under the pale moon...
wow... funniest night.... well yesterday we were all supposed to go to rapids but sam wasnt allowed to go, then christine couldnt cause there wasnt enuff ppl.. so w/e... maybe next week. then me n jess were gonna go to the beach but those plans fell through when it started raining. so she came over at 3ish and we attempted to play my guitar... and we learned a portion of a song.. im talking like 2 notes.. plus a lil twang.. lmao. its harder than it looks! sheesh.. then we played some pictionary... ARROWHEAD!! lmao... then 20 minutes, and a lot of outfits later, i finally got this girl to say that she wanted to go to the show.... u need to learn to decide for yourself! gash! lol.. so anywho we ended up gong to the show... atl is a great band... nice bassist! lol that was so great how they did ace of base! it brought back memories of the station wagon days.. lol mochachaitis.. but the band before them... i swear it was the funniest thing. the drummer looked like he was having seizures... and the guitarist was all like humping the floor... lmao. then we hung out by the pool table and zac (sackary) whipped out a female cndom and put it on his hand.. and whenever ppl walked by hed be like good show and theyd hit his hand then get all freaked out.. lmao. and the vanilla lube wars!!! lmao that charles kid was funny... he was all thugged out.. but cool kid. hmm then we had a powow on the floor and talked about random things... then we met 2 of the guys from assembly required.. they were really cool... we kept them there for so long tho! lol... and jess i swear im gonna get those "Hi! My name is _____." labels and stick it on my shirt at that show. then when they finally left we sat on the couch for some rugrats.. all grown up.. i was like ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!! lol.. then we briefly went in to see the last band.. a bunch of old guys... but we had to go cause her mommy had gotten there.. and i came home and went to sleep. i gots ta go to church today... *sigh* im oh so enthused. okies well adios... happy easter!

I put on my daily façade...
hmm.. lots going on. the whole chris/bus ppl situation... let me just say that while i am not taking sides (as ususal... i like to be fair) name calling is never appropriate. and some of the things that have been said are very childish... i just feel that the whole situation is blown out of proportion.. okay enough on that.

next matter... jessie im in one of your modes. lol.. i feel like i am really misunderstood. today rich said that "rachel, by definition, is sad" um... no. lately i have had some issues that didnt make me feel too great, but i am not a sad person. i got kinda pissed at him.. cause there's more to me than this girl whos always crying over nothing. i tend to keep my feelings inside.. because i basically dont want to be sad all the time and think about stuff... and what can i say... i just dont feel like opening up. so then every little emotion... every feeling.. every little thing that people say to or about me.. gets tucked away inside me and they eventually build up... and i have to let them out. which would explain me crying when theres no apparent reason. i cant help it.. it all overwhelms me. everyone always asking me if im okay really doesnt help either. yeah.. haha funny i have pouty lips. yes that does make me look sad.. but being CONSTANTLY asked whats wrong just reminds me that im not okay... and it just makes things worse. im gonna start trying to write stuff down in my journal (written one) cause until i feel that i can open up to people.. i need a way to let my feelings out. and guys... this is nothing against you. you're all the best.. so dont feel bad because i dont open up to you. i just need to deal with this stuff on my own.. i've got a lot of growing to do. i WILL be okay... i want to be better... its just gonna take some time.

next... we gotta get together this weekend and
1.) Film "The Spring"
2.) Have a water war in the woods
3.) Go Beaching
4.) Possibly go to Rapids (?)
5.) Try to scare Natalia yet again
sounds like fun! lol if anything ill be happy just going to the beach a couple of times and renewing my ever-fading tan. okie dokie.. i shall leave now.. toodles.

if you're looking for me ill be at the show... i could never find a better place to go
until the day i die i promise i wont change
so u better give up
I don't wanna be told to grow up
and i don't wanna change
i just wanna have fun

^^ anthem of this weekend! lol this is exactly what i needed. well on friday.. we just all decided on the bus that we wanna go tologgers... on the way there i had to change into soffees, so i do so behind a tree.. fun fun... lol then we got there and i drank some expired orange juice and started tearing it was so bad.. then we were on the way to liz's house when we decided to follow daniel home and the original plan was to do the ding dong ditch thing.. but then who comes along but chris... almost fell off his bike when he saw us.. and he snuck us into the playroom through the bacvkyard. then once he discovered us, we left as soon as his dad pulled in to the driveway... very fun. then we went to lizzie's and dressed up as weirdos and went and scared natalia and her family. fun fun fun day
okay yesterday.... wow. BEST day ever!!! i thought it would be just a sit at home n do nothing day but then christini n i just decided to go to wing ding.. where simple plan was to perform. we saw miss cleo, and a really tall guy whom we wanted to kick, and at subway we found the chachi, erin, logan, and geori.. and we waited w/ them till simple plan came on (around 8ish)... we hung out by the bellybutton tree.. got chocolate covered bananas, ran away from the scary portapotties, got filmed by this coast guard guy for the people over yander.. saw this lil 10 yr old w/ an attitude.. i swear this girl was... well she had a ballon that said "avril rox.. fuck all you haters" we were like .... okay.. lol then eventually 7:00 rolled around... at which time we decided we would start getting through the crowd. by the time simple plan got on i only had one girl in front of me. it was funny cause there was a girl band on before and we all look to the right and who would be there... but pierre... so we were all like ahh! pierre! lol then he put his finger to his lips hes like "shh!!" and he pointed to the girls playing lol. then finally theyt came on. best time of my life. its weird how once they start playing, you can forget all the stupid bitches who pushed you, the people stepping on yo, how cramped and crushed you are... the fact that you could pass out at any minute...and just have a good time. i must have got my foot stepped on 50 times... but it was all good... just jumping n having fun. i got so wet... no you perv.. not like that. pierre threw his water at us n i got soaked. lol.. but anywho... best best best night of my life. theyre awesome in concert. when it was done.. me n christini went to get sodas and when we came back they were doing autographs... but those fucking groupies!!!!! i didnt get anything. they would have stayed and signed everyone's shit... but their groupies r like u have to go. so all we got was the drummer's.. and we gave it to sam. hopefully we can get some at warped tour. im so sore today from jumping! lol. im feeling so much happier! next wek is only 3 days! not makin any plans.. im just gonna make sure im free cause its funner to be spontaneous.. something ive learned this weekend. thanks alot guys.. youre all the best!

Well have you ever been down? I can't change, I can't change...
these pretzels are yummy. lets see... today was pretty ok.. i was in lotsa pain... but besides that kinda funny. in 2nd hour mieczinsky cracked on ashley... very funny. then 4th hour was amusing as usual. p.e. sucked at first cause we went outside... and then i felt smart all of a sudden.. and i read act 5 of macbeth... actually understanding what went on. lol.. got home.. slept until 7... ate dinner... went to kickboxing (which made me feel physically better actually) during the 2nd half, we had to kick those square thingies and i kept kicking cesany's wrist/arm lol. then we had to do the thing where he holds 2 and u dont kno which one youre gonna have to kick.. it was so confusing. lol. interesting though. then i came home and sat around. i really want my eyebrow or nose pierced but my parents are gay so they'll never let me do it. ill have to wait till im 18. i figured out why theyre called "navel oranges" cause they look like they got a bellybutton! lol at first i looked at it and thought it was diseased or something.. then i read the sticker i was like, oh. lol just my small moment of discovery that i wanted to share. tomorrow's friday right? hmm i dunno if im gonna go out or anything... i will most likely be tired and just go to sleep.. i swear i take a nap like every day now and im still dead tired. weirdness. then when i take the nyquil to help me sleep at night i cant get up in the morning. okay im babbling. jessie went to bama today to look at houses.. *sigh* and though it was not as bad today.. me depression continues on. it sucks... nothing i can really do about it though.

grr
my dad is such an asshole.. i get yelled at for no fucking reason then when i try to defend myself or say one thing within 2 minutes of the time hes done yelling, he says that im "interrupting" him and i have no respect. that i "probly dont treat my friends like that" okay first of all... no. treat them like what? i didnt do shit. second.... they dont fucking yell at me for no apparent reason. i swear.. when hes in a bad mood he gets really mean. then in like 2 minutes hell be all like "sorry for yelling at you" uhm.. no. i dont think so. i dont forgive and forget that easily.... and he wonders why the fuck i dont respect him.... this is exactly the opposite of what i need in my life right now.

lala.. its been a while. not much has happened really... i went to the beach yesterday w/ christini... i got a tan and sea lice... but mines not that bad. dunno bout her tho... ive concluded that i hate staying home on weekends. umm.. poor daniellimocha (new name) got sick :( hope u feel better! her journal pretty much summed up my thoughts as of now... "only you can make the decision of how u want to live your life. If you want to be happy you have to put youself in the right state of mind...or its not gonna work." amen. well im gonna go and try to go running. if nothig else at least i'll get out of the house byebyes

i heard you're doing okay..
err... bad week. well first of all the reality set in that i only have 2 months left until jessie leaves.. which really sucks. then ive been depressed cause im lonley...and it sucks liking someone you cant have... yet confused because im not exactly sure how much i like them.... damn bus people make me analyze things like why i like people.. (luv u guys tho) cause it isnt enuff that i like em.. i have to have reasons for ya.. lol... and im just not exactly sure what i want. well.. yes i am. in a way.. gah! and this is something i really just dont feel like talking about because it seems like i always share my problems with the world (the bus) and this is one that they cant really solve for me cause i seriously dont think any of them know exactly how i feel.. so yea. i guess im gonna have to deal with this one on my own.

how long will i be waiting
until the end of time
i dont know why im still waiting
i cant make you *mine*

:(

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real..
*sigh* weird day. it was pretty okay i guess but I've been really depressed lately.. I'm lonely. My friends have been supportive so thanks. But it's just really really hard liking someone you know you could never get... it's depressing. That's why I want someone for me but they dont seem to exist! lol.. people tell me I just hve to wait but I've been waiting for 14 years already man.. lol w/e.. I dunno I go through stages where I'm happy then the next day I'll be all depressed. Im so confused man! it just feels like i'll never find anyone... err whatever

hola.. im making yet another hemp thing.. a twistie necklace... i should sell these thinsg... lol. well i wanted to go to the show at pis tonite but we didnt get a ride home.. so nope. my brother just left... he only has one month of school left! no fair! well i found out recently that jess is probably moving agen... so i'm gonna start putting together her going away present.. no im not gonna say what it is cause she reads this so... nice try! lol but im sure she'll like what i have in mind.. actually im bored so ill go work on it now.. adios

It's been a while since I've written in here.. just don't have the time I guess. Or I'm too lazy. The latter seems more likely...
Let's see... spring break... well sunday we attempted to go to the beach but as soon as we got there it started to rain s we huddled under this lil pavilion thingy while my dad came back to pick us up lol. So then Celine and I went to Sam's house and slept over. We went swimming, played her drums, made pancakes.. lol.
Then I left the next day and went to kickboxing all by myself... and I was the only non-karate person there, so for the second half I did grabs/take downs w/ mike :) lol.
Then Tuesday I went running in the morning and it was weird because I was just thinking gee, I could use my self defense stuff if anyone tried to take me... then I feel someone tap on my shoulder... I jumped like 10 feet!!!!!! It was Rich.. him n Celine were at the park and they saw me holy crap tho.. that was scary.. lol. Then later on, I went to Boomers w/ Jackie for ten buck tuesday.... it was an interesting day. We waited for like a half an hour to play this game cause these people in front of us beat the game... then decided to start over again. lol. That's the thing about ten buck tuesday... it's a good idea and everything.. but you spend more time waiting to play the games then u do actually playing them. so yea... we got like 1200 more tickets tho.. i think we're up to over 3000? something like that. Oh yea, we've established that there's some sort of DDR underground cult or something.. where people just play it all day long. That's the only possible way these ppl can get this good! lol
Wednesday.. was my lazy day. I just sat around and didnothing the whole day. When my mom got home we went out and I FINALLY got myself that black wife beater! lol. Then I went to kickboxing.. fun fun.
Yesterday we went to the beach.. ('we' being me, jessie, emi, and alex) well we got lost on the way to alex's.. and at emi's they thought it was Dill Shaw. lolol so anywho the beach was fun.. we attempted to tan, went in the freezing cold water, emi got her cheap towel.. lol.. we saw a few really hot surfers.. lol.. then we saw danielle n geori so e moved our stuff over w/ them and we attempted to body surf. well. it was fun and all. but. at one point, I was doing it and the wave took me pretty far... and I ran right into someone... but like I KILLED my finger. completely. I know it's at least sprained.. dunno if its broken.. but that night at kickboxing the joint turned purple/black. yea.. painful. so now its in this splint thing... it better damn well work! lol so anyways.. emi and I turned "red as a lobster" jessie was just her tan self (damn you! lol) and alex was "white ad bread" lmfao!!!!!!!! lolololol wow that was so funny. poor kid. but at least he can move his damn finger! lol. but see my burn is the kind that goes away in a couple of days and turns into a tan.. besides my shoulders... I am pretty dark! (for me, anyways.) so Saturday jessie and I (dunno who else) wanna go back to the beach to try (key word) to surf. I hope my finger is better by then! this sucks.. oh well.. today I plan on doing HW/finding a damn song for drama. lol. perhaps a show tonite... we'll see.

gahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
today wes semi-okay... the assigned seats kinda sucked.. but my school day was alrite for a monday..... kickboxing however.... SUCKED!!! dude... not only was i completely lazy and out of it, but when we did those stomach thingies i think i pulled a muscle (if thats possible) cause afterwards when we were kicking the bags at one point i was doing a side kick or whatnot... and holy shit.... pain! u know how sometimes u wake up and your calf muscle is in a ball, totally cramped? yes well my ENTIRE stomach did that.. it cramped... and it hurt. and yea.... the eyes were teary lol. and i hope people dont think i didnt it for attention cause it seriously hurt... alot. and also me n jessie weren't really getting along today.. i gave back the necklace! i dunno things just didnt click. *sigh* i need my grape juice! lol