Another day

A wise man once said…

Women are complicated. Sandwiches aren’t.

I’ve decided that I really don’t care what certain people think of me.

I don’t care about Cassie Bradley, Colleen Callen, Heather Couch, Stacey Marker, Melissa Barrus, and especially not those two bitches at work. If I constantly rely on others to build on my self worth I wont get anywhere. I’ve got two much going on right now to bother with them.

I’ve got work, and I’ll start to keep away from the bitches.

I’m going to see the Matrix 2 tomorrow.

I’ve got all my life to live.

The downward spiral

I fell the need to summarize my entire existence. So bear with me, or just skip it.

I’ve always been insecure. I’ve always had to go the extra mile to get friends. I was the really annoying kid who always tried to get people to like him. I would especially do stupid things in order for people to like me. I ate bugs, I would ask people to inflict pain on me, and just so people would like me. I had no self-confidence.

Flash to the 8th grade. Every one else had a girlfriend. I didn’t. I dated a bit. Mostly people who I get made fun of for dating, today.

Then in high school, I was hitting on a girl in Math class, completely for fun, she didn’t like me, and I didn’t have a chance with her. I was doing it so my best friend, who sat beside me (Dan), could get some chuckles at my expense. My friend made fun of me, and the teacher stood up for me.

“He only has to get the girl once.”

From that point on I hit on girls a lot. Not necessarily girls I like, just random girls. Girls I liked I was scared to talk to. The girls I liked made dates with me, and broke them the night before. I hated the girls I liked so much.

Back to subject, I hit on girls I didn’t really like all that much. One of those girls I didn’t like was Stacey. I got caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and ended up dating her. It was during this time that I got a little less insecure about myself. Girls started to actually like me. I wasn’t ever secure enough to dump Stacey, or even to force a break up at the time we decided we would (when she went to College).

Cut to a year ago. Still with Stacey. Still insecure. Then, Stacey dumps me. (I wish it went that easy) My confidence drops out from under me. I go into a deep depression, with terrible nightmares (I didn’t sleep good for a month). I went to the Honors Dance, and was reminded that there were other fish in the sea. I start fishing and get depressed with my luck. I hit rock bottom. I questioned my self worth, God, everything.

Melissa helped me out. I started to like her a lot. (I liked her a long time. I’m not sure if I liked her because I had to constantly defend her from Stacey’s forked tongue, or visa versa.) Anyway, she didn’t like me in return, at least not as much as I liked her. I can’t blame her. I was, and am completely insane. Her first impression of me was I was annoying, and I’m sure I just got worse over time. I could deal with that. I’ve liked girls who didn’t like me in return my whole life. No biggy.

But when she complains to me, about the guy she likes being an ass. I could not help but feel like saying “there are other options”. I repressed these feelings, and after a while I was a wreck from doing it. I was insecure before, but internally rationalizing that he (when he was an ass) was a better person than me pushed me over the edge. I was one huge ball of insecurity. I tried to gain security back, but everything I did pushed everyone away. I tried to get people to like me. I tried to hard. I pushed everyone away.

I’m still here. Still insecure, although a lot better. I’m still a ball of emotion. The only way I can get back to normal is to date again, but who would want to date someone like me?

The downward spiral continues.

*sigh

I’m an ass. I can’t control my emotions. Don’t talk to me or I’ll screw you over.

My life seems so weird right now. It’s like everything is out of reach. I’ll never get the happiness that I want so badly. I don’t deserve it anyway. I’m an ass.

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

Take the test, by Emily.

Things swiftly come and go, I'm dreaming of her...

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I have been working my butt off at... work...

I got enough hours to qualify for overtime in a week I was never really "Scheduled" to work. And Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

I'm so dead right now. I don't know what I feel, or even if there is enough of me left to feel anything at all. I can't wait until i can slack off again. Summers almost over right?

Oh, It looks like I still have it in case you think I lost it.


Your the thong. Your the spunky one out of all friends.
You keep having fun till it kills you. You always except a challenge and
never back down. You love taking risks and you hold nothing back.

Which underwear are you?

Oh yeah baby...

I'm a Lumberjack, and I'm OK
Woohu wasn’t working for me last night.

The job I have now isn’t the same as the job I had last week. The pay is worse, but no toilets. My job now is Prep-er, which means I do remedial tasks that the cooks don’t have time to do, like peel potatoes. The five hours I worked went by fast, especially when you consider that in the beginning of it I took a chunk out of my thumbnail, and cut into the knuckle on my middle finger.

Oh boy, only another hour until I get to go back…

The Wonderful World of MIKE!
Hey Hey Hey…

I’ve got to work tomorrow!

Everything is so unbelievably great right now!

I better go to bed before I ruin this perfect day.

Another tuesday passes
Well, last night Joe couldn’t get a hold of anyone, so he ended up crashing at my place. It took me way back to the old days of like 2 weeks ago.

I helped him move in this morning. His house is sweet! I am so gonna live in a place like that next year. Let me know if you wanna be my roommate…

Sorry this entry is short, I’m playing the lets have all “comment” strings end with PolishPimping game, and I’m kinda typed out.

I start work tomorrow. Yeah…

Things are always looking up
I've noticed a lot more positive reinforcement coming from the females of the species too. The only problem is that I don’t go out very often anymore. I had a startling amount of ego stroking when I went garage sale jumping with my mother. Sure 75 % of the women in question were above the age of thirty, but the other five girls that were my age, seemed to dig me pretty good. I plan on adding definition during the summer, but that’s not that important to me in the long run. I think a bigger problem of mine would be that my insecurities would cause me to act in a manner, which could be seen as abrasive, emotional, or even “annoying as hell”. My self-esteem has been a lot better since school ended, and I expect it to grow a lot once I have started my gainful employment. Now if only I had an excuse to surround myself with people my age, so I can make some new friends, and maybe… possible… a date. Nothing serious of course because women would steal my soul. (And if the didn’t try, I would probably give it to them) Oh well I guess I’ll see how this all works out soon enough.

Growth is always good
Whew…

It’s been a long twenty-four hours. I started slipping into past insecurities last night, but I’ve gotten a few things out of my system. And it all started with a very therapeutic dream. And after that I had a nice long chat with God. Things are squared away now.

An answer to the question I asked myself last night…

Nightcrawler… definitely Nightcrawler. He’s Catholic, he’s not affiliated with a woman other than the fact he hits on one a lot. He never acts out of anger, but is still a complete bad ass. On the minus side, he’s insecure, and easily manipulated.

He also gets ignored a lot, which doesn’t fit. I guess he fits Andy a bit better. (chuckle)

I’ll stick with Colossus. The movie left enough about him in the dark so that I can fill that roll. I’m big. That’s my only qualification. But oh well.

Abs of Steel Baby…
Oh yeah!

Just the Facts Mam...
Ok it’s update time…

I have a job. The same job I had before I start on Wednesday.

My friends from high school HAVE changed.

-Aaron has changed the least. He’s still with his girlfriend, who by the way is named Lauren. She graduating this year, and after that, they are going there separate ways. He’s going to join the Air Force.

-Derek has changed a lot. He’s lost like a hundred pounds, gained some dedication, and is joining the National Guard.

-David, david, david. Well after dropping out of school, he hasn’t done much. He was an assistant wrestling coach. I don’t hang out with him anymore, not for lack of trying on my part. He doesn’t return my calls. Perhaps he’s just spending a lot of time with his 15-year-old fiancée.

I met a girl today, but she spent most of her time hitting on Aaron. Anyway, her, Aaron, me, and Derek, went to see X-2 again. Oh well.

I really should go to bed before I say something I regret.

i don't want this
remember that
i'll never forget where you're at
don't let the days go by
glycerine
i'm never alone
i'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields
if i treated you bad
you bruise my face

My dream last night didn't make much sense.

I drempt I went in to visit my Jounior English Teacher. it turns out I failed my final. I had to do extra credit. But it had to do with Mecades Benz auto parts, so I went to go see joe, but I had to Skateboard there, and there were dirt roads and ramps, and pretty ladies...

I don't remember much else