The Legend of ...PHIL HIMSELF

The Legend of ...PHIL HIMSELF

:: 2024 1 April :: 4.35pm
:: Music: Touché Amoré

Somehow it's already been a year.
Somehow it's already been a year
Embracing other versions to make this feeling disappear
Now I just feel you everywhere
It coincides with the guilt of knowing that I wasn't there
I was told that wouldn't have known
Told myself I was where you'd want me to be
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
How has it already been a year?
I skip over songs because they're too hard to hear
Like track two on "Benji" or "What Sarah Said"
They just hit too close when I'm already in my head
I was told you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
Somehow it's already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven't found the courage to listen to your last message to me

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

charlie

:: 2023 19 April :: 10.02pm

Matt Hinton was an artist.
So, in full disclosure, things aren't well.

I'd been struggling with some stuff for a while. Work stuff. Scared about my parents and kid getting older. Midlife crisis stuff. I'm 40 now. I joined this site when I was 18. That's a legacy.

Anyway, stuff got kind of bad and I took a short Pine Rest Vacation last month. I'm doing my middle aged millennial thing now. I read self help books. I see a therapist. What we all do. I've been getting by and telling myself that I'm doing alright as long as nothing major happens.

Then today the news broke about Matt. Matt held a special place for me in a sensitive time in our lives. A time when Woohu was thriving. That's why I'm posting here. This seems like the proper venue.

I'm upset that we drifted apart. I suppose that can't be helped. We went to a concert almost exactly seven years ago. He seemed to be doing well and we had a blast.

Along with the therapy stuff, I've been Journaling. I want to compose my thoughts over the coming days and write him a proper eulogy. In the meantime, I felt I had to publicly cope like this.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health, the Partial Hospitalization Program at Pine Rest can be helpful.

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

charlie

:: 2022 8 August :: 1.57pm
:: Music: Big Ups

I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life.
I need to treasure every minute
The fact that I'm here and I'm living within it
Sometimes I feel like the pace of my life's too fast
And I think about the time that's passed
I can't remember what happened yesterday
The day before, or anything, at any rate, anyway
I think what I'm trying to say is
I don't wanna live a life like this

What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
And the fear consumes me as they start to lose me
What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
No, because I haven't done anything

I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life
Then how come all I can remember is the strife
Fear comes and it takes its hold
And I'm afraid of getting old
And then suddenly I need a way out
Because I can't just let my memories fade in and fade out
I need something new
But I'm stuck with what to do

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

spud	:: 2021 3 May :: 3.53pm :: Mood: Seasonal A staggering proportion of humans are allergic to the semen of plants. A perennial reminder. Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

spud

:: 2021 29 April :: 11.03pm
:: Music: Tauk - Sir Nebula

Jet Lag

I used to have arguments with my uncle about language. I insisted that there were grammatical structures and rules in place in order to keep the meaning of language consistent. If we are to communicate and exchange ideas, it is critical to have the same words and sounds mean the same thing to both parties, in order to successfully transmit all information in the idea accurately. I thought that the rules helped to keep those meanings from shifting.

His primary contention was that language was alive, constantly evolving and changing in meaning. Different languages cherry pick words and phrases from other languages, sometimes at random, sometimes by conquest. New words are constantly being born, while old words slowly die off and are forgotten. I think he viewed slang as some kind of nursery for future linquistic possibilities.

I have to admit, he may be right.

After all, they condensed an extremely specific phenomenon - in which one traverses the surface of the planet at such an incredible rate, that their biological rhythms have difficulty adapting to the dramatic change in diurnal cycle - into just two syllables.

1 Agree PHIL-HIMSELF is THE MAN | Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

gillette

:: 2021 16 April :: 11.24pm

How do you help yourself when you feel all of the feelings and anxiety of everything around you so deeply.

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

spud

:: 2021 1 April :: 10.30pm
:: Music: The Great Outdoors (1988)

life goes on, man.

finished a painting gig today. gonna try to hold off on any more work until after the trip to phoenix. aside from the laundry list of chores amassed for me by past chris. occasionally he surprises me, but usually he just kicks the cans down the road for future chris to deal with. hopefully some dedicated time will help future chris in his efforts.

-----

the spirit of god is alive wherever people are helping others, and growing in understanding. in places where people are wrongly harming others, the spirit is dead. even if that place is a church. or a school. or a home.

this may sound like a bummer, but it is actually very encouraging to witness the spirit thriving in many diverse and unlikely places. don't let the trimmings fool you. look at the people. see who's helping. join them. doesn't really matter where.

<3

4 Agree PHIL-HIMSELF is THE MAN | Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

spud	:: 2021 13 March :: 8.43pm :: Music: Breaking Bad There's a Martian yelling, "CUT! BOOM IN THE SHOT. EVERYBODY BACK TO ONES!" but you can't hear it above the wind noise. Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

pop-tart

:: 2020 21 September :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Cascada - Evacuate the Dance Floor

OKay... We'll start small.
Gotta be honest right?... anxious and overwhelmed is not a new new feeling but talking about my feelings intensifies those emotional reactions. I am not even sure anyone will avidly read my posts. knowing people might read them at all intensifies my anxiety.... *deep breath* okay... um. My music is positive. That is a reflection of my emotional state past the anxiety. its not a bad day. Its nice out. I am getting around at some point and taking the dogs up north for a few days. I have no immediate financial concerns or responsibilities to deal with. I have kind of set myself up with a comfortable period for mourning. I know there is no right way to grieve but I feel what I have been doing is not working. I see a pattern of behavior developing that is dangerous for me and I need to try something else... so here this is.... I can already hear the little therapist in my head pushing me to share more... I will try to get there. Today I must start small. Today I miss my brother very much, Today I dont want to cry, but I will. I will also smile and love. Some parts of my day are gonna hurt. It all sucks right now and its so overwhelming.

So here are some of the major thoughts bouncing around my head....

I wonder how my ex is doing in a very passive aggressive way. I have a lot of anger over the person he turned out to be and didn't anything remotely like closure. But given the opportunity I cannot think of anything to say that would be worth the breath. part of me hopes he is doing bad cause I think he is a dickbag and its be nice if karma were real. but, also, part of me hopes he is doing well. Im not a soulless harpie who just stops caring for someone instantly.... I think thats all fairly normal after a break up.

I worry alot about how my younger brother is grieving and what he has lost. I stress about not knowing what to do or say to help him.

and there has been so much change lately I feel like I am left without a direction to move in. I cant even see whats out there my head is so foggy.... and I am afraid Im going to stay frozen... and overwhelmed...and not move anywhere.... and loose time.

time is too precious to waste like that...

so on that note. I am going to go pack for the woods. Just me and the dogs spending a few days in "sanctuary". That is what it is for me. Home. 20 acres in newaygo and a little pop up I renovated. I plan taking the dogs fishing in the canoe on Wednesday. its supposed to 77. post again when I am home.

2 Agree PHIL-HIMSELF is THE MAN | Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

pop-tart

:: 2020 21 September :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Mnt Joy - Silver Lining

Hello Ghosts of the Past.
... can you hear me?

I cant believe this place is still a thing.... I am extremely happy it is. I need a safe place to document all the shit floating around in my head before I drown in it.... So much dramatic change in such a short time. So much grief and emotion to deal with. It fucking sucks. That's the nature of the beast. Life carries on. Weather you want to deal or not. Its fucking hard... and this journal holds me grammatically responsible. I love that... no half thought out, momentary, spaz blabbery, posted out to a mass of judgmental, surface-deep, cyber sharks.... okay, maybe. ;)... fucking old school emojies <3.... a safe space. What is safer then an online journal from high school? where some of my closest friends and family could come read if they so choose? forcing me to open up the door just a bit to those who could most certainly be considered safe..... Wow... Where the fuck do I start? lol

2 Agree PHIL-HIMSELF is THE MAN | Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

charlie

:: 2020 4 August :: 3.30pm
:: Music: JTB

They're playing love songs on the radio tonight. I can't relate to that right now.
I live in a hotel, I must keep writing
If I'm to be better than everyone else
Like figure skating, like asphyxiating
On your own seeping fumes, you're just waiting

Living in a hotel, I'm not traveling
Between two points, in midair I'm levitating
Above the earth, beneath the sky, with eyes like static
In my three feet from bed to wall sleeps a genius

Leave me here to my devices
The call could come at any time
They're playing love songs on the radio tonight
I can't relate to that right now

Note to self, no one cares, your voice is average
In worried piles I typed for miles, you just stood there
I will begin, I will put right this morning terror
I have been kissed between the ears with human error

Leave me here to my devices
I need a word to change my life
I've tied my ankles to the table legs with wire
He can't write so much as type

Leave me here to my devices
I can't think with all this noise
They're playing love songs on your radio tonight
I don't get those songs on mine

You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

charlie

:: 2020 5 June :: 10.54pm
:: Music: WPE

Love how you disappear, if I need you
You're sleeping, I get that, I want you to know that I try
To figure out, where I'm going
And where I'm sleeping, and how much emotion is showing
And one can only imagine the things that you think of

I want to see the country, without goodbyes
But I can't afford that, so fuck my life

And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry

When did I leave the seventh grade?

You feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away

You say I lose things, that I can't find
There's no more covers, left to hide in
You say I'm lazy, incompetent, I'm always too tired to try
Everyone's stuck, living their "skewed up version of life"
And now I have a job, and Bobby's living in Tallahassee
I wish I had tried more

And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry

When did I stop thinking this way?

I feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
Your words can't make my problems go away

And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry

When do I stop feeling this way?

I feel sick, you're tired, we don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

charlie

:: 2020 27 May :: 6.20pm
:: Music: A3

Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true.
If you keep on telling your friends that we're through.
I've got nothing here but loneliness
Holes in walls and bleeding fists.
My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song.

Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone.
Won't listen to myself or anyone.
You got on a plane and off you went.
You're never coming back again.

I'm trying to convince myself it's true.
Convincing myself
I'll be just fine without you. [x3]
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself it's true.

I sit here trying to convince myself it's true.
But you keep on pretending you have no clue.
I'd kill for you and eat the flesh.
Give you the heart and burn the rest.
A thousand miles ain't shit to walk if I'm walking to hold you but

I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you

I'll be here telling myself it's true.

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

spud

:: 2020 19 March :: 4.00pm

COVID-19

If I get stuck at home, you can bet your sweet booty I'll be uploading lots of recordings ;)

As it stands, I still have a job, and we're staying open, so I get to continue working. But if that changes, expect to be seeing some updates <3

Stay safe out there, friends.

2 Agree PHIL-HIMSELF is THE MAN | Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?

spud

:: 2020 1 March :: 8.01pm

Recorded on 2.29.20
OPEN TALK

In which I am joined by a host of promises. I gave an open talk at the alano club in Grand Rapids, and didn't really talk about booze that much.

Links to stuff I mentioned:

(Ultraclean floss is rad, btw. It is stretchy and doesn't break or tear like normal floss. Get you some ultraclean.)

Is PHIL-HIMSELF TEH MAN?