dazu?

goodbye

:: 2017 29 May :: 9.09pm

I'm feeling great. Making summer plans. Enjoying life and getting things done!

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 28 May :: 8.56pm

i am so incredibly stoned right night

i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel

i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers

what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here

i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 28 May :: 10.50am

don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 26 May :: 7.34am

every day my heart breaks a little more

empty words spoken by false friends

if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me

just saying you care isn't enough

maybe i should care more too.

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 25 May :: 2.19pm

i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world

what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man

thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills

thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause

all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused

all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity

people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful

and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots

and all the cuts to our benefits

and all the retaliation and politics

and it's all i can do to not burst into tears

everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.

und was sagst du dazu?

goodbye

:: 2017 20 May :: 8.51pm

Runaway runaway runaway runaway

1 Nachricht | und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 15 May :: 10.08am

i said goodbye with my mouth

but my heart still holds you inside

twisted and contorted

did i do the right thing

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 13 May :: 1.26am

as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior

when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss

i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think

sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer
sigh

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 4 May :: 9.27pm

first time playing quarters TOTAL DOMINATION

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 29 April :: 2.34pm

i am so so tired

why so tired

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 22 April :: 10.45am

i think my boyfriend and i have the same cycle

that or he really hates when i do stuff without him

either way i don't like it

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 15 April :: 7.28pm

finally home after the portland trip. concert was bitchin. had a super fun time.

can't tell if i'm depressed or just pms'ing

just love being home so much

und was sagst du dazu?

godessalthena

:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this

und was sagst du dazu?