charlie
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2024 1 April :: 4.35pm
:: Music: Touché Amoré
Somehow it's already been a year.
Somehow it's already been a year
Embracing other versions to make this feeling disappear
Now I just feel you everywhere
It coincides with the guilt of knowing that I wasn't there
I was told that wouldn't have known
Told myself I was where you'd want me to be
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
How has it already been a year?
I skip over songs because they're too hard to hear
Like track two on "Benji" or "What Sarah Said"
They just hit too close when I'm already in my head
I was told you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
Somehow it's already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven't found the courage to listen to your last message to me
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charlie
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2023 19 April :: 10.02pm
Matt Hinton was an artist.
So, in full disclosure, things aren't well.
I'd been struggling with some stuff for a while. Work stuff. Scared about my parents and kid getting older. Midlife crisis stuff. I'm 40 now. I joined this site when I was 18. That's a legacy.
Anyway, stuff got kind of bad and I took a short Pine Rest Vacation last month. I'm doing my middle aged millennial thing now. I read self help books. I see a therapist. What we all do. I've been getting by and telling myself that I'm doing alright as long as nothing major happens.
Then today the news broke about Matt. Matt held a special place for me in a sensitive time in our lives. A time when Woohu was thriving. That's why I'm posting here. This seems like the proper venue.
I'm upset that we drifted apart. I suppose that can't be helped. We went to a concert almost exactly seven years ago. He seemed to be doing well and we had a blast.
Along with the therapy stuff, I've been Journaling. I want to compose my thoughts over the coming days and write him a proper eulogy. In the meantime, I felt I had to publicly cope like this.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health, the Partial Hospitalization Program at Pine Rest can be helpful.
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charlie
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2022 8 August :: 1.57pm
:: Music: Big Ups
I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life.
I need to treasure every minute
The fact that I'm here and I'm living within it
Sometimes I feel like the pace of my life's too fast
And I think about the time that's passed
I can't remember what happened yesterday
The day before, or anything, at any rate, anyway
I think what I'm trying to say is
I don't wanna live a life like this
What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
And the fear consumes me as they start to lose me
What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
No, because I haven't done anything
I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life
Then how come all I can remember is the strife
Fear comes and it takes its hold
And I'm afraid of getting old
And then suddenly I need a way out
Because I can't just let my memories fade in and fade out
I need something new
But I'm stuck with what to do
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charlie
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2020 4 August :: 3.30pm
:: Music: JTB
They're playing love songs on the radio tonight. I can't relate to that right now.
I live in a hotel, I must keep writing
If I'm to be better than everyone else
Like figure skating, like asphyxiating
On your own seeping fumes, you're just waiting
Living in a hotel, I'm not traveling
Between two points, in midair I'm levitating
Above the earth, beneath the sky, with eyes like static
In my three feet from bed to wall sleeps a genius
Leave me here to my devices
The call could come at any time
They're playing love songs on the radio tonight
I can't relate to that right now
Note to self, no one cares, your voice is average
In worried piles I typed for miles, you just stood there
I will begin, I will put right this morning terror
I have been kissed between the ears with human error
Leave me here to my devices
I need a word to change my life
I've tied my ankles to the table legs with wire
He can't write so much as type
Leave me here to my devices
I can't think with all this noise
They're playing love songs on your radio tonight
I don't get those songs on mine
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
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charlie
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2020 5 June :: 10.54pm
:: Music: WPE
Love how you disappear, if I need you
You're sleeping, I get that, I want you to know that I try
To figure out, where I'm going
And where I'm sleeping, and how much emotion is showing
And one can only imagine the things that you think of
I want to see the country, without goodbyes
But I can't afford that, so fuck my life
And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry
When did I leave the seventh grade?
You feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away
You say I lose things, that I can't find
There's no more covers, left to hide in
You say I'm lazy, incompetent, I'm always too tired to try
Everyone's stuck, living their "skewed up version of life"
And now I have a job, and Bobby's living in Tallahassee
I wish I had tried more
And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry
When did I stop thinking this way?
I feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
Your words can't make my problems go away
And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry
When do I stop feeling this way?
I feel sick, you're tired, we don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away
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charlie
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2020 27 May :: 6.20pm
:: Music: A3
Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true.
If you keep on telling your friends that we're through.
I've got nothing here but loneliness
Holes in walls and bleeding fists.
My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song.
Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone.
Won't listen to myself or anyone.
You got on a plane and off you went.
You're never coming back again.
I'm trying to convince myself it's true.
Convincing myself
I'll be just fine without you. [x3]
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself it's true.
I sit here trying to convince myself it's true.
But you keep on pretending you have no clue.
I'd kill for you and eat the flesh.
Give you the heart and burn the rest.
A thousand miles ain't shit to walk if I'm walking to hold you but
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself it's true.
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charlie
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2019 4 October :: 9.27pm
:: Music: Murder City Devils
So carve it in rock
I tears of prayer
Everyone knows
What it's called
Does a steamer help
I am I say
I am I cry
Inoculated safe
In my pale disguise
I too have dreams
They sometimes arise
I only have one thing to say
My only call
So carve it in rock
And let it be known
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
It's all I have to say
It's my only hope
It's the whole of my truth
It's the truth worth to be told
Might I tell
And fortunes unfold
May I be instead
Most of all
So carve it in rock
And let it be known
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
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charlie
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2019 11 June :: 7.12pm
:: Music: Flatliners
Grab me by the throat. Your hands are freezing cold
And fingernails tear nice and slow. You know
I'm not afraid of all the things you think about
When you're alone swallowing your day
Hold on tight. Just hold on tight
Cataclysmic prose. Eye sockets will erode
When days to weeks to months seem half full
Yet I can't impose with another wilted rose
You'll feel this when you see how I've grown
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in
It's 2:30 AM. Years become layers of skin
I've shed them all but I'm not done yet
Heavy hearts my friends, come sing in unison
And drag me out of this hole I'm in
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in
Are you breathing?
Stay broken
I've earned my bitterness
My legs are planted firm in transit-stance
For this dead romance
Grab me by the throat. Your hands are freezing cold
And fingernails tear nice and slow. You know
I'm not afraid of all the things you think about
When you're alone swallowing your whole...
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in
We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
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charlie
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2018 23 December :: 9.23am
I've spent so long thinking about how I've gotten old that I didn't even realize that my parents have also gotten old. In the last year they've had a total of five stays in the hospital and now I dread that this may be the last Christmas I have with both of them.
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charlie
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2018 25 October :: 4.04pm
:: Music: Menzingers
Waiting for your life to start, then you die? Was your heart beating in the first place?
Two years ago today I made a pretty big career change. Not that my old job was much of a career. It was a summer job I took just for the health insurance benefits so I could fix my back, but I ended up staying 12 years. I really enjoy what I'm doing now, despite still feeling a lot of shame for never finishing college. Years ago I was told that I'd never make anything of myself. Now after spending what has literally been half my life trying to prove otherwise, I'm just really aware of my failures. I don't even know what I was hoping to do specifically. I just wanted some sort of achievement upon which I could hang my hat that would make people go, "That Charlie is alright." I went about it all wrong too. I looked over my old posts on here and it was like I was just trying to amplify whatever parts of my personality I thought made me look cool, or witty, or sexy, or intriguing, or smart. I ended up making caricatures of myself. The struggling musician, the passionate lover, the lovable alcoholic, the political radical, the wounded artist. None of it was really me, just the narcissistic ideas of what I thought I should be. At the same time I'd constantly air my dirty laundry and bad mouth nearly every person in my life at one time or another. It was as if destroying them would lift me up and put me closer to being something special. I still don't know if I've amounted to anything, I probably never will, it's not my place to say. But if I truly had to define myself now at 35, I'd be forced to say, "college dropout, twice failed husband, decent electrician, and father." I like the last one. He's just as weird as I was when I was his age, I just hope he doesn't make as big of a mess of things as I have.
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charlie
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2018 16 October :: 4.48pm
:: Music: Ruiner
And in my free time I sing hardcore songs as heartfelt acoustic ballads
And what the fuck do I know?
But broken hearts, some unsung songs
I never had it hard it enough
So I drag my feet as much as I can
The product of excuses
Brave only compared to some
I consider myself a lucky kid
But I’m pretty good at fucking up
Young, Angry and White
A victim of the middle class
So much to prove
So much to say
When will I be done screaming?
Never take me seriously
Cause who the fuck am I
Just some awkward kid
From a shitty town
No different than any of you
Quick with exaggeration
Philosopher to some
But a story teller to anyone
Who, is truly listening
I’m inspired by
The fact that I
Still get out of bed
I’m over dramatic
Most of the time
Attention whore,
Known to be ill tempered
I got a way with fucking words
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charlie
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2018 7 October :: 5.30pm
Eight years without an update.
Still the same person.
Still have my hairline, it's just grey as hell now.
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holiday
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2014 5 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy
Well hey there...
I can't believe I remembered my password. It's been a long time.
I'm really excited this is still here, even if I find most of my posts to be annoying. I'm still glad.
Life is... an everyday struggle, trying to keep your head above the water...
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happygolucky4646
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2011 28 September :: 2.58pm
:: Mood: predatory
Whoa...This is still here.
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charlie
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2010 19 September :: 4.40pm
In case anyone still reads this, and hasn't already heard, I'm running for Congress this year.
www.PickShick.org
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happygolucky4646
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2008 1 May :: 10.17am
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keltoesx
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2008 23 April :: 2.27pm
still retired
Journal still retired just putting a "want ad" up.
If anyone knows of anyone getting rid of puppies for LOW cost, please let me know.
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keltoesx
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2008 19 April :: 10.46am
:: Mood: amused
grow the fuck up!
grow up and stop causing so much fucking drama over the internet. you just can't seem to let things go can you? even though none of this had to do with you in the first place. you just butted in and kept going and going. and you say I'm the one that needs to get over myself and get a life? i think you're really talking about yourself. whatever. leave me the fuck alone and grow the fuck up.
oh and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you.
This journal is now retired due to fuck heads who can't mind their own business.
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holiday
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2008 16 March :: 12.07pm
everything was so new. it goes so fast.
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holiday
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2008 11 March :: 11.19pm
nope not true. just sayin.
oh, and...
i miss everyone!
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holiday
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2007 8 November :: 1.12am
Yep I still check this from time to time
Wow it's been a long time since I posted. Let's see....what's up with my life...
Caleb turned a year old on Oct. 26! Yay. He had his doctor appt on Tuesday. Stats when he was born: 6 lb 10 oz, 19 in long.
Stats when he was a year old: 22 lb, 32 in long
He is soooooo tall! Seriously, he's in the 97% ! He's 97% taller than all other 1 year olds! The doctor said with his height he's the size of a normal 17-month old. But his weight is just normal.
Carazy. This year has gone so fast. I am in my 3rd year at GRCC still no sign of graduating anytime soon. ha. Still cookin up good things all the time. Not working right now, just a stay at home mommy. Charlie and I are doing great. We're living in Wyoming right now, but we might be moving to Traverse City in the next couple years. It's sad I don't really have much to write about after all this time. Except Caleb, he's wonderful.
He's brought so much to my life, I love him so much.
Anywho I need my beauty sleep, HA! Nah, I have a date in the morning with a little boy to watch Clifford cartoons!
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keltoesx
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2007 13 September :: 3.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Bright Eyes
I just have to tell the world and this is as close as I can get
I'm going to a Bright Eyes concert! That's right me at a Bright Eyes concert. Jealous much? haha. Floor seats and everything! I'm so excited!
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shadowcow
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2007 22 April :: 2.55pm
You know...
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holiday
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2007 3 April :: 5.10pm
Hilary Shick:
Hilary Miller:
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holiday
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2007 12 March :: 6.34pm
Spring! YAY!
Caleb and I took a long walk outside today. And I went to the store and bought a bunch of seeds and stuff to plant. And some birdseed. And we're going to buy some paint to paint with. haha. Wow I just kind of got out of the lazy winter mood all in one weekend. Yesterday Charlie and I cleaned the house like crazy. I love spring!
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holiday
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2007 23 February :: 5.09pm
I'm just having a really good day.
Caleb is one of my biggest joys. Every day I look at him and think about how lucky I am. He is so much fun. I love watching him learn. He's smiling and laughing and creeping around, trying to roll over. The other night I put him to bed, head to the left, feet on the right. Charlie got up with him in the morning and there he was, smiling, feet on the left, head on the right. It makes me smile everytime I think about it. He's the sweetest baby I've ever seen. I just can't believe how much I love him. I knew I'd love him, but I can't believe how much. And I love Charlie. We're having so much fun together. This is so great. I love our family. Oh my gosh I love our family. I love where we live, I love my son, I love my husband, I love my friends, I love that school is almost over, I love my family of course.
Okay, sorry that was so full of love, not my typical entry, lol. Hormones? Possibly.
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holiday
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2007 1 February :: 6.15pm
Totally.
Totally didn't go to class today. Totally no regrets about that. Totally wearin my pjs all day. Totally watching Grey's tonight. Totally lots o snow outside. Totally...
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holiday
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2007 24 January :: 4.22pm
Caleb is rockin the camera
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holiday
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2007 24 January :: 9.10am
Well it's kind of been a while. It's so hard to get up at 6:30 every morning. I am not used to this yet. Definitely not getting enough sleep. School is going well. Caleb is doing very well. He was weighed yesterday by the nurse and he weighs a whopping 12 lbs. 10 oz. now. He's in the 50% percentile. And he's 24 inches long, he's in the 75% percentile. I think he's going to be very tall. He's just a happy little boy, always smiling and laughing and cooing. He talks so much. And he's a good cuddler.
Other than that things have been good. I'm going to go buy an elliptical in a couple days, I am so excited. I've lost 10 pounds in a few weeks. yay.
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holiday
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2007 11 January :: 9.01am
Sooo... Back at school. Early. I got up at 6:30 this morning! And my first class was only a half hour long. And my second class doesn't start until 10:30. And I'm excited about pottery tonight with Becca!
In other news...
Caleb is 11 weeks old today, where does the time go?
And....
He started sucking his thumb! It's so adorable! He's gotten really good at it overnight. Yesterday he tried and tried and then overnight he got the hang of it. This morning on the monitor I heard "smack smack smack" and I knew exactly what he was doing and it made me smile. :-)
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