upchuck
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2005 9 March :: 12.12am
:: Mood: whimsical
:: Music: Counting Crows
The subject has yet to escape, but persists in evading me
If there is anything to say, I should say it now.
Yes, she did leave him. Thank God, truly for that one. I spent all day Sunday thanking people for whatever small role that they played in her ending her realtionship with him. It became about safety. I also thought it was encouraging that she came up with her plan of action far before she read what I had to say.
So I spent all night last night at her dad's house with her. I got there to pick her up for dinner at 6. We stayed at the resturaunt until 8:30. Just talking and having a good time. There was one point where she fell over by me and I put my arm around her, for like just a second (man, I'm starting to sound likr Crystal). Then we went back to her dad's house and we talked some more and then she got online and was talking to her sister and Christine when we had our real conversation. I told her how I felt. That I wanted to make sure that her feelings for me weren't just because I looked much better than her recent past. That I wanted to take things slow, just hang out and have fun, and stop being so serious. And then I asked her how she felt; that was the hardest part of the whole night. It was the time that I had the most doubt. She didn't say anything. Nothing at all. She couldn't vocalize, or wouldn't vocalize what she was feeling. And I felt that old frustration setting in. But then it was weird, because I didn't want to put too much pressure on her, but at the same time, I feel like I can't go back to her if she can't open up to me. And we hugged. A long, firm embrace, that seemed to say everyhting she was feeling without her actually saying it.
So we went into the living room, at this point it was like 1:30am. I was about ready to go home, but I sat down on the couch while she went to the bathroom and I fell asleep. I knew I was done. I also knew in my head that that can be interpreted as being romantic. To tell the truth, I've left that place way too many times, being thrown out into the harsh realities of life, and wanting to cry. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think. I simply wanted to be again. I wanted to be right now, not the past, nor the future, jsut right now. And we held hands, and did the things we used to do. And she curled up next to me, with her head on my belly and she fell asleep. But I wasn't sure how to feel. This girl, that I care about, but has hurt me so deeply, is inviting me back into her life. And there she was, perfectly beautiful to me again, perfectly lovely, there for me, a God given angel to bring a light to my life (okay, I'm being slightly melo-dramatic here, but bear with me). And I re-realized that I loved her, and that she loved me. For one time that was enough, because the thin line we now tread, just as the title of my journal says, is thin, and soon all could be good, or all could be lost.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 4 March :: 7.34am
If anyone has any information on who was setting off bombs in front of my apartment the night before last, I would appreciate if you'd let me know.
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upchuck
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2005 3 March :: 4.13pm
Okay. So before you all think I'm a raging lunatic. I'm not a communist. Hell, I'm not even a liberal. It's just an expression of frustration. There are so many questions and so few answers. So many people, but the same approach. It's just frustrating. Academics (the people) are very good at pointing out the problems, but are poorly equipped to come up with the answers. We need answers, not problems. We need to figure out where we are going and go there, not wait around. Life is too short to put up with this shit.
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upchuck
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2005 3 March :: 3.59pm
So I should really be upset, but I'm not. I just don't know how to deal with the whole situation. It's not a good one for her, but I can't get involved because of our past. I get the feeling that she wants me too, but I can't. She hinted at the possibility that we may have a future potential, and I kind of shy away from that. She hurt me, bad. I just don't think I can put myself through that again. But I need to help her. What ever shall I do?
On the other hand, I had a real interesting conversation with a girl in my politics class. Silda is Albanian and awesome. She just so completely socially liberal that it's not even funny. We stood in class and talked about how people can't think for themselves right in front of the two dumbest women (yes, women; there the soccer mom type's who I constantly made fun of in my Michigan History class) in the class. We were having a discussion about Rousseau's view of pre-historic man and the woman couldn't get it through her head. She kept talking about how bad it must have been to have to eat raw meat. Whoopi!!! Raw meat. Big friggin' deal. Get over it. Anyway, I digress. So we spent like an hour talking about social issues. And all the questions and the knowledge that we will never had, and where we are going in life (not we as in her and I, but our generation). I told Kim last night that I have absolutely no faith in our generation. I look around and I see so much laziness and filth. She brought up the '60's and how no one thought that their generation would do anything either. And to that I responded that at least there were doing what they were doing for a reason. Free love is a very attractive message. It is also a motivation that our generation sorely lacks. We don't smoke because of an innate sense that it will bring deeper meaning. Everything we do is so selfish and corporate driven. Ask a goth why they wear black. Can they give you a good reason? Can they justify themselves other than they feel like misfits in a society that recognizes and rewards strange behavior? Can they justify their clothes as more than things that are being mass marketed to youth by large corporations? Do you really think that corporations that sell these fashions want kids to become accepted into society? No, hell no. they want them to continue to be misfits, so they will buy more of their products. Yes, it all sounds like a conspiracy. But we have to wake up and see what is going on. We have realize that the social injustice in this country is so huge. When a city like Detroit is made up of 98% African Americans while the suburbs are 97% caucasian, we have a problem. It's defacto segregation. Where is the cry of justice? Where are the cries of outrage? Silenced, because it's too uncomfortable to think about.
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crazygirl
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2005 3 March :: 1.00pm
4 days
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munkysaurus
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2005 3 March :: 2.42am
Yama's, Llamas, could somebody oil the macaroni gears in my noodle?...
Holy Fuck, Mr. J! Is that you. You decomposed, digitally bearded, open shirt bastard.
Let me pull the thumb out my ass and tell you a taley waley.
It's starts on...whoa, somewhere in July. C'est possible?
click, pop, rewind.
I'd just broken up with Jess, and gotten thrown on my ass. Fucking great. >>Restart<< Now I'm living in Cedar. Things are fucked up as always. Always will be. A bunch of big fucking delusional circles. Nothing ever good. Right? Got another job at the same franchise. Different owner, different policy, different people. I'd forgotten what it's like to live in a majorly white community. Pssh. j/k.
Eh, let's see. I was a wreck. I had these big purple circles around my eyes. It was terrible.
Fast forward>>Ms. K.
A few days after being thrown out. I had the reassuring visitation of an old friend and spark. And though we only spent, like, a day together. I thought things were going quite well. But, difficulties will be difficulties and I'm an asshole.
Thus, not only was I in shitty shape. The 'ol stars orbited my head. Because I'm an asshole.
Fast forward>>
I was thrown out by mom. It was all about stupid shit. Really fucked me up again. Blah. blah. Spent the night on US 131. A rest stop between the rockford and cedar exits. I stayed up the whole night writing stories and shit. It sucked.
Fast forward>>
Nothing much happens. I spend about three hundred dollars a month replacing parts on my Oldsmobile P.O.S.. It's kinda funny. Old people have left, new people have come. Ms. K's seeing Mr. R. I don't know how to feel about that. Everyone's so mixed about my collection of friends. Scenario time...not today. Heh.
Fast forward>>
Ms. M, Ms. C, and Ms.T, and all been very patient with my ass. Thank ya' ma' bitches! I'm the "dude". And I've been skimping out on my "dude" duties. Which is sad, because these are the people that someday, and even right now, I'll be jealous of. Sigh.
Twenty years...still no GED. Just an explicit case of madness. It's quite splendid. mwah ha ha ha!
Any who, Mr. J. The night is old, the day is gone, pull those covers over your silicon body, and don't forget to wear underpants. Yak!,
Dustin
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upchuck
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2005 25 February :: 8.46pm
I guess no one really will take my mindless banter about Hunter S Thompson seriously. Oh well. It's strange, it was my first experience to the alternate. My first exposure to thought. And it was him. It was my peers who educated me, but it was him. I was straight laced, and still am. But reading his work doesn't make you feel bad to be straight laced. The people he mocks, even though it could be you, are straight laced, but not. His eccentrism is so out there. And if you don't understand, you need to read. Get out of your shell and read his stuff. He may be the greatest American writer of the latter half of the 20th Century. He may have captured what it was all about, and what it all became.
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Upchuck
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2005 21 February :: 9.11am
After seeing it last night I couldn't believe it. He was a great writer and a great man. This is the best article I have found so far. If you get a chance, read some of his works. They are everything that the article says they are, but they contain so much truth too.
Hunter S. Thompson kills himself
By Robert Lusetich in Los Angeles
February 22, 2005
HUNTER S. Thompson, an iconic contrarian who gave birth to an entertaining, anarchic form of journalism he called gonzo, committed suicide yesterday at his compound outside the exclusive ski resort of Aspen, Colorado.
Like one of his great literary heroes, Ernest Hemingway, Thompson, who had a lifelong fascination with guns, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, according to police. He was discovered by his son Juan in the kitchen just before 6pm.
A self-styled eccentric and maverick, Thompson favoured Ray Ban aviator sunglasses, a cigarette holder and a cowboy hat that gave him the appearance of a modern-day confederate general.
Advertisement:
Aged either 65 or 67, he was an American original: a drug-hazed, counter-culture Ishmael who wrote passionately about what he saw as the demise of modern US society.
"For the whole point on this picaresque is that the American-style rogue-hero must not merely tease or insult the Silent Majority, but abuse it, outrage it, twist it, hurt it, smash it," he once wrote.
Born in Kentucky to alcoholic parents, Thompson toiled as a mainstream journalist before stumbling across the genre he called gonzo while covering the Kentucky Derby horse race for a sports magazine.
"I'd blown my mind, couldn't work," he told Playboy. "So finally I just started jerking pages out of my notebook and numbering them and sending them to the printer. I was sure it was the last article I was ever going to do for anybody."
Instead, it made him famous, leading to seminal works such as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which began as a 300-word magazine piece about a race in Las Vegas and turned into a best-selling account of a drug-induced road trip to the gambling capital. Published in 1972, it was made into a movie in 1998, starring Johnny Depp.
Not everyone was enamoured with Thompson's style of mythologising, essentially, himself.
Critic Joseph Nocera, in 1981's How Hunter Thompson Killed New Journalism wrote: "But more than anyone else, Hunter Thompson has damaged and discredited New Journalism's promise. Instead of being exhilarated by his freedom, he was corrupted by it. Instead of using it in the search for truth, he used it for trivial self-promotion."
Thompson himself was once asked what made a gonzo journalist. He replied: "The true gonzo reporter needs the talent of a master journalist, the eye of an artist/photographer and the heavy balls of an actor."
Thompson wrote almost a dozen books, including Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72, The Great Shark Hunt, Generation of Swine and Songs for the Doomed, and scores of newspaper and magazine articles. Thompson - on whom Gary Trudeau based his character Uncle Duke in the comic strip Doonesbury - particularly enjoyed writing about politics and sports, and intertwined the familiar themes of violence, sex and drugs.
He could be quite liberal with the truth, as his friend John Burton once noted.
"Lying was the thing he did best," Burton said, "He did it with total cool and confidence." Thompson defended his controversial approach by saying that fiction "is based on reality unless you're a fairytale artist".
"You have to get your knowledge of life from somewhere. You have to know the material you're writing about before you alter it," he said.
His groundbreaking coverage of the 1972 presidential election race between Richard Nixon - who Thompson loathed - and George McGovern was once recalled by a Democrat campaign aide as being the "least accurate yet most truthful" account of that campaign.
Nixon, who Thompson had called a "walking embarrassment to the human race", once said Thompson represented "that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character".
It was an insult Thompson would wear as a badge of honour.
The stories about him are almost as legendary as the ones he wrote.
Perhaps one of the most amusing centred on his coverage of the "Rumble in the Jungle", the 1974 heavyweight fight between Mohammad Ali and George Foreman in Zaire.
Days before the fight, Thompson was last seen asking a bell boy at his hotel whether he could lead him to a cannibal tribe.
Thompson, who took to attaching leeches to his head because the blood sucking gave him a "real buzz", did not see the fight but was instead found floating in the hotel pool, face down, afterwards.
When he was fished out, he looked up and asked, "Who won?"
He may have lost some of his relevance in later years, but he continued to insert himself into the national conversation.
He was said regularly to fax advice to Democrats seeking office, and was distraught when Bill Clinton announced he had not inhaled a marijuana cigarette once handed to him.
"It's just a disgrace to an entire generation," he exclaimed.
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infinite
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2005 20 February :: 2.06am
You're all fired from school, and your homework is to drink bleach and die.
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crazygirl
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2005 19 February :: 1.23pm
saw pulse at the science center
drove to knob lick for a picture
slept in a car
climbed the elephant rocks
traveled to the highest point in missouri
ate at a fantastic small town diner
went to a movie set to try to get in as extras
came home
fantastic night.
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jedibumblebee
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2005 18 February :: 7.55pm
omfg.
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crazygirl
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2005 17 February :: 3.34pm
i'm convinced
wondering "what if" is the worst thing there is.
so we bottled and shelved all our regrets.
let them ferment and get back to our senses.
drove it back home.
slept a few days.
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.
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crazygirl
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2005 15 February :: 10.49pm
as young as i was, i felt older back then..
more disciplined..
stronger and certain.
but i was scared to death of eternity.
i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety
and i've lied to myself and said it was for the best.
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upchuck
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2005 15 February :: 10.45am
I can't figure out if this horrible mood I'm in is because she came in with her boyfriend last night, on Valentine's Day of all days, after I told both of them that i had no desire to meet him. Or maybe I'm just hungry.
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Upchuck
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2005 15 February :: 10.41am
There is a massive right wing conspiracy to force everyone to Christianity, prevent all perverse sexual relations (including premarital), kill all homosexuals, and re-establish prohibition. This has all hinged on the fact that George W. Bush has been re-elected Presdient with 51% of the vote. All people in the middle of America are right wing, gun owning nuts who cannot think for themselves and must be degraded at every chance. This is a command for all those who would believe.
OBEY!!
- Howard Dean, DNC Chairman
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