:: 2003 19 July :: 5.38 pm

its one more day out in the canyon..
you know..i think to truly appreciate how beautiful everything can be..you have to smoke weed..i don't see any other way around it..i mean..you just HAVE to if you want to experiance life to its fullest..

or maybe thats just what its like for me right now because im high..whatever..

im smiling, thats all that matters.

.

:: 2003 17 July :: 12.06 pm

maybe this one will be better than the last..
i waited for that kiss since the first time i saw her last summer..and it came last night, finally.

i don't know what to say really..but i know i don't want to go to Minnesota. I want every night to be like last night, where we laid on her bed and talked for hours onlystopping for the occasinal make out..or her using mango body butter to give me the best god damn backrub i have ever had (2 of them actually). I want to have a huge fucking burrito with her every night..

it was just..right.

i don't know how to describe it, but i think that in itself describes it best.

1 . | .

:: 2003 14 July :: 9.40 pm

i feel god damn great.

:D

1 . | .

:: 2003 10 July :: 7.24 pm

can you speak as the sound hits your ears, one at a time?
so yeah...think i pulled a couple muscles in my back and neck because i ran into Josh at full speed because either i didn't move soon enough or he didn't move soon enough..

and now my computer has its own room instead of being in the dining room, which is nice because i don't have to wear head phones anymore..

thats about it.

that girl was supposed to call me today..she didn't.

oh well.

.

:: 2003 7 July :: 2.27 am

yeah yeah yeah, you cannot run from me darling
so i just spent 4 hours on the phone with this girl i sort of like..im going to her house on tuesday

:)

1 . | .

:: 2003 1 July :: 10.35 pm

dammit..im lonely.
seriously.

and by lonely i mean i want someone in my life that is more than a friend.

2 . | .

:: 2003 18 June :: 8.36 pm
:: Music: pedro the lion - bad diary days

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:: 2003 17 June :: 10.28 pm

The New Trust

the guitarist from benton Falls told me to check out this new band that he plays guitar in..i think they are pretty good so anyone who reads this sould check them out too

.

:: 2003 17 June :: 10.37 am

you try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself to make yourself forget..
so im shopping for jeans yesterday..and i actually went into The Buckle to look for some because american eagle didn't have any i really liked...yeah, if you know the buckle its like this ghetto store..Ecko and whatnot..they carry Eminems new line of clothing..anyways..yeah..skinny six foot tall white boy with poofy hair wearing a pair of jeans that look like they got ran over by a lawn mower and a Jimi Hendrix t shirt..it made me smile on the inside because i was so fucking out of place

But i found a pair of jeans i really liked alot..i looked so damn sexy in them..too bad lucky jeans are 80 fucking dollars because they don't go down to mexico and havea bunch of six year olds in sweatshops making their clothing..their jeans are actually made in America..god damn America.

So now i own my first pair of Levi jeans..they are sexy..but not as sexy as the Luckys..they even have this thing where when you unzip them, the inside of the zipper says "Lucky You"..i wanted to show it to the girl that was helping me because she was pretty hot..but then i realized i wasn't wearing any underwear so that would have made things kind of akward..yep..

california the day after tomorrow..and we are going to Reno, Nevada too, to visit my great grandpa..he lives in the desert so maybe i could find some peyote or something and go on a soul quest. that would be awesome.

Damn..i am so in love with Afroman..i can sing along with most of the songs on this cd i have of him..they are all like 5 minute rap songs..i listen to him all the time..there is just something about how he raps, its just so real..its all about his life and things of that nature..it was crazy, how he dealt crack and weed, growing up in mississippi and shit like that..i love it.

anyways.

1 . | .

:: 2003 14 June :: 9.29 am

the reception fades the signals breaking up
and am I moving on or am I giving up?
If you walk away from this with anything
live your life today.

2 . | .

:: 2003 12 June :: 1.51 pm

well..im going to minnesota on July 22nd..coming back August 18th..and im leaving for California next thursday..coming back on the 29th...so ive got that little dead period between the two trips..with nothing to do..again..

she...arg...damn you.

its turning into anger now..not being sad

2 . | .

:: 2003 11 June :: 9.51 pm

im hott..not hot.

hott.

:)

2 . | .

:: 2003 11 June :: 9.38 pm

i'll sacrifice forever..please..just for tonight.
My mom actually did something semi cool..she has me signed up for this 28 day canoe trip in butt fuck nowheresville, Minnisota..ok, its a "1 million acre roadless park"..im 5th on the waiting list and the lady told my mom that they usually have 6-7 people drop out anyways so i could probably get in..yeah..i think that would be cool..im not much for physical activity...but i do enjoy the outdoors alot..

1 . | .

:: 2003 11 June :: 11.14 am

your wrists are stained red...you say its the trees.
long
lonely
summer

1 . | .

:: 2003 10 June :: 12.16 pm
:: Music: dramamine by modest mouse

1 . | .

:: 2003 7 June :: 5.19 pm

I've got that itch again..no, not the poision ivy i have...i have that itch to walk out to the highway and hitch hike my way to where ever..nothing too bad is even going on right now..its summer, i have no car, no job, no girlfriend..no realy big commitments..and i just don't want to be here...i don't know..i may go for a walk tonight..and i might not come back for a couple days...

.

:: 2003 26 May :: 9.35 pm

so im smoking a ciggarette in the back of andys car, we get pulled over..no big deal, i hide it in the ash tray.

turns out the fucker had been following us for about 2 miles and i get a fucking MIP for tobacco.

its the little things that hurt really.

how many more straws can this camel take?
i don't know.

p.s. - Chuck, sorry about today but things just spiraled out of control and i kind of forgot about recording those other few songs today. So i hope your parents don't mind leaving that pile of shit we call a studio set up in your living room for awhile.

1 . | .

:: 2003 18 May :: 9.51 pm

good times huh..too bad i've already reached my "three songs about her" limit...

..but..i guess you could say im starting to move on...i guess.

.

:: 2003 16 May :: 4.34 pm

its pathetic..im singing some of my own songs that i wrote in my head.
yeah..so on Saturday (the 4th) i got in a car accident..and a really weak one at that. I just went off the road into a ditch because i was looking down at the floor. That wouldn't have been so bad but i slammed into this concrete culvert (those are the tube things that let the water from the ditch run under your driveway) and really really fucked the whole tire/wheel assembly on the front left portion of my car. But its cool..it was too expensive too fix so my dad and i started looking around for another car. he told me that he had seen another tempo on pine island for sale for 600 dollars, so he went and talked to the guy and it turns out that its actually his daughters and its been sitting there forever and if the didn't sell it in a week they were going to have it towed..and since he wanted it gone so bad he sold it to my dad for 100 bucks..500 fucking dollars cheaper for all of you that can't do elementary math (like me..i had to bust out my calculator for that one), so yeah, it was a good deal. And not only that, if we don't get rid of my other car (also a tempo, just three years older) we will have a plethora of free parts in case anything else goes wrong with the one we just bought. I'm going to miss the Blue Racer though..not that anything memroble (spelling?) ever happened in it..although there are those knuckle shaped dents in the hood from where i punched it one night when my mind was all over the place..yeah..i guess thats the only significant memory i have in that car, but im still going to miss it just because it was my first car. Its been replaced though, this new one my dad bought is red so its now known as "The Big Red Rocket of Love"..thats a song by The Reverend Horton Heat, download it. Thats sarcasm for you..its a '93 two door tempo so its not very big, and its sure as hell not a rocket..i remember Ryan saying something to the efftect of "We got it up to 93 and half mph..going downhill..with a chasing wind." about his brothers tempo..good times. Another good thing about it is that i don't have to throw away that 18 fucking dollar wiring harness i bought so that i could hook my cd deck in it...yeah, Ford cars have these special plugs for the radio and shit so you need to buy this adapter..they had them at Meijers for 6 dollars, but they didn't have any that would fit my car so we had to go to Circuit City and bend over and take it so that i could have a cd player. Anyways. I put my deck in the new car about an hour ago...it took me awhile to get it out of the blue racer because even though Chuck told me what to do, i really had no idea what i was doing..but other than that it went perfect.

Even though Chuck and I have had close to zero exposure to the Cedar Springs music scene- (note the extreme sracasm..if you were to divide the majority of people in Cedar Springs by what they listen to you would end up with two catagories: white trash rednecks that listen to either B-93 or 101.3 The Fox (it rocks), and white trash rednecks who don't know they are rednecks that don't know they are white trash rednecks and instead think they are African American urbanites..they listen to 104.5 or 1680 am)- and we also have yet to release any recorded material, though that will soon change as we plan on recording next sunday in his parents living room..we'll take the songs we recorded, burn them onto a cd, and hand them out to anyone and everyone for free. Anyways, back to the point. Even though no one knows about us i have decided on doing a "solo project" already. I'm doing a solo acoustic thing..I've got 4 and 1/16th songs already (the 1/16th of a song is incomplete obviously..i don't know how accurate that fraction is though)..I've been practicing them into the ground seeing as Charlie doesn't live up here so we only practice on weekends and i usually have nothing to do during the days after school. I plan on writing 12-13 songs and maybe do a cover or two.. (i think i've decided on Ben Kweller's version of My Drug Buddy, originally by the Lemonheads..and Nirvana's version of Where Did You Sleep Last Night, originally by Leadbelly)..and record them onto my computer because i have a pretty nice microphone that i never use as far as computer microphones are concerned (it set me back 50 bucks)..yeah..so I'll record them and burn them onto some cd's for anyone that wants them..and since The Bean closed i really don't have any place to preform, so if you know of any coffee shops or places like that that would let me play, leave a comment about it and i'll look into it.

Well, thats enough abbling on..im really speeding right now because i took 100mg of Adderall today..which is twice what i normally take..so exceuse me if i rambled on too much.

2 . | .

:: 2003 6 May :: 11.43 pm

i don't care if its not safe.

maybe it will take that risk to make her realize..and im all about taking risks..seriously..who is the guy that everyone comes to and is like "hey, i don't know what this pill is..will you take it and tell me what happens" yeah, that guy is me..im fucking pill-taker guy.

yeah..so im ready

4 . | .

:: 2003 5 May :: 1.37 pm

well look at that..all those pieces all over the floor, thats my life.

i don't know what to do anymore..wait, don't wait, wait, don't wait..fuck..

and the emails didn't help any jessica, turned an already pretty shitty day into just a totally shitty day..and i still have to go see my fucking counseler tonight..god dammit.

looks like im on a new section of that rollercoaster.

3 . | .

:: 2003 4 May :: 10.42 pm

so i saw ozma tonight..they were pretty good...when they played battlescars it was really amazing. and this one opening band "Earlimart"..they were just fucking great..i really really liked them..to bad i had no fucking money to buy the cd or ep..and someone stole my almost fresh pack of ciggarettes that i left on a table by accident..doesn't anyone have any decency these days?

yeah..the entire way home i was thinking of this big monolouge i was going to say to her..all these things....

and all that came out was.."Um..its really hard for me just to be your friend."

real smooth matt, real smooth...you jackass.

1 . | .

:: 2003 3 May :: 10.49 pm

even though it was only small talk with her..it still made me kind of shaky and jittery.

i think thats a good thing.

unless this turns out to be me fighting and uphill battle just like i did around this time last year.

.

:: 2003 3 May :: 1.49 pm

i had a moment of pure relaxation today..just..it was perfect..The Longest Winter by Pedro The Lion playing in the background, driving down the east beltline, hitting every green light..ciggarette smoke casually drifting across my dash..perfect.

4 . | .

:: 2003 3 May :: 9.27 am

so i decided to sit in my car 6th hour with the radio blasting, AC on, and an open notebook in front of me...this is one of the things that came out..the other is just nonsense that i wrote while waiting for something to come to me.
I don't know what to call it.."Untitled" is pretty cliche..so i tentivley titled it:

"A Reflection on Suicide."

I want the wind to be cold
As it brushes my face
I want to look upon my home
From my vantage point
And forget it ever existed
"He had so much potential." the relatives will say
But I don't care

I want the wind to be strong
As it tries to blow me away
I want to look upon the world
From this vantage point
And get that feeling of warmth
That I know I will never get again
"What a waste." The onlookers will say
But I don't care

I want the wind to be at my back
As it helps me along my way
I want tears of happiness to flow
As I look up at my ever shrinking vantage point
"What a selfish act." my friends will say
But I don't care

If I feel the comforting cold
Of the concrete
One last time

Maybe then
I will care.
-

Yeah, so its no Shakesperian sonnet, but for being whipped up in the heat of the moment with no real pre-thought going into it..it really means alot to me is what i guess im trying to say.

comments, whatever, I don't care.

I need to go play music now.

7 . | .

:: 2003 3 May :: 5.39 am

oh yeah..didn't sleep a wink.

and for the record, im pursuing a little crush i have had for awhile..Erika Childs for anyone who cares..

2 . | .

:: 2003 3 May :: 1.49 am

silence
6 hours, and 45 minutes...of washing fucking dishes.

wonderful. at least i get paid for it and i work at a cool place.

.

:: 2003 29 April :: 8.11 pm

tonight you'll find me alone and getting high.
and so the confusion sets in again..what to do..what to do.

1 . | .

:: 2003 20 April :: 9.35 am

eh..it was a little rouch around the edges, but i think that we did alright for chuck being barely alive.

no one cared anyways.

oh well.

you'll all care when we're famous.

3 . | .

:: 2003 19 April :: 8.25 am

oh yeah, for the record.

i probably won't be making any entries for awhile because im sort of grounded..so don't get all scared that i ran away again and ended up in another crazy hospital

anyways

so long for now.

3 . | .