:: 2004 17 February :: 10.29 pm

I roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as
you are driving me home

then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between
shooting stars and sattelites
from the passenger seat as
you are driving me home

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

when you feel embarrased
I'll be your pride
when you need directions
I'll be the guide
for all time
for all time
--

its real..i know i know it i know it.
i can feel it in me..i can.

she is a gift, and i just had to realize it, she was my sign, the one for me.

its perfect, and i can't stop smiling, and nothing can bring me down.

hes real.

1 . | .

:: 2004 13 February :: 10.16 am

scream scream scream
yeah..i don't know what the deal was yesterday..but i was awake for about 4 hours of it.

i just felt like sleeping..so i slept alot.

i don't know if can have friends anymore..i'll have to think about it.


and as for jessica, im not even going to talk about that here so go away.

i heart molly.

1 . | .

:: 2004 9 February :: 9.18 pm

talking shit about a pretty sunset
ahh...

i feel like i just flopped down onto a fluffy thing.

thats the best way to describe it.

i hope she realizes she isn't alone..i'll talk to her tomorrow.

2 . | .

:: 2004 7 February :: 3.17 pm

add this to my list of "the only clothes i will ever need" along with my jeans and my finch shirt (those are all thats on the list besides this new one)

http://merchnow.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=AOF&Product_Code=Alexisonfire:AOFSKU-Z&Category_Code=SWEATS&Product_Count=0

copy and paste.

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:: 2004 5 February :: 10.42 pm

these are the days of our lives.

god dammit.

shit happens, sometimes you can't worry about other peoples feelings, im sorry.

go on with life.

1 . | .

:: 2004 3 February :: 10.17 pm

sorry if it hurts.
*click*

..into the most perfect balance ever.

i could feel your hands tighten into my back and i was the happiest i've ever been.

2 . | .

:: 2004 2 February :: 9.53 pm

it felt like the last piece just fell into to place today...

its just..too good for words.

im so happy.

1 . | .

:: 2004 28 January :: 10.54 pm

i dreamed the same dream..but i was too scared to tell you
i have alot i want to say..

..but words just don't seem right.


will it hurt if i have to turn my back?

.

:: 2004 21 January :: 10.01 pm

its tough being confused
scared really

i hope this doesn't hurt

2 . | .

:: 2004 12 January :: 9.24 pm

Viõrar Vel Til Loftárasa....i don't know what it means either.
i swear.
if i could believe, i would.

if i had you
i wouldn't need drugs anymore
i might even be able to quit smoking ciggarettes
though im not making any promises.

you light up the darkness.

i could be a good person if i had someone to help me.

6 . | .

:: 2004 4 January :: 10.39 pm

my star is fading, and i swerve out of control, if i'd only waited..i'd not be stuck here in this hole.
thats right.
stuck.
thats how i feel.

and i know ill get a comment from someone saying "well we all feel like that sometimes."

heres a fucking newsflash buddy.

im not part of "we all".

i've realized that 2..maybe 3 people understand me.
So i feel stuck.
I don't feel like i can talk to anyone about whats really wrong.
what i know is wrong..

well, maybe not talk to anyone..but i just can't find the right person to talk to.

maybe that will change tomorrow.

maybe i'll get in a car accident in all this snow and not even make it half way through tomorrow.

who the fuck knows.

2 . | .

:: 2004 4 January :: 10.39 pm

my star is fading, and i swerve out of control, if i'd only waited..i'd not be stuck here in this hole.
thats right.
stuck.
thats how i feel.

and i know ill get a comment from someone saying "well we all feel like that sometimes."

heres a fucking newsflash buddy.

im not part of "we all".

i've realized that 2..maybe 3 people understand me.
So i feel stuck.
I don't feel like i can talk to anyone about whats really wrong.
what i know is wrong..

well, maybe not talk to anyone..but i just can't find the right person to talk to.

maybe that will change tomorrow.

maybe i'll get in a car accident in all this snow and not even make it half way through tomorrow.

who the fuck knows.

1 . | .

:: 2004 3 January :: 12.55 pm

my new year..

it was alright..kind of fuzzy, but i had a good time.

i heard about these two guys, one i met before, who got gang beat by like 7 or 8 guys..i know who they all were, and i'd be scared to get in a fight with one of them...i had a nightmare about it too..it sucked.

so..thats about it i guess.

.

:: 2003 23 December :: 11.19 pm

i got to the car, drove far, decided to stay away. with my foot on the gas, drove past all of the shit i needed to say.
i..

..don't know how to describe what is happening inside my own head.

but i can't control it.

and its not helping.

2 . | .

:: 2003 22 December :: 10.17 pm

teeth like god's shoeshine
if anyone wants to donate a patch cord so i can use my amp please feel free to drop by my house and give me one.

in other news.

there is no other news.

im going crazy here too!

IMAGINE THAT!

fucking told you.

1 . | .

:: 2003 21 December :: 5.50 pm

this is the place we built inside..a place for sixes..suns and cows..little things like memories
you know..i got happy last night, for a long time.

tia and scott got married, and even if people say its not right and all that bullshit..i realized that Scott was the happiest person i have ever seen in my life. And it just made me feel so happy for him, im saying happy alot, but i don't know another word for happy at the moment.

yeah, but just seeing him so...overjoyed..really got to me and brought up to a point where nothing could bring me down.

good for him you know....fuck the naysayers.

and her (who im not ready to mention yet)..i think of her and im happy...so its just good.

good.

and for once, i think i know..im not sure what..but i think i know.

1 . | .

:: 2003 19 December :: 10.59 pm

house of a jealous lover
so i sleep in my bed tonight..for the first time in 3 1/2 months..

yeah..i came back. to my parents that is.
i don't know exactly how well its going to work
we're still feeling things out a bit.

damn i need a ciggarette.

maybe i'll steal one from my dad tonight..just like old times.

or maybe i'll just ask him for one..im not sure how he would react..it would mean so much more than just a ciggarette..

I hope they are starting to realize that i've changed quite a bit.

i wonder if anyone realizes..or maybe its just me noticing things different about myself that no one else would notice..because i do know me better than anyone else.

.

:: 2003 9 December :: 6.18 pm

Remember me for the times I ruined you..
am i guilty of slowing killing someone?

its starting to seem like it..i didn't realize it hurts her to this day..or pisses her off..or that she still thinks about..

sure i get a little tingle everytime i see her..i don't know what it means..i don't look into it really..but.,.

what kind of fucking horrible person am i that i didn't realize this before

im fucking shallow stupid horrible overrated piece of shit waste of space waste of time forget about me because all i do is hurt people and trouble people and im just a fucking load that everyone has to carry..

.

:: 2003 17 November :: 3.43 pm

this is a .44 caliber love letter straight from my heart.
sometimes being here doesn't feel right.
its too structured..i miss the thrill of not knowing what was going to happen within the next hour.

And lately it seems like my paranoia is really getting to me.
3 days in a row i laid on that futon late at night almost crying because i felt like everyone was against me or they had some plan to cut me out..

why am i the faggot
why am i the bitch
why am i the one that everyone seems to make fun of
or call stupid
or ignore
or not try to understand
or listen

in Grand Rapids, i was doing everything for myself..i didn't try to please anyone but me.

Some people that i met or knew before may have gotten hurt in the process, which wasn't like me..because i honestly believe that i never try to hurt some one..and that "not trying to hurt someone" mentality came back when i came home..and its making me fucking insane..

im sorry that i just can't say mean shit, joking or not, to my best friends..

its driving me insane though..the paranoid thoughts..either i get my medicine back again and learn how to deal with it again, or leave again..

and once again..i don't know..nothing i ever think is conclusive..

thats why i can't write a god damn book.

3 . | .

:: 2003 6 November :: 6.57 pm

even if you spun cartwheels with sparklers in your hands it wouldn't be enough for me.
wow.

i just about punched one of my best friends uncles in the face (hes adoptated our they're his gaurdians or something).

So i go there and i ask if i can see Dan, and Gary (uncle), and he says "hes studying right now, i don't want anyone to bother him." so i ask him if i could use his phone to call josh and he said josh was here earlier looking for me and blah blah..he brings the phone out and i dial joshes number and i put the phone to my ear and Dan is already talking to someone on it, and i'm like "Hey Dan.", but before i can ask him if he can hangup so i can call josh really quick, Gary says "I told you you couldn't talk to Dan." and he grabs the phone with his right hand, my wrist with his left hand, and he pulls back his right, like he is going to punch me and i just about drop him right there, but i stop and think that i don't want to get the law involved, so i don't. Then says "You need to get off my property right now" and i reply "You need to chill out right now" and i tried explaning to him what was going on, and just yells at me to leave and not come back, so i walk away and i say back to him, "Dude, i think you're the one that needs to go to the mental hospital." (dan just got back from one because his parents sent him there)

Anyways, that was really fucked up and i just had to write it..

later.

4 . | .

:: 2003 27 October :: 11.27 pm
:: Music: some new band i found "alexisonfire" they rock.

1 . | .

:: 2003 23 October :: 1.55 am

so ive been homeless for a month

im alive..

whatever, too much to type..and if i feel like telling anyone about what ive done, ill get ahold of them, because i don't have a phone yet..or an adress even, whatever.

later.

1 . | .

:: 2003 3 September :: 9.54 pm

i discovered painting today.
i'm going out ot buy painting shit on saturday or sunday probably.
its just so much god damn fun.

2 . | .

:: 2003 30 August :: 12.15 pm

just ahead i see you winding up..
"I love you."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."
-

It was a good night last night, Equilibream (however you spell that) is a badass movie..Christan Bale does another amazing job..

There is alot of other things i could say
but i think i would be like..i don't know the word, but a certain person might reply in not so nice manner, and i really don't feel like coming down from this cloud im on at the moment, so i'll save those things for a little later.

yeah.

It feels more permanant than anything else i've ever done in my entire life.

.

:: 2003 28 August :: 10.05 pm

maybe this time things will work out

maybe this time...

..my words mean more.

1 . | .

:: 2003 23 August :: 11.37 pm

Thats how it was on the first day, when we saw Paris in flames.
i went to jaymes tonight..we hung out for awhile and she gave me a nice backrub.

Then we ventured out of her house and went to Gold, where i saw a face i hadn't seen in awhile, none other than Dave. He seemed pretty happy to see me and we talked for about half an hour and caught up, i got his phone number, then we left.

I guess it upset Jayme that i kind of ignored her for awhile..but i hadn't seen Dave in a long time so whatever..

I think its hard for her to understand that someone that isn't her Dad, cares about her alot.

I'm starting to fall in a good way again, hopefully it doesn't end in flames.

.

:: 2003 23 August :: 12.35 am
:: Music: ringing in my ears because ive been around insanely loud music since noon

.

:: 2003 21 August :: 12.05 pm
:: Music: ruiner

.

:: 2003 19 August :: 11.16 pm

no lights..no music.
so im back from minnesota.

All in all it was worthwhile venture. My body is in the best condition its been in my whole life..don't mind the half a pack of ciggarettes i smoked today..im tan all over except for my upper thighgs..hair is lone (its getting trimmed tomorrow because matt has to become a working man again), and im just at peace pretty much..

I made 2 new friends and 2 new enemies, but those enemies i will never see again, so fuck them.

I saw pristine lakes surrounded by sheer cliffs. I even saw a 1,300 year old cedar tree. Waterfalls, poison ivy, mooses, bears, deer, fish, loons, and ducks..i saw all of those too. Sunsets that will be emblazened in my mind for a lifetime or two. I chickened out of a 60 foot repel down a cliff, but i climbed two other cliffs that were twice as high. I carried a 70 pound canoe for 2 miles one time. I pushed myself to the limit, took a ten minute break, and pushed some more. Every night i fell asleep to the collective buzz of millions of mosquitoes and flies. I paddled in fog so thick you couldn't see the other half of the canoe you were sitting in. I swam in crystal clear waters that are remenents of glaciers that carved that land tens of thousands of years ago. I cried at night from missing the ones i loved. I laughed at night from enjoying my time with the only people i had. I walked through woods where no human had been in well over a year. I stood in the middle of a forest while a massive lightning storm raged around me, and i saw that storm clear and the sun come out..

Every morning when i walked out of the tent, i counted down the days until i went home..and now im sitting here typing this, and im counting down the days until i go back next summer.

I'm not changed, just self aware.

goodnight.

2 . | .

:: 2003 19 July :: 11.41 pm

yeah..leave tomorrow morning at six for minnesota, ill be gone for a month so you (the ones who actually read this) wont hear from me..

later.

.