I reach for the bottle and disappear

i need to get some ear plugs for jams

because i already am half deaf i don't need help the rest of the way

sometimes the guitar teacher comes. she hasn't really played electric before but her and juanholio are pretty fairly matched when it comes to general skill and knowledge

he gets a special glimmer in his eye when she comes over it's cute

i hate how hopelessly hermity i am. but making friends is hard and talking to strangers that could turn into friends is the terrifying.

meh

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 26 February :: 9.01am

I had a PTSD flashback last night. Accompanied by long-lasting ticks and about 3 lbs of tears.

That is the first time I've experienced something like that... it was very frightening. It's difficult being out of control of your body and emotions. I really need some help with this. I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow.

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 19 February :: 9.27pm

All day has been a painful memory. Tearful moments of wishing things were different than they turned out to be. It's not gone and will never be gone.

My family was here at least. At least they were by my side. That's all I need. I can count on them. It feels so good to just be myself at least with three people on Earth... and a puppy, of course. Judgement-free.

Love and respect and home is all I need to feel right now. It's a big bandaid that's stretched over a deep wound that doesn't seem to heal. One half of the bandaid slips off and support is the adhesive that secures it again. My family is everything to me.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 17 February :: 7.01pm

3 out of 4 individuals on the special project team has the favorite animal of a giraffe

coincidence?

i think there's a definite correlation between weirdos and giraffe lovers.

oh and geniuses.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 16 February :: 10.02am

there's a hole in the bottom of my heart
and all my blood is spilling into my organs

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 16 February :: 6.40am

im tired and i am filled with sadness and disappointment with myself

i wish i could erase what happened

i wish i could have been smarter sooner

i wish i hadn't been such a shitty person

being with him makes me feel like i need to forget my past and pretend i was just born yesterday. i don't like hurting him, but i don't like being silent forever.

i just want to give up. it was easier when i wasn't loved.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 14 February :: 6.21pm

i love dog stars they make the commute home even better

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 12 February :: 10.28pm

everything is slightly up and to the left of center

not sure i like it

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 11 February :: 3.40pm

Headaches starting. I need iron pills to balance my lack of it this week. Every time it's the same thing - migranes all week long. I need to also get a cast iron skillet. I think i'll make that my plan this weekend.

I also need to clean and get my taxes done. I always get so nervous when I have to take care of them but procrastinate because they suck. Some things make me very much dislike being an adult.

I'm going to talk with my parents when they come over next weekend. I'm getting ill thinking about it. But it's something I have to do... this weekend anniversary will be particularly rough.

I can't wait until it's all over and I can just relax and be myself. Maybe I should take some time off during the transition... I could use some days for rejouvenation and mental health. All this vilification is killing me.

I wonder if I'll ever find something good again.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 9 February :: 3.25pm

we presented our solution and options for moving forward today to all the big wigs

despite our dry run the hour before hand being really rough, we really pulled through at the end

while we were derailed a few times by the attendees that were not the intended audience, the top 2 executives for our department were very impressed and happy with what was presented

it feels so fucking good to have this milestone done

in just 30 days we solved a problem that's been plaguing the boss man for 4 years.

we are the fucking kings and queens of promise

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 7 February :: 11.45am

Punch me in the gut just to see if I can breathe.

I'm contemplating something drastic. This choice will affect my whole life.

But I can't keep going on like this.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 7 February :: 7.34am

going dairy free for 3 weeks taught me my body hates dairy

day 2 of gluten free and it feels like i've been eating nothing but milk and cheese

fml

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 5 February :: 10.52pm

I need to change my life.

I am a puppet following a script others have written for my one-man show. The social and societal obligations are overwhelming me and I feel like I'm on the edge.

As I am is not enough for anyone.

I can't be who everyone wants me to be.

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 3 February :: 9.13pm

OMG I fucking LOVE Lu so much! She is everything. I am especially stoked for her finishing all my sentences and getting my movie quotes XD

Friends are such treasures <3

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 2 February :: 8.16pm

im mad

but i got some really cute clothes today

im most excited for the hello kitty dress with strawberries and a lace peter pan collar. it is so cute i could die

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 1 February :: 10.06pm

how do you decide when you're ready for kids?

now that it might actually be obtainable, i am getting very cold feet.

my track record is full of bad decisions... is this pontientally one more?

am i parent material?

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 30 January :: 2.57pm

i watched a documentary on netflix yesterday called HOLY HELL and i have to admit it struck a strong resonance with me.

there's one part where they are talking to one of the Buddhafield members and she was crying and just repeating "we trusted you".

and deep inside me i felt this overwhelming sympathy. i know exactly how that feels. when you entrust your whole being to another human. you give them all your love, faith, patience, service, time and energy. and in return they abuse this gift, and they warp it to satisfy their narcissistic megalomania. and you are left feeling empty, hollow and so utterly betrayed.

and the road to recovery is a long one. we all want to be loved and accepted and included so badly, that we allow others to treat us like refuse. we let them take from us to help them feel full, while depleting ourselves. while they full well know there is a hole in their heart and they will never be full.

but they just keep taking until someone finally wakes up.

and it hurts.

but we are not alone in our pain.

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 30 January :: 2.16pm

Fuck Donald Trump.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 27 January :: 6.43am

coheed & cambria for my birthday??? yes please!

4 left me love | leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 26 January :: 9.15pm

Life is overwhelming.
My family is the basis for my understanding in love. Not God or religion. Not any school education. Not any damned Disney movie. I love my family and know true, unconditional love because they taught me what it was by loving me. I would do anything for them and vice versa.

This is my support. This is my comfort. This is everything I have ever searched for. I just wish it were easier to have closer. If my brother ever chose to move back to Spokane, I would go there in a minute. I'm contemplating going back to be closer to my parents anyways. Sometimes I feel like the glue.

I don't know what I was doing for my adolescent years... I wish I spent all my time with my family. And Anna and Lizzie of course because they're honorary family. I just wish I could go back, knowing to charish every day as they came. Running to the General Store beyond my Grammie's house for sweets with my brother. Family trips to forests and lakes. Max and Nancy's cabin and The Beatles and our walks and hummingbirds on the porch. Christmas mornings when my parents would surprise us with so many toys our heads would spin. And so much more. Especially the group hugs...

Every waking moment of my life has been made better by my family and I would never trade them for anything. I make sure they know it every damn day, too. My beautiful family.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 25 January :: 9.22pm

adrift and not so at peace

i don't know what i want.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 25 January :: 6.32am

im sad for the world and america.

like being around a train wreck and being forced to watch.

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 21 January :: 7.18pm

I always think of all these whitty retorts that are super shitty to say to people. But then I'm too much of a weenie to say anything. I wish I was more of a bitch sometimes. I wish I had nads like Kayla. She's such a boss.

leave me love

godessalthena

:: 2017 18 January :: 10.53pm

why does it feel like i give and people take and that's it

i feel like my cup is empty

but nothing i do to fill it seems to work

leave me love

goodbye

:: 2017 18 January :: 9.27pm

Kayla won't let me be hopeless. I'll open up to her and she'll come up with a ton of new ways to approach things. She's amazing. How have I ever lived without her?

I feel like I need to do something special for my dear friends. I have developed such deep reltionships with so many people over the years. Some of the relationships I worked so hard to cultivate over the course of my lifetime have simply gone "poof"...and that accentuates how meaningful and close my other friendships are. My 12 dear friends - about half of whom I regularly speak with due to distance mostly.... I have to think of something I can make for them. I wish they were all as sentimental as I am. I wish I could express their importance to me by doing one thing or giving one thing.i have to do it now or it may be too late.

Julius gave me a very thoughtful gift for Christmas. He gave me a picture of his daughter. She is such a sweet little thing. I would just hold onto her forever if I could. And I will!

So the process begins - the process by which I give the most thoughtful gift of all. I will Leslie Knope the shit out of this.

leave me love