I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2015 16 January :: 10.07am

just got laid, Friday night. party's hopping, feeling right.

:: 2015 9 January :: 5.13am

the key to happiness involves two things:

1. invest in yourself. love yourself like you'd love your one true love. if you wouldn't do it to them, don't do it to yourself.

2. invest time in those who invest time into you. there are a lot of people vying for your attention, and not all of them will give you the respect you deserve. be a little choosy with your love, because the people you choose to love act like a mirror for how you love yourself.

I've learned so much since I started therapy. and not only learned, but held accountable for implementing and following through on these changes.

I also have become more and more convinced that karma is real. you get out of life what you put in, so I've been trying to avoid doing thing I wouldn't want to happen to me. and fighting for truth, love and justice.

like j says, there are going to be good days and there are going to be terrible days. it's impodtnat to remember that pain is temporary, and letting things go feels so much better than holding on when it comes to things like hatred, pain, jealousy, worthlessness, hopelessness, or revenge.

growing up hasn't really been fun, but with the tools I've aquired, and the skills I'm strengthening, I know my future will be much more fun than it was to get to this point.

p.s. I've lost 10lbs since November :D

:: 2015 6 January :: 9.26pm

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day turned into......

the best mental health day taken in a long time <3

much needed pb&j time completely recovered me. and helped me realize that it's okay to have bad days, as long as you give them the opportunity to get better.

I am eternally grateful to have an amazing support system. and I'm so glad Alexz and I were able to become so close! I would never have imagined!

:)

:: 2015 6 January :: 11.44am

life is too long to be good.

:: 2015 6 January :: 7.47am
:: Mood: cynical

sometimes, I just need to hear I'm not worthless.

and yet no one seems to be able to say it when I really need it.

I just want to feel like I'm not an insignificant speck of shit on a cold planet hurtling through a vast empty cosmos.

but that's all I am. and that's all I'll ever be, and it hurts.

there is no such thing as love, or happiness, or futures, or magic, or faeries. there's just a supermassive black hole slowly eating anything and everything that it touches. I can see it as it pulls me in, and I am completely powerless to stop it.

"And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

:: 2015 5 January :: 6.10am

another Monday. finals week starts tomorrow. but at least the stupid holiday season is over!!

it's my moms birthday today. I made her a hat. she hates her birthday, but hopefully this year is bearable!

5 left me love | leave me love

:: 2015 1 January :: 10.36pm

Time is so arbitrary.

Aging is not. Meat rocketships don't last forever. Fuck.

:: 2015 1 January :: 9.31am

this year, over all, sucked. but there were a few good parts. a lot of healing and growing.

hopefully this year will be better. and doesn't fly by.

:: 2014 28 December :: 8.27pm

so many things about now. I don't even know where to start..

what exactly is "living" at 26?

:: 2014 20 December :: 1.53pm

can I just go crawl in a hole and die? maybe in a whole where other disgusting filthy stupid losers have died before? that'd be great...

:: 2014 20 December :: 7.43am

South Park, on my second bowl, made Alfredo. not even 8 yet.

:: 2014 19 December :: 6.13pm

this week fucking sucked. outside of the awesome gift I got! I'm just really fucking bummed out and sad and feeling like a disgusting failure. a total joke.

what the fuck am I doing.

why?

just fucking why.

:: 2014 19 December :: 5.39pm

I was going to do an actual update.. but then I played with bitchelle until my fingers hurt and I feel a lil better.. so I'll save the update for later

:: 2014 17 December :: 6.57am

I feel like shit today. like that feeling were you are right on the edge of nausea.

I just want to go home a cuddle with my puppies.

:: 2014 13 December :: 8.19am

we have to call in some heart investigative team

:: 2014 12 December :: 6.22pm

today was an extremely (emotionally) shitty fucking day.

:: 2014 12 December :: 1.12pm
:: Music: the bravery

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for

:: 2014 9 December :: 7.26pm

I want to know what you're thinkin

:: 2014 7 December :: 12.51pm

I'm a shitty person.

:: 2014 4 December :: 11.28pm

this week has been pretty dang fun!!

went out with lala!! gotta see Alexz and help her pick out an awesome fish!! met an online friend I've known for a year and jammed out!!

definitely decided jam session are for me. fuck yeah. my fingers hurt.

:: 2014 29 November :: 1.27pm

I wish I was an extrovert

:: 2014 28 November :: 7.41am
:: Mood: enraged

what is it about thanksgiving that makes every ass hole I ever slept with and admitted feeling for feel the need to try and contact me again?

please, call me a cunt for not sleeping with you. I really, really love that. especially when you choose to do this at 2 AM after calling me while I'm still drunk from my family celebration. that is the quickest way into my pooter don't ya know?

now, this aside, I reeeeeeally want revenge. I really want to inflict some pain somehow. but I'm not sure how I would accomplish it. I'm just a fat warm hole for which pleasure can be derived, just like a million other stupid girls out there. I have no real power in the situation, and unfortunately I'm not entirely sure how to generate power at this stage in the game.

what I really need is a mentor. a man eater who is accomplished and has her skills honed to a fine and deadly point.

but where do you find them?

:: 2014 27 November :: 9.54am

I dreamt about my grandpa last night...

i miss him so much..

:: 2014 24 November :: 4.53pm

you start a band and suddenly everyone wants to join!

auditioning zoe and myself as lead singer (zoe will probably win hahaha)

i am up to 3 chords now! D A and E!! I'm feeling pretty awesome! My fingers are getting tougher. Soon I will be LORD OF THE AX!!

I'm just psyched that this is really happening. it gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. and to not smoke so much when i get home.

i am so jazzed.

:: 2014 20 November :: 5.29am

Does it make you nervous
When you hear my bones
Animate my body
Without my soul?

I swear every time I listen to silversun pick ups I fall even more in love with them.

:: 2014 19 November :: 5.01pm

I bet I could teach jackie chan a thing or two.....

:: 2014 18 November :: 10.57pm

Cause life is just a slew of throwback Thursdays and flashback Fridays.

:: 2014 18 November :: 9.12pm

today has been quite a roller coaster

:: 2014 16 November :: 10.57am

GWAR has been hands down my favorite concert I've ever been to.

and now the fire in me to start a band has grown to a raging inferno.

TOTAL DOMINATION

:: 2014 14 November :: 10.22pm

Well the jerk store called - they're running out of you.