:: 2004 19 December :: 11.32 am

I don't feel like going shopping today.

I don't feel like going to the TSO concert later.

I don't feel like doing anything today.

Or ever.




...


I just want to see Nick.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 December :: 11.08 pm

I always do this to myself. I suck so much.

No one ever does anything to me, everything that happens to me is my own fault.

"The wheel is come full circle: I am here."

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 December :: 10.37 pm

I hate that the one time it'd be better for me to talk to people is the one time I can't talk.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 December :: 2.35 pm

I felt weird talking to Nick on the phone today.

I don't think it was because I was whispering.

It was a weird dreadful feeling.

Maybe it was because he was sleepy and today just feels weird in general.

I don't know.

But I don't like it.

I wish I could talk and I wish I could talk to him more.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 17 December :: 6.09 pm

Nick's been...since he got home. I understand why and it's okay.

It's just so hard not to cry.

I'm going to cry a lot in the next forever.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 17 December :: 4.52 pm
:: Mood: upset

An entry about Nick...
It was so scary to see him in the hospital. He kept pressing the button for more morphine, he had those tubes running all over the place and there were machines near him beeping and flashing and the numbers... And it's just not fair. I've said it before and so has Katie. All this shit that gets thrown at Nick is just not fair to him or his family. He's the nicest, sweetest, best guy ever and he has to go through this...

Ben felt the same way. He knew that if he felt like that, I felt it ten bazillion times more because I'm me.

He was driving me home from the hospital and I cried a little. We didn't talk at all after we were on the highway and he got off the phone with Jackie.

We pulled into my driveway and Ben squeezed my arm and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah and reached over to open the door and grab all my stuff. I got out, Ben got out of the car, gave me a hug and held me while I sobbed.

It was so scary. It still is.



Now...

I really need to talk to someone but I can't talk to the people I normally talk to.

I can't talk to Nick because it's about him, he wants me to rest my voice and he's hanging out with Ben today.

I can't talk to Ben because he'll make fun of my voice, doesn't give a damn and is hanging out/sleeping over at Nick's today/tonight.

So here I am again. Angsting here again.

With Nick's surgery, I had the mentality that he'd go home once he was better. Eventually, "home" and the moment Nick was home began to mean that he was better.

Being "better", to me, meant that he wasn't in any more pain and he could walk reasonably.

Like me and most things in my life, I was terribly mistaken and disillusioned.

Nick's home. He is still in pain and it hurts so much to see him wince and to know that he's in pain.

I was so sad last night seeing him in all that pain. He can't really walk and, like always, wouldn't use his cane.

The best moment last night was lying on his chest, later curling up next to him, and sleeping.

I was so upset. I ended up crying myself to sleep, waking up a thousand times and then crying again.

I love Nick so very very much. I'm so worried and so scared right now.

I won't be able to spend time alone with him at all. In order to do that, I need to get out to Nick's house and I can't drive so my only ride out is Ben. I hope that I can maybe convince one of my parents to take me out there. Or maybe I'll hitch a ride with Kelly or someone and just call my parents for a ride home.

I miss him. I miss him bunches of a lots of so much and I love him ten billion times more.

I just want to spend time alone with him. I thought it'd be so easy since he'll be home for a long time but I just can't. There's no way I'll be able to get out there by myself.

I don't remember kissing him at all last night.

I wish that I could kiss him. I wish that I could see him.

I'm going to cry if I don't stop.

I love Nick.

2 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 12 December :: 11.45 pm

Six months.

Nice day too. Hung out with Nick, hit some bumps but kept on going.

Could have been better but I've had worse anniversaries (eg. not even seeing the person that day).

And nothing is perfect.

I do ever so much love Nick.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 12 December :: 12.27 pm

I really want to hang out with you today but I know it'll turn out like always.

We plan ahead and it never happens.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 12 December :: 12.11 pm

Really though, if you don't want to hang out today/tomorrow, it's okay.

I mean, it's just a date based on time. And time is just man's measurement of what is lost and what is still to come.

Really. It's okay. You don't need to make excuses. You don't need to worry about it, I've already thought on it. I've already worried enough for both of us.

It's okay. We don't have to.

I love you, Nick.

Happy anniversary. Here's to six more months.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 9 December :: 10.34 pm

What to do if you want to make me mad:
Play a video game while on the phone with me

Talk about a video game while on the phone with me

Talk to a video game while on the phone with me

Talk about a video game like I know what you're talking about

Talk about a video game like I care

Assume that since I'm in a bad mood it's your fault

Try to make excuses to get off the phone with me

Say that since I'm not talking, you'll go

Whisper then tell me you can't hear me

Say you'll call me later then don't (I do it too)

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 9 December :: 10.12 pm

Whatever.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 9 December :: 9.44 pm

Worried.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 9 December :: 5.56 pm

See, I changed some things. It's called i thought you loved me more than any thing, and i thought you would come back to me.

I have a present for Nick and I don't know whether to give it to him for an anniversary present or, if I see him, the day or two before he goes in for surgery.

I'm really, really scared about Nick's surgery. He said there's a 30% chance his body will reject the rod they're going to put in his leg. I really hope not. This is what he's been waiting for.

I pray that everything will be alright.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 7 December :: 6.19 am

I'm too serious about everything apparently.

Nick never wanted this. He never wanted this serious of an emotional relationship. He just wanted something fun.

I dragged him into it.

This is the longest relationship he's been in. And it's growing to be the longest I've been in.

We're both just scared.



Ben says he'll help you if you need it again, Katie Kat. He's a good guy when he stops being typically him.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 5 December :: 7.19 pm

I had a dream last night that I was raped.

It's been freaking me out all day.

Then I had another one about Nick's surgery messing up.

Weird day.

I feel weird.

Always the first star that I find