I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2020 18 May :: 10.28am

can I just die now? thx

:: 2020 15 May :: 9.16am
:: Music: ember city by mastodon

I'm really missing you today corry. to think last year this time last year I was taking you to the hospital and you were in there so long... and I never visited you.

you must have felt so scared and alone. that probably pushed you away the most. like I only half cared about you.

I just miss you. why did you have to go. why aren't you here?

:: 2020 3 May :: 11.37am

I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling

I know I wish I could help, but I know that I can't

at least the view is beautiful

:: 2020 21 April :: 9.14pm

so sick of having a cycle. every month it's the same stupid feelings, same stupid insecurities.

just really homesick too. I'm lonely.

:: 2020 12 April :: 8.03am
:: Mood: utterly devastated

can it just be tomorrow?

I hate everything about today.

:: 2020 11 April :: 8.16am

it's called free fall
I'm the noose mistaken for a necklace.

:: 2020 31 March :: 3.25pm

I just wish I had someone to talk to, who said more than just "ok" or nothing. I have animals for that.

this is why I don't trust anyone, or open up, or share. because people always just are hard like rocks or prickly like porcupines when literally all I want is a hug and for someone to say "I know how you feel, and I hope it gets better for both of us" and maybe idk.. actually try to relate to me? rather than just making me feel like an idiot for even trying to share.

:: 2020 25 March :: 11.55am

happy birthday

:: 2020 23 March :: 3.38pm

I hate myself with every fiber of my being.

why are these decisions so hard?

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2020 13 March :: 12.43pm

I know my heart should guide me but,
There's a hole within my soul

What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?

:: 2020 13 March :: 8.41am

almost to our 4 year anniversary and finally starting to plan on moving in together

we both have a lot of trepidation as we are concerned our personalities might clash living together. we both enjoy our own time apart, but also enjoy each other's company.

I've been on edge lately. we went to Corry's grave last weekend and it filled me with sorrow, grief, regrets and introspection. I wish I had done more to help him, taken him to follow up appointments. he is buried next to his dad, who literally died the year before. so much heartbreak. I miss you.

and that just tore open the flood gates for all my other negative emotions. I just feel terrible about myself, and everything seems to freak me out. this move is scary because of my past with roommates. this move is scary cuz I still have a bit of debt and I'd like to not have that hanging over me. I'm nervous about living with a 19 year old.

but I'm excited to start my life with him, and excited for the future, and I want to stay that way. it's just hard to overcome my negative thoughts.

idk what to do. stay here longer? move out now? wait for the bubble to pop and buy a house and live there?

I wish I knew. I wish I had a sign.

:: 2020 2 March :: 7.22am

shit is just so boring. even with a new plague taking the world, I'm still just like...

meh.

who cares?

good riddance anyway.

gideon

:: 2020 25 February :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: blah

Nobody ever asks me if I want to do anything, it's always me asking others.

:: 2020 17 February :: 9.31am

I love you

why do you have to make things so hard for yourself?

:: 2020 25 January :: 8.22pm

feeling drunk and feeling invisible

:: 2019 28 December :: 11.52pm

don't like feeling anxious

don't like feeling like a fool

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 13 December :: 12.54pm

NO ONE FUCKING CARES

just get it into your thick fucking troglodyte skull, self.

you don't matter now and you never will. you insignificant speck of shit.

:: 2019 15 November :: 10.30pm

rollercoaster today at work... some days I really love what I do and other times it makes me cry and I hate it. I just don't understand why so many people feel compelled to be assholes... like what does it really serve?

I guess everyone had bad days but if every day is a bad day maybe you need to change something..? maybe try a career change first?

I love have been feeling like I want to try to be a manager, but I just love what I do so much... like I would love to be a trainer, I'd love to be a business analyst...

I'd love to be a stay at home mom and active in my community and shit.

I just want to be in a position where we don't have to both work, so maybe we can make more time for fun things. you know... like back in the old days when more parents could afford to have one stay home and shit. TV & tablets raise kinda shitty kids...

:: 2019 15 November :: 10.23pm

:: 2019 27 October :: 11.57am

I've been a solid Rock lately but

I just can't right now.my cup is empty, and no one gives a fuck about my emotional needs.

so why do I kill myself caring about theirs?

:: 2019 10 October :: 2.23pm

I have a very strong force of chill

people get around me and they just melt into the couch and are comfy

I like chilling, and being lazy, but sometimes it sucks cuz I don't always want to be.

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 3 October :: 9.09pm

I can hardly imagine going to an open casket funeral, but to also dig their hole and put them in the hole you dug?

that is some next level shit. natives don't half ass saying good bye.

I just wish we didn't have to say goodbye at all.

:: 2019 28 September :: 11.00pm

it is such a secret place, the land of tears

:: 2019 26 September :: 2.29pm
:: Mood: crushed

https://youtu.be/jWFWazj7Ud8

we won't let you slip away....
but we did.

good bye friend. I wish you could have stayed longer.

:: 2019 16 September :: 11.05pm

I hate those God damned electric scooters being used in pitch black by drunk assholes dressed in shades of grey

I have been worried sick about hitting one and then one plows into me! and scoots off into the distance. ugh.

:: 2019 6 September :: 8.56am

Prozac has me like

https://youtu.be/0BS5lRJfJgQ

:: 2019 3 September :: 7.29am

we are arriving at the final warm days off summer, soon it will be fall and then it will be winter.

I feel like I'm moving in show motion as time hurdles past me.

I don't know what I want. I don't want anything, but I also want it all. I miss feeling like there was real adventure in my life.

maybe there never was. I want to move to a new city and see what different and exciting things I can find. I want to move to the country and never love in a big city again. I want kinda kids, I want to be a kid myself forever.

I honestly don't care, either things will happen or they won't. why fight against the current when I can just enjoy the ride until the waterfall throws us off to our deaths?

that is, if the river doesn't dry up first... like my optimism about the future.

:: 2019 27 August :: 8.27am

shake shake shake seniora shake your body line
work work work seniora work it all the time

:: 2019 21 August :: 10.58am

FUCK CAPITALISM

:: 2019 30 July :: 9.35pm

Kind words, kind looks, kind acts, and warm hand-shakes, - these are means of grace when men in trouble are fighting their unseen battles. -John Hall