I reach for the bottle and disappear

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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2018 29 August :: 8.24am

why is it that I always manage to convince myself that my bf is gay and in love with another man?????

it happens every time. am I crazy? am I imagining it?

is it just my insecurities about not being a man? maybe I was just supposed to be a man. idk.

life is so confusing.

:: 2018 26 August :: 12.52pm

this country is so fucking fucked.

:: 2018 22 August :: 9.45pm

I'm so freaking frustrated I want to scream.

there just no being happy. if I do one thing I suffer in another way.

I need to find a therapist.

:: 2018 19 August :: 11.01pm

maybe it'll never be enough

maybe it's just me

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2018 18 August :: 11.21pm

I know a lot of people hate lap dogs but they are honestly the best

they are perfectly destined to be our hand held best friends

I just want to snuggle my puppies forever

domesticated dogs are just permanent puppies and it's just the best. dogs were made to be with people. out of how many animals in the world dogs are the only one to truly and unrevokably to be our best friend. can you imagine a world without dogs?

it would be a pretty fucking sad world.

not to say other domesticated animals aren't awesome, they just don't hold a candle to dogs. they are the best. hands down.

DOGS FUCKIN ROCK

:: 2018 18 August :: 10.19pm

I love being the best

even if it's at something stupid.

:: 2018 17 August :: 9.10am

worst timing ever... check
constant ability to out foot in mouth... check
permanent confusion towards life... check

how does anyone actually enjoy this whole "being alive and interacting with other people" bullshit?

:: 2018 12 August :: 7.53am

when you can tell your dogs are starting to love you again because you spend more time at home

best feeling ever

working from home is truly so wonderful. I know it's hard to balance working from home and feeling "included" at the office but the two days I go in is just perfect. one day would probably be my preference but eh.

now if I could just get some extra cash....

:: 2018 10 August :: 5.53pm

ah fuck it

I'm gonna have a party

:: 2018 10 August :: 5.21pm

I deactivated Facebook and Messenger again. Whenever I used Facebook, I constantly compared myself to others - the stages they were in in their lives. I think it contributed to my depression. I wanted to be married and having children and buying a home and starting a career like everyone else was. Social media clearly negatively impacts many individuals and I don't want to be party to that anymore.

I got that job. I have a week of freedom left and I'll be working in Liberty Lake. It's a long commute but oh well. I don't know how I'll like it. I'm not too optimistic but at least it's something. This will help me save up a little as I don't plan on moving out anytime soon if I can help it.

Things are just meh. I enjoy my time I spend with him and apart from that I just kind of float. I hope I have a good time at that wedding tomorrow night.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2018 7 August :: 9.32am

first day working from home was pretty much the most amazing thing ever so glad they gave me this opportunity!

I didn't complain over yesterday. I just felt comfortable

:: 2018 5 August :: 10.43pm

even though she still feels haunted

haunted

haunted

:: 2018 3 August :: 10.20pm

it's has always been this way

and to many people i'll always be the same

a broken record of broken thoughts but really I have been going to work regularly for 8 years with a corporation I loathe and in a career I despise but hey at least it pays my debts? it could be worse or course.

after my most recent break down I decided to have a better attitude it's lasted a month or so, but I'm slipping. I start working from home on Monday so I think that'll help ease the pain that comes with being a cog in the corporate murser machine.

at least I know insurany helps more people than it hurts. I mean nothing is perfect and no one will always be 100% satified but how many people could truly replace all the shit that is lost when you lose it all? I mean I guess it sucks if you never have to use it, but think about it like paying it forward in a really big way.

maybe I'm brainwashed but I tell myself these things so I can sleep at night.

I should adopt a cause. but in the face of these insurmountable obstacles I can't even pick a place to begin.

I just need some direction please. just a little would help

:: 2018 31 July :: 9.40am

this smoke doe

like it's normal for the world to burn every summer

like the world isn't warming up

:: 2018 29 July :: 8.18am
:: Music: post malone

she told me that I'm not enough

and left me with a broken heart

:: 2018 28 July :: 1.43am

looking at the future:

going off that roller coaster in Vegas only it isn't going to stop at the edge

we need to full stop and figure out climate change

then all these social issues we created with this souless industrial military complex.

the planet isn't a body we control, it's the body we live on. kill our mother and that will be the end of whatever it is that makes homo sapiens the "special" species.

my heart aches and my head races. I just smile and nod, but inside I'm screaming.

why can't I find my voice?

:: 2018 26 July :: 9.50pm

walking home from my sweeties house I stopped on a bench in my favorite park. the full moon bathing the warm air with reflected sunlight. I hear a faint tinkling behind me. I turn and see what appears to be a small dark figure approaching at a rapid gait. I calmly await it's arrival when up onto the stone next to me appears a black cat.

I immediately begin petting his soft fur. he's purring and hugging me, come around to both sides to make sure he has exhausted all the pets. then we sat in quiet contemplation together.

we then parted ways. thanks my special friend. I appreciate the check in <3

:: 2018 25 July :: 9.28pm

heavy sigh

I don't think I will ever be happy with what I have

and I will never feel good enough

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.32pm

at his show bill burr said that he wasted so much time in his 20s & 30s worrying and being depressed about things that ultimately didn't matter. at the end of your life, everything either happened or it didn't.

and it doesn't really matter. so why worry?

why do I waste my time worrying about everyone else and everything people expect of me. I honestly don't even know what I expect of myself. I don't know what I want it of life, I guess I have goals, but if something changes and I have to change those goals it's not the end of the world.

I am like a river, full of endless cold rushing depths. I try to keep flowing forward, but sometimes a rock will look familiar, a tree will remind me of you, I get stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.

I still can't get over the absurdity of conciousness and the human race. of even "being". to be and to contemplate my existence. to feel like a rider in a mechanical fleshy gollum. going through the motions, being an observer in those quiet moments no one ever knows.

I'm still lonely. a permanent companion.

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.27pm

you don't need a friend

boy, you're a man

:: 2018 19 July :: 10.36pm

A few weeks ago James took me to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I got picked for the wand ceremony at Harry Potter World. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful trip. Everything about it was perfect.

I'm back now. I went to Kirkland then came home again. Now I'm bored. I've been looking for a job for ages. Nothing really suits me here. All that vacation wonder is gone and all I want is to get out... Get out of regular, boring life... Do something exciting. I have an interview in 2 weeks. What the hell do I do with my time? I'm tired of going through boxes.

:: 2018 19 July :: 10.23pm

I frustrated myself to no end

I just can't find words

but I so desperately want to connect

I don't know what to say or how to say it and I feel like I'm drifting away

:: 2018 19 July :: 8.49am

need the secret to mind reading

:: 2018 18 July :: 10.22pm

everything feels so empty

I put on a smile and crack a joke to calm those around me

going through the motions fake it til you make it

i want to be spoiled

:: 2018 15 July :: 10.39am

I don't want to live because the pain in my heart often feels too much to bear

but I also kinda am looking forward to the grown up things

but I also have a very strong feeling I'm too sad inside to be a good mother. that this pain will make me terrible yo my kids and make them resent me in the future, or come out damaged like me. and how could I protect them from what happened to me?

there isn't a way. but if that happened to them? how could I ever forgive myself?

:: 2018 14 July :: 12.01am

the loneliness it's rather soul crushing

and it isn't for a lack of people who would listen

I just have no words to express my thoughts or feelings

I just want to fade into nothingness until all there is of me is a bitter memory... I feel so small and utterly insignificant because I am.

and so alone inside like I was made missing something I can never have.

:: 2018 12 July :: 7.35am

I know you won't ever admit it, but I know it's the booze.

seeing bill Burr this weekend with my bestie in Seattle as her day gift.

my cars timing cover is jacked, $700+ repair after the $1,000 I put into it since my bday. it's only a 2012 :( I should have done more research. apparently this cover issue could have caused all the other shit that broke so thankfully CarMax is doing these repairs for free!

also the lady who sold me my car did the warranty wrong so I got a bonus 25,000 miles on my warranty! hellaaaaaa

hopefully this is the last thing went with it for a while. I got this car to be more reliable than my last and now I've spent more money on this 2012 than my 1996 Nissan or my 1992 Mercury.

next car I get I want it to be an ultra smooth ride with no inside sound with as sun roof. it's going to have being inside and underneath. it'll be some time of El Camino or maybe just an Ute.

keep dreaming dreamers

:: 2018 9 July :: 10.58pm

my boss complimented my better attitude today

but said she wasn't sure if it was sincere and it's like what does it even matter I'm smiling I'm cracking jokes people are happy that's what you want so let's just don't worry about the deeper parts

everything that could have gone wrong cooking tonight did but it still turned into wonderful

:: 2018 2 July :: 1.57pm

my sleeve is FINALLY FINISHED

after 5 years and 48 hours of work this beautiful creation has all the pieces filled.

but he use two different blacks and half is in the new black and half is in the old (the old stuff looks kinda grew, like graphite). I kinda want him to go other all the lines again but fuuuuuck

this last appointment was definitely the most painful (possibly second after the elbow, but I don't quite remember if it was worse or not)

he also touched up my totoros and back stars so they look a lot more clean and vibrant!

I love all of them. I'm so happy it's finally done :)

:: 2018 29 June :: 10.47pm

why do I still try

don't try

it doesn't matter either way

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