I reach for the bottle and disappear

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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2017 19 August :: 8.48am

the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped

but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.

the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart

knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again

i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla

a waste to time of space of paint

:: 2017 19 August :: 1.11am

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY

:: 2017 17 August :: 5.39pm

looking forward to the future exhausts me to no end
thinking of all the days marching before me
looking at all the days that have marched past me
it's too much
it isn't enough
to keep me

:: 2017 17 August :: 2.09pm

i just want to know if i got the job

so i can tell this place fuck you very much

:: 2017 9 August :: 2.11pm

ugh

:: 2017 4 August :: 8.07pm

dabs drinks and r&b from the 2000s with friends

dreams really do come true

:: 2017 4 August :: 4.47pm

life is too short

to voluntarily enslave yourself

to misery

:: 2017 3 August :: 10.53am

today started really rough

had a mental breakdown right before my interview

hurt my back sitting on that orange couch last night

late payments and shitty IVR and customer service representatives

Now everything is squared away, i wish my belly would settle down

i really hope i get this. i need out. i'm breaking up with you, work, and it hurts me more than it'll ever hurt you.

why do you have to keep breaking my heart?

:: 2017 2 August :: 11.46pm

why do the hide men's faces in porn?

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 28 July :: 9.07pm

i know im not alone in the way i feel

but how many other people feel this way

how do they cope

just one foot in front of the other?

it feels that simple but is it really?

i am losing my mind but i'm terrified to make a change

i settled into quicksand and i don't know if i can claw my way out

when i started at liberty it was a shining beacon of hope. i finally made it. i finally am going to make enough money to pay my bills and see the doctors i need. 7 years later and all i see is a dark moldy ship crawling it's way along a roiling black sea cannon shells marring the hull and we are all furiously bailing the toxic water out. i cry at work.i try to be a cheerleader because everyone is so buried in misery. and we just keep bailing while our muscles tear from the ligaments and the ligaments from the bone. and they tell us to smile "it could be worse". but hell is different for different people. and i can see it in everyone's eyes the trapped feeling they have. this suffocating doe eye expression claustrobia overtaking them the paper walls are tumbling on us and we and getting lacerated in the avalanche

how do we all keep going? how has no one snapped yet?

it's just too much.

:: 2017 28 July :: 4.15pm

my soul
l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

:: 2017 28 July :: 4.02pm

the mountains of pain
with roots wrapped deep

tendrils in my heart
squeeze out the joy wasted on the ground

face the fears and follies
all alone

tears stream
and i hold my own bucket

:: 2017 27 July :: 12.55pm

liberty ain't cheap and freedom ain't free
im a millennial, blame it all on me

:: 2017 24 July :: 3.41pm

didn't get the supervisor position i applied for.

not surprised not really disappointed just kinda meh

im ready for a new chapter im ready for a change but i'm just stuck stagnating

maybe a few more years and it'll be my time

:: 2017 23 July :: 11.54pm

Sometimes I hate everything.

Sometimes I don't feel anything.

Sometimes I have guilt for arguing and exploding but in all actuality I'm not angry at all and have no idea why I perpetuate all the bullshit that I do.

I'm garbage.

:: 2017 23 July :: 1.00am

i just want to give myself to love completely

but there's something holding me back

as of yet a nameless creature stalking me silently from the shadows

went to a beautiful wedding today one where i felt the desire to share my heart in front of those i fear the judgement of the most

i want to bear my heart to someone

but fear leaves me standing in shade waiting for the beast to take me

:: 2017 21 July :: 9.52pm

Huge girl crush on Lindsay Ellis.

:: 2017 20 July :: 9.32pm

Tonight was wonderful <3

:: 2017 20 July :: 12.28am

leaden wights pulling down on the corners of my broken heart
i harden to an icy black cold
shut down drowning the right words to say

vacuucuous hollow hole deep inside
where once was something pink and full

what is the future when you can't find a voice
hiding behind medicine enveloping conciousness
mirrors reveal a strange mystery

left thrashing furiously against the endless depth
leviathan melancholy
swallows the world whole

:: 2017 19 July :: 11.54pm

im in a shite mood.

never ever moving to the same town as those people.

i don't think i could handle it

:: 2017 18 July :: 10.15pm

it's hard not to feel somewhat bitter seeing everyone around you realizing your dreams while you are stuck on a hamster wheel.

i work so hard and i get nowhere

everyone around me works hard and gets to move forward

what's wrong with me

:: 2017 17 July :: 5.10pm

Fun night with Kayla to come! Wooo!!! ^-^

:: 2017 16 July :: 6.01pm

i have yet to see much of a difference between america and canada! gas is sold in an odd way. people still drive like buttholes.

it's been nothing but wind and smoke since we got here.. ahhhhh feels like home!

:: 2017 14 July :: 4.09pm

i love emily she is the best human being i know

i cannot fucking wait to visit canada for the first time!

spending 2 nights in waterton, surrounded by lakes and forests and glaciers (what's left of those)

it's going to be another epic trip! these yearly adventures are what keep me going.

adventure
thrills
daring escapes
saving princesses
slaying witches

YAS

:: 2017 13 July :: 8.30pm

I need another vacation... already.

:: 2017 9 July :: 3.31pm

I feel so alone.

:: 2017 6 July :: 11.17am

i was born no good

and no good is what i'll forever be

:: 2017 5 July :: 8.01pm

I've decided. I want to have a party where
everyone gets high/drunk af and plays N64 and SNES.

I need another TV. People can rent those, right?

I'm going to do it at my apartment.

Somehow, much like other events I've had, I feel like no one is going to show up... Ugh. The Pacific Northwest is balls for open, trustworthy communication. The Seattle Freeze is a real fucking thing.

:: 2017 1 July :: 6.58am

im tired of always being the back up friend, the bank, the taxi.

im tired of always being a last resort. a go to when people dump you.

but no one is ever there for me when i need it. kind words are rare to come by.

my brother is probably my best friend right now, which is kinda fucked up. but at least he asks me if i'm ok.

im tired. so so tired.

:: 2017 1 July :: 12.28am

i hate my job because of its repetitive, redundant, and bureaucratic nature. i perform the same task over and over again and get allotted a different % in different categories. my goals are based in these %. hitting goal gets me raise. but still i find this as motivational as a free foot massage would be to the act of standing up.

yet, i play this repetitious fantasy social game, competeing with my teammates and other teams. i love this escape, despite its repetitive game play, performing simple repetitive tasks and participating in events so you can collect 'em all! but it absorbs me and i get lost in trying to climb higher in my team ranks. it makes me feel very validated to see my number of medals go up.

at work we set goal numbers at the beginning of the week and then show our end of week, and celebrate each other for doing well or whatever.

it's never very motivating. i keep a diary of every interaction i have for almost 1 past year (i delete after a year). i love scrolling back through my weeks and seeing how much work i've done. i like seeing that i've actually accomplished a great deal of work despite being pulled in many directions. and today i was chastised for doing this. then i was chastised for putting what i felt to be an essential step to a process in an instructional video i've done a billion times.

i have an interview on monday for a supervisor position. i won't get it but i just need the exposure i need to try something. i cried for 2 hours at work but my boss (who is out of blue abandoning me) thinks i should stay. despite how miserable i am.

but maybe it's not work. maybe it's me. how can i tell?

anyway it would be cool to make work feel more like a game. so i could feel accomplished for getting shit done rather than buried in it.

bleh. no one cares. my life is boring.

#firstworldproblems

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