When you're young, you find all these people to do things with. Your parents might set you up on play dates. Eventually school leads to more friends and you are able to get along and live your life with others.

At some point you realize all those people hate you or worse, don't think about you what-so-ever.

Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died unnaturally... If I was attacked and murdered or if I committed suicide. I think about how those people might think of me, at least for a little bit. But then I remember that they wouldn't be thinking fondly of me. They would either pity me or they would use my death to impress others. "Oh woe is me, my 'friend' is dead. Please give me attention." Then in a few days when that attention has run out, they'd go right back to forgetting I existed.

I have been forgotten maybe 5 times by this group of people that I see every week. 5 times that I know about anyways - there are probably far more.

Then all those other people I was thinking might be my friends are really only acquaintances... friends of 'friends'... or 'friends' I had when I was in high school. People who continue not to think of me.

I think about the people I've called my friends before. I constantly think about them. I wonder how they are doing. Sometimes I'll ask them. When I do, they give me short answers and don't ask me any questions. Or, I assume they don't want to hear from me because they haven't said hello to me in the last 5 years.

It's not other people's jobs to reach out. It should be mine. If I want to see someone, I should reach out. I did that for a long time. I was the only person who contacted the people in my life for months and months. And then I stopped. I stopped being the only one to work for it. And you know what? No one messaged me. No one texted. No one called. No one attempted to contact me in any way. Except for 1 person...

There are maybe 7 people I would say that have reciprocated anything with me in the last few years. 1 of those people manipulates me and makes me feel bad to no end. 1 of those people only ever talks about herself and has used every opportunity to make every event we've ever had together about her. 1 of those people has stopped talking to me full-stop for no reason I have caused (and people say no reason when they don't know but I know that it's no reason because the last couple convos we've had have been just fine). 2 of those people have not hung out with me unless I have initiated it but they sometimes will text me and of course will hang out with others. 1 of those people has severe social anxiety so we barely hang out. I don't blame her for this because she can't help it and she has always tried to check in with me.

And James is the 1 person who has consistently tried to actively be in my life... out of any of my friends. The only one who has called or texted or made plans with me on a consistent basis.

We're old now. It's harder to be friends with people because we don't see them every day at school. People have things that stop them from spending time with you like children or work or distance. I hate feeling like the victim of circumstances that are no one else's responsibility.





But when we collectively talk about plans as a group and you're the only one who isn't invited on a day that was not planned, intentional or not, it fucking sucks.






I have my parents here. I have my boyfriend there. I have my brother there. Anywhere I am, I will miss someone. Anywhere I choose, I'll be lonely.

leave me love