godessalthena
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2018 19 March :: 10.00pm
soon my work raise will hit
If they offer OT I'm taking it as much as that place removes my soul and consumes it while I watch in terror I really need to get serious about making some cash
FUCKING 1%ERS CAN KISS MY ASS
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godessalthena
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2018 16 March :: 10.12pm
If I ever start balding I'm going to shave my head and have a giant eyeball tattooed on the back of my head and make it so it follows you everywhere you go
2 left me love |
leave me love
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goodbye
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2018 15 March :: 11.59am
Processing all of this is going to take me a long time.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 13 March :: 9.58am
Sometimes I will sit at my desk at work and look at my waterfall background and pretend the white noise machine is the creek with the waterfall rushing through the wet Pacific rainforest
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 12 March :: 8.10pm
Finally got an RX for glasses
Only one in the family who is farsighted hahaha
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goodbye
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2018 11 March :: 9.26pm
I always feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm always wearing a mask. I can't be myself ever. One thing or another comes up that makes it clear that I was never really welcome at all.
And almost everyone I open myself up to, at some point, stops caring.
I'll never be okay.
leave me love
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goodbye
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2018 11 March :: 12.49am
Loneliness should wear off... right? ...At some point?
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godessalthena
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2018 9 March :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: disappointed
Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones who make us feel the most alone.
1 left me love |
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godessalthena
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2018 9 March :: 9.39am
I got a good girl ear rub
First time I've been that good
And I was a Looney toon
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godessalthena
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2018 8 March :: 8.39am
:: Music: Portugal. The man
You don't need sympathy
They got a pill for everything
Just take that dark cloud
Ring it out to wash em down
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godessalthena
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2018 8 March :: 12.19am
I have two little dogs. The smaller girl dog always humps the bigger boy dog's head when she gets excited. My dad came up with a new nick name for him: fuck face. I ask so does that make hers fucker?
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godessalthena
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2018 6 March :: 10.18pm
Shit is too hard sometimes
Other people are challenging
I don't like feeling like an asshole and I don't like making the people I love out to be them
It is PTSD I have been diagnosed with it by every doctor I've seen
I know bad things happened too you too, but your triggers aren't being in a relationship and men who look a certain way
Not that one person's trauma is worse than the others, I guess I just can simply say I'm doing the best I can, I do have a hard time communicating but that is also a two way street.
I said I wouldn't be easy. And I said it's ok to leave if it's too hard. I still say the same thing. I just also know I am a good kind hearted person and I do always try to do what's right and what's in everyone's best interest (even at the cost of myself). I just sometimes lose my mind and can't handle being a human being.
I am hoping a large part of the problems are from stress due to depression and winter and work. I need something new and exciting.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 6 March :: 11.41am
Found an Xmas pic of you. You still look like a hideous monster.
I feel left behind.. not sure by who or what. I feel like I'm out of time,out of phase, shifting to the blue spectrum with high frequency panic electricity in my veins.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 6 March :: 11.38am
0049. THE FCC STOLE MY WALLET AND KIDNAPPED MY SISTER
Unless my brain is foreign, I think most censorshipped radio's boring. And who claims that orange doesn't rhyme? I'm chilling right here with David Lawrence. It's Online Tonight, they wanna wind up fights for free speech, broadcast as far as they can reach. It's a swell day, let's see what they'll say when I'm dialed up live, Toronto to LA. But look what's come up with that Janet Jackson - FCC with $5,000 infractions. We got a plan of action.
FCC cracking down to burn Bubba the Love Sponge and also Howard Stern. Oh dear, man overboard at Clear Channel. What dorks and weird panel of analysts decides what to battle with? The whole thing's just a waste of time, and I hope I don't see anybody paying the fine. I'll fight this 'til I'm old and washed up, and I'm sure right beside me will be Lily Von Schtupp. What's up? Censorship? Not for long. Is someone gonna step to me and try to stop this song? It's cool to protect our children; I've got no qualms. So maybe the president should stop dropping bombs.
leave me love
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goodbye
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2018 2 March :: 11.00pm
Every time I hang out with him, I regret it. Every. Time.
Ugh.
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godessalthena
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2018 2 March :: 5.43pm
My timing is so fucking wretched
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goodbye
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2018 2 March :: 8.24am
Anime was ruined for me by the community. So was rock/emo/pop punk music.
Why do people have to be such dicks?
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godessalthena
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2018 24 February :: 11.08am
After some tears and a few fits I got my files taxes
I just fucking hate all this fucking bullshit they take my money and I have to request they give it back to me in an overly complicated transaction.
Bleh.
2 left me love |
leave me love
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goodbye
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2018 23 February :: 10.17pm
I have fucking awesome friends.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 23 February :: 9.41am
White coffee is one of my favorite things
2 left me love |
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 22 February :: 10.16pm
maybe I'm looking for something I can't have...
every song coming on YouTube feels so significant right now. I hate having these stupid fights over nothing. I hate feeling trapped but paralyzed by social anxiety. I have such a hard time making it into a friendship after the first part.
I need to do something with myself I'm losing my God damned mind but nothing sounds like it would be interesting... And cheap. Ugh.
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godessalthena
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2018 20 February :: 12.11pm
It's a lonely world, I know
Gonna get a lonely girl that's for sure
Knowing I hurt you
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 19 February :: 2.06pm
There's always going to be an excuse for you to not come over to my house.
Always.
So no matter how much or often I tell you it hurts my feelings, it's never ever going to change.
Sometimes I really wish I hadn't taken a chance. So I could just be alone and lonely. And I wouldn't have to feel bad about everything because I'm not over my trauma and I'll never be normal.
I'm not worth this.
3 left me love |
leave me love
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goodbye
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2018 18 February :: 11.21pm
I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:
Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.
It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.
Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.
I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.
Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 15 February :: 6.52am
When all you can think about is how lonely you feel
When all you can think about is how lonely every family must feel after losing a child
Or how lonely the best friends of those children feel
Or how lonely the dead children feel
How lonely the world feels
3 left me love |
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godessalthena
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2018 13 February :: 9.42am
Found the journal entry my first boyfriend posted after we broke up... Daggers in my heart but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did so long ago. That was 12 years ago, but it still is deep in my heart.
I say often that I am atoning for past sins in my current days, the scars on my heart from all the people I've wronged or hurt still throb in my mind.
I know I can't make up for everything and I know holding onto these things are detrimental to me. How do you let go, how do you leave the past in the past?
I can feel all the pain in the world, and it mixes with my own. The paints blur together into a grey and dismal portrait and we all know once mixed they can't be separated. Will these paints ever dry and allow me to paint over with something beautiful?
What is even beautiful for a life?
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 6 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: bleachers - dont take the money
When you're looking for your shadow
Standing on the edge of yourself
Praying on the darkness
Just don't take the money
Dreaming of an easy
Waking up without weight now
And you're looking at the heartless
Just don't take the money
You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it
I pray for everything we lost, buy back the secrets
Your hand forever's all I want
Don't take the money
leave me love
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godessalthena
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2018 5 February :: 4.02pm
I have a very difficult time relating to people who love life
What do you mean you don't want it to end? That's the only part i am looking forward to...
3 left me love |
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godessalthena
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2018 3 February :: 11.40am
I find the face of a woman very comforting
I miss many faces I used to know
But I'm very happy about the faces still in my life
And hopefully I can help them smile once in a while
leave me love
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goodbye
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2018 30 January :: 10.53am
Had a great weekend on the west side. I miss my coworkers. It was nice hanging out with some of them at the baby shower. I really miss M most of all, honestly. Every time I talk to M I feel reassured that I was good at my job. If only they didn't leave and could have been in my corner... maybe I wouldn't have left.
I loved driving that little hatchback rental car. It was so fun and fast and responsive to my touch. I love my car, don't get me wrong... I just would love for it to pickup a little faster.
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