I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2021 21 September :: 10.35am

another rejection.

we get what we deserve.

trash deserves to be burned

:: 2021 20 September :: 1.26pm

I just want to hear back about this job

:: 2021 29 August :: 12.45pm
:: Music: sleep

an open letter to the people in my life
spinning in place, hurdling thru eternity, being painfully aware of the absurdity of life, and consciousness..

I'm thankful I'm on my journey with the people I am. even if we haven't actually met. it means so much that you all joined me at one time or another. if you're still with me or we've had to say good bye... you changed my course, and I'm grateful we touched each other in some way.

life is so precious, and fleeting, and absurd, painful, frustrating, beautiful, ephemeral... I know I'm ungrateful and thankless often, but I do appreciate the little time I had on this planet, and all the people who have made it possible.

sincerely - thank you

:: 2021 2 August :: 10.49am

things can't be perfect all the time, that I know.

I will not say one word, I'll just hang around... I won't annoy you at all. when you move out I'll stay until I'm thrown away . but then it won't matter.

sometimes we just have to let some things go.

:: 2021 2 August :: 6.43am

all my dreams are dead.

I'll never afford a nice house, or a yard.

I'll never have that high paying job that will grant me a lil financial independence.

I'll never achieve anything.

this world is beyond fucked, and everyone has their heads in the sand.

:: 2021 15 July :: 12.12pm

broke my first bone today... in my right foot. being a clumsy dumbass.

:: 2021 11 July :: 8.05am

when you can't shake the feeling that you're a stranger in your own body

unrecognizable feelings and ideas, who am I, what am I doing. in the immense weights and hopeless nights.

the absolute absurdity of life, emotions, memory... ultimately we are all forgotten, like we never existed.. consumes me every waking moment. I see all the colors, but I don't even know if I'm seeing them right

:: 2021 10 July :: 8.36am

it's been a year since his dad passed away.. time fucking flies and drags at the same time. this is going to be a rough day...

:: 2021 26 June :: 4.21pm

when your ex's oldest brother passed away before he's 35.... what do you even say?

my heart is broken.. fucking what the fuck

:: 2021 12 June :: 1.42am

I hate when a bunch of drunk assholes show up at 1am and start shouting in my home while I'm trying to sleep.

no I don't want to come out there and talk to drunk people who won't remember the convo tomorrow.

I went to bed TO FUCKING SLEEP

:: 2021 4 June :: 6.43am

"When it feels scary to jump, that's exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying the same place your whole life. And that I can't do."
- j c chandor

:: 2021 21 May :: 8.47am

I hate that feeling of being needed, but taken for granted.

like y'all don't really need me despite how much I do for you.

and I'm left holding that short straw in our life dingy, the next to give my body for nourishment. and unlike the plane crash in the Andes, there is no gratitude. just more fucking trash.

I'm sinking to the bottom, and as I look up to the fading light, I can see the last starlight I'll ever see, into the crushing depths. to feed the bottom dwellers or maybe just feed some scavengers.

and just never be found or thought of again.

I am dead inside

:: 2021 20 May :: 7.22am

"you just seemed so honest, but sexy"

is honesty not normally a sexy trait...? oh craigslist you confuse the heck out of me haha

:: 2021 11 May :: 8.28am

this extreme tiredness doesn't seem to want to leave

but I'm so damn tired

:: 2021 6 May :: 9.35am

everyone I love seems to be drowning in alcohol

and they are too drunk to admit they need to change anything

and literally every serious topic is a joke

please just stop lying to me...

:: 2021 17 April :: 9.46pm

had a really good birthday, just feeling pretty good about life when not looking at the parts I don't like.

it's going to be hard going back to work on Monday...

:: 2021 3 April :: 10.44am

when you realize you've become a shallow dish of the great lake you once we're

drying up like a river in california

molecule by molecule you've been dissapating into thin air

and everyone can see straight through you and none of them like what they see

vacuous space where a heart used to be, cold fingers, clammy hands, glass eyes and plastic beads for stuffing

you become one with the icy artic winds blowing over this fucked up landscape. a numbess enters you, fixing to your very core. labored breathing and far away eyes, trying to capture the warmth from you nostalgia.

just another deep emptiness of a human. wasting polluted air, generating more filth and trash. a creature so utterly lost from their home, trapped in artificial mazes of their own creation. dizzying and pointless, their minds grasping at foolish ideas of gods and cosmic flow.

when we all truly know what we come from and what we return to... endless quiet nothing. no sun, no water, no breeze or bushy trees bowing in the wind. just the end. the nothing. the nowhere. the deepest sleep.

:: 2021 30 March :: 6.56am

so excited for birthday plans I could explode!

visit em in seattle
go to the actual ocean
staying in a fancy condo
sushi with the bestie
a whole week and change off work

oh I forgot... and getting some ink done
and the dogs are getting groomed

ahhh cannot wait

ugh so so ready for a break

:: 2021 23 March :: 9.02am

sometimes I worry I'm broken

cuz I can't cry anymore

:: 2021 25 February :: 6.32am

next month is unofficially 11 years with my employer.

11 years of misery, but I'm still here.

:: 2021 21 February :: 12.19pm

I'm just so BORED

:: 2021 9 February :: 7.48am

I hate when shows are cancelled with no resolution

:: 2021 1 February :: 8.13am
:: Mood: crushed

had to quit d&d because someone was being paranoid that I was trying to get him killed and fucking tried at me for how I play the game.

if it was the first time is be like whatever, even if it was the 3rd time, but this shit has been going on at least a year and I'm fucking over it.

I'm not really used to people hating me like that for no reason. I'm not great at the game, the rules are convoluted and boring, I just wanted to role play. but I couldn't even do that without someone always talking over me.

just like in my real life. I'm so fucking boring people can't even wait until I'm done talking before they start their own story.

I'm so boring even my bf constantly ditches me.

I'm literally the most boring doormat. you just want me money and my effort, you don't want ME.

it feels like no one wants me.
rejected toy painted with lead paint
repugnant petulant

MUNDANE, MOROSE, TEDIOUS, DULL, DISAPPOINTING, CHUCKLEHEAD dumb ass bitch.

I hate every day.

:: 2021 29 January :: 11.47pm

had to quit d&d

I'm bummed

but I'm done wasting my precious time off dealing with that asshat.

:: 2021 27 January :: 8.25am

in my freshman year in college I had a lot of feminine issues and saw SEVERAL doctors

but the one I remember the most was the one that handed me a mirror and let me watch the exam and told me what I was looking at.

that woman made a fundamental difference to my life, and I wish I could thank her. I hope she's alive and well and doing well.

:: 2021 22 January :: 1.19pm

I'm starting to feel like there are only like 5 people who would call me a friend.

the rest are just people I interact with occasionally, for 5 years, we can't be friends.

I just can't fucking make friends.

:: 2021 19 January :: 8.31am
:: Music: smashmouth Lord help me

smashmouth and cake always remind me of better times. I've been looking back more and more at my experiences, and I feel myself slipping away into a lethal kind of nostalgia.

I miss the friends I used to have.
I miss giving a strong impression of a sense of self.
I miss having fun.

All I really want are more people I can laugh until I cry with.

:: 2021 13 January :: 3.16pm

what ever happened to ska?
remember the mickey avalon concert where we met?

and that birthday party. all those birthday parties.

I miss you friend, I wonder where you disappeared to, why you ghosted me, and if you're still doing alright.

I hope things are good for you. you deserve the best

:: 2021 12 January :: 6.10am

regret is a deep rabid river, constantly trying to pull you under

:: 2021 2 January :: 11.50pm

is it just me or deep at it's core metal is really fucking dorky? have you actually ever listened to the lyrics

the guitar licks may be sick, but those words knock it out if me