:: 2003 27 March :: 9.11 pm

well.
this is quite the situation we have here.
i
don't
know
what
to say
anymore.

silence is my best friend and worst enemy

it gives away.

.

:: 2003 26 March :: 9.22 pm

ten years and you're back again.
but i don't want to go back to this.
these kids were not my friends.
high school memories just like a kiss.
forget how they laughed.
forget how i cried.
forget everything.
forget how i lied to myself.
just like a kiss.
and i can't forget how it was.
just like a kiss.
and i can't forget my discomfort.
i'll never forget hiding behind this smile.
i never intended to let them see me while i was afraid.
always hiding behind something.
that something's changing all the time.
it seems i'm crying about nothing.
or maybe it's something i kept inside of myself

.

:: 2003 26 March :: 4.55 pm

yesterday i went outside..
I'm not sure how much longer i can keep it together..everyday gets harder than the last.


closing in on the breaking point.


again.

.

:: 2003 24 March :: 8.49 pm

the spies came out of the water
i don't know how much i should trust this, but eh, it was fun while it lasted..(although i already knew that i have pretty severe paranoia..)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

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:: 2003 24 March :: 6.02 pm

woo..first time skateboarding of the new year and i only fell once..go me.


hah.


*puts on a mask*

.

:: 2003 23 March :: 9.47 pm

its the light wakes me, but the time that breaks me down.
ugh..i wish i knew why..
why i feel like this sometimes.
why i feel this fucking coldness envelope my body and i just want to be detached from everyone..i wish i knew.
again.
ugh.

.

:: 2003 23 March :: 7.21 pm

wow that sucked
what a waste of a fucking day.

.

:: 2003 23 March :: 12.24 pm

silence.
looks like another family function today.


blah.


but this on includes shitty food and distant relatives i don't know at all, but i'm going to be forced to talk to them.


i hate myself and i want to die.

.

:: 2003 23 March :: 1.47 am

i used to be dead, but now im gay
ROAR


i want to leave so bad
shes the only thing keeping me here.

.

:: 2003 23 March :: 12.51 am

we're not those kids sitting on the couch.
can't sleep.


dammit.

.

:: 2003 20 March :: 7.54 pm

without 40 ounces of social skills, im just an ass in the crack of humanity.
Talking with one of my friends online, its made me realize what i have..well, in the relationship area at least. I love jessica, i want to be with her, forever and ever (aww..). I think i might want to have children with her..though im not sure about that because i kind of hate kids. Everytime i look at her i just want to go away wit hher, and be alone, not a care in the world. I wish it was like that..i wish we could spend saturday mornings sleeping in under a down comforter..i wish alot of things.


But i guess im happy with what i have now. I'm just impatient.
and now, the song of the day.


Just becasue i dont say anything,
Dosnt mean i dont like you.
I open my mouth and i try and i try.
but no words came out.

Without 40 oz. of social skills,
im just an ass in the crack of humanity.
im just a huge manitee.
a huge manitee.

And besides your probably holding hands
with some skiny, pretty girl that likes to
talk about bands.
and all i wana do is ride bikes with you.
and stay up late and watch cartoons.


..Ducktails,shirt tails,tail spin, sailor moon,GI joe, robo teck,..


i wanna watch cartons with you.
Jossie and the pussy cats and scooby do,
i want you to watch cartoons with me.

he-man, voltron adn hong kong 3
i tryed to ask you to your face
but no words came out.
put on my hood and walked away,
that dosnt meen i dont like you,
and besides your probably holding hands
with some skiny, pretty girl that likes to
talk about bands.
and all i wanna do is ride bikes with you.
and stay up late and maybe spoon.



Just becase i dont say anything
dosnt meen i dont like you.
..no..
i opened my mouth and i tryed and i tryed.
and besides your probably holding hands
with some skiny, pretty girl that likes to
talk about bands.
and all i wanna do is ride bikes with you.
and stay up late and watch cartoons.

i'm just your average thundercats ho

DAMMIT!..i just realized that the cd i burned today of these guys (The Moldy Peaches) is missing the last verse of this song..fuck..eh..no bi deal..i haven't heard it so don't know what im missing i guess.

1 . | .

:: 2003 19 March :: 4.47 pm

like water drops, why won't this stop? its got me down.
When the trails from the lights become black when i close my eyes for the last time, then i will know that i am truly alive.

.

:: 2003 18 March :: 8.37 pm

what have i done?

.

:: 2003 18 March :: 4.28 pm

A story i wrote. Leave comments dammit.
Once upon a time there was a young man who went by the name of Tom. Tom lived in your ideal American family. A mom, a dad, a 27 inch tv with Dolby 5.1 Digital Surround Sound, a big fucking swimming pool for those hot days in the summer. His family had material wealth. Tom had freedom to do what he wanted, his parents had total trust in him. He was the perfect son, the perfect person. Comparable to Jesus, he couldn't screw up if he tried. He had the perfect life, except he was completely alone. He had no friends, not even a pet, for his father was allergic to anything with more than 18 square inches of hair on it.


Then one day Tom's life changed. He walked into school just like he did every morning, sat in the same spot he always sat in, and buried his nose in some tragi-comedy memoir that would eventually be made into a semi-succsesful film staring John Cusack. But today something changed, he looked up, and there was the most beautiful girl Tom had ever seen. He was in love. He loved everything about her. The way her skin seemed to have a glow to it, the way her straight blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders, the way her Levi's low rise jeans showed just the right amount of her lower back, everything.


Over the next few weeks, a routine developed. Get to school, and fall in love all over again with this girl. She consumed him. His every waking moment was spent thinking about her. She was in his dreams, even if it was some really fucked up dream that involved two cornish hens, and American flag, and a tire iron, she was there. He started writing about her. What things would be like when they got married after high school and had their 2.3 kids and big fucking television. He wrote pages of non-sensical love notes everyday, he would find himself writing her name without even realizing it, but there was one problem.


She had no idea he existed. And he realized it one day. He looked up at his normal time to see her walk by, but he only saw one thing, her hand in another hand. Woven one inside the other like a fine Arabian rug. the kind you would buy for six hundered dollars at the local alternate lifestyle shop that smells of incenses and has drawers full of beads. So there was his heart, on the ground, spit on. Stomped on. Left in the gutter. He ran to the bathroom as the tears welled up in his eyes. He sat on the toilet letting those tears splash to the ground for three hours.


Sure he had a great life, but now he was alone again. Even though he had never even spoken to the girl. Even though she didn't know him other than the fact that he was a brief smudge in the corner of her eye as she walked by him every morning. Even though..even though nothing. She was his
reason for life. He woke up from his dreams about her because she was the last thing he thought about every night. He was in love, and she had ripped apart his heart.


So Tom made a decision. he got up and left school, he had to go home. So he walked the three blocks to his house. As he came upon the house he gave it a good look. He went through the garage, stopping to look at all his old things that had been put into storage. He went into the house, poured a
glass of water, and sat staring at his swimming pool while he drank it.


It was frozen over now, being the middle of January and all. the memories were faded, the ones of splashing around and jumping in. Gone, frozen over just like the pool.


He got up and walked to his parents room, opened the closet door, and got his Dad's gun. He loaded the gun slowly and deliberatley, knowing he was on his last minutes of life. He could sit here and reminesce about childhood innocence and lonliness all day, but why did today matter when he had been doing it his whole life? No, best just to get it over with. So Tom put the gun into his mouth, closed his eyes, and he was gone.

2 . | .

:: 2003 17 March :: 5.40 pm

i need to get out of this hole..
One of my best friends gave me a really fucking good idea today


Two bus tickets to Seattle. It would be nice..dammit, i think im picking up some of her idealism.

1 . | .

:: 2003 15 March :: 9.26 pm

I saw sparks..
So i took a drug test today.
I'm clean.
My parents think i fucked with it to make it say im clean.


Its fucking bullshit..i go through all this trouble to make them trust me and now they trust me even less..i hate this.


I hate this house, i hate this family..the only things here i love are Jessica, my cat, and my guitars. Thats it. Thats all i have.


Its a sorry situation when one of the things you love is an inanimate object, and one of them can't even talk and shits in a box in your room.
Very sad.


This place is suffocating me, pressing my head further underwater every second..the black is closing in from the corners of my eyes and there is nothing i can do to stop it.


blarp.

1 . | .

:: 2003 15 March :: 12.02 pm

I hope you never get her..i hope you know now theres nothing left.
i..
speechless.


I was worried it would change everything for the worse, that things would get weird and everything be over.


Its nice to be wrong sometimes.


This girl..she means everything. I love the way the hair falls over her eyes when she smiles at me. I love all the little things, i love holding her in my arms, i love my hand enveloping hers. I love her touch on the bare skin of my lower back.
I just..love.


Its far to long to wait..even if we were leaving tomorrow, that wouldn't be soon enough. Its going to be the ultimate test i guess.


I'm looking forward to it.

.

:: 2003 13 March :: 9.04 pm

One more time
then I'll know
one more lie
then I'll go away pour another drink and
I'll ease myself into the comforts of your philosophy
try to understand your friend in need

and I'm here to make it easier
you and I are one in the same
we're built alike in so many ways
you can't understand and you won't accept your secrets are all safely kept here

inside we're so lost I can be the one to find you
everything that you deserve
no request will ever go unheard
you're better off without me now
but without me here

you're just better off alone
just wait and see

you're just like me

conversation's getting stale a penny for your thoughts
one small betrayal

does no man know what he's good for does no man want what he's asked for

it takes our design I've spent a lifetime waiting for

the chance to chase these devils away

but they always come smiling when you need ‘em the most
so I'll end this night alone again with nothing to offer and nothing to give
conversations spoken in vein alone so go away
it's easier if I stay
so go away it's easier this way

4 . | .

:: 2003 12 March :: 8.49 pm

give him the number, to call if he cares.
Its like..I don't know what its like. Its undescribeable. I feel like something is sitting on my throat. I can't get anything out or take anything in. I feel like a cold heartless bastard..but...


theres always a but


I am so intensely in love, i don't care that i feel like a cold heartless bastard. Everytime i start to get "down" or whatever you want to call it, i just look to the future and pushes down whatever was trying to surface..but..


another but.


thats not healthy..its getting worse each time. I don't know how much longer i can handle this without opening the mouths again. Ha, an obscure Julias Caeser referance...it starts to feel like someone is pushing them out of my eyes, i don't want them to be there, but they just are you know? and i can't stop them.


I love her.


goodnight

1 . | .

:: 2003 11 March :: 8.23 pm

.

:: 2003 9 March :: 9.39 pm

and now that im all grown, and feeling so alone..why have you brought me here?
tired.




I feel empty. Not just empty..completly void of any emotion what so ever..so like..empty emptiness. Right now, i want cuddling. I want fucking kisses on my cheek. I miss her so much and it hasn't even been a day. I am madly in love, and sometimes it can be worse than being alone. It cannot be described with text how i feel for her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. I would do anything she asked if it got me more time with her. I'm content..


Time..its on my side..soon enough. Be on my own you know? Making the choices i've wanted to make and being who i want to be. I Don't know what it is about this place but i seem to fall into this thing where i just don't act like me around certain people, i hate it.




You listen. I can tell you anything. I had this salamander once when i was a but a wee lad that i always used to talk too..i forgot its name, but i talked to it alot..i guess it was like a journal. yeah.


Why does my mom always have to ask me questions about how my life is going..does she really expect me to tell her everything? like we have this huge open relationship


Yeah


Fucking


Right.


Can't wait to leave.

1 . | .

:: 2003 7 March :: 3.40 pm

The wind is cold alright, back in Dallas
Some sort of sliding or something.
You feel it in the pit of your stomach at first, then it moves up and makes your chest tight.

everyday.

.

:: 2003 6 March :: 7.27 pm

its like me in a song..
"I ask each year
Why am I here
Begging you please
Remembering
I'd rather die than be alone"




Thats just about perfect, i love it.

.

:: 2003 3 March :: 5.31 pm

I'm positive this can't be..this can't be right.
jesus its cold out..I lost feeling to my hands while helping the chief dictator change the oil in my car..and my little toesies too.

I hope this practice actually accomplishes thinking, i think we are afraid to try and fix stuff because that is just proof that we kinda suck..but as time goes on things will get better..before may 10th I hope..

1 . | .

:: 2003 2 March :: 1.50 pm

dammit chuck.
now I have sit here for 5 fucking hours and do nothing.
D:

.

:: 2003 1 March :: 11.21 pm

poetic tragedy
Tonight was..amazing.
I feel so close to her now, i really don't think anything could tear us apart.
I feel so safe when she is in my arms, everything goes away.
It's the most beautiful feeling a person can have.
When I started school this year i wanted a long term, possibaly permanant relationship, well I think I've found it.
She is perfection in a tasty human form.
Its just magical, all the times she says she loves me, it feels like the first time each time.
I never want it to end.

.

:: 2003 1 March :: 4.48 pm

a haiku
snow falls from the sky
a young boy cries and wonders about life
snow melts on his face

.

:: 2003 1 March :: 8.46 am

The glass is not half empty as pessimists say..
to anyone who cares
new email adress
onceagainistandalone@yahoo.com
the old one only gets bullshit emails and im tired of it :/

.

:: 2003 28 February :: 9.26 pm

they spun a web for me

Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!


What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

.

:: 2003 27 February :: 1.50 pm

clickity clickty
Writing is very..hard.
I just don't know sometimes I guess. No one is going to look at me and say "He looks like a writer." I've been told I "look" like a muscian before (whatever that is supposed to mean), but do I have enough intellectual faggotry inside me to "look" like a writer?
I can only hope.
Bah, not like its going to save lives or anything.

.