some days are really fucking black. the darkest of skies, the loudest screams in the wind. i can't escape from the sounds, a cacophony of insanity wraps itself deep into my inner ear. the birds have all left for winter, and soon the only sound will be of my feet on the ice and snow.

i found a dead bird at work a few weeks ago. it flew into the window. it couldn't decipher reflections from reality, and so it died. it was a little sparrow. not sure what kind, it's head was completely obliterated. i wanted to pick it up and bury it, but being at work and making a real effort to tune down my creepiness, i left him to nature's devices. the next day he was gone. I don't usually go out to that area, it was completely by chance that i should find him.

that sparrow caused memories to resurface. i was taken back to Seattle, where after some massive rain, i found a dead mouse outside of my dorm (which, incidentally, has been demolished and replaced with a newer facility. curse be on that infernal hell hole.), who i watched decay over a few weeks. we never had a ceremony like we talked about..

and then i think about all the years to come. all those days and nights, the heat and the rain, the pain and the joy... and it seems like such an eternity. people always say don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. what if the problem isn't temporary, though? my life has been a series of painful attacks on my person, some involuntary, some voluntary, and always, i have "overcome" them. but now i only feel an emptiness. i see everything through a cynical lens. the past seems so surreal. i don't even recognize myself.

but who is amelia anyway. who the fuck is she? she has done so many terrible, unspeakable things. she's done many wonderful things. but she's never right and she's never happy. all the cookie cutter people in her life create doubt in herself - they have never really known what its like to be victimized. they brush off my past as though it didn't happen, and all that matters for me is today. i can't do that. if my life was vanilla, okay, sure, i could just forget it, because there'd be nothing to remember. but i've lived more than the 27 years i am, and my experiences have colored the world in a dark light. the glass is stained from the soot of my burning psyche.

but some days are really good, and if i can distract myself enough, i can forget about the storms for a moment. i smoke a ridiculous amount of weed now. i feel a little terrible about it, maybe enough to quit it for a month.. after the holidays.. because i don't know how well i could handle them without it.

i think i am going to post some ads on craigslist looking for anyone who knows andrew. i need to know where he went. i need to know what kind of person he really was. i don't think i knew the andrew everyone else did. i am still stuck on him. almost a year later. i just need some closure.

i want to have the last word almost always. but this time, i need it. i need something. i am hoping maybe that will help me resolve some of these negative emotions, healing my ability to have a relationship someday.

i hate having such deep trust issues.

anyway. me and j got our nipples pierced together. samie was there, her boyfriend did the piercing. it was pretty radtastic and i think i am still riding that high. also: permanent high beams has been my dream since middle school.

DREAM ACHIEVED.

that's one mark on the "win" column.

1 left me love | leave me love