I reach for the bottle and disappear

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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this

:: 2017 7 April :: 5.42pm

happy birthday to me
vacation's all i ever wanted
vacation got to get away

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 2 April :: 7.00pm

Godzilla

:: 2017 1 April :: 4.01pm

I am not better than anyone else on this planet. All humans are living on the same Earth. We all have different shades of skin, different beliefs, different incomes and educations and dreams, even different tastes in music. But we'll all be carbon in the end, floating on the same little rock, circling the same little star, in outer space.

You're not better either so stop using slurs and stop expelling hate and stop acting like you're more important.

Have a little compassion for others.

:: 2017 31 March :: 11.09pm

shit shouldn't be this fucking HARD

my chest contains a heavy stone, where my heart used to be.

some days feel like heavy clouds trying to choke any semblance of joy out of me.

i always have been and always will be worthless.

life is pain. we are all alone. no one will every really understand us. nothing really matters in the end. when your flesh is burned or buried. to be eaten by worms or breathed in by animals. but you will be dead.

:: 2017 31 March :: 8.36pm

i still have as much of a clue as to what i'm doing with my life as i did 10 years ago.

absolutely no fucking clue

:: 2017 31 March :: 10.20am

women are a commodity not people
women are a natural resource, a status symbol, a toy
women owe men for everything men do for them
they are only worth the sex they give freely
and if they try to take some power back by charging for sex they are vilified
women aren't people
women are tools to use in the gratifications nd fulfillment of men

if you treat us nicely, we owe you sex
if you buy us dinner, we owe you sex
if we are nice and friendly to you, we owe you sex
if we smile in your general direction, we owe you sex

if you rape us and ruin our lives, you shouldn't be punished because you have your whole life ahead of you
if you rape us and make us pregnant, we have to keep the baby with no support from you because we should have made better decisions with our bodies
if you rape us and we speak out, we are the whores who asked for it

but yeah, women have it pretty good. we have the power. we are in control.

but of what?

we are brainwashed from an early age that we aren't anything but bitches and hoes.
we are told we can achieve anything, but we are never treated equally
we are looked down upon
we are too emotional
we aren't strong enough
we are too shy
we are too outspoken

we are told to blaze our own trail, but if it isn't in high heels and full make up, you don't want it
we are told to shoot for the stars, while we are locked in cages
we are told to be ourselves and unique, but are shamed and scorned if we do not conform to the status quo
everything is quid pro quo for us

of all the jobs i've had, the one i stayed at the longest is the only one i haven't been sexually harassed at. it is one of the main reason i have stayed here this long.

but all of this means little or nothing to a majority of men. they don't see the problems because they don't have to wake up and hope they aren't assaulted, discounted or ridiculed because of their gender. ignorance is bliss. and no one wants to walk a mile in stilettos.

:: 2017 16 March :: 7.41am

i gave my everything

to all the wrong things

:: 2017 10 March :: 10.49pm

am i depressed or am i happy?

im paranoid

:: 2017 10 March :: 5.14pm

every visit to a doctors office simply reaffirms the strong loathing and detestment i feel for the medical profession

:: 2017 8 March :: 9.23pm

yeah......... but why?

:: 2017 7 March :: 10.23am

endlessly behind at work makes me feel anxious

mandatory overtime makes me mad

i just want a legitimate day off

:: 2017 2 March :: 10.24pm

go see logan you won't regret it

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2017 1 March :: 8.05pm

i need to get some ear plugs for jams

because i already am half deaf i don't need help the rest of the way

sometimes the guitar teacher comes. she hasn't really played electric before but her and juanholio are pretty fairly matched when it comes to general skill and knowledge

he gets a special glimmer in his eye when she comes over it's cute

i hate how hopelessly hermity i am. but making friends is hard and talking to strangers that could turn into friends is the terrifying.

meh

:: 2017 26 February :: 9.01am

I had a PTSD flashback last night. Accompanied by long-lasting ticks and about 3 lbs of tears.

That is the first time I've experienced something like that... it was very frightening. It's difficult being out of control of your body and emotions. I really need some help with this. I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow.

:: 2017 19 February :: 9.27pm

All day has been a painful memory. Tearful moments of wishing things were different than they turned out to be. It's not gone and will never be gone.

My family was here at least. At least they were by my side. That's all I need. I can count on them. It feels so good to just be myself at least with three people on Earth... and a puppy, of course. Judgement-free.

Love and respect and home is all I need to feel right now. It's a big bandaid that's stretched over a deep wound that doesn't seem to heal. One half of the bandaid slips off and support is the adhesive that secures it again. My family is everything to me.

:: 2017 17 February :: 7.01pm

3 out of 4 individuals on the special project team has the favorite animal of a giraffe

coincidence?

i think there's a definite correlation between weirdos and giraffe lovers.

oh and geniuses.

:: 2017 16 February :: 10.02am

there's a hole in the bottom of my heart
and all my blood is spilling into my organs

:: 2017 16 February :: 6.40am

im tired and i am filled with sadness and disappointment with myself

i wish i could erase what happened

i wish i could have been smarter sooner

i wish i hadn't been such a shitty person

being with him makes me feel like i need to forget my past and pretend i was just born yesterday. i don't like hurting him, but i don't like being silent forever.

i just want to give up. it was easier when i wasn't loved.

:: 2017 14 February :: 6.21pm

i love dog stars they make the commute home even better

:: 2017 12 February :: 10.28pm

everything is slightly up and to the left of center

not sure i like it

:: 2017 11 February :: 3.40pm

Headaches starting. I need iron pills to balance my lack of it this week. Every time it's the same thing - migranes all week long. I need to also get a cast iron skillet. I think i'll make that my plan this weekend.

I also need to clean and get my taxes done. I always get so nervous when I have to take care of them but procrastinate because they suck. Some things make me very much dislike being an adult.

I'm going to talk with my parents when they come over next weekend. I'm getting ill thinking about it. But it's something I have to do... this weekend anniversary will be particularly rough.

I can't wait until it's all over and I can just relax and be myself. Maybe I should take some time off during the transition... I could use some days for rejouvenation and mental health. All this vilification is killing me.

I wonder if I'll ever find something good again.

:: 2017 9 February :: 3.25pm

we presented our solution and options for moving forward today to all the big wigs

despite our dry run the hour before hand being really rough, we really pulled through at the end

while we were derailed a few times by the attendees that were not the intended audience, the top 2 executives for our department were very impressed and happy with what was presented

it feels so fucking good to have this milestone done

in just 30 days we solved a problem that's been plaguing the boss man for 4 years.

we are the fucking kings and queens of promise

:: 2017 7 February :: 11.45am

Punch me in the gut just to see if I can breathe.

I'm contemplating something drastic. This choice will affect my whole life.

But I can't keep going on like this.

:: 2017 7 February :: 7.34am

going dairy free for 3 weeks taught me my body hates dairy

day 2 of gluten free and it feels like i've been eating nothing but milk and cheese

fml

:: 2017 5 February :: 10.52pm

I need to change my life.

I am a puppet following a script others have written for my one-man show. The social and societal obligations are overwhelming me and I feel like I'm on the edge.

As I am is not enough for anyone.

I can't be who everyone wants me to be.

:: 2017 3 February :: 9.13pm

OMG I fucking LOVE Lu so much! She is everything. I am especially stoked for her finishing all my sentences and getting my movie quotes XD

Friends are such treasures <3

:: 2017 2 February :: 8.16pm

im mad

but i got some really cute clothes today

im most excited for the hello kitty dress with strawberries and a lace peter pan collar. it is so cute i could die

:: 2017 1 February :: 10.06pm

how do you decide when you're ready for kids?

now that it might actually be obtainable, i am getting very cold feet.

my track record is full of bad decisions... is this pontientally one more?

am i parent material?

:: 2017 30 January :: 2.57pm

i watched a documentary on netflix yesterday called HOLY HELL and i have to admit it struck a strong resonance with me.

there's one part where they are talking to one of the Buddhafield members and she was crying and just repeating "we trusted you".

and deep inside me i felt this overwhelming sympathy. i know exactly how that feels. when you entrust your whole being to another human. you give them all your love, faith, patience, service, time and energy. and in return they abuse this gift, and they warp it to satisfy their narcissistic megalomania. and you are left feeling empty, hollow and so utterly betrayed.

and the road to recovery is a long one. we all want to be loved and accepted and included so badly, that we allow others to treat us like refuse. we let them take from us to help them feel full, while depleting ourselves. while they full well know there is a hole in their heart and they will never be full.

but they just keep taking until someone finally wakes up.

and it hurts.

but we are not alone in our pain.

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