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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 18 October :: 12.49pm

Petra was just here. she thinks knows am mad at my mum. quite understandably, i think. Day after day, watching overlapping line ups with litanical commercials in between on every station, she sits. There is no mother in a creature that does that. I've accepted it though. Life is happy for me right now, but I suppose that's selfish. But that's the reason I'm not doing anything like Petra wants. I can't give up, though. Everyone has given up on her; I guess that urge goes along with wanting to be different. I pity people who have been left behind and collect the wrappings they leave upon discovering themselves.

I found out that I need someone to put me back on track every five years or so. Shaun did it back in third grade; Christine in seventh and eighth; Justin now. The people that I look up to. I understand what Justin says about needing to something for someone. I like to protect everyone and teach them if I can. I strive to understand, but understanding does not come from watching, but from being. Therein lies my camoflaging skills, which really aren't all that great. That's why, when I hang out with someone for a while, their style and ideas rub off on me, as they do anyone. But from those things, I begin to understand.

Petra thinks I'm troubled, wounded. Everyone has been wounded, only they heal up and become scars. I think mine has a thin layer of skin on it because right now, I'm comfortable with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. I'm sure if something happened, it would hurt once again though. I hadn't thought about it in a while, but she sort of made me think. She went so far as to say that even my dad is an alcoholic. You'd think Tyler would be cautious, having such a history. But he isn't which is probably more of a worry to me than my mum's health.

It seems like something that should be buried because of it's recent death, but it's always got a finger poking up in the new ground. I don't think I'll ever be able to bury it, but then again, that's what's made me who I am, so why would I want to?

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toki

:: 2005 18 October :: 2.16am

I wish Ryan Hoffman was awake. It'd be nice to talk to him right now.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 16 October :: 1.34am

am eating eyeballs and cheese cubes...it makes me soo happy!

no one will get both of those, even if he or she gets one.

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toki

:: 2005 16 October :: 1.11am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Serenity Soundtrack

My Logic
Apple cider = Amazing

Work = Way too long

Patrice = Tired

Therefore, Patrice = Calling in sick tomorrow.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 15 October :: 1.50am

today has gone quite well!

my brother got me a bday present! the Z! book! EEP! and then we talked for a bit...i told him about express and such, and then we talked about boys...lol...i told him i had a good day...i got paid $234.49...i had some overtime...but now i have monies! thats awesomeness!

so the other thing that happened, which is why it was a good day and what i told him, is that dianna is now out of the picture. she made the stupid mistake of lying to justin. i dont know quite the point of lying anyway, cuz it always comes back to you, but happily for me, he could tell me about it. that made me excited. strangely enough, just today i was thinking about how itll be one thing thatll put me first in the race...and look...i had to do nothing!

so that is just a happy thing for me. i didnt see kristen today, which is weird that she didnt call or anything either...must be playing ddr or in trouble again.

however, i did see stunkel and danny and jackie and corey. jill was supposed to come to but she didnt. i dont think she knows that there is no particular dislike on my side. i can deal with her, in fact, id like to see her. anger is an easy emotion for all; even easier to forget for me, especially since its been so long. i dont see why i couldnt hang out with her...i dont understand sacrificing a friday night because you dont like someone. then again, thats the problem with most things isnt it, that you dont understand.

well, good night.

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toki

:: 2005 13 October :: 12.56am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Audioslave

I wish I wasn't so difficult to understand. I wish humans that humans never needed sleep. I wish that I could stop time. I wish I knew what I wanted.

Yep, there you go. My three wishes. I added one. Deal with it, bitches.

-.- zzzzzzz

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep

I don't want to wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to stink like Templeton's egg in Charlotte's Web.

Okay, really really really not looking forward to tomorrow. Fuck. Okay, one more wish:

I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until Friday. Tomorrow will be a total waste of a day. Just like every day for the past who knows how long. I really don't feel I'm really Carpe-ing the Diem. And that makes me terrbly sad. I hate that things are so hectic that I can't to take time to simply SEIZE THE DAY! And to make my life extraordinary.

The second part probably won't happen ever. To be extraordinary, you hve to have something special. You have to know what you want. Me? I just suck.

Dead Poets Society, why do you let me think that there is more to life then this? This is all we have. There is nothing to seize. There's no time to seize it. Only time to work. And sleep.

And that is what I'm getting to. Sleep.

I'm changing the quote...

Carpe sleepem
Carpe Workem

And Jorie, don't try to tell me the real latin. Those just sound funnier. I like it. ::nods:: I like funny. So if you do, I will kill your polar bear. I'm serious.

Right now I am off to CARPE SLEEPEM!

See, I guess I'm seizing something now. And that's always good. Makes me feel better already.

Boy, do I love sarcasm.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 10 November :: 11.27pm

if you havent yet, read the entry previous to this...especially if youve been in on the whole justin deal...

i was reading through some of my entries and i found this, simply because it had pictures.

you should visit it because it makes me know i have some portion of a soul...::glares at mushroom::

Past Entry

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 10 November :: 10.48pm
:: Mood: scared

am being daring currently.

am asking everything i want to justin...thats bad...that makes me annoying.

but i am...so ill know...becasue i need to.

me: i wnat to know the real reason you wont go out with me because you know that i have ot know the reason for everything and i want to know what's going on with her solely because the secrecy drives me mad
me: am not even jealous just curious
me: and you have to understand that you are impossible to forget as much as ive tried
him: well i dont want a gf at least not now otherwise id already be datin one of u and especially wen u asked me bout it b4 cause thats wen all the chanel bs was goin on
him: does that answer ur question

me: that its because am not one of "the hottest girls on earth", because that's all you date...because am not fragile-looking...because am a virgin
me: be honest (i can complain about nothing that comes after this...i asked...)
him: lol no i think u forgot that i jus lost my virginity less then a year ago and ive only dated and had sex with 1 person since and also none of my gfs are the hottest by i appreciate the opinion from ur friends lol and besides ur pretty cute

okie...now thats happy...my brain is set straight...good night!

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toki

:: 2005 11 October :: 1.24am

What to say? I'm going to fail my history test. And you know what else? Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

You know I've never seen that movie? Hm. Makes me feel almost wrong for quoting it.

Well once again, I don't care. You know why? Because...

I'm a leaf on the wind...Watch how I soar.

Take that, bitches.

I miss Wash.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 8 November :: 10.11pm

my mum brought me like fifty chocolates fro m a wine tasting to which she went! eeP!

if you havent watched it yet, watch Good to Be Square you have to play the music composer thingy, too. its the last tab.

um...today. employee meeting...breakfast...nothing important.

last night=interesting.

for the first time, i saw justin as a child...someone who still has some growing up to do. he got drunk enough to puke for a while, and zack and ian went upstairs to sleep, i went outside with him. i rubbed his back and brought him water and kleenex, because i figure thats the nice thing to do.

apparently, its not common; at least not for him. he said he would leave himself...strange.

he's got all these beads spread out on a table, but they have no string to hold them together. what i mean is that his ideas a thousand and widely knowledgable, but has no basic logic to hold it together.

He laughed at me, saying i was like his mum, only without the grounding; weird, but it made me think of freud's theory...no good lol.

jen said its okie that i cant let go...but then, i know i will get hurt. that's my defense, letting things go. she argued that it's more difficult to let things go, but a sharp weight on your shoulder will only be healed by dropping the object.

i really wish i knew his reasoning for not wanting to go out wiht me. i hate the fact that "am too much of a guy friend" for people...it makes me feel like i have no options. and the fact that i know my body plays into it is a bit of an ouch. cuz how do i change that? zack excaimed tonight in quite the same way sean from chuck e. cheese did that "holy crap, [my] calves are huge!" how do you take that? yes, i am aware that i am not tall and slender; dare you point it out more? weight isnt even that much of an issue. i like the fact that am not a stick, and rather muscular, but its a little tough on the conscience.

i dont know. last night, i liked spending time with justin. he laid on my lap and shivered in the cold, and despite the cold, i did not shiver when i gave him my hoodie. i liked the fact that i could hold him and care for him, that he was in my arms and i knew he was safe. i liked being there, even though he was sick. am glad i went over there, and i hope to go with him wherever he feels its necessary to drink, just to make sure he's safe. i guess that means i care about him, eh?

guess that explains why i wont give up...

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toki

:: 2005 9 October :: 2.10am

You probably think you're better then me. You don't want to admit to, but I know you think it. It's constantly ringing in the back of your head. Look at that girl. Look at Patrice. Got into every fucking college she applied to, but still is slaving away at CLC. And do you know why?! I'm a fucking chicken. I can't commit myself to anything! I can't decide something like this and stick with it. It scares me. I can't do it. And so I'm here, being the townie I always knew I was going to be. I work at a fucking movie theatre. I see people from VHHS come to see movies when they visit home and they go.."Oh so where do you go to college?" Oh, CLC. How's that? Why? Because I'm a dumb shit. That's why. I'm a fucking dumbshit. And there's really nothing I can do to change that. I know how you look at me. The same way I looked at people like me before. The same way I looked at my sister. And I deserve every bit of it. I deserve it.

You know what? Take your fucking perfection. Go to your prestigious schools that no one else can get into. Win all the fucking awards you can in high school. Be honor thespians, All State musicians and theatre people. Graduate with honors. See if I fucking care.You deserve it.

You know who doesn't? You know who ends up at fucking Rivertree the rest of her life? You know who's going to completly throw every possibility of success at risk just because she's scared shitless?

Yep. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. I hate who I am. I hate most of where I am right now. I hate what I look like and what I wear and how I act.

I only have one or two people who don't mind wasting time with me. And I hate myself for that too. Because it's my fault that I have no one else. I love them, but it's all I have. And I know it's my fault. And I hate myself.

I go to CLC. I was just anouther sheep in the flock. I'm nothing different. I'm just a dumb shit.

I just want to do something special. I want to do something worth telling other people about. I want to be worth something. I want to do something, but I can't think of anything.

I just can't do it anymore. And that's that.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 7 November :: 12.52am

this is a ridiculous day. i come online and no one is in a good mood. im frustrated wiht mushroom...he says things that should not be said, or maybe could be in a joking manner but are said so often, you wonder if they're just a joke anymore...

then q is upset cuz he cant pay for college cuz his mum wont next semester, which may just be a threat but scholarships...i wont let him make the same stupid mistake jill did.

zak must talk to someone or they will die...that's all i got.

justin's thoroughly confused as to why mushroom doesnt like him...and i know why but he's not on, so i cant tell him. i guess ill text him...

i cant intern anywhere in the city because i dont live down there i have to find scholarships and such so that my parents can help plus a job...or two...

in other news, zack and i both got the job at express...

um...i guess thats it...sad, eh?

2 Pirates | X marks the spot


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 1 November :: 1.17am
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: crickets

so hello.

just got back from a wedding.

yesterday was pleasing...i finally asked all that needed to be asked. whether i understand or not is another story.

um...i paid my mum back for refilling my bank account with one check from SW; that's happy.

if you're bored, go to play MASH online. it's fun.

i actually kind of forgot what i was going to type in here...

i met a six year old who not only knew what the confederate flag was and drew it with his crayons, but who said blatently, "i just really like history". Starts early, i guess.

erm...i dont really have anything that interesting...

yesterday, justin, zak, and i went to a concert, but it sold out like twenty people in front of us...so we went to olive garden...mmm breadsticks...then to the park for just a bit...then to denny's, where we didnt spend that much time inside so i was okie with it...but apparently, i look like i belong there...the convo went like this..."see, you guys look like denny's kids; those guys look like customers" the other kids were all colourful and pissy wehn he tried to talk to them. wolfy's a nice guy, but i dont want to be in a vh denny's for my night life when am 22. The other interesting thing was that i was accepted into a group...which its been quite a while since that has happened...like...i dont know...its not necessarily a real acceptance, just being able to say taht i have a particular group of friends, whether they match or not, is something i miss.

i dont know why i cant forget justin...we decided on the fact that nothings going to happen...so its been left at that, but i asked all my questions and am more comfortable with it now, so i dont knwo...we'll hang out and just be friends and i kinda hope it changes but if it doesnt, i guess, oh, well, because what am i going to do about it, really?

alright am done...i have to get up early to get a facial at kristens tmro...woo!

g'night.

2 Pirates | X marks the spot


toki

:: 2005 30 September :: 10.15am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette

I feel sick. I hate my mom. I hate my dad.

Does anyone see any wrong in Ryan and I sharing a suitcase? My mom was flipping out because he'd see my underwear. But suitcases have pockets. And I could put them in one of those...and he would have no reason to see them...

Then I got the lecture on how I look. I don't look nice. I look dirty. ??? I don't get that. I don't get how I look dirty. My clothes aren't the kind of clothes that get wrinkly. And she kept refering to this one shirt that was wrinkled once last week. Then she flips out about my work clothes, but its work! And I don't have to look like uber nice there. I mean, we're always cleaning and getting into dirty stuff. It makes no sense that she flips out like that. No sense at all. And my hair. Because I don't take time to wear it down, and instead just throw it in a ponytail, that makes me dirty. O.o;; I just don't have time. Holy hell... I don't know what to do. I don't mind how I look at all.

So, question two, do you think I look wrinkly and scummy with my hair and clothes?

Then of course I got yelled at for my weight gain. Awesome. As if I'm not freaking out about it already.

I figured out that if I eat 1,200 calories everyday for 3 months I can lose all the weight that I want to. So, definitly getting on that after I get back from vacation. Hopefully it works. I'm tired of being told by my mother that I'm fat. I need to be like Amanda and Gabby. I know she compares me to them. I don't get why she won't admit it.

Anyways, scared to death of Arizona. Parents. Major Eeeeep.

If I survive, I'll see you all when I get back.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2005 28 September :: 9.40am

i have loads to do...but am posting my idea for my project so that i dont forget and i dont have to pull out a pencil. i dont know how im going to go about it though. i dont know photoshop well enough to pull it off, and i couldnt draw it in one night i dont think.

so we read "The House on Mango Street" and we've been focusing on identity. so my idea is that identity is like your shopping cart and the world is the store. so what i want to do is draw a little girl shopping and along the aisle is a row of buildings that will be mango street, and a side display of hobo...some shoes can be on the shelf and poster of Sally hanging because i love her description. two boys must be shopping in the next aisle because carlos and kiki are in a different, male world. She can have some things in the cart, such as a a bike with two girls playing around it, and meme with his two dogs...nenny should be in the aisle as a source of frustration for esperanza because she has to care for her, and she's immature, so maybe pulling things off the walls happily. That type of behaviour is common for young children, which goes along with how Nenny tries to keep things ordinary, while Experanza tries to change the behaviour, becomes like everyone else pretending there's a chance out of mango street. so that will be the main focus. there will be a looming man that will represent her sexuality. because she sees men as people who take advantage when they can, like with the hobo with the shoes. All the men in the novel have more power than the women, and hold things over them like a treat for a dog. maybe the looming man can be a creepy sales associate rather than a hobo at the end of an aisle.

i dont know...please tell me if you have any suggestions...thanks.

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