I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2016 15 August :: 9.55pm

♥ If you're there for me, that's all I'll ever need.

:: 2016 15 August :: 5.25pm

I fuck up too much to be a good relationship partner.

I can't feel enough to be a good relationship partner.

I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.

:: 2016 14 August :: 9.20am

I feel so fucking guilty for being a home body.

but the older I get the less and less I want to spend time with new humans. they just aren't worth it.

especially now that I am the DD 99% of the the time. being the sober cat around a bunch of drunk dogs fickin blows. no amount of being checked on will make me have a better time.

I'm just a big old lame ass. I can't even get drunk anymore. my belly starts to hurt before I feel anything.

I suck.

:: 2016 12 August :: 6.40pm

I could be happy forever with my cinnamon girl

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 8 August :: 11.48am

got my in person interview tomorrow!!!

so excite much nerves!

:: 2016 5 August :: 6.56pm

optimistic about a new role at LM. I really hope I get it. I'm nervous because they have a few people that they didn't hire last round they are considering, but I'm thinking

+ they have had this post up forever, but the recruiter really wants to move me to the next round

+ this recruiter is the same one who moved me forward in the last adjuster role I had. the remembered me and was very warm and friendly. I feel that she will fight a lil harder for me.

+ my boss gave me all the tips to win the interview. she has been so supportive of me my whole career

- I am leaving her team but I want to be on her team so badly

I just feel so stressed about meeting my numbers down there, by the end of the day I'm just completely fried. I shouldn't have to justify leaving to myself, it's a nice pay increase for me and after being here for 6 years I feel like I should be higher than a grade 9... it's a little embarrassing I guess..

I just want to get myself out of this hole and start saving and living my life. I feel like I spent all this wasted money on the shittiest part of my life and now I have to keep paying for it during the best years I've ever had. it fucking sucks.

but that's what I get for being irresponsible. and I still am. I don't know if that's a lesson I will ever actually learn. I think JP having this job will really help me spend less. it's just so hard to get to know someone when you have no place to go.

and let's be honest, my time is running out.

:: 2016 2 August :: 7.30pm

between Thursday and Sunday I drove 1200 miles. that is the longest I've driven in such a short period of time.

I definitely could never be a truck driver. too much.

but I will say, the trip was totally worth it. I love the ocean. and the beach. how very small it makes you feel.

and some of those twisty roads were super fun. I would love to be a rally car driver.

:: 2016 30 July :: 4.30pm

I just wanna be home in my own bed with my own puppies. I am so over driving.

:: 2016 29 July :: 6.08am

It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears...

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 27 July :: 10.17pm

I'm alive. I'm okay. You haven't beat me. I feel good, all be it tired.

Just gonna be myself for as long as I can.

:: 2016 27 July :: 7.33am

final day of the elimination diet/cleanse. I have learned a few things:

1 I will never be vegan
2 I am not allergic to foods
3 I feel bad no matter what I eat
4 vegans are crazy

tonight I will be in Leavenworth with my Emily! tomorrow... THE OCEAN

:: 2016 25 July :: 10.13pm

Maybe having faith in people is okay. Maybe I should believe that things will turn out well.

Somewhere along the way I lost sight of what really matters. Love and positivity and hope.

Life is beautiful and people can try and ruin it but despite their trying, they can't change that.

:: 2016 25 July :: 8.23pm

so close to the end, 2 more days left.

today I had a big juicy rib eye, rare. I feel full for the first time in 5 days and it's nice.

:: 2016 21 July :: 2.41pm

day 1 of elimination diet: fucking shitty as fuck

I might die.

:: 2016 20 July :: 7.36am

today's the big day.

things will work out. he's a great salesman.

I have to ask Zoe for baby tokes back and the thought makes my tummy wrench. I hope she isn't mean to me.

bleh

:: 2016 18 July :: 5.35am

I want to grab you, shake you violently and scream at you

you are good enough
you are incredibly skilled
THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK IS YOURSELF

stop crying over the way things have been
start making things be what you want them to be

YOU are the one driving
YOU are in control of how you react to the shit show that is life

YOU have to stand up and walk

:: 2016 15 July :: 7.31am

we can get better cause we're not dead yet.

but what if there's no better and this is the best it'll ever be.

I have a good job, a man, food, entertainment, nature.. so why do I still feel this void inside of me.

:: 2016 14 July :: 7.30am

so... what happens next?

write your own story. you're the heroine, you're the winner. write history.

:: 2016 13 July :: 10.26pm

This evening I felt a strong longing for who I was back in high school. I always felt myself when I dressed in black and had zippers and eyeliner and wasn't just like all the sheep around me. I find myself listening to my favorite bands from back then, yearning to be back with my friends at the LAN or the mall, playing video games, wearing Tripp, not giving any fucks...

Maybe I should try dressing like that once more and see how I feel. I could find something at Hot Topic for sure... may take some navigating around all the fandom now-a-days but hopefully... hopefully...

Plus, I still have 1 dress left that may still fit me in my closet in Spokane. I'll have to check it out and do the whole thing - the clothes, the makeup, the accessories, the playlist... and then maybe go on a DDR excersion. Yes?

:: 2016 8 July :: 4.57pm

oh god come quickly I can feel the earth beneath my feet

I'm feeling badly, it's not an attempt at decency

:: 2016 5 July :: 9.00pm

"Non, je ne suis la belette de personne."

:: 2016 4 July :: 7.58pm

happy 240th bday America

who knows how many more you'll have

better enjoy them now

as a kid it was always so much more magical

now it's just another day

no fireworks or picnics

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 1 July :: 8.31pm

the constant need to prove my capabilities is tiresome. as a woman I feel as though I must always be at my best, always have to prove I'm worth something

i hate that I was born with a vagina. I hate everything that comes with it. that feeling that you'll never quite be good enough, even if you are the best.

so some of us give up.. and are harshly judged. there is no winning. there is no victory. there is no headway. but it's a non issue. we are second class citizens, and our struggles aren't real. they are just some form of hysteria

so get back into the kitchen, kick off those shoes, you're gonna be making sandwiches for a while yet ladies.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2016 29 June :: 4.33pm

I just tried on an Oculus.

Holy fucking shit.

:: 2016 29 June :: 2.23pm

and just like that, a friendship ends.

why do I keep becoming friends with psychological vampires.

:: 2016 25 June :: 10.10pm

I just want to fucking bawl my eyes out

why do I fuckin ruin everything

why are people so fuckin weird

why is this a fucking issue every single time

I just want to be normal, and that was robbed from me

I will always be weird inside I will always be lame.

:: 2016 21 June :: 5.35pm

Where was your heart
When we needed it most?
Live in denial
And I'll be your ghost
There is nothing to let go
Only time will let you know
If you're worth anything
and you know then
That I'm giving up way too early
Let the axis turn you free
And destroy everything you love

The world looks better when you're falling
Grace to comfort enough to crawling
Divided we must
Pray for the broken
No one could fix us
We are, we'll always be
The wronged

:: 2016 17 June :: 11.54pm

I wish I had never been born

:: 2016 16 June :: 12.33pm

Are peace and understanding really that impossible? I feel like it's really not that hard to picture a world without violence. If I can withstand punching someone for cutting me off in traffic, cannot two enemies learn to just agree to disagree? I get feeling strongly about something. I get that. But don't be so selfish. Don't expect other people to agree with you.

:: 2016 16 June :: 7.56am

things are never easy and simple. and if they appear to be, you will likely end up paying dearly for it in the future.