I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2020 8 December :: 2.05pm

on a more positive note I made home made gnocchi with leftover KFC potatoes and they turned out really tasty!

:: 2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)

maybe it's time for a real update...

4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.

but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...

it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.

but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.

I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.

I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.

I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.

the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

:: 2020 7 December :: 6.40pm

I know I say this a lot.

but fuck do I hate being alive.

:: 2020 26 November :: 6.45pm

I hate every single second I'm alive

:: 2020 26 November :: 12.44pm

these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone

except me because I deserve to feel this way

:: 2020 17 November :: 9.16pm

remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.

I miss those days.

:: 2020 17 November :: 10.22am

holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.

been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.

I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.

:: 2020 19 October :: 10.00am

my life is a shitty mess

but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess

:(

:: 2020 9 October :: 10.34am

that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.

this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.

:: 2020 4 October :: 8.18am

i need you like water in my lungs

:: 2020 15 September :: 12.59pm

I hurt myself today

:: 2020 14 September :: 10.06am

that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.

:: 2020 29 August :: 10.21pm

someone actually paid me back today what the fuck

this is a strange feeling

goodbye

:: 2020 28 August :: 8.17pm

:: 2020 21 August :: 7.59am

I very literally hate every day.

I hate my life.

I hate my choices in life.

I hate the future.

I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.

it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.

I'm so lonely.

:: 2020 11 August :: 5.54pm

quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.

I feel so isolated and lonely.

I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.

time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.

:: 2020 30 July :: 9.38am

who have I become?

I don't even recognize myself anymore

there's a stranger under my skin

:: 2020 25 July :: 12.38pm

trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point

I need a vacation

:: 2020 15 July :: 8.35am

I am really depressed, but a secret depressed that is hiding under a somewhat composed exterior.

I don't know the words to say, or not to say. I know massages and hugs are always comforting. but feeling this God damn helpless to bright his future horizon.

imagine your father dies. imagine he does because some asshole didn't think it was important to wear a mask in public because it's stepping on their "liberties". now imagine the last conversation with your dad was not a positive one, and there is literally no chance now for you to make things right.

now imagine this is the 3rd time it's happened since September.

what the fuck does your best friend/lover/fiance do to help? saying "it'll be okay" feels so cheap and hollow in this situation. "think of the good things" when they are being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by chains of guilt seems an impossible taste, as the darkness of the deep swallows slowly the sun light.

and I never got to give him a grandchild he'll see. I never really got to know him. and now that's a part of my life i have to miss. and our possible child will miss too.

my mind turns to my folks. what if they catch it? will I only have 5 days and no ability to see them or talk to them? will I have to make a life support decision?

my mom lost both her parents by my age. I literally can't even imagine how I would survive that. and now it's a reality for so many millennials. and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's lost family or friends to this stupid fucking virus, and these stupid fucking rude americans who all just live in their own hellish little bubble of self pity self loathing and inability to take responsibility for anything.

I can't help but agree with him though, like... in the face of all of this... what's the point? what is the fucking point of this absurd existence on an insignificant dot in the middle of no where in the vast infinity of the universe?

the only meaning life has, is the meaning you give it.

:: 2020 11 July :: 9.44am

and just like that he's gone.

3rd in 12 months. life is really fucking unfair.

:: 2020 7 July :: 10.30am

trying to remain calm
trying to have positive thoughts
but what if he dies?

:: 2020 4 July :: 8.25am

I keep wondering what's the point of moving forward.

I'm a miserable person doomed to feel this way for the rest of life.

I won't make a good mother, I'll teach my child how to be spineless, how to be a doormat, how to pathetically let people walk all over them.

I can't even carry a conversation. I can't make friends. I'm just boring, fat and hideous.

I don't want to buy a house anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to take care of anyone but myself. I just want to be alone and hide in my little hole.

I just want to be let go, so I can start my homesick fade to white.

:: 2020 27 June :: 11.01am

I'm not a rock

I'm crumbling sand stone

just garbage in the wind lacerating your lungs

shredding your heart

completely worthless

:: 2020 11 June :: 2.31pm

everybody's changing

and I don't feel right

:: 2020 10 June :: 7.45am
:: Mood: crushed

I'm a sad lonely girl

living in a cruel sick world

:: 2020 9 June :: 2.48pm

I am so fucking sick of people being assholes.

grow the fuck up.

:: 2020 31 May :: 9.44pm

I'm tired of everyone dying, why is life so sad?

drug addiction just decimated another bright young man.

just so some cartel can have another swimming pool or whatever else.

and now there's another hole in his heart and I hate that I can't fix it.

rip Ashton. you will be dearly missed, I know.

:: 2020 18 May :: 10.28am

can I just die now? thx

:: 2020 15 May :: 9.16am
:: Music: ember city by mastodon

I'm really missing you today corry. to think last year this time last year I was taking you to the hospital and you were in there so long... and I never visited you.

you must have felt so scared and alone. that probably pushed you away the most. like I only half cared about you.

I just miss you. why did you have to go. why aren't you here?