I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2016 27 September :: 9.40pm

what is real

and just a dream

:: 2016 27 September :: 6.04am

after the shit storm that has been the last few weeks, there is a light on the horizon.

finally finished the office. i've never experienced office life quite like that, but i can relate at least a little. excellent show.

now to finish quantum leap.

:: 2016 24 September :: 12.28am

definitely not getting any sleep tonight

:: 2016 22 September :: 10.12pm

if i close my eyes and imagine laying in my favorite field of clover and sunlight with you, will you ease my pain?

if i hold out my hand in the dark will i find yours there next to me?

i wish i could cuddle with you again, in the early morning hours in your leather chair. could i forget all that's happened since then? can we sit in the golden montana sun and snore our lives away? i miss you so much. i wish i could have hugged you one last time.

why are things always so fucking painful? why are people so terrible? why does everything turn into a burning pile of charred ash and cinder..

i just want to sleep forever. i feel so dead inside.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 22 September :: 8.24am
:: Music: FIDLAR bad habits

sometimes i really want to become a drug addict

:: 2016 22 September :: 6.56am

the sun is no longer up when i go to work :(

:: 2016 21 September :: 9.17pm

a lil drunk

feelin pretty grood

not worried about too much besides my internet being a fucking bastard

y u no netflix & chill, vizio?

going to portugal. the man in november. bought everyone tickets for their birthdays. i love me some scorpios man.

what da fuq for halloween doe.. dayman and nightman? harambe and a banana? the fox and the little princess?

i don't know man. i just don't know.

:: 2016 16 September :: 2.11pm

gotta take a picture.

but first gotta find the damn thing.

still haven't unpacked from my move a year ago.

:: 2016 16 September :: 1.56pm

I never didn't care.

I need to be alot nicer than I have been. I haven't been thinking about how this will affect others or myself at all. My dumb mouth.

:: 2016 14 September :: 8.07pm

I don't like the way I'm feeling right now

my stomach sinking

all the blood rushing to my trunk

I just feel so frustrated that you won't talk time about anything.

:: 2016 13 September :: 12.04pm

this dead heart of mine is a heavy burden to carry.

I used to think maybe I wasn't meant to carry it alone

but every day that passes it seems more and more like a fact

I am not made to be happy. I am not made to love.

I am not made for anything. I am a tamed animal that's been left alone to waste away.

this hollowness I feel grows more every day. temporarily am I filled, but only to have it slip out of my cracked base.

i watch the wind through the trees and feel the brisk autumn air against my exposed flesh.

I feel nothing but meaningless inside.

:: 2016 13 September :: 7.52am

disappointment

why can't you be a little more responsible?

or why am I such a responsible old windbag?

:: 2016 12 September :: 11.38pm

The storm is far from passing. The rain beats down. The wind howls. The cold bites at exposed skin. The elements are unforgiving. My poncho blew away a long time ago.

All time low isn't just a band's name.

:: 2016 8 September :: 10.05pm

I can make it if I tired

I closed my eyes I kept on swimming

:: 2016 7 September :: 8.11pm

Kayla said that I was her best friend and could be her Maid of Honor.

I can't believe someone liked me that much to seek out a friendship with me and cultivate it. I feel so special.

:: 2016 7 September :: 4.41am

Can't sleep.
Awake at 4am. Mind got rolling on the idea of what I would tell people and do differently if I went back through my own timeline. Probably 4th grade is when I would start. I would tell my parents about the life events, the tragedies in the world, the stocks to buy. I would warn my friends of the dangers coming to them. I would avoid certain people and embrace others ahead of when I actually met them. I would tell Skyler and Jed not to kill himselves. I would tell Mike and my brother to get their health in order. I would gain more education, go to a better school, live a healthier life with more experiences. I wish.

:: 2016 5 September :: 11.13pm

splurged on some new clothing today. torrid was having a buy one get one free clearance so I stocked up. a lil reward for paying off my car! I deserve it!

I just hope it all fits. the shitty thing is no returns... but let's be honest I'm too fucking lazy to go into a store.

I have some Blazers that never get worn.. I want to start wearing them more often just because. I'll dress up on Tuesdays, since men have tie Tuesday.

and maybe I'll get some new lipstick too...

:: 2016 2 September :: 8.40am

Shame is a useless emotion. It doesn't make us humble, it creates guilt. And I refuse to entertain it any longer. A healthy level of shamelessness is exactly what I need.

:: 2016 31 August :: 9.07pm

maybe I really am just not ready

I fucking hate that motherfucker. I hate who I've become. who he trained me to be. I am so weak. still a slave to those putrid habits.

I am broken indefinitely. with broken strings it's hard to fix oneself.

:: 2016 31 August :: 2.09pm

Bye, Felicia.

:: 2016 30 August :: 8.05am

reasons I hate work:

- nothing ever works
- offshore processing
- NOTHING EVER WORKS
- OFFSHORE PROCESSING

:: 2016 28 August :: 8.19pm

https://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m32jiuPYS41qhigt0o1_500.gif

:: 2016 28 August :: 10.27am

oh my god I am tired

:: 2016 25 August :: 10.08pm

off to the tri cities for another Mexican birthday celebration and the taco guy

he makes the most delicious tacos, and to watch him prepare them is a treat

camping out in the back yard in a tent

it's going to be how you say

el mejor

:: 2016 24 August :: 12.51pm

I never have been

And I never will be

good enough

:: 2016 22 August :: 9.52am

probably the best thing growing my hair out has going for me:

EPIC HEAD BANGING

:: 2016 20 August :: 3.28pm

he's sawing adorable logs on the couch next to me

I gently touch his butt

he wiggles and makes the cutest sleep chuckle

I could die so cute

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 19 August :: 9.30am

so some good news after the terrible horrible no good very bad day yesterday...

I PAID OFF MY CAR NOTE

now to just get the title and she's mine ALL MIIIIIIINE

:: 2016 18 August :: 11.42am

I live fat ugly and stupid
I'll die old alone and unloved

I try so hard to be seen
but I've never been more invisible

:: 2016 17 August :: 9.52pm

http://www.theonion.com/article/i-cant-do-anymore-think-320-million-americans-quie-53534

Every single day of the last 3 and a half years of my life.