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:: 2004 21 October :: 4.04pm

I dont know about the rest of you, but I get a huge kick outta these.

http://www.justinleague.com/Pages/comics.php?strip_id=53

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upchuck

:: 2004 20 October :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "I Need You"- Jars of Clay

Whatever
This weekend was great. This week has been gong pretty good so far.

Saturday, we both worked and then I came home and slept. Kim came and picked me up and we went over to her firend Christine's house for her b-day party. We followed that up by going bowling. The six of us had a pretty good night. I was the last one to bowl first and I told everyone that I probably wasn't going to be very good, but I got a strike in the first frame. Then in the third game I laid down on the floor and rolled the ball down the alley very slowly before Kim's pins were even out of the way. The machine reset mine and got out of the way just before the ball hit them and I got another strike. It really is absolutely hilarious what entertains me right now. Or rather what I think would be entertaining to you.

I'm in a rambling mood. I took two midterms yesterday so my mind is going faster right now than I can actually write. I wrote, actually hand wrote 8.5 pages yesterday for the two exams combined. I hope I do okay. What am I talking about? Of course I will.

Promise cannot go unfulfilled. I am ready for life. I am ready for whatever is out there. I believe that I am a dynamic individual equipped with the tools to be successful in a dynamic world. But successful at what is the question. I may still go into the ED program, but it doesn't offer much promise.
____________________________________
Sidebar- I think the establishment as education as a profession is the wrong way to go. I think schools should hire actual professionals in the field to teach subjects. This would give the students connections, improve schools, and alliviate the job market.
____________________________________

The route through graduate school does not quite seem to be what I want to do. I don't want to write a disertation. I don't want to jump through hoops for stodgy old people who were made to jump through the same hoops. Academia is not sexy enough for me. I don't know if there is a job out there for me in politics. I think that is where I would like my future to be. Maybe get a position in state government, or in a Reps office. Case work would be like what I most want to do. I'm just not sure what direction my life is going in. Everytime I ask for direction from someone they push me in a certian way that kind of sounds like what I want, but not completely. One day divine inspiriation will come to me and it will all be clear, unfortunately that day will be the day I die.

We talked for quite a bit Sunday night. For the first time I actually felt sorry for what I had done in the past. If you are out there, this is the first time I have ever been sorry for what we had. I may have regreted it and been extremely bitter about it, but I was never sorry. Now I am because I gave away something that was so precious, something that I wish I could give to her. And that is exactly why I don't want it from her, because I don't want to take what could belong to someone else.

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 19 October :: 1.35pm

Following Michelle's example:

BUS 370- Integrated Comm in Business
BUS 375- Business Process Productivity
FIN 320- Business Finance
MGMT 352- Human Resources
SOC 283- Methods of Data Analysis
SOC 422- Adolescent Socialization

It's gonna be a bitch.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2004 11 October :: 1.12pm
:: Music: Alanis Morissette- Eight Easy Steps

how to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you

How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when tought by the best

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a player and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 6 October :: 10.39am
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Talking Heads- And She Was

And she was lying in the grass
And she could hear the highway breathing
And she could see a nearby factory
She's making sure she is not dreaming
See the lights of a neighbor's house
Now she's starting to rise
Take a minute to concentrate
And she opens up her eyes

The world was moving and she was right there with it (and she was)
The world was moving she was floating above it (and she was) and she was

And she was drifting through the backyard
And she was taking off her dress
And she was moving very slowly
Rising up above the earth
Moving into the universe
Drifting this way and that
Not touching ground at all
Up above the yard

She was glad about it... no doubt about it
She isn't sure where she's gone
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what she's done
And she was

And she was looking at herself
And things were looking like a movie
She had a pleasant elevation
She's moving out in all directions

Joining the world of missing persons (and she was)
Missing enough to feel alright (and she was)

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jedibumblebee

:: 2004 5 October :: 4.16pm
:: Mood: confused

It's reassuring to think that the "heart-being-digested-by-one's-own-stomach-acid" feeling seems to be subsiding.

Or at least, it didn't feel as bad the second time today.

I can play that scene on the street like my own movie. And it won't leave me alone.

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upchuck

:: 2004 4 October :: 12.36pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: "Thunderstruck"- AC/DC

Classes Stress and stressors gone
So stress point #1: 3rd shift job- Gone as of last Friday morning.
Stress point #2: Spanish 101- Gone as of this morning. I dropped the class.
Stress points #3,4,5,6,7 ..... 1,000,000,000,000: Do not come close to equalling the stress caused by #1 and #2.

upchuck

:: 2004 28 September :: 10.12am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Sounds: Martin Luther King Jr. Speeches

I am the rock; I should be strong, but I cannot summon the strength
Right now, I don't know what to do.

I am so tired. Tired of my job. Tired of these long nights. Tired of getting home from work when the sun is coming up. Life could be good. Life could be grand. But now, put a paper bag on my head and I would just give up than rather to try to find my way out.

It really kills when there are two things in my life right now that are horrible stressors, and all I want to do is to avoid them both like the plague (yes, I know, a coloqualism). Both my job at BP, which will be over on Thursday, but still, I want it to be done now, and my Spanish class. Spanish is funny. I'm funny. I don't mean in the ha-ha funny way, in the I can't figure it out for the life of me funny. Can it be that hard? When your dealing with a schedule like mine it can be. When your used to being able to wrap your mind around a concept it can be. When you can't, for the life of you, find any way to become motivated to do the necessary work it can be. This isn't high school. This is college. I feel like I'm letting the prof down. I feel like I'm letting my classmates down. I also feel like I'm letting myself down, not only me now, but my future. So much of my future hinges on me being able to learn the concepts of a language so foreign and I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to be able to relax, but everything has become a trap to me.

I want time. I want to be able to go into the forest when I feel like it. I want to be able to do things when I feel I can. I don't want my bedroom to feel like a trap where I spend my unconscious time. I don't want my car to feel like my escape from a situation I don't want to be in. But a trap in itself, because no matter how far I'd like to run I'm still stuck inside my own head. I desparately want something to grasp onto. Something to distract me from the stark reality that is slowly beginning to reveal itself to me. I want life to be something other than what it is turning into. Why can't I live that life? Where did that change? When did I lose my idealism? Where did my innoncence go? How will my sense of justice be restored?

Really I want to fall on my face before God and ask Him what to do. But I don't know how to do that right now. I need prayer, I need fellowship, I need Him now more than ever. All I do is tell Him that, but it was very obvious this weekend that the desire is not there on my part. The call to desire that was given seems unattainable for me. Now, I don't know what to do.

We all struggle. I just don't seem much of a way back to contentment right now. It's been a bad stretch, and I don't know how much strength I have to renew myself again. But it will pass, and when it does, I will be grateful.

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crazygirl

:: 2004 22 September :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: tired

it's been a looong week already. fortunately, it's half over and the rest of the week should go fairly smoothly. i worked 53 hours last week AND tomorrow is payday. yay! i have most of my work week this week under my belt, after having worked ALL DAY the past three days. the next three days are "one job only" days. it looks like i'll get to pick up more hours at the paper starting in october, which means, of course, i'll cut back at oberweis. this doesn't bother me a bit. i'll be making more and at a far less stressful job.

speaking of stressful jobs, we just hired a new guy who started this week. i haven't met him yet, but he's closing with me on friday night. i hope and pray and hope some more that he is at least a decent worker, if not a phenomenal one.

...who am i kidding?

oh well, we'll see.

Upchuck

:: 2004 21 September :: 11.14am

I think I'm going to call into work, skip my classes and sleep.

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Upchuck

:: 2004 16 September :: 10.50am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "Meant to Live" Switchfoot

Slowly assailing the stairs, my fatigued limbs give out and I realize I am not the same person I once was
So, long time no talk. Umm, anything to say, yes.

School has started. It has been a rather unique experience. SPA 101 I think is going to kick my ass. Foregin language, yeah. All my other classes are fairly predictable routine that I am very used to. PSY 325 (Ed Psych.) is a interactive video class, but that doesn't make it much different except for the fact that I have sit there for three hours like a vegetable absorbing info because there is not enough bandwith on the sound system to really deal with too much prof student interaction. So that's school in a nutshell for you. Which, in the scope of what has been happening over the past few weeks does not really compare to everything else that has been going on in my life.

Fatigue my friends, sleep depravation. Majorly. Most of you probably did not know this, but I finally quit Wendy's. Yes, I did. After 2.5 years, stretching all the way from high school into this somewhat sophisticated adulthood, I quit. Of course I would like to say that I did it out of some sort of principal, or left for a better job, but it wasn't. I didn't know that at the time, but I do now. No, I left to take a 3rd shift job at BP. Butt Plug of all places. Well after the first two weeks I decided that that was not the way to go for me. Fortunately, my lovely friends at my prior job refused to take me out of the computer system. They all said I would be back, and now I am. After the whole fiasco up in BR when Kim and I and Nita all had to go up there because they lost major crew and then Paul got fired, it left us short in Mgmnt because Nita got bumped up to DM. So that meant Dee got bumped to GM, which meant that Sharon was going to stay as our Asst. istead of transfering up to Cadillac. Well, a week later Sharon quit. Yipee. Seriously, the week I left, they hired like eight people. They weren't all to replace me, but a couple of them probably were. So, now Wendy's is looking for a new manager. Enter a person with 2.5 years of experience, not only at Wendy's, but at that specific store, Me. So I talked to Nita on Monday and I was approved for my promotion. Now I am a shift manager. Yeah me. Finally, I almost have something to show for my life. I haven't started yet because I'm still working out my hours at BP, but yeah, I'll be there soon. Boy is this going to blow the theory out of the water that you can't work a full time management position and go to school at the same time (sorry I'm just a little started now).

So now I have a decision to make. If the Whitecaps win tonight or Friday, I need to decide if I should go the last Whitecaps home game on Satrday night, or should I go to my first game of kickball. This is going to be a tough decision, I'll have to think about it.

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crazygirl

:: 2004 12 September :: 10.39pm

so.. i'm going to europe. with billy. november 29th-december 9th. everybody keeps telling me it's a mistake and something is going to happen, but i think all will go well. i'm excited to go. it'll be nice to get away.. and not work.. and be in europe for the first time ever. despite my high school reputation, i am NOT a boyfriend stealer. i do not intend or expect anything to happen that could damage his current relationship and frankly, i think this situation could only be made awkward if we make it awkward, which we're not going to.

other than that, the social situation hasn't really been getting any better. i don't have the time or the knowhow to get out and meet new people and it seems like everyone that i do meet is so caught up in their lives that they haven't got the room for a new friend. in fact, other than my roommate and lucy, the only people that seem to really want to spend time with me are people that want to hook up with me and it's just not something i can do right now.

so things have been a little depressing around here lately. i'm always tired and stressed. i work too much at jobs that don't give me a sense of accomplishment at all. and when i have some free time here or there it seems like the people i make plans with either bale on me or kiss me. both of which can be discouraging.

ultimately, i feel alone. my biggest fear is near reality and i'm trying to overcome it, but it's so damn difficult.

danibean

:: 2004 10 September :: 9.39am
:: Mood: sleepy

wow...i'm so tired...i'm sitting here in econ and exhausted from last night!! vanessa, mary and i all went to west ottawa for the girls basketball game and didn't get home until after 11. i've been going to bed early too. ugh...oh well..it was fun and i called jason and talked to him for a while. anyways...evan and i are fine. we talked and he's just been super busy. i totally understand. woo...being in love is great. :)

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JediBumblebee

:: 2004 9 September :: 4.42pm

So if I am smooth...

I have 13 classes left to take until graduation.

I will end with three majors, two minors, and a concentration.

Majors:
Sociology
Human Resources Management
Lee Honors College

Minors:
General Business
Economics

Concentration:
Social Psychology (not certain if I will qualify here, still checking it out)

And I said I was taking it easy in college. Sheesh.

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 8 September :: 8.24pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Randy Travis- Forever and Ever Amen

They say time can play tricks on the memory...make people forget things they knew...But it's easy to see that it's happening to me, I've already forgotten every woman but you...
I think it is wedding season. Everyone seems to be getting married and its upsetting to me, I feel like I'm somehow inadequate or behind schedule or something.
Going to my cousin's wedding is going to suck, all my family's going to be like, "what's wrong with you? why are you married yet?" since it will officially make me an old maid.

Poo. I wanna get married. (Don't tell Paul that though).

The collection of bridal magazines next to the bed might be a tip though.

Actually, I don't think I really wanna get married for a while still. But I would like to be engaged or something, so that I don't feel like a loser.

Someone tell me that I'm not a loser. :(

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