I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2016 20 March :: 8.19pm

he's got me lookin so crazy right now

goodbye

:: 2016 17 March :: 8.18am
:: Music: Smashing Pumpkins

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.

:: 2016 16 March :: 5.18pm

friends
the dragons we face alone in the sunlight
burned out faces and faded sparks
people husks drifting in and out
looking for the start of a fire

with all their eyes watching
fortify your mettle
bravery is only as far as your heart
use my key to open the door into you

the people see only with their eyes
blind to what's hidden there on your heart
an essential secret only I rightly see
a little jewel inside a protective case

I will go with you
I'll face my demons too
you are never all alone
because I carry your heart in my heart
with me where ever I go

:: 2016 16 March :: 5.12pm

I'm just begging you to give up on me
have to find the reason that will make you say goodbye
fast forward to the end without knowing the whole story
but I like to assume anyway

what dirty laundry will make you run
my panties out on a line for the whole world to see
does it smell sweet
I find it all so repugnant
but you see right through to me

I'm just finding the reason for you
counting the days until you lose my number
become another great what if
the pieces I'm made up of

:: 2016 15 March :: 6.27am

daylight savings can suck my dick

:: 2016 13 March :: 8.49am

dogs are just the fuckin best animal out there

I love you bubba and baby dog <3

:: 2016 10 March :: 7.41am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Vanessa Carlton - Rinse

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

:: 2016 9 March :: 7.39pm

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. please don't make me go. I just want to stay home and forget the world exists.

I dread work every single day. I dread it all weekend. time crawls by when I'm there. and the worst part is that it's a really nice job. the people are nice, the money is nice, the work isn't ridiculous.

I just fucking hate being there. it's lonely. and monotonous. and complex for complexity's sake. it's hard to always be the bad guy.

and I am so sick of commuting I might rip my eyes out. I need to stop taking the freeway and start exploring more.

:: 2016 8 March :: 9.49pm

and just like that I feel the flutters slipping away.

my heart is heavy. nostalgia ripping me apart.

yearning for simpler days.

I miss the summers, when love was still so sweet and new. I miss feeling like the world might have some hope.

but there is no hope.

:: 2016 6 March :: 8.50am

I'm tired of being warped..

:: 2016 3 March :: 5.06pm

must not sabotage
must not sabotage

stop looking for reasons to say no
start saying yes
unless it's really a no, never feel guilty for saying no

it just seems too good to be true
I'm waiting for an axe to fall

but maybe it never will..?

when can I stop being cautious? am I even capable?

:: 2016 2 March :: 6.45am

a promising first date makes me very excited.

now to decide if the second date should be today.. or some other day..

all I know is I said "not the first time we hang out" and he respected that!!

what is this gypsy magic

:: 2016 28 February :: 7.55am

this train woke up on the wrong side of the tracks

now we are careening downhill at 200 km/hr just waiting to hop the rail and sail into a wooded oblivion

:: 2016 27 February :: 3.29pm

sometimes I wish I could disappear.
swallow a pill and forget the past 20 years.
start over fresh with eyes that are new.
sick and tired of this twisted point of view.

:: 2016 25 February :: 9.42pm

just know that I love you.

:: 2016 23 February :: 5.17pm

"it blows to miss someone you hate"

I've been missing him for what feels like an eternity. I don't want to miss you anymore.

:: 2016 20 February :: 7.31am

this weekend much fun what excitement

all credit cards at zero balance? roger roger
ready to tackle student loans? shoot to kill
possibly fixed my trunk issue on my own? I would like to thank my training as a technical support associate -- could taking out the battery and putting it back in fix the problem?? let's find out!
losing weight and feeling good about my curves? can I get a hallelujah amen!
dropping cymbalta like its a bad habit? work in progress... reimagining user personality matrix.. calibrating emotional interface regulators... rebooting mother drive (continuously)...

my boss's boss is pregnant, she is due March 25. her baby is named Cole. we measured her belly and all guessed the due date, and then our business analyst sent out pictures of 6 babies and we had to guess which manager started as the babies. it was pretty adorkable. then people brought in their babies the day after. so many babies. and everyone is pregnant. it's making me feel more and more insecure about my lack of children.

:: 2016 16 February :: 6.08pm
:: Mood: hopeful

And everyday I wake, I tell myself a little harmless lie.....

The whole wide world is mine....

:: 2016 12 February :: 10.46pm

why is it I always want to write in you when I'm drunk In a bar

:: 2016 9 February :: 6.42am

the morning always comes way too soon..

:: 2016 8 February :: 6.46am

saying goodbye to an old, very dear friend today.

sleep well baci, go well with your sister. go chase that big gopher in the sky.

we will miss your little skips, the song of your people, your skanky beard and your shivering bits. your cute waggy tail. your huge bat ears..

your time with us has been highly treasured. and we will remember you with warmth and happiness.

good bye.. little baci bean

:: 2016 6 February :: 8.50pm

expressing my deep
inner thoughts...

clinging to a pole in a hurricane
climbing a sheer vertical cliff with no gear

I just need you to ask the right questions.

I honestly don't know how I feel 99% of the time. not saying anything makes it easier to change my mind about how I felt when a decision was made.

:: 2016 4 February :: 7.50am

happy birthday to one of my absolutely favorite people!! ALEXZ YOU ROCK!!!! I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend <3 <3

:: 2016 2 February :: 5.08pm

when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

:: 2016 1 February :: 7.27am

day 1 of new shift...

someone shoot. meh.

hopeful long being off at 4:15 will be its own reward

:: 2016 29 January :: 7.40am

so many crafts.. so little time!!!

:: 2016 27 January :: 10.42pm

I hate you. i hate you so much. I hate that I loved you so much. I did everything for you.

I compromised my morals. I completely lost myself in you. all I could see was through your eyes, and every fiber of my being wanted to make you happy. I wanted to untwist your dark and damaged heart, because I could still see the hurt little boy underneath.

you encouraged me to face my demons. you pressured me into getting help I desperately needed. you were my best friend. I shared every inch of my labyrinth heart to you. I showed you more of me than anyone has ever seen.

but none of that could ever make you content. none of that ever meant a damn thing to you. you took my love and you used it against me. you poisoned me. three years later, and I'm still trying to clear the radioactive waste you left decaying in my chest. I am tainted, and every time I get close to someone, I am once again reminded of how you ruined me.

I wish there wasn't some demented part of me that still loves you. I should never have let you in. you've really taken 7 years of my life from me. and I know you'll continue to haunt me. there isn't a single day that passes where I don't think of you. you're still very much a part of me.

you torment me.

:: 2016 25 January :: 6.58pm

sometimes, you just need to be confided in by a new friend to make you feel like maybe all this pain and misery is worth it.

"I love you, friend" is just one of the best things to hear from such a sweet and thoughtful woman. I'm really glad I met Tracie, she always brightens my day at work. it sucks we can only talk at the end of the day.. she started just waiting for me, 15 whole minutes! just to talk with me.

I have some truly amazing ladies in my life. Alexz is always there, so fiercely loyal and wonderfully blunt. hearing shit talked straight is such a rare thing these days I feel like. and Zoe is just always my inner voice to keep fighting. she and I are almost the same person in so many ways, and yet in some ways we are so radically different. we balance each other well. these two women have saved my life on too many occasions to count.

in this horrible flood called life, I'm just thankful to have such steadfast boulders to be bound to.

Abe is always there for me, with this seemingly unconditional love. he is a much needed outlet and an excellent window.

and weed. it may be a crutch, but what do crutches do? they help people walk. I was crawling in the muddy dark, when weed grabbed my hand and helped me to stand.

but god damn, am I still filthy.

:: 2016 25 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: aggravated

so much to say.

no ability to get the words out.

i am pissed, hurt, confused, and relieved.

maybe i should do something stupid too.

:: 2016 23 January :: 7.53am
:: Mood: accomplished

when I look in the mirror, I love who I see. I even danced for myself in the mirror this morning.

I am a hot babe.